esp and me

If I had my way I’d hang out with Miss Cleo at least once a month.

We’d be good friends, the kind that get together and talk and talk.

She’d come and visit and she’d read my fortune and maybe tell me about why Christian Bale won’t reply to my emails.  I mean, all I ask is that he sends me one damn email for all the hundreds I’ve sent saying how awesome he is.  He can forget about me sending more chocolates to his house until he does, that’s for sure.

Big C (we’d be tight, so I could totally call her that) and I would talk trash about other psychics and drink whiskey and then I’d get her to do my favorite line from one of her ads, where a man has called in asking if his wife’s baby is really his or some other dudes, and she cuts him off mid-sentence by proclaiming, “That is not your baby!”

Fucking awesome.

After that I’d get her to give me the scoop on everything I’ve ever wondered about, like why my feet are always so hot and whether NASA is really Doing Things In Space or just wasting a bunch of money on cool looking toys like I suspect.

Then I’d get her to guess what number I was thinking about for at least an hour and a half because how fun would that be?

And when it was time for her to leave, I’d walk her to the train, and we’d exchange pleasantries along the way.

I wouldn’t have to say much because she’d already be answering my questions before I asked them:


“No, but sometimes I forget to wash behind my knees.”

“More green.”

“Because they thought spelling it ‘Cap’n’ instead of ‘Captain’ is more fun.”

It’d be a great way to spend a Saturday afternoon.

Just Big C and I, kicking it like only we can.

Her using her mystical abilities to shine light on the World’s Mysteries and me silently stewing over the newly discovered notion that somehow Christian Bale does not like my blog.


(Okay everybody – new links are up on the Okay Playa! page, so please go check them out and show those bloggers some love – they all deserve it.  Also, thanks again to Crissy for guest posting on Friday and providing a picture that both disturbed me and made me want to make out with myself.)


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40 responses to “esp and me

  1. Let me know what she says about hot feet. I have the same problem. At least it is a dry heat though.

  2. Christian Bale does too like your blog.

    He’s just intimidated by you.

  3. Boys with tits freak him out.

  4. Ben

    “Big C” sounds nasty.

  5. I think a real conversation with her would be her jumping at every noise;

    “Was that the IRS? I know they are coming for me….”

  6. Big C and her psychic abilities. I can’t say I miss those commercials. But if you guys were tight, i’d totally be jealous.

  7. I love psychics. I wish I knew one. Or I wish I had money to throw around because I would go to them all the time, just to see what they would say about my life.

    P.S. I am very excited to be on the Okay Playa page. Woohoo!

  8. You two can have your own reality show. It’ll be heartwarming and life affirming.

  9. ya mon
    and have you seen this? (sorry for the comment hijacking that’s about to take place)

    De Unofficial Guide to Talkin’ Like Miss Cleo, Babies

    * For the “th” sound in words like “thing” use “t.” Example: “Tank you.”

    * For the “th” sound in words like “this” use “d.” Example: “You know dat.”

    * Drop the “g” in “ing” words. Example: “He is not comin’ back dis time.”

    * For “I” use “me,” for “he” use “him,” and just randomly use objective pronouns for subjective ones. Example: “Me know what me talkin’ about.”

    * Leave out the “is” verb. Example: “Him a little bit overpriced.”

    * For “going” use “go.” Example: “Hi, baby, what go on?”

    * For “doesn’t” use “not.”

    * For “for” use “fee.” Example: “Are you waitin’ fee that letter in the mail?”

    * Occasionally use “tee” instead of “to.” Example: “Nobody wants tee give way.”

    * Call people “baby,” “sweetness,” and “young lady.”

    * Make up convoluted expressions that sound homespun. Example: “Whenever we go back second time for second helpin’, lot harder fee get out of it.” (sic)

    * Toss in an occasional “Ya, mon.”

  10. JK

    and do you know how many people still call it Captain Crunch?

  11. Ok, um, Christian Bale is mine. I heart him immensely. Always have. So I’m going to need you to back off.

    And I’m sure he likes the chocolates and pink perfumed smelling notes I send him more than yours.

  12. i have loved Christian bale since newsies.

    santa fe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    im going to go listen to the soundtrack right now.

    and miss cleo didn’t she get arrested for selling drugs or something. or did i just make that up?

  13. Don’t forget Swing Kids Alexa! He was a nazi who just wanted to DANCE!

  14. Where is Big C at these days? Did YK2 get her? Should’ve seen that comin, Ms. Cleo.

  15. Matt

    WTF does NASA do?

    Besides create mattresses that wont spill wine if you so happen to drop a bowling ball inches away from it.

    Whatever happened to good old miss cleo…she was by far, the funnest psychic I ever saw.

