scan this

Hey Chris’s Internets!

I’m Crissy, from Crissy’s Page.

Don’t let the name fool you.

I’m a very big deal.

I was going to write about how I can never find a pair of underwear that fits nicely, but that’s too girly of a subject because things can be sort of testosterone-y around these parts.

Speaking of testosterone, it smells like stale L’Homme with an undertone of balls over here, doesn’t it?

It’s distracting.

And what’s this huge black dildo doing here?  It can’t be Ari’s.  This thing would impale the poor girl.

Huh.

I can’t say I’m surprised.  I had my suspicions, what with his love for Madonna and his taste for expensive suits and his fussiness about how his t-shirts fit and his intense fear of moths and everything.

Right?

RIGHT???

Anyhooter, Chris likes to rant a lot and stuff, so that’s what I’m going to do too so you don’t miss him too much.

Here.  Pretend I’m him.

So I’m at the grocery store and I’ve got one of those self-scanner things where you scan your store card and you win a chance to carry a gun and do all the work yourself with your very own scanner and bag your very own groceries as you go.

This is supposed to make shopping Fast and Easy.

And it would be if the fucking things worked right.  Maybe it’s because my daughter is always hurling them out of the carriage.

I have no idea.

So I was having a particularly tough shopping trip with my three-year-old and just about everything meant to be convenient and easy was broken and fucky particularly the self-weigh produce scales and so I wound up weighing a lemon but taking a cantaloupe but so. what. It’s their fault for having shitty scales. And then the scanner gun thingy tells me its battery is dying and that I had to go get a new one so I did, but that meant I had to unpack all of my stuff and rescan everything.

I may or may not have gotten it all.

What?

I was pissed.

Don’t. Judge.

And my kid was all “let me out! I want to talk! LET. ME. OUT. OF. HERE!!!”

Whatthefuck.

So I finished my painful, painful, shopping with little miss screams a lot and I go to the self check out and I scan the thing and the card and the other thing and find my coupons which were buried in the bottom of one of my repacked bags and I scanned the first one and the fucking machine freezes.

Nothing.

Crickets.

So I press the help button and the light on the top of the self check out is blinking, blinking, blinking, helplessly away and clerks and cashiers are walking by and chewing their gum and picking their asses and I’m still standing there and the thing is still blinking and I’m wrestling a 27-pound octopus who is trying to score herself a bag of M&Ms and also trying to commit suicide by jumping out of the cart and

NOBODY IS COMING TO HELP ME.

So finally I have to shout and I don’t like to shout because I’m the Queen of Fucking Everything and The Queen should never have to shout.

But I did.  I shouted.

“EXCUSE ME! I’VE BEEN STANDING HERE FOR LIKE FIVE MINUTES NOW AND EVERYONE IS IGNORING ME.”

And finally some teenage girl schlubs over with her attitude and her blue hair extensions and her keys and gives the machine a hand job and then left me to complete my purchase without so much as an apology or a free bag of Cheetos.

The rest of the transaction went pretty okay but I was still irritated to shit and so I signed the credit card signature pad “Fuck You.”

Childish and immature?

Absolutely.

But it was satisfying Internet.

It felt good.

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41 Comments

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41 responses to “scan this

  1. Ben

    I lean. I’m a leaner. I lean all up on that scale’s face and it makes loud noises and people rush over to make sure I’m not breaking shit or stealing shit or taking a shit and it’s terrible.

    These are people the SHOULD be helping you before you replace the scan gun with a real gun and do some damage.

    ‘Cause let’s face it, I don’t deserve to die for leaning on a scale while you’re fighting the grocery war of the century.

  2. That picture scrambles my brain. I want to look at the tits, but the face keeps telling me something (I’m not sure what) is wrong and that tattoo makes me think I should be watching WWE with my bros and drinking a Bud. So confused. And my eyes still wander down…

  3. At first I thought it was Chris with a wig, then I saw the boobs. It’s freaking me out!

  4. Picture is awesome!

    You should have thrown cans and rotting salmonella tomatoes at the grocery people to get their attention.

  5. ken

    for some reason i find myself inextricably attracted to that picture of chris.

    i never thought i was gay, but now i’m having my doubts.

    i’m sure that if i put a paper bag over his head everything would be just fine.

    frankly i think you should get a DISCOUNT for using the self-checkout stuff. hell, THEY’RE saving money by not hiring a bunch of idiot kids to stand around and pick their asses… so where’s the incentive?!?

  6. Matt

    Chris would make a pretty hot chick. He should thin his eyebrows a bit but…

    not bad. Easily a 4 out of 10.

  7. We don’t have little scanner things on the west coast. And furthermore, you should have just walked out with the whole fucking cart of groceries. Not that I’ve ever stolen from the market. Today.

  8. I hate how the scanner computer lady is so loud and bossy. I find myself yelling “Don’t rush me bitch!” every time.

    *Prints out picture to post around Chicago*

  9. After that lovely pic of Chris I was distracted… couldn’t pay attention to the rest of the post… began having homo-erotic fantasies… Wait! What?! I didn’t just type that?

    *Pssssst… Chris… Call Me!*

  10. So the machine accepted your “fuck you” signature? Brilliant.

  11. Ashley

    i have never been more disturbed by an image in my entire life.

    that being said, nice tits. 😉

    also – that whole scan shit yourself thing is BS. how is that MORE helpful? the machine always breaks somehow and no one ever wants to help

  12. I learned from my dad to never sign my name on a receipt – always write something random or just scribble a big blot. It’s like telling the people at Jamba Juice your name is Rudolf: you think it’s hilarious, and they don’t know or care.

