stylized insanity

If there is one thing that can make me feel Crazy, it’s a tie.

I’ve got this tie on today that has defeated me.

A grown man, beaten by a single piece of cloth.

Every single time I tried to make it into a perfect-looking knot this morning, it ended up being either too short or too long, which means that the little end would be sticking out when it’s not supposed to be. And I do believe “little end” is a technical term.

I started wrestling with the bastard this morning before I went to the gym.

Over and over I tried to get it right.

The more I tried and failed, the more my anger increased, culminating with me yelling, “Fuck this stupid fucking shit!” and my dog looking at me like I was an asshole for being so loud in the morning.

I ended up leaving for the gym with my tie half-knotted and sweat pouring down my face.

That may have had something to do with why people on the train were staring at me like I was a Normal Person Who Has Had Enough With Society and was about to gun everyone down. Like that movie Falling Down. Which was pretty cool.

Then, after I was done working out and I had to get dressed again, I attacked the tie again.

Once again I failed and left for work looking like a little kid trying to play dress up.

When I got on the elevator at my building, I could feel people’s eyes on me. I swear there was one woman who was looking at me like an aunt does, probably thinking, “Aww, look at Chris, he’s so cute! He tried to put on his little tie for the big day at the office and look what happened!” I think she was about to pinch my cheeks, but I was saved by the elevator finally reaching my floor.

Now I’m sitting here, typing this damn blog post and looking like a complete fucking idiot.

I’m just waiting for someone to ask me what’s wrong with my tie, because when they do, I’m just going to smile and calmly reply, “Nothing, everything is fine with my day today. Thank you for asking fellow coworker.”

Or maybe I’ll take my tie off, shove it in their face and scream, “Here! You do it! See if you can do any better because I can’t fucking take it! Yes, I know what I look like and yes I am aware that screaming is unnecessary but I think I’m losing my mind and it’s all because of this tie!”

Either one would work I think.


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49 responses to “stylized insanity

  1. I kept putting my underpants on backwards today. Over and over again, just couldn’t get it right. Maybe that’s a little different.

  2. Why didn’t you ask Ari to help you tie it before you left the house? Or pick a different tie that maybe wasn’t so hell-bent on defeating you this morning? Sorry its been such a hrd morning for you. πŸ™‚

  3. 1) you should always have a girl tie your tie, everyone knows they’re better at it
    2) if someone asks you you should take your tie off and stuff it in their mouth
    3) hahaha… i totally own Falling Down (i’m AweSome!)

  4. My daughter wanted to wear her Dad’s tie one day and asked me to put it on her. After almost accidentally strangling her I finally looked it up online. Surprisingly there are a lot of sites on how to tie a tie. It gives me the impression that most men don’t know what they are doing.

  5. haha nice! I think a perfect looking knot is difficult to do on yourself. I used to have to do my boyfriend’s all the time. The frustration was paramount.

  6. My fly was down until 2pm yesterday and I had no idea. I feel your tie pain but I was inches from exposing myself for the better part of 5 hours yesterday.

    And know what four years of Catholic High Schooling gets you besides a need for therapy? The ability to tie a perfect knot in your tie on the first try. Thats right, ladies.

  7. gotta go with the Full Windsor. It’s an excellently Smart Decision.

  8. You should move to the west coast, where ties are totally passe and flip flops are in. No kidding.

  9. oof, i imagine that must get wicked annoying.

    so you wear your tie to the gym in the morning, change into gym clothes, then put your work outfit back on? that’s a lot of switching around isnt it?

  10. maybe one of the nice gentlemen at the gym working the blowdriers would help you next time

  11. Nobody wears ties over here.

    It’s too bougie. It means you’re part of the system and it also means you’re sucking up to the Man.

    I think they look nice on men, though.

  12. I hate when inanimate objects try to fuck with me and ruin my day. They will be forced to pay for it someday, I swear it.

    I am the angel of death. The time of the purification is near.

  13. I am feeling very smug about working at home in my own filth right about now.

  14. fort knocks – A little different. Good luck with that.

    sassy – I get ready while she’s sleeping, so waking her up to get her to tie my tie would be cruel and she’d probably revoke my booty privileges for the night.

    jenny – Of course you have that dvd! You are indeed awesome.

    rachel – Right, we really don’t have a clue.

    grace13 – It is! I can usually do it, but it’s this one damn tie that fucks me up every time.

    narm – I went to catholic school for 8 years, and this tie still frustrates me. I’ll mail it to you and you can try.

    allthewine – I tried dammit, I tried.

    melissa – But do I have to learn how to surf? I don’t want to surf, is that okay?

    brookem – Yes it is and it sucks.

    megan – I think that would make me sad.

    kiala – I’m trying to suck up to The Man, but he still won’t listen!

    harry – Now that is one hell of a first comment! Bravo man, bravo!!!

    rebecca – I’m coming by your apartment on my way home tonight and I’m going to give you the stink eye. Just warning you.

  15. You should have waited it out with the woman in the elevator. Maybe she would have given you a Lifesaver.

    Or Werther’s Original.

  16. Awwwwww……is Chris suffering from a bit of PMS?

    Now you know what it’s LIKE………never, ever, EVER blame a woman’s ‘pissy’ mood on PMS, again, or I’ll bring up the ‘TIE INCIDENT’……ok?

    yeah, I thought you might understand. πŸ™‚

  17. you need to buy some clip-ons dude.

  18. finally, this is what I’m saying! Why do men have to wear complicated ties while women can can go to business meeting with a t-shirt on and call it a blouse?

    this is a shamockery! Why can’t you tie a tie like your shoelaces? The world would be a better place.

  19. Rachel

    hearing about you in your tie/work frustration made me think of Ed Norton in Fight Club standing in front of the copier right before his schizophrenic break…oops..did I ruin that for you?

