mano-a-mano

I think I’d like to fight Sean Connery.

For no other reason than just to see what I’m made of.

Most people like to do things like bungee jumping off a bridge, backpacking the Grand Canyon and sky diving to push themselves to their limits, but not me.

I think engaging in hand-to-hand combat with a 77-year-old man would suit me best.

Of course it would have to be bare knuckles, because I’m sure Connery doesn’t fight any other way. And that’s fine with me. I ain’t scared.

I bet you’re thinking, “Well, how exactly do you plan on getting Connery to fight you?”

That’s easy.

Connery will fight anyone for any reason at any time.

Believe it.

I’ll just catch him at a local coffee shop, tell him that only wusses eat plain bagels and it’ll be on!

And I’m sure the fight will be epic too. He’ll probably say something like (in your best Connery voice please) “You’ll never take me alive you bastard!” Then he’ll throw a chair through the window, just because it would be dramatic and Kind Of Awesome at the same time.

I think I could hold my ground though. At least for a little while.

Sure, he’d probably bloody my nose, separate my shoulder and maybe give me a mean Indian Burn, but I figure I’d get in at least three punches before I went down.

I’m going to do it.

I’m going to fight Sean Connery just because I feel the need to do it. If anyone wants to come watch the fight, just let me know.

But first you have to work on your Connery voice.

Really.

It’s pretty terrible.

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49 Comments

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49 responses to “mano-a-mano

  1. deutlich

    men…

  2. oh, remember when perfecting the Connery voice, remember to not say your ‘S’s” like sssssss…they need to be said with a proper Brithis “shshshshshsh”

    As in “fighting me is just not SHIUTABLE”
    “Please, SHIT down”

    Well, you get what I mean.

  3. Ben

    Oh whatever. He’d give you a stern Scottish look and you’d pee yourself.

  4. Yeah, and just think, if you did (by small miracle) win, you could rightfully claim that you kicked James Bond’s ASS! How awesome would that be??

  5. He’d kick your ass. Then he’s take down Trebek for the fun of it too.

  6. Dude…I take offense to that. I happen to have a totally bangin’ Connery accent. MAN!

  7. Marcos

    You’re the man now dog.

  8. long time reader (lurker??, whatever you want to call it), first time commentor here…..

    I think you might get in 3 SWINGS, but maybe only 1 hit!

  9. NO… NO…NOOO…..He’d kick Chris’s ASSSHHHHHH….remember….the proper Connery pronciation of the ‘ssss’????

  10. Have you ever seen the fight scenes between Peter from Family Guy and the Chicken? Yeah I think the fight would as epic as that! I want front row seats!

  11. I think you’ll change your mind once your face to face. But we’ll see. 🙂

  12. Matt

    Indian burns are wicked…but I got my money on you.

    I think you got this…all I ask is that you post the video of it on your blog for the masses to enjoy.

  13. I predict two things:

    (1) rs27 will take offense to the term “Indian burn”.

    (2) Sean Connery will read this and accept your challenge.

    Even if I’m only half-right, it’ll be entertaining.

  14. Gotta make it pay-per-view. I’d pay $50 to watch this epic battle. But my money’s on Connery. Never bet against an angry Scotsman.

  15. Wait, why was Kiala up so early?

  16. Wow… did someone really “first” comment you. How weird.

    Anyway, Sean Connery would kick your ass. That is all.

  17. your girlfriend puts up with a lot.

  18. getyourfreakon

    This is the best Connery montage–yes, I said montage–EVER.

    And I think you could whip him Chris!

    Happy Friday!

  19. Holy crap – now I want to fight Sean Connery too!

    Tell me where this is taking place!!

  20. I was wondering why Kiala was up so early too.

  21. You do know that Sean Connery is a Highlander?

  22. Indian burn my ass! We’ll blow you up because we…

    Oh, Arjewtino predicted this…

    After you beat up Connery all I hope he says is, “You’re the man now, dawg.”

  23. nancypearlwannabe

    Dude, I’m sorry. I don’t even know you in real life but I KNOW Sean Connery would kick your ass. He just would, because he is that awesome.

  24. He’ll probably say something like (in your best Connery voice please) “You’ll never take me alive you bastard!”

    1. I automatically DID try the voice in my head.
    2. Almost fell off my chair (literally) at “But first you have to work on your Connery voice.”

    Don’t you hurt my Sean. 😉

  25. kiala – Congrats.

    deutlich – We are pretty awesome, aren’t we?

    shelly – Yes I do and it was well done.

    ben – I think you might be right about that. Better bring two pairs of underwear.

    sassy – That would be pretty fucking awesome.

    meghan – Trebek has my back!

    stealthnerd – I’m sorry. I will give you a ticket.

    marcos – Yes!

    gman – Welcome and thanks for commenting man! And you are probably right about that.

    shelly – Right, educate the people!

    mental – I haven’t but thanks for the link.

    ashley – Yes we will!

    matt – Thanks for your support. I’ll post it.

    arjewtino – No way, RS gives the worst Indian Burns.

    harry – If I could make money off of it, it’d be worth getting my ass kicked.

    melissa – Because of my blog! Duh.

    maxie – Maybe I’ll fight you instead? Or are you scared?

    gina – Hahaha – yes, yes she does.

    getyourfreakon – Thanks for that!

    mrstwink – Awesome. I’ll let you know. Bring a bat.

    kristen – Refer to my reply to Melissa.

    robbie – And there can be only one! What an awesome movie that was.

    rs27 – That would make it all worth while.

    nancypearl – But I can lift 10 pounds over my head!

    grace – Thanks! And I’ll only break his legs twice.

