hurts so good

I’m a big fan of making fun of people.

It’s one of the main reasons that, if Hell does exist, you’ll eventually find me there playing cards with Fab and Rob from Milli Vanilli while trying to keep Geraldo from stealing my last Entenmann’s danish.

It’s really a fun thing to do, so I am always in search of new and exciting ways to put people down in order to feel better about myself.

One of the best insults that I’ve ever heard comes from my good friend Mason, who would hurl it at an unsuspecting person with the greatest of ease.

Whenever Mason was drinking A Couple Cool Ones and someone made him upset, you heard it:

“That dude is such a bag of dicks!”

Brilliant, right?

A bag of dicks.

Think about that for a minute.

I don’t want to be one dick, let alone an entire bag of them.

It’s like telling someone that they are upsetting you in so many ways that you can’t even describe each one, so you just have to lump them all together in one huge Bag Of Upsetness.

Whenever someone would hear Mason tell them that they were, unfortunately, a bag of dicks, they would always have a stunned expression.

They could not understand what it meant to be a bag of dicks, and because of that, Mason and I would enjoy a good laugh before deciding it was time to Drink More and maybe talk about how awesome the Steelers are.

Not to mention the fact that I imagine a bag of dicks would not be that pleasant to look at.  You know, because they’d be all mushed up in there and all that.

Forget “asshole.”

Forget “motherfucker.”

And most certainly forget “douche” and any form of it, because that is the most overplayed insult there is.

Next time you want to really make fun of someone, call them a bag of dicks and let the fun ensue.

Just be ready for an eternity of damnation and Geraldo telling you, “I swear, I’ll buy you another box!”

Trust me, he won’t.


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58 responses to “hurts so good

  1. I’m always afraid to yell FIRST!!! Because while I’m typing someone else is doing it so maybe I’m first and maybe I’m not.

    Let’s see.

  2. YES!

    I was first.

    I like “wanker.” That’s my favorite insult.

    And I love “bag of dicks.”

    My husband always says “go suck a bag of dicks.”

    Or is it “eat a bag of shit?”

    I can’t remember now.

  3. JK

    Picturing a bag of dicks scares me…..and makes me feel bad for the bag. Yes, I’m pretty sure I’d never want to be called that. Great Insult!

  4. arjewtino

    Douche, and more specifically douchebag, have jumped the shark or nuked the fridge or whatever it is you say to describe something past its prime.

    Nuked the fridge. Yeah, that was it.

  5. Marcos

    “Bag of Dicks” is good but “douche-mullet” is definitely awesome and never overused.

    If you’re looking for even more awesome insults, the British definitely have the some of the best expressions. Examples:
    “wank biscuit”
    “wedding tackle”
    “thick as shit in the neck of a bottle”
    “todger dodger”
    “trolley dolly”

  6. This. Is. Awesome. Now I know what insult to use at work.

  7. See, insults aren’t my thing. I’m great at THINKING them, but not so good at saying them. I’d have to whisper the insult, which, somehow reduces the effectiveness of it.

    Although I like to PRETEND I’m naughty and hip with the times, bad words scare me, therefore, I must WHISPER them to ease my sense of guilt.

    I can type BAG OF DICKS with the best of them, but I don’t think I could say it out loud. I also can’t say (or type) the ‘V’ word regarding a woman’s reproductive anatomy. Hoo haa works best for me in situations where I’m required to decribe it. I think my mother scarred me by forcing me to use proper words for body parts and functions….instead of the cool slang my friends used (I had to say expell gas, and all my little friends got to say FART). The horror.

  8. nancypearlwannabe

    My Chris uses “bag of dicks”, too. Only more like, “eat a bag of dicks”. Hilar.

  9. insulting and mocking others is By Far one of my favorite past-times. it’s such a blast!
    hell is gonna’ be SO much fun!!

  10. deutlich

    I’m pretty positive I’ll use that term forever and always now.

    Also? The Steelers are lame.


  11. That’s like my favorite insult, ripped from “Law and Order.” It goes, “Girl, you are dumber than a sack of hair.”

  12. Matt

    I dont trust Geraldo…

    Never have.

    I think he may be closet gay.