  13. He’s my date to the meetup tonight in Chicago. Its gonna be sexy.

  14. Wow. Never thought I’d want to motorboat a guy, but the day has come…

  15. HILARIOUS!

    Er, I mean, that sounds like a horrible trip to the grocery store, and soooooo frustrating.

    But, seriously, thanks for sharing it with us! Hee hee 🙂

  16. This might be the best guest blog post I have ever read.

    The line “gives the machine a hand job” has already become part of my lexicon.

  17. I wish I didn’t see that picture.

  18. I’m afraid of the U Scan, which is when you check out the groceries at the end, yourself.

    I just like it when other people do things for me, all the time.

    This is why I married Dane.

    Plus he has a huge penis.

  19. Ben- It is a total war in there, swear to Jesus.

    Mickey- How do you think I feel? It’s my picture but then it’s Chris and I think if I look at it any more I might need to make a quick call to my therapist.

    Free-It freaks me out too.

    Marie- I was like 20 seconds away from that.

    Ken- I know, right?

    Matt- Even with the tits that’s all you give him? You’re tough.

    Melissa- I always steal from the grocery store. It’s kind of a hobby.

    Mom- She’s a dumb bitch too isn’t she?

    Mentalthreesixty- I’ll have him call you.

    Ride- Yup.

    Ashley- Thanks!

    Fort Knocks- Ha, ha, ha, ha!!! Fake names are awesome.

    Dan- Do you think you can get that on video for us?

    Meghan- High five for the Wedding Crasher reference!

    Jen- I hate the grocery store. I’m glad you got some enjoyment out of my trauma because it just makes it all worth while.

    Arjewtino- Thanks. That’s really nice to say.

  20. rs27- I’m sorry.

    Kiala- Huge penises are important.

  21. This is a great guest post. I typically like those self checkouts but sometimes? Sometimes they can be the biggest pain.

  22. Oh my God…that picture.

  23. Rachel

    I’m never signing my real name again.

    By the way, last night I had to actually utter the sentence, “Thanks for everything Mr. Cockman, come again soon.”

    That was his real name J E Cockman.

    So there are worse things than self-checkout….

  24. You just made my day.

  25. megkathleen

    You should have just walked out with anything. It’s like they wanted you to steal it. They were obviously too lazy to stop you. Also, maybe Chris left the black dildo for you as a thank you gift.

  26. Those things have never been faster. But at least once a month I become convinced they must be, and I try them again, only to fail.

    Disturbingly good job on the photoshop, btw.

  27. Matt

    Well I was going to give him a 5 but he looks like he has Jay Leno’s chin in that picture…

  28. sillygrrl

    i’m going to try to use ‘fucky’ in a conversation tonight. i might try to throw the hand job reference in too.

  29. Lauren- So you’ve had it go smoothly? Wow. I didn’t know it was possible.

    Thatnight- Yes. He’s a sexy bitch isn’t he?

    Rachel- Ha, ha, ha, ha!!!!

    Beth- And you just made mine.

    Megkathleen- Don’t do that. You know it’s his.

    Noelle- That’s exactly what keeps happening to me. I think they’ve improved somehow and then no.

    Matt- Well, here’s to you for looking past the boobs and into the face. You are an evolved man. Good for you!

    sillygrrl- Fucky is a tough one, but good luck and let me know how it turns out!

  30. I always find these self-scan things are never as simple as they look. So much easier just to queue and get the people employed to do it to do the job for you. Or buy online – which is even easier and means you only have to move to answer the door. Result!

  31. JK

    I hate those stupid machines. They never work right and then you have to bag your own stuff and if you don’t bag it fast enough the machine freezes until you clear the belt or something ridiculous like that.

  32. deutlich

    Uhm. That is quite possibly the best picture I’ve ever seen in my life.

    I’ll have to re-read & properly comment later. Still in ChiTown.

  33. I. Love. That. Picture!

    I have seen these self-scan things at Home Depot and I have wondered who used them when perfectly rude people get paid to do all that work for me.

    From now on, I am going to sign ever single credit card receipt “Fuck You.” That is just genius.

  34. Those machines are fake. They don’t do anything. They specifically installed them so the clerks could make fun of us while we stand there yelling at a soulless machine “BUT I ALREADY DID PUT MY ITEM IN THE BAG!!!”

  35. You have really good ideas. First veggie lasagna, then pb&j, and now signing your name as “FUCK YOU” when you’re angry at a store.

    I seriously love you woman.

  36. DDG

    Okay, Crissy:

    You are awesome.

    In fact, you are so awesome that I voluntarily give up my self-claimed title of Queen of Everything.
    And believe me, I fought over this title. Complete wars have been fought over my self-claimed title.

    But now, I give it to you. Out of free will, because of your awesomeness. I’ll just be a duchesse or something.

    Because you..you ARE the Queen of Everything.

    *bookmarks Crissy’s page.

  37. Nat

    The picture of Chris reeeeaaallly makes me want to sing this:

    “If you want my body and you think I’m sexy
    come on sugar let me know.
    If you really need me just reach out and touch me
    come on honey tell me so.
    Tell me so, baby”

    or the better option would be to have Chris post a video of himself singing this song in that getup.

  38. Loves it.
    You need to come help me increase my attitude on my next flight.
    United needs some more Fuck Yous.

    PS. Making profanities into adjectives? I also love it.

  39. Ok, your boobs are bigger than mine. =(

  40. That picture is insane! I love it though.

    I always screw up those self-checkout things too. I always forget to put my shit in bag. Then I put my purse on the scale and it wants me to pay for it.

    not good.

  41. I love her.

    Hilarious.

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