age is nothing but a number

The last time I wrote about one of the regulars at my gym, it was The Singer. Just this morning The Singer was belting out, “Lose My Breath” by Destiny’s Child and loving every minute of it.

Today though, I want to tell you about Grandpa.

Grandpa is somewhere between 134 and 187 years old and is about as tall as a garbage can.

He wears the exact same clothes every single day and he does not wash them. I know he doesn’t wash them because he has body odor strong enough to peel the paint off the walls and maybe make me vomit when I walk by.

I try not to though, because for some reason people generally don’t like vomit when they’re working out.

Grandpa also has a unique way of lifting. Oh yes, he lifts. He lifts like every rep keeps his dear friend the grim reaper from taking his skeletal body away from the bench press.

And his lifting style is basically to go as fast as he can.

It is an incredible thing to watch.

This little old man, rapidly firing tricep extensions like he was daring you, just daring you to do the same. I imagine he probably looks around at all of us younger guys and thinks, “I’m not dead yet motherfuckers!”

Because of this, I don’t mess with Grandpa. I let him stink up the place and do his thing.

But I was always kind of unsure how to feel about him until this morning.

I was getting a drink from the water fountain in the locker room before leaving for work, when I saw Grandpa waddle over to a stall.

With my head down, I heard the click of the stall door, and then as I looked up, I saw Grandpa look into the stall and say, “Oh! Excuse me!” Then close the door. Obviously he had just walked in on someone dropping the kids off at the pool.

Most people would be embarrassed by this, and rightfully so. Seeing another man take a dump can be quite traumatic.

But not Grandpa.

As I turned to leave the locker room, I heard Grandpa laughing.

“Heh, heh, heh, heh.”

I looked over at him and he had the widest smile on his face. Grandpa thought it was hilarious and that made it official: He was awesome.

If he can duck the grim reaper over the weekend and I get to see him once again on Monday, I may just shake his hand.

Because not only is Grandpa stinking the entire gym up and lifting weights like a man possessed, he is laughing at other people.

And that is something I can always get down with.


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42 responses to “age is nothing but a number

  1. J

    I wish he was MY Grandpa.

    Also, I have now started going to the gym before work as well. I find it slightly hellish to be sweating at 6:30 AM.

  2. He was laughing at your weakness. That man hasn’t pooped since ’56, he is in COMPLETE control of his body.

  3. i don’t go to the gym and i don’t have any grandpas so i’ve got no insight.
    but i really like bacon… and sausage. breakfast meat in general.

  4. Definitely sounds like a cool Grandpa. About the smell, you may want to dab a little bit of vicks or something else strong under your nose so as to block out his smell when you go over and shake his hand at some point.

  5. What’s with old men and that whole rapid-fire way of lifting weights? Its like they learned it back in the army in the 20s and haven’t changes since. Unless your old man is the same old man as the one at my gym.

    Also, I would not be shaking hands with an old guy that smells like that. He probably does not wash his hands. Ever.

  6. Nobody needs to say any more. Rachel’s comment above trumps anything the rest of us could come up with. We’re all a bunch of suckers in comparison.

  7. How can you assume that Ole Timer is a Grandpa? The mere fact that he’s between 134 and 187 years old means that he hasn’t had a succubus or rug-rats in his lifetime to drain the remnants of his spirit away! This man knows the secret to a long lasting, weight lifting, LOLing life! Go, Ole Timer Go!

  8. He called the shit poop.

    I can’t wait to be an old guy so I don’t have to care what people think and I can start every story with, “In MY day…”

  9. He sounds ace, apart from the smelling….but then all old people smell

  10. deutlich

    Oh, stinky grandpas.. gotta love ’em

  11. I plan on being that old man in about 50 years. He’s my hero.

  12. There is an old dude at my gym who walks with a cane. He goes from machine to machine, taking about 3 minutes to move 3 feet because of his cane, and then magically gets on the weight machines and goes crazy. He can lift way more than I can (which is not hard since I do most of the machines at the lowest setting). It’s ridiculous.

  13. your gym grandpa sounds like a creepster. my gym grandpa wears his chinos and a button up shirt everyday and walks around with his cane and his old man hump and uses the hand crank. too cute. i just wanna pinch his cheeks.

  14. The old dudes at my gym never seem to lift any weights. They just walk around the locker room naked, with their pendulum like nut sacks swaying in front of my face while I try to tie my shoes.

  15. Ha. . . dropping the kids off at the pool. Awesome.

    I don’t have any old grandpas at my gym, but I do have some frail old grandmas. I’m usually just afraid that they’ll drop a weight on their leg or something and fall over.

