hard knock life

It must be hard to be Osama bin Laden.

He’s this crazy terrorist dude who the entire world wants to find and eventually kill or put in jail until his beard is so long that it touches the ground and that is just gross.

So he has been in hiding since forever, and no matter what our genius of a president has done, he has somehow been unable to find him. Which makes me think that Osama must’ve been one hell of a Hide n’ Seek player as a boy, one of those kids who would hide so well that you’d eventually just give up and go home for dinner because you couldn’t find him.

Imagine living in caves for years and years.

Not very fun.

No watching Jeopardy! every night. No tuna casserole for dinner, because that is just not happening when you live in a cave. The tuna would stink up the place for days.

Also, there’s the fact that Osama hates everything.

Everything!

He hates Jews, gays, drinking (!), gambling, the entire United States (!), Israel, women and children – and that’s just on Tuesdays!

Osama really has no interest in liking anything.

Well, aside from Jeopardy! and tuna casserole, because call him what you will – the man knows good things when he sees them.

I don’t think I would ever be able to make it through life having to hate everything, so I know it’s got to be tough on Osama.

I bet there are days when he wishes he could just kick off his sandals, grab a piña colada, lounge around the pool and check out all the fully-clothed women sun bathing around him.

But he can’t.

Osama must sit in his dark, gloomy cave and think of new things to hate every single day.

I just hope my blog isn’t next.

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50 Comments

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50 responses to “hard knock life

  1. Tuna casserole? Really? Wow.
    What if that tuna was named Bob? 😉

  2. This reminds me of some comedey routine that I saw that said something like:

    We have satellites that can pinpoint a MOUSE in the basement of tenement housing, yet we can’t find a 7 ft bearded man wheeling an oxygen tank around……….

    hahahahaha

    I thought that was pretty funny—I bet Osama is a GREAT Jeopardy player—He’s probably a ‘Big Brother” and “Survivor” fan, too!

  3. Haha,

    I wonder if he hates Wheel of Fortune on Wednesday?

  4. I’ll bet he was awesome at dodgeball.

  5. Osama bin Laden

    I hate this post.

  6. It is apparent that he hates shaving.

    And I’d love it if the only reason people couldn’t find him was because he finally shaved because really… what’s under that beard? Perhaps a tuna casserole?

  7. He hates everything, but he doesn’t hate tuna casserole? Even I hate tuna casserole!

  8. A lifestyle without Jeopardy?

    I can’t even think about it.

  9. how good was that song “hard knock life”

    i love that little girl singing the annie riff. love her!

  10. ^^^hahahahahaha… There is NO way I could leave a better comment than what “Osama bin Laden” said above… sooo… this is my exit….

  11. I knew he had issues the first time I heard about his Whitney Houston fetish.

    Wait… I mean, that’s probably ok if we’re talking about pre-Bobby Brown Whitney. She could work it.

    But if he still dug her after the psycho crack-head phase started, well, then we have a problem.

  12. He is so misunderstood.

  13. Dude WHERE do you come up with this stuff? haha

  14. verb – Hell yes, everyone hates Wheel of Fortune!

    arjewtino – Hahaha – I agree.

    osama – Jihad!

    twink – Hahaha – That would be pretty sweet.

    fort knocks – Really? You just have to try my Moms. I’ll email you some.

    lauren – I know! I’d rather die.

    julie – When it came out everyone hated on Jigga for “dumbing down his style” to get some mass appeal on that track, but I always loved it too.

    mental – Osama is witty, isn’t he?

    justin – You know, Bobby B was awesome pre-Whitney too, so I think it was just that those two should never have met.

    melissa – Exactly.

    nicole – Well, here’s the story on this: I was reading an article about the lead dude in the 9/11 attacks being on trial and my mind went like this, “I wonder what Osama’s up to? Probably still in a cave. Man, that must suck.” And that was it! I’m brilliant! Not really.

  15. lookie here! you ever got osama bin laden to comment on your blog. must be some seriously strong wifi in that cave of his.

    you have arrived!

  16. You should be a political correspondent.

    I am just saying.

  17. i just remember when we had to delouse Saddam.
    and he wasn’t nearly the cave hider that Osama is. i don’t know if there’s enough lye in the world

  18. Osama and Alex Trebek are lifelong friends.

    True story.

  19. Wait, I thought he was dead.

    He’s not? Oh, who am I thinking of then?

  20. I honestly think Osama came out of hiding a long time ago. I mean seriously, I bet he shaved and is living under the name Sanjaya. See no one knew he could sing….wait….he can’t!

  21. I was going to leave a comment like “we hate your blog too” from Hamas, but I don’t feel like registering that name on WordPress.

    But for the record, Hamas hates your blog too. And Tuna Casserole.

  22. i think your weird and not everything has to be funny all the time but its cool you dont like obama but maybe you should try to chill out about him some times. you’re dog is cute.

