forcing the issue

I’m making the switch from boxers to boxer briefs (I realize that I should have done this years ago, but I am a Slow Learner) and yesterday I went to go buy some more.

I selected some that I thought would make me look Sexy As Hell and went to stand on line to pay for them.

While standing there and thinking that the models on my chosen boxes must be the most boring dudes on Earth, because in order to look like that they must never drink and maybe say things like, “No thanks, ice cream is just not part of my diet,” I noticed that some of the boxer briefs did not have an opening in the front of them.

I was shocked.

Why would anyone make boxer briefs without the hole in the front?  They essentially made a new product less desirable – kind of like how Super Mario Bros. 2 was far inferior to the original.

When it was my turn to pay, I broached this Important Discovery with the cashier; an elderly man with a moustache that would make Tom Selleck jealous.

Me: [Holding up a box to show him] “Did you know they make these without a hole in the front???”

Old Cashier Dude: [Caught off guard by the zeal in my question] “Um, excuse me sir?”

Me: [Shaking the box wildly] “These.  I almost bought these, but they don’t have a hole in the front.  Why would anyone want boxer briefs without a hole in the front?”

Old Cashier Dude: “Oh, sorry, so you don’t want to buy these then.”

Me: “No.  Just these ones that have the hole in the front.”  

[He is ringing me up, and I am just dying to know what he thinks of the situation]

Me: “I mean, they’re making it harder for you!  Do you want more work?  I certainly don’t.  I just don’t understand this.”

Old Cashier Dude: [Obviously uncomfortable with the subject at hand] “Right, well, I’m not sure sir.”

After that I gave up.

He clearly did not want to talk with a stranger about underwear that day, and I guess I can’t blame him.

But I’m telling you, next time I go to buy some more, I’m going back to that Macy’s and I’m going to get some sort of opinion out of that guy.

There is no way he can’t have a strong reaction to this, these are things that must be talked about!

He is going to talk underwear with another adult male and he is going to like it. 


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64 responses to “forcing the issue

  1. Goose


    But seriously…I must say I’ve tried boxer briefs and have only found them to be the devil…

  2. Why would they do that? I’ll tell you why!

    What brand were they and where can I get some? That is my style of undies.

  3. deutlich

    He’s a total loser for not talking about the hole in the boxer briefs. Seriously. That’s a news-worthy story right there and how lame is he for not having an opinion?

    Also? I’m thinking it’s wicked lame that people keep yelling FIRST! in your comments. Because, hello? Who cares?

  4. Yeah I am all about boxers and spend the entire day picking wedges when I wear boxer briefs. I didn’t realize boxers were uncool – and I am fine with being uncool if they are.

    I have also fell victim to the no-hole thing. I didn’t realize until I was already posted up at a urinal and felt like George Michael with all the crazy finagling going on in the men’s room.

  5. Boxer briefs are not the devil. All the women I’ve talked to about this (and yes, there have been many discussions about this important issue) prefer boxer briefs. They’re just sexy.

    And while I’m not familiar enough with the advantage of having a hole in the front, I fully support your efforts to engage that old man and make the situation as awkward and uncomfortable for him as possible.

  6. JK

    Boxer Briefs are sexy! but I can see how having no hole in the front would be a problem for men. I’m pretty sure they make them with the hole in the front though.

    You just might need to go with Hanes brand. Michael Jordan and Cuba Gooding Jr. are not men who would live sans hole.

  7. I think it should definitely be your goal to get this old chap to discuss these (very important) topics at hand.

    I’m a fan of boxer briefs on the appropriate bod. Perhaps this older gent just doesn’t wear them (and shouldn’t), therefore didn’t know what to say? But, he should have some feedback for you- it is his role as a customer service associate and all.

  8. Yeah, I’m torn on the boxers v. boxer briefs thing… I always prefered boxers on my men, but my boyfriend is a boxer briefs guy. I’m adjusting… They’re kinda sexy on him. 😉

    The no hole thing? I assumed that was a sports thing. Maybe cause I only saw them with no holes when they were being sold as the athletic version… can’t remember

  9. muwahaha
    boxer briefs = one step closer to Briefs
    you know you want to put them on!

