the day the music died

Bon Jovi.

The name invokes many thoughts, feelings and even memories, doesn’t it?

Right now you’re probably thinking of that time when you heard “Livin’ on a Prayer” and you thought to yourself that you could identify with Tommy who used to work on the docks and was down on his luck because you, too, thought life “is tough, so tough.”

Or maybe you’re thinking of how great you felt when you belted out “You Give Love a Bad Name” while downing cans of Busch Light at the local bar and the woman with blonde highlights and cut-off jean shorts thought you “rocked” and went home with you even after you vomited on her leg.

But not me.

I don’t have fond thoughts.

I hate Bon Jovi and I want them to go away.

The only thing that gives me an once of respect for them is that they produced a pretty decent song for Young Guns 2, which was a bad ass movie.

Other than that, I could be perfectly happy with my life if I never had to hear “Livin’ on a Prayer” or any other song by them again.

For awhile, I thought that I was in the clear.

There were some years when the sun was shining, the birds were chirping and no one had heard from Jon (Your name is really spelled John, by the way, you fucking ass – what, taking the “h” out of your name made you that much more rocking?) and the gang for quite some time.

Then they came storming back with the single “It’s My Life,” which makes me want to stab my ears with a spoon because it is so damn cheesy.

And just like that – no more sun shining and no more birds chirping.

Just the sound of terrible pop music sung by a man who sports a woman’s haircut while jamming to guitar riffs played by quite possibly the ugliest man alive.  Okay, it’s a toss-up between him and Tom Petty.

My hate for Bon Jovi has been reignited because it has just been announced that the band will be playing here at Central Park on the 12th.

Guess who’s going to that show?

Me.

I’m going to show up early so I can get a front row seat, and when that bastard comes on stage, I’m going to tell him how I feel and maybe throw my dirty socks at his head.

I’ve had enough Bon Jovi.

The shitty music must stop.

Get ready for hell.

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49 Comments

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49 responses to “the day the music died

  1. Might the throwing of the dirty socks be mistaken for the tossing of undergarments and thus a compliment? I’m just trying to make sure you don’t accidentally make them think you like them. I’m looking out for YOU here.

  2. riding the hell train with Bon Jovi:

    Keanu Reeves and Renee Zellweiger or however the hell you spell it. I know they are actors but I’m sure I can sneak onto the set of whatever horrible movie they are making and give them thier boarding passes.

  3. Rachel

    I am so sorry to disagree on this one–Bon Jovi invokes great memories and while I agree the new stuff sucks–Have a Nice Day, really?!–You Give Love a Bad Name brings back sweaty jr. high dances with my big aqua net hair, stretch jeans with scrunchy socks and way too much make-up smuggled out of the house…

    wait…that doesn’t sound so great now that it’s written.

    Dammit. You’re Right.

    And now I have to hate him too.

    Rock ‘N’ Roll Beefcake my ass!

    Let’s throw rocks at him!

    And screw you, Brad Fischer, for never dancing with me!

  4. Ugh yuck. Bon Jovi blows (from like 1990-now). I’ll name my first born after you if you can get them to retire.

  5. nancypearlwannabe

    Yeah, Jon Bon is way past his rockin’ prime. Bring a couple extra dirty socks to throw for me.

  6. But he comes from New Jersey, good rock and roll is the only good thing that comes out of New Jersey.

  7. Every Gym’s Nightmare: I hate Renee Zellweger too! Thank god there are more of us. Her pinchy- ass face is just too much to stand. Gah….

    Bon Jovi. Yes. Well. For a guy whose mom was a hair dresser, you’d think something would be done about those dry ends.

  8. When I think Bon Jovi, (once I get past the hair) I think, rides down the shore. And the Sopranos, actually. They ruined a few of his, almost as bad as Journey.

  9. There was this girl at the wedding I was at last weekend who I thought was kinda cute, and the second thing she said to me (after “hi, big guy!”…?) was “so are you a Bon Jovi fan? What’s your favorite song?”

    I felt like Michael Bolton from Office Space – trying to impress someone by pretending to like a band that basically sucks. So I said, “I celebrate their entire collection.”

    Turned out she was married anyway.

