i’m only as young as my things

I have a problem.

It’s this:

ugly dumb bag

No, not my dog.  He’s fine.  Well, fine in that he hasn’t peed on my shoe in about a month.  I tried to just take a picture of my bag, but every time I did, Jack would start biting my leg, so I had to agree to his terms of being in the picture.  He can be such a diva.

It’s my bag.

It’s the bag that I use to carry my clothes that I use for the gym every day – and it’s an Eddie Bauer bag.

That’s right.

Eddie Bauer.

I carry a bag that proudly declares “Eddie Bauer” on its side every single day of the week.

Do you know who uses Eddie Bauer stuff?

This guy.

Sure, he seems like he’s nice.

But he’s old.  Very, very old.  And while he may have been The Tops back in his day, it is safe to say that he is not on top of his game any longer.

Old people wear/use Eddie Bauer stuff.

I should not be using a bag that immediately adds 73 years to my life.

When people see me with this bag, they automatically assume I wear adult diapers, miss I Love Lucy and eat dinner at 1:30 in the afternoon.

They don’t understand that I am – in fact – Really Cool.


Even with a thumb in the picture I pulled off a “Man, I am too cool for this” look. Actually, I was just pissed off that the train was taking forever, but you get my point.

My bag is giving people the wrong idea about who I am as a person, and I have got to put a stop to it.

It’d be different if people didn’t judge others on material possessions, but c’mon – who the hell doesn’t do that?

(Now that you’re done here, please go read my guest post over at Oh! How Lovely! It’s amazing and will make you love life even more than that time you found that hidden bag of Doritos in your cupboard. And if you don’t regularly read Oh! How Lovely! start now.)


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58 responses to “i’m only as young as my things

  1. deutlich

    what the heck are you wearing?! is that a jean jacket with a HUGE collar or am I seeing things?

  2. Marcos

    Hey if you want me to pick you up a hip Gravis or Burton bag just let me know. It might not be G-Star but its definitely not EB.

    Check them out and let me know:



  3. You NEED a new bag. Eddie Bauer is the mark of old. The time has come. If you keep that bag you might as well get a fanny pack… you know, to hold your stuff on those days when you’re packing light and not hitting the gym.

  4. Listen, everyone else is going to comment on your bag, but I like to be different, so I wont. I will instead say this:

    Your dog has the most amazing ears I’ve ever seen on a dog.

    Seriously. How does he get them to do that?

  5. Your dog is super cute. 🙂

    I get the bag thing. Time for a new one. My husband is an avid fly fisher, and he will not use anything that says LL Bean on it. Because LL Bean = yuppies and my husband = rugged outdoorsman and seasoned fisherman.

    Until you pick up a new one, you might color the logo in some black Sharpie or cover it with electrical tape……

  6. Eddie Bauer is old? Shit, I thought it was trendy. What about my stylin Rockport shoes?

  7. So you should prob fix this. You need a new bag and soon. 🙂

  8. I gotta kinda go with Deutlich on this… Your bag may very well go with your coat.


  9. Yup, you’re too cool for the bag.

  10. Put a sailor’s hat on the old man’s head and make him wink and that’s Popeye.

    Same goes for you.

  11. Matt

    Smoking a pipe is pretty cool though…

    I think anyway.

    PS- great post on Jamies blog…I enjoyed.

  12. I think you should stop going to the gym. Problem solved!

  13. Melissa’s totally right. Gyms are for old people, too. The young use the Internet and steroids to stay in shape.

  14. Crap I shop at Eddie Bauer. Luckily there are plenty of other things that make me uncool that I don’t have to worry about it.

  15. I came over from How Lovely to tell you that: You’re funny. 🙂

  16. deutlich – No way – it’s a canvas G Star jacket and it is fucking HOT. Trust me on that.

    marcos – Hell yeah dude! I like that gravis bag, in black?

    melissa – Oh man a fanny pack is the last straw.

    stealthnerd – I know! He was just like that. It’s cute as hell.

    verybad – Yeah, I could see that about LL Bean. Terrible.

    fort knocks – If Common still rocks them, then you’re fine.

    ashley – Yeah, I know.

    sassy – No way! See my reply to Deutlich. Now I feel like I need to take another picture of me in that coat just to prove how awesome it is.

    marie – Why thank you.

    arjewtino – I do love spinach…

    matt – No, it is, you’re right. And thanks man.

    melissa – Nope. No belly on this man. Ever!

    justin – Hahaha – I bet fwd’s are great cardio.

    narm – Then you’re fine!

    ashley – Thanks! Keep coming back!

