make it stop

There is a heat wave currently enveloping New York and it is killing my will to live.

I left for the gym this morning – at 6:30 – and it was already 80 degrees outside. It seems to me that there is something very wrong about that.

I should be able to be outside at 6:30 in the morning and not have my neck sweat.

My neck was sweating!

I didn’t even know that my neck could sweat and it made me think that maybe today was not my day and this was a sign from Jesus or Mother Nature or Al Sharpton or someone Weird And Mystical like that saying that I should just stay home.

But somehow I left my apartment anyway.

I don’t understand how heat waves even happen.

Obviously someone pissed off Mother Nature, and I bet it was Father Time.

I’ve heard that he was a bit of a player and I bet he didn’t call her even though he said he would and that lead directly to my neck sweat.

And on top of all this sweat the heat wave is making New Yorkers act irrational, which is really saying something.

When I left the gym to come to work, I didn’t even have to wish death upon anyone for walking too slow because everyone was in such a hurry to get to their respective air conditioned buildings that they all walked at appropriate speeds.

Not one death wish during my entire walk to the office!

That makes me uneasy.

If I can’t say, “What the fuck is wrong with you???” At least three times before ten in the morning, then I just don’t quite feel right.

Some people need their coffee – I need my offensive comments.

So thanks a lot Father Time, not only are you making me sweat like Brad Pitt when Angelina says, “I’m thinking I need another baby, new continent this time – Australia!” you are also making me seem nice to my fellow New Yorkers.

Let’s make a deal.

If you give Mother Nature a call I’ll make sure that she doesn’t wear the granny panties this time, and it’ll make everyone’s life much, much better.


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49 responses to “make it stop

  1. sometimes i want to die when i’m outside these days.

    but, yes, i agree with you that people are walking faster…

  2. It’s hot here too and I feel a little cranky about it and I find people particularly irritating and I want to tell everyone to go to hell but I think we may actually already be in hell except that I think hell has a really nice bar with free drinks for everyone.

    So it must just be a heat wave.

  3. If I hear one more northerner complain about the heat, I will personally drag you down to Texas myself, throw you in my backyard without a lick of sunscreen and let you rot.

    Not really. But it sounds fun.

  4. girlinterrupted1218

    I am so hot today my entire body feels like it is going to explode, and I am dressed as skimpy as work will allow! I say we all just tell Mother Nature, “He’s just not that into you.” So she can stop fucking with all of us. Damn that Father Time!

  5. Well, that pretty much sounds like the entire months of March and April for me. Such is life. Good luck with that.

  6. Ben

    Given the lousy winter we had, I will glady neck-sweat my way everywhere as long as I can without complaining.

    That’s utter BS because I will be complaining by this time next week. Complaining makes everything feel better.

  7. After my workout this morning, I walked one long block home…and almost collapsed on my stoop. I am not kidding.

  8. Don’t hate tha player… Hate tha game! Let Father Time do his thing son! He aint got time fo “Mother Nature”… pssssh! She’s a square! He’s been kicking it with “Lady Luck” recently… and they’ve been gettin’ down with some freaky shit! You should see! Word Up! I’m Out… Peace!

  9. Father Time lives in NYC? Then why is it so freaking hot in Boston?!

  10. Mother Nature is just experiencing a little PMS—remember the tie thing? It’s like that with us girls….no reasonable explanation for unreasonable behavior…..

    Wait ’til Father time starts screwing with you, and you have hairs where they aren’t supposed to be, and some of them are GRAY and WIREY–and the pores start getting BIGGER, and the skin, not so taught……..

    You wait……I’ll take Mother Nature any day, because she changes her mood at the drop of a hat…..Father Time is RELENTLESS…..he never gives up.

    I keep trying to convince my 17 yr old that the angel tattoo he wants on his lower abdomen/hip will look like a wad of intestines someday—-not a pretty angel……he doesn’t believe me……I may have to get him in touch with Father Time…….

    Father Time, lies, though.