  10. You forgot to mention my favorite ever song by JBJ – It’s my life. You know.. it has that weird voice effect in it.

  11. I guess I can fess up- I have terrible taste in music, but I am especially fond of Bon Jovi around 1 am in a dive bar, sidling up to the bar and ordering a draft beer, when you are drunk enough that you can barely keep your eyes open… Yeah, that’s when I can get behind some Bon Jovi.

  12. Not sure if a spoon would really have the desired effect. Doesn’t Ari let you have a fork anymore since the “Little fork” rant?

    😉

  13. Why would it be “John”? Is there an “h” in Jonathan? It should be Jon.

    And yes, I realize the irony here. But John isn’t my real name, so fuck off.

    Love,
    John

  14. Why does the greatest show on TV, The Deadliest Catch, have to bring itself down a notch with a JBJ theme song? Is nothing sacred?

  15. m.b.

    if i want to piss off my friends from jersey, i just mention bon jovi and call them a bunch of ‘has beens.’ they’re still wearing the same black acid wash jeans (and the same hair) from 1982.

  16. Okay, sure. But you still like Van Halen. Right?

    RIGHT?

  17. Thank you for shedding light on the awfulness that is “It’s My Life”. That song makes me want to hit myself with a hammer.

    perhaps that’s Bon Jovi’s ploy? Their music is filled with subliminal messages that make awesome people want to hurt themselves…

  18. deutlich

    PLEASE video record that.

    PLEASE!

  19. Oh man. I was pretty sure in middle school that liking Bon Jovi made me better than everyone else. That’s why no one liked me, isn’t it?

  20. Before you throw a sock at them and start cursing them, can you please ask them if any have had plastic surgery? I’m just curious.

  21. Haterrrrrrrrrrr. “Always” was great, and I’m not conceding this. We’re in a blog fight, ha.

  22. Bon Jovi reminds me of sitting at the local pizza place with my classmates in 6th grade. Specifically, I am thinking of making googly eyes at Evan whilst some cheesy Bon Jovi song was playing. Oh to be young & in love!

  23. stealth – Thank you! You are nice to me. I will change it to a rock.

    everygym – I fucking hate her. She is as ugly as Richie and Tom Petty. Gross.

    rachel – Brad is hating himself right now. Know that.

    maxie – Woo hoo! Now that is some motivation!

    nancypearl – You can count on me.

    dutchess – Yeah, I know. I’m not Jersey bashing, because I know RS will be on to me once he reads this. I do like The Boss though, that counts?

    melissa – I hate her too. Ugly, ugly, ugly. And let me find out you know his Mom was a hairdresser!

    jessica – Oh man, I hate Journey too.

    fort – At least you tried man.

    allison – No, I did mention it.

    maiden – Hahaha – yeah, but at that point, you can support just about anything. Make out with ugly dudes? Sure! Pay for more shots? Sure!

    sassy – Hahaha – Nice.

    john – Hahaha – well said. Love, Cris.

    narm – I’ve never heard of that show????

    mb – Yes, Jersey people can get quite upset about this.

    kiala – I’m sorry, but no. I’ve hated them since I was conceived.

    twink – Hahaha – You’re right! Maybe they’re smarter than I think they are!

    deutlich – For you? Anything!

    megan – No, in middle school it was totally cool. And there’s no way people don’t like you now – you have a blog!

    marie – Done and done.

    brooklyn – Blog drama!

    mindy – I bet Evan misses those special moments with you too.

  24. I think Jon Bon Jovi is hot.

  25. Matt

    I think you just pissed off the whole state of New Jersey with this one post.

  26. I’m right there with you, I never understood the hype. Now Madonna, there’s an artist that gets me moving….even though as she gets older she starts to look more and more like Richie Sambora….

  27. JK

    Get ready for hell? Really? That’s intense.

  28. megkathleen

    God I hate that song. It sounds like the cheesy theme song for a cheesy sitcom. I am in full support of the throwing of dirty socks. Full Support.

  29. Echidnagirl

    Bon Iver rocks. Bon Jovi does not and never has.

  30. Marcos

    He thinks he’s got it goin’ bossanova. No way. No Way! What is this garbage? What is this? Oh, I’m king of the trees. I’m the tree-meister. I count on them.