  23. B2G

    I seriously bet he is lounging on a tropical island somewhere. Also, what’s wrong with Jeopardy!? I LOVE Jeopardy!

  24. If I were him, I’d surrender in about 20 minutes without TV or booze or gambling.

  25. deutlich

    I still don’t understand how Hussein was found in a damn HOLE but we can’t find Osama.

    Mayhaps someone set Hussein up? Which means Osama’s probably got a much stronger following.

    Either way. It’s all bullshit and sucks.

  26. idontliketoread

    I hate jeopardy! it feels like I’m doing homework. and let’s face it old friend YOU hate almost everyting too!

  27. Can I do a different comment? I’d like a do over. But I’m not sure what the comment would be.

    Something comparing Osama to Holden Caulfield. All the phonies… something something.

    The funny is a little blocked today.

    Jenna: You are everywhere. Can we tongue kiss?

  28. it is VERY upsetting to me that he hates alcohol. For some reason that strikes me as more upsetting than him hating the US.

  29. melissa-

    i was a lesboan in college and its cool but im not now lol !1

  30. megkathleen

    Maxie has a good point. As I have said before booze is full of love so how can anybody hate it? It’s quite understandable to hate us as a country…

  31. Sassy and I feel slighted.

  32. alexa – You can have my autograph if you want. It’ll cost you $3.56 and a Barry Sanders poster.

    kiala – Yes! Will you write me a letter of recommendation?

    jenny – I feel for the person who will have to do it.

    rs – That’s not surprising to me at all.

    mindy – That was great!

    hollywood – Elvis.

    allie – Well, at least he has beautiful hair.

    noelle – Damn you Hamas!

    jenna – I’m your biggest fan.

    b2g – Hell yes.

    megan – I completely agree with you. I’m not sure I’d even make it that long.

    deutlich – Right. There might be something fishy going on…

    idont – Hahaha – I knew you were gonna say that!

    melissa – You can have as many comments as you want. And women kissing is always encouraged on my blog.

    maxie – I know!

    megkathleen – Yes, how could one hate 40’s of OE???

  33. Actually, I bet Osama is eating a whole lot of canned foods these days, and that probably includes tuna. It can’t possibly smell worse than a bunch of sweaty jihadists holed up in a cave in the desert, right?

    Old tuna is probably like potpourri to them.

  34. Shelly – Fuck! I’m Sorry! I didn’t realize I skipped your comment!

    Okay – here we go.

    sassy – Oh he’d love it then, I’m sure!

    shelly – Yes, definetly a fan of those shows too. Their his “guilty pleasures.”

    mickey – That is a very good point. Gross.

  35. You bring up some valid points. I totally feel sorry for him now.

  36. girlinterrupted1218

    If Hide and Seek were an Olympic event Osama would win the gold and then some!

  37. I bet you he loves that freakin cave! And why would he need any sun? If he ever came out into it, he’d disintegrate like a vampire. Am I being too mean? Oh well.

    By the way, I can’t get that song from Annie out of my head now – “It’s the hard knock life for us…”

  38. I’m beginning to think Carmen Sandiego is Osama. I could be wrong…but I don’t think I am.

  39. Brilliant!!! You almost had me feeling SORRY for the dude! I don’t think he’ll hate your blog cos you sympathise with him, lol! 🙂

  40. I was going to point out that you hate everything, too, but then I forgot and now JP stole my thunder.

  41. He’s mysterious, and lives in a cave……holy crap, Osama is Batman!

  42. no jeopardy or tuna casserole? the man must be going crazy by now.

  43. Poor guy, he just needs a hug!

  44. I picture Osama loving Doritos and laying around in huge granny panties, much like his counterpart Saddam.

  45. To be honest I just think it’s all the sand up his ass that makes him cranky.

  46. I ask you, how hard is it to find a 6 foot muslim guy with a beard that goes on for days?

    Not very hard I would think!

  47. ride – Well good, I’m sure he appreciates it.

    1218 – No doubt about it!

    marie – Hahaha – See I was thinking of the Jay-Z song, but either way.

    freeandflawed – You are not wrong.

    paula – That’s what I’m hoping for.

    ari – JP is mean.

    meghan – Man I hope not, I like Batman too much.

    katelin – Agreed.

    todd – Let’s hug it out!

    felicia – First granny panties mention on my blog! You win!

    rachel – That’s true, that is a bitch. Which is why sex on a beach is not very fun.

    your girlfriend – I know, it’s a little fucking ridiculous.

  48. oh man, you had me at not being able to watch jeopardy every night.

    i voted for you in bloggers choice, btw! theres links on my page if you want to return the favor, though no pressure.

  49. One of my comedian friends did the most HILARIOUS bit about this!

    I’m totally sending him this post.

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