  16. Well here is the real question: would you use your influence with Big C to answer crap for your friends?

    No, you wouldn’t, you would totally say that you did though and tell them that she said they should buy you beer. Yeah…that sounds more like you.

  17. NASA just builds large scale toys and spends the rest of the day reading your blog. Big C said so.

  18. Christian Bale

    You are pretty creepy. But I dig it. You want to meet up sometime, have cocktails, play Taboo?

  19. Christian Bale is just doing a year’s worth of research for the role of “your blog buddy.”

  20. Matt

    I am laughing my fucking ass off @ Christian Bale’s comment.

    You should totally play taboo with him Chris.

  21. rebecca – I will be sure to pass this information on to you.

    kristen – But I put the blonde wig on like he said he loves!

    ben – A big “c” would be nasty.

    in real life – Yeah, she would need some calming down I bet.

    beth – I’ll call you and get her to hook you up with a reading.

    arielle – I agree – and making it just made your life didn’t it???

    melissa – It’d be a hit for sure.

    jenny – Hahaha – no I haven’t seen it, but thank you for sharing.

    jk – Morons!

    marie – He does not!

    alexa – Nope – no arrests. She’s been sued a couple times though.

    kiala – The best kind of Nazi there is.

    narm – She’s alive and kicking! Maybe not kicking.

    matt – I seriously hate NASA. In fact, there will be a post about that soon. And maybe I will play Taboo, maybe I will…

    stealth – Yup. I’d totally do that.

    meghan – Sweet!

    christian – Oh you’re just teasing me!

    noelle – It will be a tough role.

  22. I’ve already put my entry in as Christian Bale’s best friend. It’s all documented in my blog.

    I call dibs.

    Call me nowwwwww…

  23. You wanting to meet Christian Bale, is probably how I feel about wanting to meet Larry David. Just Genius!

  24. I don’t think Big C would find this fun at all. Its like having a friend who is a hair dresser come over and give you a haircut.

    What’s in it for Big C?

  25. You would totally try to get freaky with Miss Cleo. Don’t deny it.

  26. Would you be breaking some unspoken rule of friendship by asking her if USC would cover the spread on any given Saturday?

  27. Wouldn’t it suck to have Miss Cleo as a friend? Imagine being the dude at whom she screams, “That is not your baby!” You would be like, “Big C, you came to my engagement party, my wedding, my baby shower, and now you tell me that’s not my baby?” That’s how Cleo is. She doesn’t stop you from doing things. She just lets you know the real deal after it is too late. So, you would go out and have a big Mexican dinner and, after you get the check, she would say to you, “Pick up some toilet paper on the way home. No, really, get a lot of toilet paper.” Who needs friends like that? I want friends who give good advice I can ignore.

  28. My friend used to work for Miss Cleo’s psychic network! It only lasted a short while but she had some awesome stories about the callers.

  29. megkathleen

    I haven’t thought about Miss Cleo in years. But, yeah, definitely best friend material. Right up there with Mr. T.

  30. deutlich

    Often, I wonder how it is that your brain works the way it does.

    Then I remember that I probably don’t ever want to know.

    You = Short-bus Special

  31. i think christian bale would like your blog, hell why wouldn’t he? well maybe he wouldn’t because he likes mine more? could be i’m the bigger fan. i do know every song from Newsies. that has to count for something right?

  32. rs – You did??? Well – can we share hanging out with him?

    mental – Oh man, Larry is the fucking man.

    ride – She’d get to hear all about the wonderful world of blogging!

    mindy – She is kinda cute…

    justin – Nope!

    stooge – You present some good points.

    twink – SHUT UP. Really??? You have to email me some of those stories.

    megkathleen – What a threesome we’d make! You could come too and we’d pretty much conquer the world.

    deutlich – Yeah, it’s best not to find out I guess.

  33. The question is, who is the father of the baby?

  34. I love her for popularizing the phrase “fakin’ Jamaican.”

  35. Wow you really put a lot of thought into that Miss Cleo relationship. I’m impressed. Oh yeah and of course it wasn’t a full “who’s who” on Friday because you couldn’t join us so one “fun” element was definitely missing 😉

  36. Christian Bale rocks my socks-even if he might be antisocial. ^__^

  37. Britney won’t return any of my emails either. I wonder if her and Bale are gettin’ busy?

  38. dan – I will find out! I bet it’s you.

    pistols – She’s a woman of so many talents.

    jessica – Yes! Thank you. You have saved my fragile ego.

    heather – He’s antisocial? Hmmm… I wonder if he’ll still like me when I ask him to go to bars and stuff like that.

    mspuddin – Man, I hope not.

  39. you and me both on the christian bale email thing. why doesn’t he write back????

  40. I can’t WAIT to see the Dark Knight.

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