surprise attack

I don’t have a big problem with bugs because we have a deal – they don’t fuck with me and I let them live to be Generally Gross another day.

And really I don’t even encounter that many bugs living here, which is a perk of the city. You know how gnats are the most annoying thing ever, aside from Heidi Montag? Well, there are no gnats here. Sadly, Ari still worships The Hills, but that’s another story.

This morning though, a bug broke our deal.

Of course it was a moth, because I could care less about every single bug except moths. Those things are fucking nasty.

They have fur and they have wings! What kind of creature has fur and wings??? A Devil Creature, that’s what.

My encounter with the moth happened when I entered the bathroom in our office this morning.

We leave the windows open even though there are no screens because some people make Smells That Hurt My Feelings in there, so the moth must have come in overnight.

I went to flush the urinal and the Devil Creature was hiding under the handle.

Thus the battle began.

He immediately made his move. Right for my neck.

I reeled backwards and yelled “Ahhhwhatthefuckgetawayfrommeeee!” as I swatted the air helplessly.

Mind you my pants were still unzipped, so if someone had come in, it would have made me look like I was so happy to be in the bathroom that I undid my pants and started dancing. Not something I normally do. Well, at least not on Wednesdays.

Unphased by my scream and zipper-down dance of hysteria, the moth kept swooping down at me – over and over again. Kind of like that Nelly song.

This is when I tried to blow him out the window.

I was swatting and blowing, “Phoooo!” “Phoooo!,” the moth was swooping, and I started to think that this must be what it’s like to go insane. It looked like I was having a complete mental breakdown, but inside my head, everything made perfect sense.

Finally, as if the Bug Gods had taken pity on me, I swatted the moth out through the window.

I looked around.

I wiped the sweat off my forehead.

I zipped up.

Now somewhere out in the streets of Manhattan, there is a moth laughing at me with all his moth friends.

And I just think that’s pretty mean.


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67 responses to “surprise attack

  1. Bats have fur and wings, defintely devil creature.

  2. Ben

    Somewhere, in the halls of your office, someone saw you leave the bathroom sweaty and disheveled and assumed that you got busy. They were probably about to give you a high five until no one else ever came out of the bathroom. Then you just became five times pervier.

  3. Next time, just piss it out of the sky. Sure, you might miss the first time, but the urine stream acts like tracers on those antiaircraft guns in WW II movies.

  4. I HATE moths. In sleepaway camp we had moths the size of your hand. I called them mothbirds. Lacey can vouch. They were NASTY. Shudder.

  5. Bats are Satan’s Devil-Angels… Moths are Bat’s Devil-Angels… ipso facto… Moths are Evil!

  6. I used to have the same deal with pigeons.

    Not anymore.

  7. You think you looked like an insane person? You should see how I sprint in the other direction and scream when I see a pigeon. They’re not bugs, but might as well be. Nasty creatures!

  8. I am pretty sure there is a joke about moth balls somewhere in there but I think I am just going to let it be.

  9. This…

    This is the best story you’ve ever told.

    I’m going to be laughing and picturing you with your fly down all day long.

  10. Oh all the things you could be scared has to be a moth. 🙂

  11. WAIT!

    That came out mean and I didn’t mean it that way so don’t take it like that okay?


  12. I’m sure that when you have your fly down and you’re not swatting moths you’re very sexy.

  13. Matt

    Moths are the devil.

    Just a quick note- be careful when using the word “Blowing” and the setting is a Mens Bathroom.

    I’m pretty sure that’s a no-no.

  14. In my old apartment we had a balcony with french doors and we’d leave them open all day and all night because it’s Portland and nothing bad ever happens here. Outside on the street was a big cherry tree and once every, oh I don’t know thousandy years, there would be a moth hatching.

    It was like a horror movie. THEY WERE EVERYWHERE.

    And our cat would chase them into our bed and gah NOOO I’M HAVING FLASHBACKS.

    I have to shower now.

  15. Marcos

    Dude, you have NO idea what kind of bugs I dealt with in Costa Rica. The Army Ants would actually go out of their way to attack you. I’d be just chilling outside when all of a sudden there’s a line of ants crawling of my leg and biting me.

    Check out this beetle thing with huge fucking pinchers. It was only about six inches long and right outside our lodge:

    Here’s a super furry Costa Rican moth:

    Sweet dreams!

  16. yeah, moths squick me out. every few years, we have a huge moth infestation here… kinda like the 7 year cicada deal. they are yucky.