  26. … and then chuck norris comes in and kicks ass! because that’s what he does. and i still say it ALWAYS comes down to Chuck Norris.

    i’ll take the rapists for $200

  27. JK

    I would love to see this. Where and when?

  28. “I had the cure for cancer… but I lorsht it!”

    “I’ll take Jap Anus relations for $200”

    “I’ll squash you like a worrum!”

    See? I’m gooooood. Take me to the fight!

  29. Oops, that last one wasn’t even Sean Connery.

    STILL!

    I can do quotes from OTHER movies in a Sean Connery voice… I WIN!! 😀

  30. “I think engaging in hand-to-hand combat with a 77-year-old man would suit me best.”

    That pretty much says it all.

  31. I think you’d win. Because in real life? He’s NOT James Bond.

    Sean Connery is the one actor that I pretty much cannot stand. That voice, those facial expressions, the cocky attitude…. it all just aggravates me. A lot of people get mad at me for saying this.

  32. “Suck it Trebek!”

    Nothing beats celebrity Jeapordy on SNL!

  33. Keef

    Well it’s not fighting Connery but here’s what I did last weekend…

    As promised I thought I’d fill you in on the most recent road trip. We left in the early morning hours of Saturday June 7th in our rented Ford Expedition 8 people deep. Our first stop, the Melrose diner in South Philadelphia, supposedly a landmark. We got there and saw that the service was definitely memorable but the food, oh, the food was awful. We played a game of rock paper scissors to see who would eat he creamed chipped beef (their specialty, which is covered in ketchup!) and luckily I won and only had to eat the Scrapple (puke!) . Weighed down by our awful breakfast we headed to New York and drove across the Brooklyn Bridge and headed into Coney Island. At Coney Island we stopped at the first Hot Dog stand (Nathans) and enjoyed chili, saurkraut, and corndogs respectively, and of course course frog legs. The taste kinda of like shrimp….

    After a quick run into the atlantic ocean and walk down the boardwalk, we headed to Belmont Park to see history. We walked into the park and walked right up to the finish line!!!! Unfortunately, the big race was 6 hours away, and it was 100 degrees outside, this was going to be a test of wills. But it was all worth it as we had a front row to the action, and all the celebrities walked right in front of us at the trophy stand including Shaquille O’Neal, Mayor Michael Bloomberg, and the Governor of New York whom I didn’t see (interesting considering he’s the one who is blind). I enjoyed the final of the three Triple Crown beverages (the first two being the Mint Julep and the Black Eyed Susan). And I would argue, even with it’s $12 price tag, JESUS!, it was the best of the three. We had a great view of Big Brown choke and the winning jockey of Da’Tara raise his fist as he crossed the finish line. Ah well, that’s why they run the races….

    After the race we headed to Boston and ended up crashing outside those parts in Wochester, Mass. I woke up on the floor of the hotel room in a sleeping bag, and looked across the room at the other seven scattered bodies. We slowly got our act together and drove into Boston to attain the best possible Clam Chowder. When we got to the spot it would not be open for another hour so we saw the city. First we posed in front of the Boston garden, as the Celtics were set to play the Lakers that night in Game 2 of the NBA Finals. They had various things outside to amuse the locals including a giant inflatable championship trophy, that some bum made sure to remind us we couldn’t stand on while taking photos. I got into my best defensive stance in front of an NBA finals sign as a local tourist trolley drove by and cheered.

    Back in the car we headed to Boston Commons, a minature version of Central Park, and walked through a pre-revolutionary graveyard. But, because we were double parked in a tow away zone, we decided we shouldn’t venture too far out into the commons. We hopped back into the vehicle and started driving towards Harvard. We double parked again, this time at some version of a police station and did a 15 minute jog around the heart of Harvard’s campus in the 95 degree plus weather. harvard was not as awe inspring as I had imagined, but, it’s probably more so the people teaching and attending as opposed to the buildings. On the way back we drove over a unique modern bridge called the Zakim bridge.

    We got back to the Barking Crab where we finagled a parking spot, most likely illegally, and arrived at what turned out to be Clam Chowder nirvana. I mean this wasn’t your typical fish oatmeal, this was buttery, cream soup with clam and ham pieces. With a Samuel Adams Summer Ale and their sesame oil crab salad, it was definitely a slice of heaven. Having eaten our soup and sald, we headed north for our Maine course of Lobster. On the way out of Boston we stopped at a giant bottle of milk, and purchased school sized portions of Hood milk. It did’t neccesarily set well with Chowda and Beer, but it felt awfully necessary, and I’m glad we did it. I’m sure the fella workin behind the counter at the Giant Milk bottle downtown never knew what hit him, as eight passengers jumped out of a truck begging for milk.