    I like men in ties–suits even better. You have to admit, they look fab with the Hugo Boss…

  20. nancypearlwannabe

    Here you go, dude:

    You’re welcome!

    (PS- the product description is unintentionally hilarious.)

  21. I don’t understand ties, not at all. I mean, I get that they exist, but I’m confused as fuck about the function.

    And why have men’s suits essentially stayed the same for like 100 years? Other fashion changes, but we’re stuck with the same shirt/pants/jacket/tie thing still? Shouldn’t we be wearing like kimonos or something by now?

    Fuck it. I’m going to start wearing a bolo. If the Colonel can do chicken right, why shouldn’t I trust his fashion sense?

  22. Ties are so complicated. On numerous occasions I’ve tried making that perfect knot for a friend, but no. It always ends up failing.

    Whenever I dress up in a proper dress and heels for work I feel like a kid playing dress up. I just need my mom’s make up and pearls.

  23. I was also going to suggest that you have Ari do it, but then I remembered that I don’t know how to tie a tie because I’m not the asshole who has to wear one, so why should Ari know how to tie a tie either?

    Also, can you honestly say that this tie is the ONLY reason you’re losing your mind? I think we both know that’s not true.

  24. deutlich

    You know, you could ask for help. Coworkers are fond of such things.

    Helping, that is.

  25. Ben

    I learned to tie a tie from YouTube. True story. That’s what happens when tie-failing gentlemen like yourself have kids and never teach them the essentials of Looking Professional.

  26. All those comments above about how girls are much better at ties…not true. Don’t listen. I’m a girl and I have no fucking idea.

    Although, I am pretty good at taking them off…

  27. I’ve never worn one, but you make tying a tie sound a lot like parallel parking. If you don’t get it right on the first try, you keep on trying, but it gets more and more messed up. Eventually, you just have to leave and find a new space / tie.

  28. Nice….burn said tie. I usually destroy things that frustrate me. Like the world (its a work in progress).

  29. arjewtino – I’d prefer a lifesaver.

    shelly – [Nodding head yes]

    ashley – Now you’re talking!

    rs – Right! I should wear a t-shirt and call it a blouse too. No, that wouldn’t be right either.

    rachel – Nope, seen it a million times. And yes, I did look “fab.” You were talking about me, right???

    nancypearl – Sweet! Also, when I read this: If the knot looks sloppy and lifeless, it makes a poor impression I got sad.

    justin – Hell yeah dude. I’m boloing with you.

    lauren – Hahaha – exactly!

    mindy – Yeah, I think you might be right about that.

    deutlich – Never!!!!!

    ben – I apologize in advance to my babies.

    gooseberried – Sexy! Right? That was a sexual innuendo, right?

    noelle – Yes! A beautiful analogy.

    dmb5 – Good advice. And please spare me! And my dog. And my girlfriend. And my family. And the Steelers.

  30. Ties are meant to be worn wrapped around your head Rambo style. It shows you’re professional enough to wear a tie, but have your own individual style.

  31. megkathleen

    That is why clip-on ties were made.

  32. megkathleen

    I’ve heard they’re very stylish.

  33. I’d suggest calling it a clip on kind of day, but that would require you to a) already own or acquire one quick-like; and b) run the risk of being outed as a “clippy.” Which is almost as bad as being a known underwear stuffer.

  34. B2G

    Or maybe you could ask one of your nice female coworkers with a husband for help? ….maybe?

  35. Jesus. Maybe you should be one of those guys who always leaves his ties…tied, and then slips them on and tightens them. Might make life a lot easier?

  36. when i hustled as a MLG (Miller Lite Girl for those not in the biz… i’m so gay) we had to wear a tie once. i wanted to kill people.

  37. If it makes you feel better, I don’t know how to tie a tie either.

  38. meghan – This is why I like you.

    megkathleen – Please send me some of your favorites, I trust your tastes.

    sarah – I’d much rather be known as a clippy than a stuffer. Much more.

    b2g – I don’t like asking for help. It’s a nice quality I have.

    big time – I do this when I’m at the gym, but otherwise I untie them. Maybe I should consider it full time.

    julie – You were not a beer girl! That is funny.

    hollywood – It does!

  39. okay, look, i know it’s a lot of effort, but isn’t the tie worth the praise you inevitably receive from the opposite sex? every time my guy wears a tie i’m immediately impressed. food for thought man, food for thought.

  40. you with a tie = me when i have to wear heels.

    i used to love them, now i curse the little boogers.

  41. You could have STRANGLED someone with aforementioned tie. If you could manage to tie it around THEIR neck right. . . πŸ˜‰

  42. tia

    you should just be super classy like my husband, and leave them tied.

    extra super classy.

  43. it’s times like those where i’m glad i’m a girl. granted i do have trouble figuring out strappy dresses every once and a while, haha.

  44. If it helps, I can send you some pre-tied ties. This has worked before for some of my relatives.

  45. I have never been great at trying to get a tie straight around my neck. Which is disappointing because I have some epic ties that have lights and tunes.

  46. stealth – Yes, that’s a very good point.

    alexa – You feel my pain.

    paula – Hahaha – right, I’d have to be like, “Just hang on one second, okay, wait, one more time…”

    tia – Very classy indeed.

    katelin – Count your blessings.

    nico – Do it!

    dan – Tunes? That does sound pretty sweet.

  47. Someone may have already asked this…but why put it on BEFORE the gym? Why not effortlessly drape it around your neck en route to the gym, and then wrestle with it after your endorphines are flowing?

    Either way, I totally understand. I lose my shit all the time.

  48. can you just take your tie off? or is that not (heh, KNOT) allowed??

    I was parenthetically punny there.

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