prognosis positive

Three things happened to me this morning that told me today was going to be a Good Day.

First, on my way to the gym, I saw a car that had been crushed by a tree from this crazy storm we had last night. How cool is it to see things that aren’t usually smashed, smashed?

Pretty fucking cool.

It reminds me of being a kid and throwing rocks at the windows of houses, then waiting just long enough to see the window break into a thousand pieces before running like hell. Of course since I never got caught I did it over and over again. I was something of a Criminal Mastermind as a youngster.

Then, when I was just about to get on the train, I passed by this dude telling this other guy that he “Got slacks just like that, what’re you? 31, 32 waist? I got those! I got those slacks right here for you!”

Mind you, this was at 6:30 in the morning.

This Pants Merchant was the definition of a go-getter! Not only was he Up To Something at 6:30 on a Wednesday morning, but while on the way to his Something, he figured he’d sell some pants.

I ask you, readers, when was the last time you thought to sell pants to people while you were on your way to do something else?

That’s what I thought.

And believe me, if Pants Merchant was where the signs stopped, I would’ve been happy with my day.

But no, I live in New York! Things Happen here!

With a smile still on my face from my last encounter, I boarded the C and was on my way to the gym.

It was here that I had my last sign that today was going to be as happy and perfect as the endings in Scooby-Doo.

I looked to my left and saw a short old woman with bleach blonde hair rocking a G-Unit t-shirt.


My grandmother was never this fucking cool. In fact, my main memory of my grandmother was when she yelled at me for leaving dirty Kleenex on the coffee table even though the snot-covered tissues were not mine, but hers. Ah, grandma – I never did get to tell her the truth about that fateful day.

Clearly this Gangsta Grandma on the train with me knew What Was Up and wasn’t afraid to let people know.

All of these moments point to me having a day for the ages, one in which things will Go My Way and maybe I won’t even have to replace the water jug on the cooler at work.

On the way home tonight I might even throw some rocks through some windows, just for old time’s sake.

I just pray that none of the windows belong to Gangsta Grandma, because she will put a cap in my ass, and that would definitely be a sad way to end this awesome day.


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42 responses to “prognosis positive

  1. I can’t wait to hear what kind of other awesome things happen to you today. Maybe you’ll run into David Hasselhoff!

  2. Ben

    And because 23 years ago today, I was born. Right? RIGHT??


    My grandmother doesn’t have any street cred either. Unless you’re on the square-dancing, mobile-home travellin’ streets. Then she owns that shit.

  3. deutlich

    i bet that women didn’t even know what g-unit stood for


  4. You forgot to add “and then my friend Kristen emailed me for no other reason than to tell me I’m a funny mofo.”

    That was the best part of everything.


  5. Hell yes – someone should tell Fiddy that G-Unit now stands for Grandma Unit.

  6. i’m willing to bet that she was probably 19 and her years in the gang world and of smoking (of course)have taken a not so friendly toll on her face.

    my day? well i’m so sick of hearing about how the Giants players are such p*ssys that they quit after winning one SuperBowl. man up kids. Brady is gonna have a ring for each finger before he becomes a quitter.

  7. I picture Chandler Bing narrating your blog. Especially here, “Clearly this Gangsta Grandma on the train with me knew What Was Up and wasn’t afraid to let people know.”

    Don’t mind me, I tend to say weird things.


  8. Just wakin’ up in the morning, gotta thank God…
    I don’t know but today seems kinda odd.

    Maybe not G-Unit, but you’ve got that running through my head now.

    And maybe she thought “G-Unit” was a cutesy way of talking about her old man’s package.

  9. I’m hoping that one of these becomes your version of Good Day Cat (

    And I really REALLY hope it’s the Gangsta Granny.

  10. Ah New York, never a boring moment. Anything interesting happen at work?

  11. Matt

    I love Wednesdays. It’s my favorite day of the week…by far.

  12. OK, what time do you go to bed? You get up so damn early. I gotta know.

  13. JustinS totally made the soundtrack in my head switch to Ice Cube. That’s a Good Thing.

    Oh, and next time, use your phone to take a picture of the smashed car!! You could have shared it with the class….

  14. I love seeing smashed things.

  15. nancypearlwannabe

    Slacks! Did the guy also refer to jeans as dungarees?

  16. While my grandma doesn’t have any street cred she is a toughy. Ever been on Ebay? Ever think you are going to win the bid and then someone swoops in at the last mila-second and snatches away your hopes and dreams? Yeah, that was my grandma, she’s a bitch like that.

  17. Jo

    Oh, I hope when I’m old and crap that I wear a G-Unit tshirt. Not because I’ll like them (fiddy will probably have met his gang-starrr end by then anyway) but because I will be a Cool Lookin’ Grandma.