  17. Whatever. It’s a great picture of you. You’re the guy with the pipe, right?

  18. I’m just going to leave comments all day. UNTIL YOU EMAIL ME BACK. Wait.

  19. Marcos

    You got it bro!

  20. I gotta back him up on the coat because it is, in fact, hot.

  21. i’m going to have to pass this on to my beau, as he just purchased an Eddie Bauer polo shirt last week. spur of the moment, need a shirt kind of situation…but really, if what you say is true, does ANY situation warrant the purchase of 73 additional years on a life? no way.

  22. Can I borrow your Eddie Bauer bag? The seniors discount at Applebee’s never looked so fine.

  23. I knew that was a GStar jacket! Everyone in New York wears them.

    Well, okay, I’ve met one guy from New York and his name is Joe and he has two GStar jackets because they cost like a million dollars so that is all you can ever have. Two.

  24. Wait. My diaper bag is Eddie Bauer.

    That’s coo…


    I see your point.

    We can go shopping for new bags together.

  25. nicoleantoinette

    Shit. I just bought an Eddie Bauer sleeping bag.

  26. I think Peter Deluise wore that jacket on 21 Jump Street. And if you didn’t like 21 Jump Street you can just get out.

    Eddie Bauer is old.

  27. Why such a big bag for the gym? You don’t need supplies like a woman, so unless you’re toting a kettle bell for the workout, what’s in there? Three towels? An Arnold suit?

  28. Your picture makes you look like the Fonz and I don’t think the Fonz wears Eddie Bauer bags.

  29. I thought the thumb in the pic was Fonzi giving you the “AAAAYYYYY!” for your coolness. I guess I was wrong.

  30. LOL, I don’t think an Eddie Bauer bag adds too many years to your life. My mom has the same set of bags and she’s not that old. And you never see 73-year-old couples driving around in Eddie Bauer edition Ford Explorers, now do you?

  31. My gym bag is swag from “Rescue Me,” but it’s black on black, so no one knows how cool I really am.

  32. My gym bag is a bright ass green bag from Victoria’s Secret. It either says “Ah! I’m a stupid teen who likes to buy from the PINK collection because she’s too young to shop for big girl lingerie,” or it says “Yeah. I’m sixteen.”


    Shut up. Don’t judge me!

    (Being a 23 year old who looks 16 has to be a plus some how. No? Yeah okay.)

  33. melissa – I did! And yes, it is a good picture of me. Kind of.

    marcos – Hook ups!

    ari – Thank you.

    erikka – Exactly.

    meghan – Hahaha – you fucker.

    kiala – Well done! Yes, it was expensive but dammit, it was worth it.

    kristen – Let’s do it! Drinks first?

    nicole – Hi grandma!

    rs – Of course I liked 21 Jump Street. I’m not an animal!

    jessica – Well, it’s got my shoes, shirt, socks, boxerbriefs, deodorant – just a bunch of crap. I wish it had an Arnold suit!

    lauren – You’re right about that.

    dingo – I wish you weren’t.

    angela – You just told me your Mom has my bag. I am dying.

    noelle – So you just tell them, right?

    freeandflawed – Yeah, it might be time for you to make a shopping trip too.

  34. megkathleen

    You look kind of scary in the picture. Are you in a gang? Is that what gangsters look like? I don’t know anything…

  35. It’s a perfectly fine bag. Do you know who cares about their gym bag? Not cooler than cool guys like you. Shape up.

    Also, that pic looks so much like Seamus, who, oddly enough, just yanked Devin’s bag out from under the bed and chewed the strap into 100 teency pieces.

    Parallel lives, my friend.

  36. eddie bauer … hmm. now if jack bauer made a bag, that might be a different story.

    i love that old guy though. geriatrics are my thing. and by “my thing,” i simply mean i minored in them (it?) in college.