    We arrived at Ogunquit, ME at Perkins Cove to a famous lobster shack dubbed Barnacle Billy’s. When we sat down we asked the engaging waitress what the biggest lobster on the menu was, to which she returned from the kitchen with “Whatever you want”. Bewildered by that response my compatriot Josh and I tested the waters with the question “5 pounds?” and she she replied “Sure”. “Sure?, you have a 5 pound lobster? How big is your largest!?” She said she needed to check and went back to the kitchen to scout the largest one, and she returned with a semi-reasonable answer of “Well, good news bad news. The bad news is our biggest lobster is only 4 1/4 pounds, but the good news is that it’ll save you some money and only cost $87.00. And, my manager told me if I sold you this one I’d get the rest of the night off.” Josh and I looked at each other, with only the slightest moment of hesitation on my part, and we agreed to do it. They brought out our soon to be dead friend Larry the Lobster, and posed with him. They told us it would tak emuch longer than usual to cook him in the boiling water, something like 45 minutes. So we had a couple Shipyard Ales and basked in the moment. By the time the Lobster arrived my stomach was pretty much satiated, but no worry, becuase apparently a little over two pounds of lobster is not terribly filling. Even though they gave each of us our own cereal bowl full of butter for dipping. The most fantastic part of the lobster was when we pulled the meat out of our respective claws. The manager notified us that because ours was a male that the claw meat would be larger, as opposed to the female who would have more meat in the tail to protect her eggs. When we cracked these giant claws it was like smashing plaster, and the singular patty of lobster meat that was unearthed from the claw resembled the average steak at some bogus chain resturant. Feeling that we had accomplished something unique we headed to the Expedition minus $350 for our party of 8, and began the long voyage home to the Baltimore park and ride where we had rendevoued almost 48 hours earlier. On the way home some moodiness erupted in the back seat about stopping Vermont at he Chelsea Royal Diner for maple syrup and pancakes saying “I’ve already done that and we need to get back” so alas maple syrup was left out of this adventure. We stopped in some Western Massachusetts town and stopped at a Dunkin Donuts and enjoy some Boston Creme donuts and milk. Initially we had thought to stop at the Omni Parker House in Boston and get Creme Pie at the location of it’s invention, but it didn’t become a priority when we were in town. After eating my first couple donuts, I remembered why I didn’t care for them.

    The last stop before home was the Tick Tock Diner in New Jersey. It had a solid reputation as one of the best diners around, and had been featured on many television shows. We figured this would be a good way to close out the adventure. I got a monte cristo which was made between two slices of french toast while my boy Bruce got the meatloaf. The food was highly suspect, and the experience probably worse. It had us craving for the Melrose diner from the day before, which is certainly saying something.

    We got back to the Park and ride at 3:25, and the rental car was due back to the airport at 3:46, so we got there threw all of our stuff out of the car and Josh zoomed away. Shaina jumped in her car to drive three more hours to work where she had a 7:30 meeting, and me being the intelligent one having learned from our Kentucky trip, smiled as I went to sleep at my mom’s house with the next two days off from my job.

  34. You’ll lose, but you’ll probably just cream your pants being in his presence. It’ll be a win win no matter what.

  35. I don’t even have a witty response. I couldn’t stop laughing after picturing you fighting a 77-year-old.

    Sean Connery or not — he’s still 77 years old.

  36. jenny – Love that sketch.

    jk – I’ll keep you posted. Bring some candy for my victory meal please.

    jen – You’re on the list!

    mindy – Yes it does.

    angela – Awesome! I enjoy opposing views.

    rachel – I know, it’s great.

    keef – Damn dude. You crazy.

    liz – I will not! I may blush though.

    allison – He must go down!

  37. megkathleen

    You so smart. How did you know my connery voice is horrible?

  38. deutlich

    Not sure if “awesome” was the word I was going for..

  39. I can actually do a kickass Connery impersonation, except for the whole “boning many beautiful women” part. But I’m working on that.

  40. A LONG time ago, I used to work at Medieval Times (post about this job will happen, eventually), and one of our Emcees would do entire shows in a Connery voice. He would pepper in phrases like, “You’re the man now dog” and we would inform him that “Finding Forrester” was not a medieval-themed film.

  41. Really? I think my Connery impression is pretty damn sweet. Especially when I quote Dragonheart.

    “How many dragons do you know?”

  42. oh man. you got a “first” comment. you’ve hit the big time!

  43. Oh dear, fighting with the Scottish is REALLY not a good idea . . . We’re pretty damn tough!

  44. Um, did you happen to hear about this:

    http://www.dlisted.com/node/26577

    I know the culprit was you, and not some “golf outing injury” as they say…

  45. is sean connery actually 77?

    Did you know that already or did you have to look it up?

    I’m not really sure why i care.

  46. I’d like to fight Neil Diamond.

  47. If you want to fight Sir Sean, you better work on your Scottish salute.

  48. Sean Connery doesn’t fight men – he only hits women. Sorry.

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