  10. good move making the switch. almost any pair of boxer briefs can make a guy look Sexy As Hell. Unless you’re the most unattractive man alive. Then you’d need more than a pair of boxer briefs to help you out.

  11. No hole = better. Boxer briefs are uncomfortable enough, you don’t need things sneaking out the hole and getting caught.

  12. Rachel

    I think that guy goes commando and just didn’t know what to say without giving away his secret.

  13. Marcos

    Boxer briefs suck! They always ride up my legs if I do anything remotely active such as going up stairs.

    I need the freedom of the original boxer. I buy the ones with buttons and then never button them so that it takes minimal effort to whip it out for the occasional stranger.

    Yeah, ladies like the boxer briefs but you gotta do what feels right for you and your little man.

  14. Maybe he goes commando all the time? Might be why he has no opinion.

  15. Goose

    Wow…reason to get angry for not talking about a hole? Since you asked: I don’t normally use it. Even if it is easy there’s just too much that can go awry by using holes around zippers…

  16. Ok, I just saw Rachel made the same comment. You should just ask him straight out if he is anti-boxers/briefs/undies/panties or what have you.

  17. Good luck with that.

    I can never get a cashier to interact with me no matter how hard I try.

    It’s like they’re not human.

    It’s creepy.

  18. I’m going to Macy’s today on my lunch break. I’ll stop by the underwear section, find the ones you’re talking about, and ask the cashier for his opinion. I’ll report back.

    This matter is too important to give up on.

  19. I like my underwear to have a hole in them too.

    I’m still acting out from yesterday’s trauma. I’m sorry.

    I’m not a stripper. Or a street walker. Much.

  20. Matt

    Old men with mustaches are illusive…this may take patience grasshopper.

  21. My hubby doesn’t use the hole, either….I don’t think. I think he flops it out the top—I’m not positive since I haven’t been terribly interested in his peeing habits for oh…..the last 23 years (when we were dating it was CUTE to try to witness all his activities of daily living……….look at the pee pee!!).

    He wears boxers, briefs and boxer briefs (not at the same time, however). He’s not partial, neither am I.

  22. What’s even less work than a hole in the front?

    Going commando.

    And it’s fun for everyone!

  23. I can’t fucking believe you think Super Mario Bros. 2 is inferior to the first one. It’s clearly superior! You’re unAmerican!

  24. I concur wholeheartedly… Super Mario Bros. 2 was far inferior to the original. Uprooting crap from the ground to fling at enemies was a stooopid idea. And I’m sorry, but playing as the princess character was just lame.

    Oh, and it’s about time you switched to boxer briefs dude. I made that switch a looong time ago… couldn’t handle my junk flopping around all the time. TMI? Sorry

  25. I don’t get it. Why not include the hole? That doesn’t make sense. And I whole-heartedly agree with Deutlich about the “first.” When did this turn into Perez?

  26. goose – No way!

    fort – That’s right! Calvin Klein Steel man, have a blast.

    deutlich – Right. A total loser. I bet he hates himself and beats his wife.

    narm – Feeling like GM in the men’s room is not usually a good thing.

    jenn – Yes, this is what I hear. And I thank you for your support.

    jk – Yeah, I did get some with a hole. And no thanks on Hanes – I will not buy those simply because I hate that commercial.

    brookem – Yes! A little something, c’mon!

    sassy – Yes, see – sexy is good.

    jenny – Never!!!!!

    erikka – Right. That poor guy…

    justin – I find that things snuck out far more when I wore boxers.

    rachel – I bet you’re right!

    marcos – I like the feel of boxer briefs better though, honestly.

    marie – Yes – he seemed pretty cool.

    kristen – Very creepy.

    arjewtino – Hell yes!

    melissa – Well who am I to judge?

    matt – True words my friend, thank you.

    shelly – Wow – he swings between all three? You liked that pun, didn’t you???

    your girlfriend – Yeah, I am a fan of commando when it’s really hot, but other than that, I need my soldier to be supported in some fashion.

    john – I don’t think so man – I never liked the whole squatting to jump higher stuff and all the other gimmicks of 2.

    mental – Right. And yes, I am way late on this switch.

    freeandflawed – I didn’t know they do that on Perez, but do you think I can now have my own VH1 show?