  13. Hey, watch it. Douche is a classic. It’s like the blogger secret handshake. Honor among thieves, you know?

  14. Goose

    Wow I normally just wish ass cancer on people…Quarterbacks especially. Tom Brady is such a Bag of Dicks!!!!!

  15. a buddy of mine uses that insult and i love it.

    “a mushed up bag of dicks”– oof, glad my breakfast is digested before reading that.

  16. Oh my Lord. I just about spit my water out on my computer. “A bag of dicks” is fantastic!

  17. I didn’t know anyone else used Bag of Dicks. I am also a fan of “box of crushed assholes” because I’m not sure it makes sense but still provides a disgusting visual.

  18. If you think you love making fun of people now, wait until you have kids. As a parent, it’s your job to break down their self esteem.

  19. I like cockdick, dickcock, and fucko.

    Oh! And I like to call girls assholes. It’s funny.

  20. kristen – I like both. And congrats on being first, I am sure it’s made your parents proud.

    jk – Yeah, the bag is getting the worst of it.

    arjewtino – You know, I’ve never heard that before, but I like it!

    marcos – Yes! Wedding tackle is sweet.

    marie – Save it for your boss!

    shelly – Oh man, yeah, your Mom definitely messed up by having you do that.

    nancypearl – He’s a good man.

    jenny – Let me know when you get there, we’ll hang out and start a blog about it.

    deutlich – Comments like that about the Steelers will get you banned!

    noelle – Hahaha – that’s a good one.

    matt – Dude loves taking people’s shit. He’s crazy.

    melissa – Good point. Don’t hate me fellow bloggers! I’m such a douche!

    goose – I agree – Tom Brady is arguably the biggest bag of dicks there is.

    brookem – Yeah, I should’ve warned people.

    smilf – Yes it is, Mason is an awesome dude.

    narm – Oh damn – yeah, that is nasty!

    justin – I can’t wait!

    kiala – Hahaha – dickcock is great!

  21. Cheesehead is my go to insult. Who wants to be a cheesehead? It all smells when it gets hot and it’s soft.

    Certainly not I.

  22. reading this is like watching a George Carlin bit 😦

    I prefer “Asshat”…it just paints a funny picture in your head.

  23. I would also like to join Melissa and come out in support of douche.

    And Kiala, I love fucko.

  24. I think there was a comedian who had this insult concept in his stand-up routine. Louis C.K. or someone along those lines. He wanted to know what the bag of dicks looks like. Is it a ziploc bag of mushed up parts or is it a paper sack with them sticking up out the top like loaves of bread. Too funny.
    I agree with Kristen, wanker is one of my favorites. Waiting for it to be overly-common like douche or jag.

  25. Dude I ALWAYS tell ppl I’m goona bring a deck of cards to hell just to past the time… funny. But I think I’ll walk with Uno too! Uno in Hell, could you imagine?! Awesome!

  26. “Bag of dicks” is never an expression I have used, OR heard before . . . but it is AWESOME! I am going to try my hardest to use it in a sentence tomorrow . . . 🙂

  27. does this work as well if it comes from a girl?

    i need to know asap.

    thank you.

  28. Who can resist “shit for brains.” What can I say, I like the classics. It took me a longtime to warm to assclown.

  29. I will be adding that to my arsenal from now on. My mom is going to be so proud of me!

  30. whoa whoa whoa. i didn’t know this was a pro steelers blog!

    the steelers are a big bag of flaccid dicks.

    yes, flaccid.

  31. Rachel

    Personally, I love to call useless people fucktards–but bag of dicks is going straight through to the New and Improved insult section in my vocabulary.

    And about the Entenmann’s–that is manna from Heaven. I think you’ll be eating Kashi colon blow down there…

  32. megkathleen

    I’m with Alexa – I am quite disappointed that you like the Steelers. Very very upset. I almost punched a guy in the face once for saying he liked the Steelers – see? I feel very strongly about it.

  33. Mel

    Awesome! I am totally prepared now to enter the world of dating. I was completely over-using “douche” and needed a new tag.