  18. Marcos

    Dude, they sell G-Unit at TJ Maxx. It’s really not that gangsta. Breaking windows was cool though

  19. I want to see a smashed car! That’s hot.

  20. dutchess – If that happens I’m never blogging again!

    ben – Right! And now I know to stay away from her turf, so thanks.

    deutlich – Oh I bet she did…

    kristen – Duh!

    narm – Hahaha – nice.

    jenny – You can totally say pussy on this blog. Also, I’m a Steelers fan, so I have to tell you that Brady will only win more super bowls if the Pats keep cheating!

    cruz – Fine with me. I can appreciate Bing.

    justin – I was going to take a lyric from that track for my post title, so dap for referencing it.

    stealth – I could only hope to be so lucky.

    marie – Well, so far I talked about the game last night and someone else did replace the water jug – so far so good!

    matt – Friday?

    rebecca – I’m in bed by 10:30 every weekday night. Sad?

    sassy – You know, I was thinking about doing that too. I should’ve, you’re right. Next time I promise!

    melissa – That’s because you’re awesome.

    nancy – I know, I was shocked by his use of “slacks” as well. An odd man for sure.

    rachel – Damn!

    jo – Oh! “gang-starr end!” Nice!

    marcos – I bet if we knew each other back then we’d make a hell of a rock throwing team.

    arielle – I will take pics next time. I hope there is a next time.

  21. Matt

    Wednesday is the new Friday. Trust me

  22. I saw a smashed car parked in the city once, but there was no evidence of what smashed it. I also once saw a parked car that was completely burned out in its parking spot. I fear the reaction of those car owners.

  23. You’re the water-cooler-replacer-man, huh? I remember there used to be one in the back of church, and we used to play Who Can Make It Fart? Ever play that?

  24. Gangsta Grandma sounds awesome!

    Last night after our terrible storm, a car crashed into the giant brick wall outside of my complex. The car and driver were fine, the wall though? DESTROYED.

  25. ^^^I’m so with Sassy on this too… That Ice Cube song immediately popped into my dome! And HE was having a damn good day in that song! Both you and Cube didn’t have to pour out any liquor for dead homies… so it’s mos def a good day… Word!

  26. The other night we were watching Jeopardy and one of the categories was Hip Hop and this grandma knew all the answers.

    Blew my fucking mind.

  27. Just the word “pants” is enough to crack me up!

  28. Not fair that your gym has all the cool old people.

  29. I wish I had a Pants Merchant right now. I could go for some sweet Jorts.

  30. tia

    why do ALL GUYS hate changing the water cooler bottle so much? it’s one of your jobs as the possessor of more upper body strength, deal with it.

  31. matt – Okay, but just this once.

    noelle – Oh, yes! Burned Stuff is second to Smashed Stuff in terms of coolness.

    fortknocks – No, my job is too boring for that. Lame.

    lauren – Awesome!!!

    mental – That song is a true classic.

    kiala – Maybe it was the same one. I just blew my mind.

    abbersnail – Really? How about “table?” Anything?

    mindy – The woman was on the train, not at my gym! I think you’re tired.

    rs27 – What about some Jams?

    tia – I do, I do. I just like to whine about it.

  32. Wait. You threw rocks at houses? What’s wrong with you?

  33. megkathleen

    I love seeing cool old people. It makes me feel not so bad about growing old.

  34. I would have probably shit myself if I saw a grandma wearing a GUnit shirt. That’s CRAZY! So hilarious. I would have taken a picture, for sure!

    Sounds like it WAS a good day.

  35. Rachel

    I am glad that you are having a great day!

    Who knows what the ride home will bring!

  36. i don’t even think my grandma knows what g-unit is, so that definitely wasn’t her you saw.

  37. G-G-G G U-nit!

    Yeah, that old lady is AWESOME!

    And I am a Pants Merchant in my spare time. You want some slacks? I got some slacks right here!

  38. Ari's Mom

    OK. Two things happened to me today that told me today was a Good Day.
    1. I Laughed Out Loud at your blog. And….
    2. Perfect! You and Ari both love Scooby-Doo.

  39. Yeah, but could the old lady throw down some rhymes?

  40. Your morning’s put mine to shame — it’s amazing.

  41. awwww. ari’s mom reads your blog! : )

    and the slacks man sounds awesome, i would want to run into him everyday just in case i spilled my coffee on my slacks and needed some new ones.

  42. hollywood – I don’t know! Please help.

    megkathleen – Right. Hopefully we will be as cool.

    angela – It really was.

    rachel – Thankfully nothing bad happened. Although this dude did have some B.O., but that’s to be expected.

    katelin – I could’ve swore that was her!

    jen – Yes! No pleats though, you have those?

    liz – Ari is unsure of her love for Scooby-Doo, you should remind her.

    todd – Good question. I should’ve battled her.

    allison – Really? I bet if you think about it yours are awesome too.

    alexa – Right. He can be quite handy.

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