  27. I only buy underwear with holes to my junk too.

  28. I still can’t get over the fact that people are going all perez hilton on you and doing “first.” You’re basically a superstar– why don’t you have your own reality show yet?

    And as for boxer briefs– american eagle has the best ones yet because they come in festive prints and neon colors. They are pimp.

  29. Boxer briefs are sooooo sexy. And the hole is a necessity… for easier access, ya know? (And I’m not just talking about for peeing…)

    I hope that dude at the underwear counter tells you about a dream he had. Then you two will probably be even.

  30. Dude, are you kidding? I’ll tell you why those underpants kick ass:

    What brand were they? Where can I get some?

  31. I don’t know about this. I mean what are the holes for, just so we know the front from the back?
    And you cant say “for peeing.” I mean you’re saving only a 2 inches of boxer movement to get over the top.
    I could live without holes.

  32. You’re so right about the Mario biz.

    I cannot, in any way, relate to the underwear conundrum. Not having the hole seems like it would result in having to do almost as much work as a girl.

  33. tia

    boxer briefs are hot. all guys should wear them.

    that’s it. end. i have spoken.

  34. Ben

    Another post to get us thinking about your goodie basket? I’d scold you but there are 30+ comments telling me otherwise.

  35. Do you guys actually use the hole?

    The mechanics of fishing it through there always seemed like more trouble than it was worth…

  36. im with notsojenny. you are getting close to briefs chris

    boxer briefs are hot!

    the “hole” though kinda scares me. do guys miss a lot?

  37. Psh, he is very uncool. Who wouldn’t want to talk about underwear in the middle of the store?

  38. Real cool how your blog makes my first comment disappear – so then I write it again way later and look like a fucking retard. I don’t need your help, all right? I look like a retard enough as it is.

  39. Old people are no good at everything.

  40. Why don’t you just pull down your underwear like a real woman?

    Also, I really liked Super Mario 2. I always played as the Princess, because she could almost fly. Evidently I’m on a real girl-power kick right now.

  41. Oh, this happened to Dane and I swear to God he was so confused it took him 30 minutes to work out what he had to do in order to pee.

  42. megkathleen

    That old man is probably already traumatized by the conversation. I hope you don’t cause a heart attack when you go back and force an opinion out of him.

  43. So glad you joined the boxer briefs club! It really is better. Just be sure you stick to 100% cotton.

  44. mindy – I knew I could count on you.

    maxie – I know! Hello??? I am Important!

    jen – Yes, I agree, gives the woman less time to change her mind.

    fort – Yeah – I saw it in my spam and changed it over – sorry about that man!

    robbie – You’re insane. That 2 inches is too much for me.

    rachel – Right! And if I wanted to be a woman, I’d have surgery, not but underwear without a hole.

    tia – Sweet, I have made the right choice.

    ben – I’m thinking of starting a blog entirely dedicated to my groin area.

    jessica – Oh yes! It’s one swift, fluid motion.

    alexa – Sometimes when we’re drunk.

    lauren – I know!

    rs – Damn right.

    noelle – But what good is almost flying? That’s like almost having pizza – not good at all.

    kiala – I’m glad I avoided that fate.

    megkathleen – Maybe it’d put him out of his misery.

    phil – Thanks for the tip – I will make sure I do.

  45. The old boxer briefs. I love the idea of them, but in reality, they kinda suck. You’re better going with tighty whiteys or boxers. Good luck.

