hold that thought

I had a really weird dream last night.

But you don’t want to hear about it, do you?

No.

Of course you don’t.

Because hearing or reading about someone else’s dreams is absolute torture.

When people begin their sentences with “I had this crazy dream last night…”  I immediately check out of the conversation.  I don’t fucking care that you “dreamed that my friend was a lizard and he couldn’t recognize me, which is weird because we’re so close.”

And no, I don’t have a clue what it means.  Maybe it just meant that you were going to annoy the fuck out of some unlucky soul the next day by telling them about it.

Dreams are personal things.

No one can quite grasp how odd it is to dream about your Uncle Jeff weaving a blanket while watching Mama’s Family other than you.

For all I know Jeff might be quite the fucking blanket maker.  If he is, tell him to mail me one.  But it better not be all scratchy.  Blankets are supposed to be soft, goddammit.

The worst part about having someone tell you about their dream is when they forget some parts of it, and try and remember them because it is just so imperative to the dream.

When you hear someone stall about the dream, you immediately think you’re in the clear.  You try and start a new conversation: “Okay, now we can start talking about interesting stuff.  I feel uncomfortable saying it, but sometimes I tear up when I listen to ‘Not Ready To Make Nice‘ by the Dixie Chicks.”

But just when you get this new conversation starter out of your mouth, the person resumes the dream, because they somehow think that you can’t possibly go on with your day without knowing what happens at the end.

I just don’t understand why people think it’s okay to tell others about their dreams.

It’s not.

Unless it involves Eva Mendes, Beyonce and Gabrielle Union engaging in Something Inappropriate.

Then please, I’m all ears.

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60 Comments

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60 responses to “hold that thought

  1. Okay, just needed to pee on the fire hydrants, as it were. I totally check out when people tell me about their dreams. I check out their ASS.

    I’m acting out right now.

  2. JK

    You really wanted to tell us your dream, didn’t you?

  3. You must not be a regular dreamer, then….because I ALWAYS have weird dreams, and often share what I can remember of them with EVERYONE.

    You are so funny, and I’m such a loyal reader, but somehow, I figure you wouldn’t like me in real life.

    You’d smile and tolerate me because I AM a fan after all, but then you’d secretly blog about me and the fact I’m annoying, and I wouldn’t catch on that it’s ME you are blogging about and I’d probably laugh my ass off!!

    It’s weird how things come back around, isn’t it?

  4. Wait! Are you telling me all the times I’ve told my man about my dreams he is actually comatose behind those seemingly attentive eyes?!?@#@ Noooooooo!

  5. I prefer to dream about Christian Bale in his Batman outfit. Yeah, I know, that wouldn’t really work for you.

  6. My blog post from this morning totally mentions my dream from last night, YOU BASTARD. Just kidding. You can feel free to skim that part.

  7. I don’t even care that you are a dream-hater–I ALWAYS tell people about my dreams. I have really weird things happen in them (like that one dream when…no no…I need to make a point here). Plus, they are mostly about people that I know and people always like to hear about themselves.

    That’s the loophole.

  8. I only tell my mom my dreams because I don’t care if I bore her to tears. She has to listen to me.

  9. Wait!

    I had a dream where I wrote this great comment and then I clicked submit and then it disappeared!!!

    WTF???

    It’s the weirdest thing.

  10. Fuck it. I’m not re-typing it.

    Suffice it to say that I totally hate it when people try to tell me about their dreams. I never do that to anyone unless the dream involves them and they were doing something interesting.

    Other than that?

    WHY BORE THE PISS OUT OF SOMEONE?

  11. i tell people about my dreams. i don’t care if they don’t give a damn. if they’re going to stand there they’re going to hear it. people should know by now that i’m going to tell them about my dream, if they know any of the people that were in it.
    i have really bizarre dreams pretty much every other night… wanna hear about ’em?

  12. I don’t exactly dream as much as I do things in my sleep….like trying to make out with my cat.

    The doctor says the scars should heal quickly.

  13. I like to know what people are dreaming when they’re talking in their sleep. I mean, it’s got to be crazy enough that it makes them talk out loud.

    Or I try to talk to them when they’re sleep talking. I always think I’ll be able to uncover some crazy secret like they’ve always wished they were the opposite sex or something.

  14. See, I really don’t get the Eva Mendez thing. Please don’t kill me.

    Christian Bale on the other hand…

  15. I had a dream about Eva Mendes, Beyonce and Gabrielle Union doing something inappropriate: they were telling me about their dreams. It was fucking boring.