  34. My favorite is “cunt waffle.”

  35. rs – Kind of like Tom Brady!

    rachel – Well – that was a huge fucking compliment – thanks! And yeah, sucks about George…

    kristen – I have noted your support.

    badger – I bet he thinks I stole this from him now. Well, fuck him. I didn’t. He stole it from me. Right?

    mental – Yes! I’d drop the Draw Three card on Satan all game long!

    paula – Sweet. Let me know how it goes.

    julie – Absolutely!

    melissa – Shit for brains is still very good.

    lissa – She should’ve never doubted you!

    alexa – Look. We can’t all be sorry Browns fans, can we?

    rachel – Yeah, you’re probably right.

    megkathleen – I would fight until the death for the Steelers!

    mel – Good! I’d like to hear updates, if possible.

    valerie – Yes! Though, now that I think about it, I kinda like the way it tastes, so maybe that’s not such an insult. Too much information?

  36. I prefer “you smell like taint” or “taint face” but bag of dicks is pretty good too.

  37. J

    one dick = okay.

    A BAG of dicks = a lot of sad guys somewhere.

  38. Someone already mentioned that Louis C.K. talks about this in his stand up special.

    So now I don’t have another comment. But I wanted to take up space on the page so here I am anyway.

  39. Matt

    Did you see when those skinheads busted his nose open?

    That was good television.

  40. Are these dicks soft or hard? Inquiring minds need to know.

  41. Bag of dicks, huh? Why not shorten it to “dickbag”?

  42. I pretty much just call people assball and get on with it.

  43. I want my own personal bag of dicks. FUN!

    Also, I’m sorry but Bill Cowher is a bag of dicks.

  44. I’m not letting go of “douche”. You can’t make me.

  45. “bag of dicks” sounds an awful lot like “bag of tricks”, and i’m imagining all of the bag-of-tricks scenarios replaced with bag-of-dicks.

    Felix the Cat,
    The wonderful, wonderful cat!
    Whenever he gets in a fix,
    He reaches into his …

  46. bag of dicks? that is pretty awesome. i’m always one for making up insults as well. one of my bests is cockshitter. that one is a stunner.

  47. Geraldo the moustache wearing “reporter” or Gerardo, co-star of Can’t Buy Me Love and 80’s one-hit wonder?? Either one is good.

  48. Bag of dicks? Dude that is fucking hilarious. I need to use that in my everyday talk. I’ll credit you when I call someone that.

  49. tiedtogetherwithasmile

    Awesome. This is absolutely my new favorite saying!

  50. tia

    can you hit someone with a bag of dicks? i mean, like a sock full of quarters or something?

    then it would be a weapon/insult. i like things that have more than one purpose. like when i use my fork to poke people.

  51. how about dick shit? it’s right up there with bag o’ dicks I think.

  52. maxie – Oh man! Taint face is bad!

    j – Exactly.

    hollywood – I always appreciate you stopping by.

    matt – Yes! Dude has been in mad fights.

    douchegirl – I’d say soft.

    big time – You’re so efficient!

    jen – Yes, I like that one too!

    yourgirlfriend – At least Cowher didn’t have to cheat to win his ring.

    mindy – I can and I will!

    nico – Hahaha – nice!

    katelin – That’s a good one! I like it.

    felicia – Yeah, either one would work.

    jessica – Thanks! But credit mason, he is who I got it from.

    tiedtogether – Glad I could help.

    tia – Yes, of course you can hit someone with it.

    erikka – I think that’s on the same level, yes.

  53. Oh come on! Everyone does it. Our guys were just stupid enough to get caught.

  54. GlitterGirl

    I tend to favor the simple term, “jackass,” because some people are not worthy of a more clever insult. I want to let them know how apathetic I am about them and their opinions while I insult them at the same time:

    Hey, jackass, pipe down. We’re trying to drink over here.

  55. I was reading a “blog of note” today and the author mentioned a “taintsack”. That, I think might be a good insult too, but I’m waiting to hear back on the exact definition.

    I do like “dickmuncher”, “twatnose”, and
    “fuckbucket” as ultimate insults, though “bag of dicks” is rather satisfying.

    Thank you for the suggestion.

  56. PS: I like “wanker” so much, I actually use it in a tagline on my blog …

  57. aaahh…..I love this insult. Will use immediately.

  58. This may have already been asked but are the dicks hard or soft?

    If they are hard I assume they would be a gay bag of dicks which would take the insult up another level.

    Not that there is anything wrong with a gay bag of dicks mind you…

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