  17. Bats are cool though. They eat bugs! Like moths and misquitos. nice.

  18. dutchess – Agreed. I knew I was missing one.

    ben – And after the level of perv I’m already at, I bet a lawsuit is pending.

    justin – Duly noted.

    arielle – Yeah, those big ones are fucking scary. How did they survive and the dinosaurs didn’t???

    mental – You just blew my mind.

    arjewtino – That was one awesome post – everyone go check it out!

    marie – Rats with wings. Rats with wings.

    narm – My ego thanks you.

    kristen – Hahaha – thanks, kind of. I do look sexy with my fly down. I swear. And Huge!!!

    ashley – I know, but they’re so gross! I also am scared to death of rollercoasters.

    matt – Yes, that is a good point.

    kiala – Now I’m having flashbacks of your flashbacks! That is fucking crazy.

    marcos – Dude, if I was you I would’ve went home after seeing that big white moth.

    sassy – How crazy is that whole 7 year thing? That has to be the weirdest thing ever.

  19. At least this didn’t happen on a Monday. That’s the only way it would have been worse. You know, you need a Good Day cat in the mornings…then he could eat the bugs.

  20. yikes, i hate bugs.

    and now i have that nelly song stuck in my head. thanks for that.

  21. You must live in a different nyc. There are gnats everywhere. And since I don’t have a deal of any sort with bugs, I try to kill every one of them.

    (But you know you can’t kill a gnat, unless it’s old and tired, and flying in slow motion. …Maybe the same applies to Heidi.)

  22. Rachel

    I officially love you. That was an AWESOME story

    “Smells That Hurt My Feelings” sums up so many of life’s intricacies…

    …and is it wrong that I sort of wish someone had walked in on you?

  23. Ah, thank you for this. Smells hurt my feelings sometimes, too.

  24. a moth?? A MOTH?? Are you kidding me?? No, spiders, siders and snakes are the devil’s creatures! Nothing should move that creepy! Eek I just cringed and shook a little.

  25. Haha, stop being so funny all the time.

  26. My mom thinks moths are devil creatures, too. I believe it’s because they’re like ugly butterflies “whose wings flutter too quickly.” Yep. She’s afraid of the speed of their wings.

  27. Ooh – they are creepy things.

    I’m sure that you scared the moth away with your blowing.

  28. deutlich

    That’s the funniest shit I’ve read in a while. Thanks for the laughs.

  29. I’m Fedex’in my cat to you. She eats bugs. Your welcome.

  30. Bats have fur and wings. And it spawned the Bat Man. And he he has his own signal.

    The world has won.

  31. That was perhaps the funniest thing i’ve read all day.

  32. Cicadas are pretty horrible too. They swarm and land on you and they’re HUGE!

  33. Thank you for giving me an excuse when the next co-worker walks into the restroom only to find me dancing around with my fly down. It’s not easy coming up with a believable story and I don’t think my tale of trying to cool off the burning sensation is winning me any friends.

  34. megkathleen

    Devil Creatures indeed. There’s been a moth in my bathroom for about a week now and I can’t get rid of him and it’s giving me nightmares…and I haven’t been able to shower for fear that the Devil Creature will attack me. So…it’s been a pretty bad week.

  35. stealth – Please catch one for me and bring it to my building. Please?

    brookem – I’m sorry.

    jessica – There are? I haven’t seen one. Do you live in the park?

    rachel – Thanks, but yes, it is wrong that you wished that.

    erin – They are Inappropriate.

    allie – See, I don’t really mind spiders and snakes, they’re kinda cool to me.

    nicole – Thanks! That was a nice thing to say.

    freeandflawed – Hahaha – their wings are pretty fast, aren’t they?

    twink – If they come back with reinforcements, can I count on you to help me out?

    deutlich – Thank you for the nice comment!

    meghan – Sweet. Should I walk it?

    rs – The world is a dark, dark place.

    beth – Thanks. But was it just “perhaps” or was it “definetly.”

    srah – Oh those things are just so fucking weird. Really.

    harry – Hahaha – You’re welcome, I’m here to help.

    megkathleen – I feel bad for Chuckles.

  36. It’s one thing to be attacked by a bug. But to be attacked while your pants are down is just cruel.

  37. Insects are disgusting. Especially if you see a whole bunch of them together. If you are skittish over moths, then you have not seen a FLYING cockroach yet. Freaks of nature.

    It would’ve been fun to watch you dancing around from afar and not seeing the moth. Meltdown.

    Marie….pigeons are evil. I look ridiculous trying to dodge them on the sidewalk.

  38. megkathleen

    Well, if Chuckles would kill the Devil Creature it wouldn’t be an issue now would it?

  39. Try having these damn mayflies. They only come once or twice a summer — worst bugs. Gross. But, they do die pretty quickly.