  16. wishmewell

    its like dennis from Its Always Sunny says

    dreams are like pictures, if i’m not in them and no one is naked, i don’t care

  17. I feel the exact same way. Why is it that we feel the need to tell others our dreams? I am guilty of it because I told someone about my dream yesterday. It’s a LITTLE different when it’s someone you KNOW and it involves OTHER people you know, but I don’t want to read it on a blog. WHO CARES??

  18. confession – i too sometimes tear up at that dixie chicks song. those girls can sing!

  19. You only have to smile and nod if you’re waking up with the teller. Otherwise, a bag of dicks.

    But I did want to tell you, I had this dream last night, where me and Fredo Corleone…

  20. I just teared up when you mentioned that Dixie Chicks song…but for an entirely different, more disappointed in you reason.

  21. melissa – Yes. Yes you are. But that’s okay.

    jk – Yes!

    shelly – But if you laughed, and you had no idea it was you, then it’d be cool – right?

    erikka – He also doesn’t like it when you watch The Hills. !!!

    marie – Well, that depends. Would we be hanging out and drinking beers and making all my friends jealous? I’d be down for that.

    arielle – And I will.

    stealth – You’re smarter than me.

    maxie – That’s a good plan.

    jamie – Yes! Oh yes, yes, yes.

    kristen – Sorry – it got caught in my spam for some reason. I will have a talk with my blog about its behavior.

    jenny – Nope!

    rachel – I bet there’s porn out there somewhere exactly like that.

    twink – Talking to people when they’re talking in their sleep is fucking creepy, right? I get freaked out by it.

    lauren – Not Eva???? What??? She’s gonna be pissed.

    fort – Damn dude, that sucks.

    wishme – Well said.

    valerie – Exactly.

    alexa – Yes! I know, that song is awesome. I don’t care! Ari introduced me to it and I love it. Do you hear me internet??? I love that song!!!

    jessica – Hahaha – right. That’s a good rule of thumb.

    kiala – Hahaha – you ass.

  22. Matt

    I like hot chicks.

    So I want to think you for adding links to this post.

    except not so much for the Dixie Chicks link…

    I didn’t like that one.

  23. Rachel

    Okay, so every time I have told Kristen my crazy dreams I think she has now hated me secretly…

    but maybe it doesn’t count because it’s usually when we’re drinking a glass (or 4) of wine…

    and I love that you mentioned Mama’s Family so randomly.

  24. My dreams are usually Wildly Inappropriate…

    … but I share them with the people who star in them.

    Remind me to tell you sometime… 😉

  25. I also zone out when people say, “I got tagged for a meme” or “FIRST!”

  26. deutlich

    Uhm. THANK YOU.

    I loathe listening to people’s account of their dreams.

  27. This one time I had a dream of a robot made of gold and tree-bark, sending out signals of goodness through one of its antennas and evil through the other, while riding a unicorn across the Caribbean Sea on a honey dipped rainbow made of elf tears, searching for….

    Oh shit… I’m sorry… I’m done now!

  28. I had a dream Eva and Beyonce were trying to track down my blogger friend from New York as they loved the witty banter he has on his blog. Then I woke up and was relieved as they were still in bed with me.

  29. What about dreams about other dreams?

    I had this dream that I was in a dream….

    I had this dream you didn’t shut the hell up!

  30. megkathleen

    You tear up at the Dixie Chicks too! So do I! Do you want to join my club? It’s called The Dixie Chicks make me cry Club.

  31. megkathleen

    If you want to join you have to send me $10. Or a pack of cigarettes.

  32. so i had this really weird dream… that a guinea pig was gnawing off my foot this morning… and i don’t care if you wanted to hear that or not

  33. Talking about your dream is like talking about your fantasy team: the only person who cares is you.

    That said, my fantasy teams are kicking ass.

    Unlike any of my dreams.

  34. I always glaze over when this happens to me. The story teller eventually just goes, “Do you even care?”

    “No. I really don’t.”

    Eva Mendes’s Italian Vogue shoot made me nervous…

  35. Now I’m seeing you during the MLK speech telling him to shut the fuck up the first time he says “I have a dream…”

  36. matt – Just ignore the Dixie’s and focus on Eva.

    rachel – Anything done when drunk doesn’t count. Don’t tell Ari I said that.

    jen – Hahaha – You hussy!

    noelle – Man, I don’t know what the deal with those meme’s – but everyone I know doesn’t like them.

    deutlich – Just point them to this post next time.

    mental – Elf tears are sad. 😦

    meghan – Now I’m even sadder than hearing about elf tears.

    rs – I think that’s the appropriate reply.

    megkathleen – Done and done. Can we make t-shirts?

    julie – Yuck.

    arjewtino – Hahaha – exactly. I hate when dudes bring up their teams to me. Especially when my teams suck.

    your girlfriend – I thought it was a clever use of contrasting, ah who am I kidding, I liked it cause she was topless.

    justin – I would’ve been like, “Boooorring!”