  37. Had the same reaction as Deutlich. I’m glad to know it’s not denim. Haha. Out of curiosity, what bag are you getting to replace it?

  38. I say go for the total “I don’t give a shit attitude” and use a garbage bag.

  39. I just found your blog over at Oh! How lovely! I enjoy your style! 🙂

  40. So we are pretending that you don’t wear adult diapers now? Really?

  41. getyourfreakon

    I think you should give it to Granny in the G-Unit tee the next time you see her.

  42. I didn’t even think Eddie Bauer existed outside of the Midwest, and even here I’m pretty sure you need an AARP card to get in. They’re very exclusive that way.

    Kipling bags are my favorite, but then again I have weird taste.

  43. i actually like the bag, eddie or not it carries your gym clothes and that works right. at least you’re not carrying a bag with Viagra plastered on it or something. then you’d really be in trouble.

  44. your dog is hilarious! my cat used to have a thing for jumping on people’s shoulders and decided to plan a sneak attack on one of my friends when we were once posing for a high school prom picture. sadly no footage was recovered, but we still laugh about it today.

  45. Do you take the F train in Brooklyn?? Last week that train was my BF from Manhattan to The Slope!

  46. Jack is so big! I want to put a kiss on his puppy nose!

    Oh yeah, you’re cool too.

  47. megkathleen – Yes I am. It’s a gang full of bloggers and we are tough! Sometimes we don’t spell things right just to be mean.

    hollywood – I like that you told me to “shape up.” Also, are you eating almonds right now???

    brookem – I was hoping you weren’t gonna say you were into dating them or something like that.

    lisa – Well, my boy Marcos is about to hook up some kind of bag for me, so I guess it’s gonna be that one. Though I do like Tumi bags.

    rachel – Also known as “the homeless dude bag.”

    jamie – Thanks for reading!

    mindy – Yes dammit! Now don’t bring it up again!

    getyourfreakon – Good idea! I hope she doesn’t bitch slap me.

    whiskeymarie – I looked at Kipling bags, but they’re for women. I would rock one if I was a woman though. I’m fine with saying that!

    katelin – That’s a good point.

    cupcakes – Yes he is. Your cat and my dog should hang out and destroy the world together.

    your girlfriend – Well, I have, but I live by the C. The photo on my header is the stop near my apartment.

    jen – He is? Good. And you can kiss his nose if you like.

  48. I hate when you’ve been carrying/wearing something you think is just fine and then it dawns on you. Wait, everyone else here is wearing skinny jeans. Crap.

  49. This makes my Celine Dion confession last week seem so much less uncool. So thanks.

  50. I have Eddie Bauer Sun glasses and they are PIMP!
    Now , I will never use “that word” in any other statement refering to E.B. EVER AGAIN!

  51. Oh yeah, Eddie Bauer! Women want to date you.

  52. meg

    Thank goodness I’m not the only one. Because not only is my gym tote embarrassingly old and practical (it is from LL Bean for christ’s sake), I also sometimes accidentally have knitting needles and EXTREMELY SENSIBLE reading material poking out. My vagina should just give up right now. She and I can go join a bridge club together, right after we have dinner at 4 pm.

  53. JK

    It just amazes me how you keep up with all the comments your blog gets……That’s really all I have to say.

  54. Okay, I’m 27 and SUPER FREAKING COOL* and I have an Eddie Bauer sling bag AND an Eddie Bauer sweatshirt, both of which are prominently branded across the front.

    *and by super freaking cool, I mean I’m a loser like you. Word.

  55. Man, I wish I was too cool for the subway.
    But at first I thought your problem was the dog wasnt fitting in the bag, I figured you were going for the Socialite Cool Look. Just with a much, MUCH bigger dog.

  56. “You think you’re too cool for school… But I got a news flash for you Walter Cronkite… You Aren’t!”
    ~End Scene

  57. Cute dog. I’m pretty sure he could eat my dogs.

    And I didn’t even know Eddie Bauer was still around??

  58. holy shit! i had no idea that cool mofo was leaving comments on my blog! even god is creeping up behind you to get a piece of the action.

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