anticipations of regret

There are lots of things that people say that I don’t really understand.

Like “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.”

Being a Simple Man, this is exactly what I do.

All the time.

I think about one thing until it is Thought Through, and then I move on. How am I supposed to concentrate on the perfect jelly to peanut butter ratio in a PB&J sandwich when I’m still thinking about who would win in a fight – Tony Little or John Basedow?

Obviously I can’t.

And then there’s when someone apologizes first, before telling you no.

When people do this, I just don’t know how to reply. It’s going to be awkward.

Like when you call to make a reservation at a restaurant, and the hostess says, “I’m sorry, but I just don’t have any open spots tonight.”

What do you even say back to that person?

Do you apologize back for any pain you might have caused? “Well, I’m sorry that you’re sorry – I really didn’t mean anything by it, I just wanted some baked ziti.”

But I really don’t think they are sorry at all.

In fact, I’m willing to bet that they are quite pleased with being able to deny you whatever it is that you’re inquiring about.

The person apologizing to you is going to be okay. They are not, after you accept defeat, going to call their close friend and sob to them about how they wish they “could just help everyone all the time!”

Yet the person wants you to know that they have personally been affected by this Most Unfortunate Situation and their heart does indeed go out to you.

However, if it really is true – if they are truly sorry – then it’s actually quite tragic to think about.

All of the people in my life who have said the phrase to me have been marred with pain – because of me. Including those who said this recurring apology of my childhood: “I’m sorry, but I just think Dan Fauth is cuter than you.”

And this is why it’s so confusing to me – I just don’t know whether the person could care less or if they really are being sincere.

I guess I can judge each person differently according to the situation, because I’m fairly certain that I am cuter than Dan Fauth, the bane of my existence from sixth to eighth grade, and see how it goes from there.

And yes, I’m sorry, but that’s the best answer I’ve got.


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34 responses to “anticipations of regret

  1. I think the best part about this is that you actually have a tag labeled “Damn you Dan Fauth damn you to hell.” I wish I had an arch-nemesis from my past who I could blog about with such frequency. Actually….

  2. I went as Tony Little for Halloween one year. He would win in any fight. He’s like a Gazelle!

    Bad joke.

  3. What IS the perfect PB&J ratio?
    I am totally anal about making PB&J’s, and then, when it isn’t right, it is SO dissappointing…

  4. Fuck Dan Fauth. You are way better. Just in like everything.

  5. Wow, I totally forgot about John Basedow. Yikes- now he’s someone who does the blow out at the gym I bet, huh?

  6. ^^^Sassy it’s 53.67% Peanut Butter and 46.33% Jelly! Trust me… I’ve worked long and hard to come up with these precise calculations!

  7. oh god, listen to the song on john’s website!

  8. John Basedown!!! Great reference hahaha

  9. I’m sorry, but people who start sentences with “I’m sorry” are a bunch of pussies, too afraid of offending other people to come right out and give ’em a heapin’ helpin’ of Truth.

  10. Matt

    Basedow may be smaller…but hes got alot of ass kicking in him.

  11. getyourfreakon

    I think that Tony Little’s hair gives him the advantage–I imagine he can use it Medusa-style to overthrow his opponents.

    And just so you know, I think about things that don’t matter too….A LOT.

  12. Where is this restaraunt that serves baked ziti? I demand a location!

  13. John Basedow. No contest.

  14. I’m sorry (for Dan), but you have got to be WAY cuter than him!

    But I’m not really sorry.

  15. Ben

    Your tags are wonderful.

  16. I like the “no offense but….” conversation starters. Causeyou cant get offended, no matter what they say, or else you look like the asshole.

    A while back my sister was telling me my nephew has a penchant for saying “I can’t want to do that” when you ask him to do something.

    How can you argue with that? Its not that he doesn’t want to, he just CANT want to.

    I gotta start using that. “Im sorry Mr IRS, but I can;t want to do my taxes.”

  17. I’m sorry but I’m too hot to say anything interesting right now. And my dog is drooling on my foot.

    I’m sorry about that too.

  18. i have to go with john basedow. but then i think the muscle confusion guy could kick his ass. and then chuck norris would kick the muscle confusion guys ass.
    why does it always come down to chuck norris??

  19. girlinterrupted1218

    I’m sorry you had to go through that from the sixth to eighth grade. Actually I’m not, junior high sucked for everyone, why should you be any different! Oh, I’m sorry I said that but you needed to hear it. 🙂

  20. I’m sorry, but you’re way cuter than Dan Fauth. Wait, what?

  21. I also hate when someone starts a sentence with, “Don’t be mad but…”. Well perhaps I wouldn’t have been mad but now that you’ve brought up to NOT be mad I can’t help but be mad.

    and seriously? John Basedow. The fact that his head is freakishly small would confuse Tony “gazelle” Little into submission.

  22. stealth – This is the first time that I have mentioned his name, but rest assured, it will not be the last!

    narm – Man, we need some pictures of that costume.

    sassy – I prefer slightly more jelly. But only slightly more.

    melissa – You are nice.

    brookem – I would bet he is. And thanks for pointing out the song – it is awesome.

    mental – I disagree – more jelly man.

    jessica – We would be remiss to ever forget him.

    justin – Damn right.

    matt – I think so too.

    getyourfreakon – That is a good point – his hair is his power! And good to know I am in good company.

    rs27 – New York, New York. United States of America.

    shannon – Yes, I am with you.

    jen – Thank you. Did you read that Dan? Did you???

    ben – Thanks man!

    kelly – Hahaha – that is great! I’m going to use that too. I may give your nephew credit.

    kristen – I’m sorry for that too.

    jenny – But Steven Seagal would kick his ass. Seagal is the end all of everything.

    1218 – I’m crying now.

    fort – I don’t know what to say, but I agree.

    twink – Hahaha – right – he’d be hypnotized.

  23. mallorypaige

    from a girl that works as a hostess, I am always really sorry when I say there are no spots left open…

  24. see you weren’t around during my brief stint as a waitress, I WAS sorry, I cried everyday when I had to tell someone that we ran out of bread, or when I had to stop serving someone booze.

    My life is made so hard by my inability to control my emotions.

  25. idontliketoread

    im sorry dude, I hate you

  26. deutlich

    I’m sorry.. but your breath smells.

    unoriginal. I’m sure.

    sue me.

  27. I’m sorry but I’m too hungover to think of anything awesome to say.

    I like you. How about that?

  28. I’m sorry you’re sorry and we’re all sorry for something or other. And I’m sorry that my brain is not coming up with a better comment than this one. *Sigh*

  29. Last weekend I tried to take my car to the shop, and the guy was a total dick about it and wouldn’t let me drop it off or schedule service because he was an asshat. Then I told him I was sorry. Was that right?

  30. I’m sorry I made out with Dan in the sixth grade. Wait, no I’m not.

  31. idontliketoread

    megan: asshat is the best word ive ever heard, ok stealing it… you may also like assbag

  32. megkathleen

    Of course you’re better looking. You’re just fishing for compliments aren’t you? Well, good for you – it worked!

  33. mallory – Really?

    rachel – Would you like to talk about it?

    idont – Likewise.

    deutlich – It does? I’ll chew more gum, I swear!

    kiala – I would actually prefer that be your comment every time. It helps me.

    marie – I’m sorry that you read my post it made you sorry.

    megan – No.

    meghan – You hussy!

    megkathleen – Woo-hoo! That’s it for me, blog over!

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