  37. i clink my proverbial pint to yours, because i’ve got a friend that bores me to tears with her dreams stories, and now thanks to you i have a permalink to give her to get her to shut the hell up.

    awesome sauce.

  38. i tell friends my dreams sometimes, but only because they’re so cracked out most of the time. but i’ll make sure to refrain from sharing them with you 🙂

  39. Hmmm, i disagree. I had a dream about shagging a male friend of mine and his girlfriend walked in and i hid at the side of the bed and she didn’t see even though she was standing next to me . . . and half my office thought it was funny and my male friend was mortified. i had to point out it was just a dream and we hadn’t actually did it. . .

  40. tia

    is this your not so subtle way of telling me that you didn’t enjoy hearing about my american idol dream? hmmm???

  41. Goose (Commenter formerly known as Boo on another blog)

    Try looking up dream interpretations on the internet. You won’t be happy with what you find…so…let’s just leave them as dreams and pray we never see the scary crap we saw the night before. And if you’re telling me about a dream, it better completely derail at some point. If I have to sit there and listen to it, I better have the chance to think you are completely retarded or bat shit crazy by the end of your story. Just sayin’…

  42. JT

    But doesn’t it want you to dream about giving it to the chubby chick. I’d bet that would make her “ready to make nice.”

  43. Pingback: My mom is an Internet detective «

  44. tiedtogetherwithasmile

    Oops, I’m one of those people who always has crazy dreams and always shares them. Sorry, I’m done now, promise! BTW this was hilarious!

  45. ifiweretina

    Two of my closest friends always insist on telling me about their dreams as they are excitingly assuming that I actually want to hear. I don’t.

    Why do I attract friends like this?

  46. Yeah I don’t talk about my dreams, unless it’s a sex dream involving John Krasinski (I need a moment………) okay.

  47. Ugh.
    I couldn’t agree more.

    Minus the whole Eva Mendes,
    Beyonce, Gabrielle Union
    thing.

    But other than that…exactly.
    Hearing about what people
    were dreaming about in their
    bed is just simply boring.
    And pointless.

  48. Really, are you REALLY sure you don’t want to hear about my dreams?
    Positive?
    BECAUSE SOME OF THEM ARE INTERESTING. (Especially that one that I had that was EXACTLY THE SAME as the dream my cousin had. We are like SOOO connected.)

  49. Hahahaha. Amen I’d say.
    Although I have one friend of mine who actually LOVES to hear about dreams so she can “analyze” them so I always end up telling her my dreams.

    Plus I used to sleepwalk, so that makes for interesting stories.

  50. You know the only time I tell people about my dreams is when it involves them…and only if I remember EVERY detail, but if I only remember half a dream — it’s pretty pointless to share.

    Besides my dreams are usually super crazy and I’d prefer not to have my friends look at me even crazier than they do on a regular basis.

  51. wow, you hit the nail right on my head.

    yes, MY head.

    add to the list of things i dont want to hear about…

    “guess what happened to me today….”
    “oh man, You’ll never believe…”
    “I heard on the news…”
    “i have an opinion on…”

    or anything else that starts a conversation. because i dont like talking to people that dont want to talk about me.

  52. I dream almost every single night, but I don’t tell people about my dreams because I figure anyone who hears my baby-killing, people-burning dreams is gonna think I’m subconsciously psychotic…

  53. nico – Thanks! I think she’ll understand after reading this. Or maybe never talk to you again.

    katelin – Hahaha – why thank you.

    paula – Sure you didn’t…

    tia – No, not that!

    goose – Agreed. If it makes me think you might murder me, that’d be kinda cool.

    jt – That’s very true.

    tiedtogether – Hey, as long as it’s not me! And thanks!

    ifiwere – Hmmm… I don’t know. Email me and we will discuss. I do charge a fee of three candy bars a session though.

    jessica – Him? Really??? I don’t know, I mean, I bet he’d be all shy and nervous in bed. Maybe even talk to the camera.

    amanda – Right!

    girl – Hahaha – Uh, yes. I’m sure.

    pink – Oh yes, sleep walking is funny as hell.

    lboogie – Exactly.

    every gym – A woman after my own heart.

    kali – Oh damn! Baby killing and people burning? Okay, I’m kind of interested…

  54. Mama’s Family? Thank God someone else remembers that godawful show. It made me wish I could be on set to punch everyone involved.

    They wouldn’t even have fought back, because they would have known and understood.

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