If there is one thing that can make me feel Crazy, it’s a tie.
I’ve got this tie on today that has defeated me.
A grown man, beaten by a single piece of cloth.
Every single time I tried to make it into a perfect-looking knot this morning, it ended up being either too short or too long, which means that the little end would be sticking out when it’s not supposed to be. And I do believe “little end” is a technical term.
I started wrestling with the bastard this morning before I went to the gym.
Over and over I tried to get it right.
The more I tried and failed, the more my anger increased, culminating with me yelling, “Fuck this stupid fucking shit!” and my dog looking at me like I was an asshole for being so loud in the morning.
I ended up leaving for the gym with my tie half-knotted and sweat pouring down my face.
That may have had something to do with why people on the train were staring at me like I was a Normal Person Who Has Had Enough With Society and was about to gun everyone down. Like that movie Falling Down. Which was pretty cool.
Then, after I was done working out and I had to get dressed again, I attacked the tie again.
Once again I failed and left for work looking like a little kid trying to play dress up.
When I got on the elevator at my building, I could feel people’s eyes on me. I swear there was one woman who was looking at me like an aunt does, probably thinking, “Aww, look at Chris, he’s so cute! He tried to put on his little tie for the big day at the office and look what happened!” I think she was about to pinch my cheeks, but I was saved by the elevator finally reaching my floor.
Now I’m sitting here, typing this damn blog post and looking like a complete fucking idiot.
I’m just waiting for someone to ask me what’s wrong with my tie, because when they do, I’m just going to smile and calmly reply, “Nothing, everything is fine with my day today. Thank you for asking fellow coworker.”
Or maybe I’ll take my tie off, shove it in their face and scream, “Here! You do it! See if you can do any better because I can’t fucking take it! Yes, I know what I look like and yes I am aware that screaming is unnecessary but I think I’m losing my mind and it’s all because of this tie!”
Either one would work I think.