I’m a big fan of making fun of people.
It’s one of the main reasons that, if Hell does exist, you’ll eventually find me there playing cards with Fab and Rob from Milli Vanilli while trying to keep Geraldo from stealing my last Entenmann’s danish.
It’s really a fun thing to do, so I am always in search of new and exciting ways to put people down in order to feel better about myself.
One of the best insults that I’ve ever heard comes from my good friend Mason, who would hurl it at an unsuspecting person with the greatest of ease.
Whenever Mason was drinking A Couple Cool Ones and someone made him upset, you heard it:
“That dude is such a bag of dicks!”
A bag of dicks.
Think about that for a minute.
I don’t want to be one dick, let alone an entire bag of them.
It’s like telling someone that they are upsetting you in so many ways that you can’t even describe each one, so you just have to lump them all together in one huge Bag Of Upsetness.
Whenever someone would hear Mason tell them that they were, unfortunately, a bag of dicks, they would always have a stunned expression.
They could not understand what it meant to be a bag of dicks, and because of that, Mason and I would enjoy a good laugh before deciding it was time to Drink More and maybe talk about how awesome the Steelers are.
Not to mention the fact that I imagine a bag of dicks would not be that pleasant to look at. You know, because they’d be all mushed up in there and all that.
And most certainly forget “douche” and any form of it, because that is the most overplayed insult there is.
Next time you want to really make fun of someone, call them a bag of dicks and let the fun ensue.
Just be ready for an eternity of damnation and Geraldo telling you, “I swear, I’ll buy you another box!”
Trust me, he won’t.