  46. I just got back from Macy’s and I have a full report, though it may not answer your questions.

    I walked into the Macy’s near my work and was greeted with the wafting smell of pot. Yes, marijuana. I decided against hanging out and getting high because I had a mission to complete.

    I walked to the men’s underwear section, grabbed a box that did not feature your standard hole, and went to find a cashier.

    Of course, this being Macy’s, this proved more difficult than you’d think. I found one but it was a really pretty girl and I didn’t want to talk about underwear style choices with someone so intimidating.

    I was about to leave when I spotted a male employee, mid-20s. I walked up to him and asked:

    “Do you know why there’s no hole in this underwear?”

    “Hole?” he asked.

    “Yeah, there’s no trap for your, you know…”

    “Oh, I don’t know, maybe it’s the style.”

    “But there seems to be many of them like this. Is this the new popular thing now?”

    “I guess so.”

    “They look like they’ve been designed by women. What do you think?”

    He looked at me for a few seconds, probably wondering if I worked undercover for Gallup, and finally said:

    “We have many more choices with holes.”

    I said thanks anyway and left, but not without first walking by the pot smell again.

    That should be Macy’s new slogan: “More choices with holes.”

  47. No hole in the front? Are you sure you weren’t buying ladies underpants? 🙂

  48. I think most likely he was a eunuch and couldn’t really relate to the conversation.

    P.S. since you have so many Rachel fans I shall now change my name to R Diddy….wait, now I’m just Diddy…maybe just R…ah screw it, I’m just going with the blog name.

  49. Becky

    I have to agree about Mario 2 so inferior to Mario 1, however, being able to play the Princess was its only saving grace….I mean, c’mon….she can FLY! Also, Mario 3 was way better than 1 or 2. I would pick it any day.

  50. boxer briefs with no hole? yeah that makes absolutely no sense. i’m surprised the cashier didn’t stand on top of the counter right there to start a revolution against the no hole briefs with you 🙂

  51. Commando still wins this battle overall.

  52. And THAT is the difference between men and women (besides the obvious). Women are ALWAYS willing to talk about underwear.

  53. cherry – I don’t know man, I like them!

    arjewtino – Awesome! Good job man. And yes, I agree about the new tagline.

    twink – They do have bows on them…

    mominreallife – It works for me. Although I do like R-Diddy.

    becky – Yes – Mario 3 was the best. You will find nothing but agreement on that from me.

    katelin – Me too! Stupid guy.

    dan – Yes, yes it does. Awesome movie too.

    big time – I like when women talk about underwear. I know, but I’m a man, what did you think I was going to say to that?

  54. WOW dude I didn’t even think of the movie reference but yes, great movie.

    If you’re pantless, can that be considered “Out For Justice”, like the Seagal flick?

  55. And I thought girls had issues when it came to buying skivvies….

  56. That’s strange, because I always want to get involved in lengthy conversations with strangers about my junk.

  57. ken

    i dodged the issue entirely by making the choice to go commando a few years ago, and i’ve never looked back.

    if you can’t abide freeballing, consider it like wearing underwear that is ALL hole.

  58. I’m shocked the guy spoke English and called you “sir”!

  59. That is hilarious. I can imagine the look on this guys face as you’re shaking the box. Yeah the no hole thing is kind of odd and inefficient?

  60. LJ

    Ha this is hilarious! But Boxer brief a definitely the way to go!

  61. dan – Yes! +9,456 for the Seagal reference. Well done.

    stealth – I am a teacher of knowledge.

    pistols – Well we need to hang out then. Did you catch that pun?

    ken – See, I enjoy commando, but only when it’s really hot out, otherwise my soldier needs some protection.

    todd – I know!

    jessica – Yeah, he was unsure what to make of me.

    lj – Thanks! Yes, I am confident in my decision.

  62. What the hell are boxer briefs??

  63. nicoleantoinette

    Boxer briefs are very sexy. Maybe even worth the extra work.

  64. Pingback: Wednesday miscellany IX « Parlez-vous moo?

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