    He tells you when you are a kid that next Christmas will NEVER get here….now he brings it ALL THE DAMN TIME……..he thinks he’s funny, but he’s a jerk!

    Mother Nature is MUCH better off without him. She can find some young cherub at springtime to meet her needs. She’ll be fine til the next spring.

  11. Pictures? Where are the pictures? Just like loosen your tie a bit and look sultry.

    (To Ari: I’m sorry, it’s been a long time since I’ve gotten some. Forgive me, please. I AM NOT HITTING ON YOUR BOYFRIEND. Except I am.)

  12. too hot to type witty comment, will have to resort to immature fart joke……

    shit, too hot to even fart

  13. my arms are sticking to my desk as i type this. damn uber trendy warehouse offices that are too old to have air conditioning.

    also, yesterday when i got into my car, my dash said it was 103 degrees out. are you kidding me?!? that is just not right.

  14. Stupid global warming. I can’t walk to my car without a river of sweat charging down my back. Now THAT is an inconvenient truth.

  15. ooh, I hate the heat so much I’m not even complaining that it’s unseasonably cold here in Portland and I had to buy an unexpected extra tank of three million dollar heating oil and then my furnace broke. Still better than hot.

  16. I…uh…see I am trying to…I must be so hot and …phhht…


    I would kill for some neck sweat.

  17. Matt

    Mother Nature needs to move on and get over it. Father Time will never change his ways. I figure, if he has been a player for this long…why would he change now?

  18. jessica – If you die from the heat, I’ll bury your body in an air condition room, I promise.

    kristen – If hell has an open bar then you and I and all my readers should make our way down there now.

    crystall – Hahaha – I’m shutting up right…. Now.

    1218 – Good idea, she can’t have everybody!

    lisa – Thanks, I’m going to need it.

    ben – Obviously I agree with you.

    rebecca – Hahaha – at least you made it to the stoop.

    mental – Lady Luck is way better in bed, no doubt.

    nancypearl – I have no idea, I’ll have a talk with him.

    shelly – Hahaha – I can’t add anything to that comment to make it any better than it is. Dap for that one.

    melissa – I am looking sooo sultry right now. I googled it so I could pull it off right.

    rachel – Well, now we’ve all lost.

    alexa – Not right at all.

    narm – Well said man, well said.

    megan – Yes, definetly better than hot.

    kiala – I’ll email you some of mine.

    matt – True that!

  19. This past Thursday it was 101 degrees in Orlando. I left for New York on Friday, excited about cooler weather.

    It was 95 degrees the entire time. I felt like I never left Florida.

    Please talk to Mother Nature. Please?

  20. Father Time would never be with a cranky person like Mother Nature.

    He’s got way too much game.

  21. Try keeping ice in your pants. Or putting a slip-n-side in one of your office hallways.

  22. Rachel

    hmm…Lady Luck? or are Father Time & Jack Frost living on the (not-so) DL and THAT’S what getting her upset?

  23. Maybe it’s not the fact that he didn’t call but he just didn’t meet her needs. She found out he was all talk. That is why she is pissed.

  24. Wow, so glad I don’t live on the hellishly humid east side of this country. It is low nineties here, but that’s about usual for this time of year.
    On a totally diffent note, am I the first person that has noticed your tag? Forget the sultry pictures for Melissa today, we want pictures from tommorow! 😉

  25. This hot sun and crazy humidity have made me sweat IN MY CAR with the a/c running! That’s just not right.

    I had to hold my arms up the other day just to get my armpits to cool off.

  26. We need a heatwave in Canada. Time to tell MotherNature that FatherTime called her fat again.

  27. Maybe Mother Nature should put her panties in the freezer. That’s always refreshing.

    I hear.