  16. Back in Grandpa’s day, they didn’t have washing machines. He probably beats his gym clothes against a rock in the East River. No wonder he stinks. Deoderant? He’s not into that new fangled fal-de-ral.

  17. If Gramps was really laughing at it like that, you’ve gotta wonder if the guy was really hanging a deuce… or if the old man caught him doing something more sinister, like badgering the witness.

  18. i love old people. just because you are old doesn’t mean you can’t point and laugh with the best of them. classic.

  19. As tall as a trashcan. That, my friend, would earn you an A in my writing classes. If you wore a suit, then A+.

    What…I’m fair. I give A’s to girls in short skirts too. Equal Opportunity and all that.

  20. Just make sure he washes that hand before you shake it.

  21. I can imagine John McCain doing exactly the same thing at his gym, “Hehehe, poop is funny.”

  22. There are a lot of grandpas at my gym, but I cannot attest to their bathroom behavior because Grandpa and I use different locker rooms.

    However, I do share a locker room with Grandma, and let me tell you – she’s not dead yet either.

  23. j – It is hellish, but I find it’s better because then after work you can just do whatever you want. Like drink!

    rachel – Hahaha – he is something alright.

    jenny – You are odd, but I like that.

    marie – Thanks for the tip!

    cherry – You have one too? That is fucking weird. I think we need to do some research. So do you think that means when we’re 90 we’ll lift the same way?

    justin – I agree – it was a good one. Check out her blog, it’s good.

    mental – You’re right, he probably is loving life now that there are no rug rats around.

    narm – Me too. “In my day blogs were cool and about people taking shits!”

    pink – That’s what I thought too, all old people smell, so live and let live.

    deutlich – Yes you do.

    todd – I hope you reach that goal.

    arielle – Do you think Viagra is playing any kind of role here?

    kelly – Hahaha – the fucking hand crank! What the hell is that thing good for anyway? I bet you could tell me.

    harry – Damn dude, watch out for that, it would not be good to get smacked with one of those.

    poodlegoose – And then you’ll have to do mouth-to-mouth. Are you mentally prepared for that?

    sarah – You’re right, he has no use for such technology.

    fort – I hope not man, I hope not.

    alexa – Right – they can basically do whatever the fuck they want to do.

    melissa – Yes! How about a suit with no shirt on under the jacket? Extra credit???

    noelle – Good idea.

    jack – Hahaha – nice.

    beth – Oh snap!

  24. There was so much BO description there I could practically smell it. Thanks.

  25. He was laughing cause these young whippersnappers don’t know about the power and beauty of prune juice.

  26. You know, I can’t be entirely sure but I almost think… maybe… this post had… heart?

    Naw, surely not, but I swear there was just the slightest whiff of humanity in there.

  27. sillygrrl

    you need to take some picture of this….or better yet, video!

  28. Leave my grandpa alone! 😉

  29. megkathleen

    Dropping the kids off at the pool? A-mazing! Where do you come up with this stuff?

  30. B2G

    Easily my favorite gym post of yours. Hahaha…

  31. i try to avoid lifting next to the old people at the gym in the mornings because seriously, they are like machines it’s crazy, i don’t get it, and it’s intimidating dammit.

    but grandpa does sound pretty awesome, despite his severe lack of hygiene.

  32. 1) Poop is funny. People who think otherwise are wrong.

    2) I never had hilarious characters at my old gym. In my office gym there’s a guy that my coworkers refer to “Nuderonomy” because he walks around the guy’s locker room (which is TINY) completely nude, or pantsless (and boxer-less).

  33. Old people freak me out.

  34. girlinterrupted1218

    That’s awesome. I hope when I am 187 I am still working out and laughing at the young folk!

  35. You should have grandpa guest blog…even though he probably doesn’t know what a computer is. But anyone that can laugh at pooping is good in my book.

  36. HAHAH!! this totally made my day!

    I know what you mean about the old people at the gym, there’s a few at my (old) gym and they all seem to rule the place.

    Good on him for laughing, what else could ya do? lol

  37. I’m with mentalthreesixty. I might be doing a disservice to my gender, but he might still only be hanging on because he didn’t have any women or children to suck the life out of him.

  38. Hilarious! I still want to be friends with the singing guy, but maybe I’ll become acquaintances with grandpa as well. He’ll laugh at my inability to run. We’ll be good friends soon enough.

  39. if i were a dude, I’d aspire to be this kind of old man when I aged. Grandpa rocks.

  40. JK

    HAHA! I used to lifeguard at a YMCA that was full of old grandpas who were still lifting and trying to work out. They also never washed their gym clothes (which they would leave on the side of the pool) and many of them would sing in the jacuzzi.


    I love this Grandpa… actually, I am in the market for a grandpa, because I don’t have any…

  42. Pingback: witness « surviving myself

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