  40. the manliness is hard to handle

  41. Scorpions are MUCH worse than moths.

  42. Listen man, just because you want to do some pantsless dancing doesn’t mean you have to make up a cover story. 😉

  43. Heidi

    Seriously, marry me and I will kill all your demons for you. No, that’s a lie. But I would discourage them from entering my domain by screaming… loud.

  44. I’m crying. Seriously! Tears of laughter, though.

    Pleeeeeeease come work in my office!!! 😀

  45. haha that’s hilarious.

    granted i probably would have screamed before swatting it. i hate bugs. ew. ew. ew.

  46. J

    You know what? That was hilarious.

  47. I know; I hate moths. My boyfriend, Jeff, catches them IN HIS HANDS! and throws them outside. If one of them even so much as grazes my skin, I must immediately take a shower.

  48. Miz

    This is one of those moments where you wish you had a video camera taping your every move. It sounds like it was hilarious! Thanks for sharing 🙂
    Can I just say Moths = Silence of the Lambs = CREEPY!

  49. JK

    I had an experience like this with a crow once. I was a newspaper girl and it clawed my head and then chased me….

  50. noelle – It’s like he has no morals!

    gladys – No, thank god I haven’t seen a flying roach.

    megkathleen – Do you want me to have a talk with him?

    allison – Mayflies? I have no idea what that is!

    each – Don’t I know it!

    ari – You’re cute.

    melissa – I know, I need to just be myself.

    heidi – Hmm… not a bad idea…

    jen – I’m on my way.

    katelin – That might have scared it at least.

    j – Thanks!

    gooseberried – Is he superman?

    miz – Very creepy.

    jk – Hahaha – that is hilarious!

  51. Manliest man who ever manned.

  52. Well that’s it. You win for funniest mental image of the day.

  53. Oh, this made me laugh so hard. Thanks.

  54. I’m late today. Sorry. I hate moths too. They are the only insects I hate. We are so alike.

  55. I almost put a centipede on my face last night when I realized one was running around on a Kleenex I was about to blow my nose on. I almost had a heart attack. This wasn’t my first encounter with one of those bitches either.

  56. I just LoL’d.

    I feel your pain. If any arthropod crosses my path I run, hands flailing in the opposite direction. And I only run when fleeing danger so you know it’s serious.

  57. I see your Manhattan moth and raise you two of the Junebugs that flit around here in San Diego on any given day.

    Ever walk home at last call, and you see some poison enthusiast stumble out of a dive, who, upon sight, you know is likely either going to (a) accidentally bump into you or (b) hurl on you? Yeah? That’s basically a king-sized version of the junebug, the perpetually drunken uncles of the insect world. Fat, puke green, and incapable of flying a straight line.

  58. You know what I love? Your use of Capital Letters. It reminds me of reading Mary Poppins and the way the author capitalized Important Things.

    You may have a new reader. 🙂

  59. I don’t like moths either…or really any bugs.

    To me, moths are like the curse of 2 butterfly siblings procreating. God was mad that they gave each other the business so he “blessed” them with an ugly, hairy offspring.

    Just my theory.

  60. you know what’s worse than a moth? Moth Man. He’s scary.

    At least you didn’t swallow the thing.

  61. I literally couldn’t finish reading after you wrote fur + wings. I hate moths, too. I hate bugs. I can’t even read about them!

  62. big time – You know it!

    rachel – well, what do I win?

    kindredly – You’re welcome.

    melissa – I know!

    felicia – Hahaha – I hope it’s your last though.

    your girlfriend – Oh yeah, it sounds serious to me.

    sonny – Hahaha – very nice analogy.

    girl – Thanks! Keep reading please!

    lboogie – Sound about right to me.

    maxie – I agree, Moth Man is way worse.

    jessica – Sorry about that then.

  63. Don’t you know not to open your mouth when they’re swooping, even to curse at them? What if it flew right in there?! Geez, that shit’s Moth 101.

  64. Pingback: Moth fighting, Pop Rock-book reviewing, and two bloggers in their underwear | Arjewtino

  65. turnonthestars

    ohman.. I’ve never laughed so hard at a blog before. I love the fact that you yelled “Ahhhwhatthefuckgetawayfrommeeee!” in a bathroom… while you had your fly unzipped. Made me giggle.

    Nice work!

  66. You said, “Smells that Hurt My Feelings”, and I said, “That does it, I’m adding this guy to my favorites.” And you’re right. It was pretty mean of those moths to laugh at you like that.

  67. Ben

    […Now, I’m all for laughing at people afraid of moths, but these moths meant business…]

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