  28. i don’t think australia is anywhere near deprived enough for Angelina to even look in their general direction. she likes her babies in shades of dark brown and from extrememly war-torn countries.
    (i know i’m gonna get shit for the “dark brown” comment, but whatever)

  29. lauren – I just sent her an email.

    rs – I hope you’re right.

    hollywood – Man I would kill for a slip-n-slide right now.

    rachel – Hahaha – You are awesome.

    lissa – Never!

    stealthnerd – I knew you’d agree.

    sassy – Hahaha – Pics from tomorrow would not be good. For me at least.

    twink – That really is not right.

    meghan – Done.

    noelle – Right. That’s what you hear…

    jenny – No, you’re right, she loves the dark ones.

  30. luckily i don’t have this problem because girls don’t sweat.

  31. megkathleen

    Do you think maybe, just maybe, you could share some of the heat with those of us on the other side of the country? I don’t like having the heat on in June.

  32. People are actually turning the AC off in my office. FUCKING OFF! They keep whining that they are *cooooooold*. It’s 800 degrees in Boston for Christ Sake. I’m sweating like Whitney singing the National Anthem!!!

  33. deutlich

    I’m kinda sick of Mother Nature’s PMSing my damn self.

    I’m sure they have pills for this problem.

    I’m sure of it.

    She should invest.

  34. I’m so glad I moved to Cali in January. It’s fucking gorgeous here.

  35. I second Nicole Antoinette. It’s lovely! 🙂

  36. Matt

    Maybe Mother Nature is only made at the east coast? What did you guys do?

  37. I have the same thought about Chicagoans. When I don’t get to swear at them for walking too slowly, or taking their sweet-assed time climbing the stairs out of the subway, I feel cheated.

  38. Okay 80 degrees at 6:30 is just unnecessary on all accounts. It was about 70 when I left the gym at 8 this morning and I thought that was hot, 80…shudder.

  39. The man (Father Time, in this case) is always to blame. I stand by that.

    Also, what’s wrong with granny panties??

  40. Gotta love a good sweat!

  41. Maybe everyone can collect their neck sweat and send it all to Australia to fill our dams…and then we’ll send Angelina a kid.

  42. Please do something about the heatwave the is over the entire continent. We’re all dying. It would be nice if you’d give that Father Time a good lickin’ to get him to shape up. Mother Nature is killing us.

  43. So I’m thinking that Mother Nature is pissed at Father Time for having hoes in different area codes…but she’s only found out about the hoes on the East Coast and in the South, which is why it’s hotter than a fat man’s balls…at the beginning of June.

    What the hell is August gonna look like? Shit. Fuckin’ bastard.

    Come on Father Time get your pimp game tight and buy Mother Nature some fly jewelry like Kobe bought Vanessa after the Colorado case…

  44. julie – Exactly!

    megkathleen – Yes, I will send some right away.

    yourgirlfriend – Hahaha – poor you – and poor Whitney.

    deutlich – Yes, and take double the dose.

    nicole – You bastard.

    jen – See my reply to Nicole.

    matt – Maybe we are just too awesome for her.

    big time – I figured you’d agree with me about that.

    katelin – Yes, it was fucking nasty.

    mindy – What’s right with granny panties???

    so@24 – Yes, in certain situations.

    luthy – I’ll start the collecting.

    ashley – Father Time is not a wife beater, but I’ll see what I can do.

    lboogie – Hahaha – love the Kobe reference. That was a huge rock!

  45. Mother Nature is in a major pissy mood lately. She wreaked havoc on DC last Wednesday. I don’t know if it’s Father Time or what, but that lady has just got to calm down!

  46. I’m having the same heat wave in Martha’s Vineyard. And I bike to work, so this has got to stop.

  47. This NYC weather is destroying my will to live as well. Today I decided i’d rather starve than walk the two blocks down Broadway to Cosi.

    They say its supposed to get back to the low 80’s by this weekend. I don’t believe it, but I pray everynight before bed that its true.

  48. I’ve spent the last fifteen minutes reading through your posts after seeing your guest post on Jamie’s blog. I had to comment on this one. It’s always 80 degrees at 6am in the morning here in Austin, Texas, and picturing Mother Nature in her grannie panties and Father Time not calling her back is going to make the sweat and heat exhaustion by the evening not seem so bad.

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