  31. I’m from Jersey. And the Dutchess is supposedly a friend of mine… I’m going to have to bring her to task on that comment.

    Anyhoo, I concur. Down with Bon Jovi. Except for when it comes on the radio and I sing along despite myself.

  32. You are forgetting one of the BEST BJ songs ev-er…the one that came out when I was in like 8th grade and it was released simultaneously with Boyz II Men’s On Bended Knee…The one where he sings “Aaaaaaaaaaaaand IIIIIII will love yooou baaaaaaabaaaaaaaaaaaaayeeeee…aaaaaalwaaaaaaaaays…”

  33. sillygrrl

    I heard that ‘ugliest man alive’ is going to the next rock of love dude. gross

  34. Did you know the Statue of Liberty is in New Jersey water?

    Take that ass clowns!

    Sorry that was a little much. So for this Bon Jovi dude, yeah, I grew up in Jersey. Never heard of him.

  35. What the hell is Bon Jovi?

    Oh, Yeah. Them. I googled Jon Bon Jovi just now and he looked pretty hardcore in 1987, but that was a long, long time ago.

    If you get right up in the front row and you have a few beers before the concert, you might just be able to pee on him.

  36. cheesy he may be but i don’t have hatred of king jovi.

    my favorite song hangs down is wanted dead or alive which i am glad to see you have put in the semi ok category.

    but he new stuff? is a bad regurgitation of his old stuff that actually did rock at the time.

  37. man, we are in hell with what is on the radio now. I’d rather go back to cheap beer and going home with the guy who puked on my leg than whatever THIS is…

  38. kristen – To each her own I guess.

    matt – Success!

    inreallife – Yeah, she gets nastier and nastier.

    jk – I tend to get that way.

    megkathleen – Thank you!

    echidnagirl – I have no idea who that is, but I’m glad you’re agreeing about Jon.

    marcos – Mr. Walkway, Mr. Walkdownme, Mr. Leadmetothebuilding – fuck you.

    noelle – I’m sorry – did you say something about a girl fight???

    yourgirlfriend – You hurt my ears.

    silly – Really? That sucks!

    rs – I was waiting for the aggression from you.

    stooge – Yes! Pissing would be much more satisfying.

    alexa – Yes, I do love that song, but nothing else!

    mspuddin – A wise decision.

  39. Seriously?!?

    You’re just pissed off your hair isn’t like his.

  40. yeah richie sambora is pretty ugly, i completely agree with that one. but ‘living on a prayer’ is just so classic, how can you hate it?

  41. Can I just say that you’re my favorite Chris? True story.

  42. Often times I agree with you and think you are hilarious, but sadly today I don’t. I love bon jovi and I will be living on a prayer for the rest of my life

  43. My mom has a crush on Bon Jovi.

    Can you tell him that, when you see him??

    Thanks! (and from MomBun!)

    😀

  44. Bon Jovi’s newest stuff is crap, including It’s My Life. But the old stuff is classic, come on, Bed of Roses???

  45. We were on the same page for so long for so many post and then this! It’s like it came out of nowhere. It’s like I don’t even know you Chris… well I really don’t but still you get my point. When Bon Jovi comes on in my car I rock out like I still have big bangs and I’m just waiting for the dance to be over so my boyfriend and I can start making out in the backseat.

  46. Wow you really hate Bon Jovi. Personally I like some of their stuff, Slippery When Wet wasn’t all awful. Plus, Bon Jovi was the first concert I ever went to 🙂

  47. Echidnagirl

    the link didn’t work so I think you’ll have to cut and paste

    Bon Iver, if you’re curious

  48. essentially – Maybe. Maybe I am!

    katelin – I’m just so over it, you know?

    freeandflawed – Thanks! I like you too!

    verb – Hahaha – hey, you do your thing, I ain’t mad at cha!

    jen – I will pass along the message before I start throwing stuff.

    felicia – Eh, I just am so tired of it.

    lissa – Hahaha – now that’s a memory!

    jessica – I tend to get animated about things.

    echidnagirl – Not bad!

  49. Anonymous

    I’ve seen pix of you. Definitely a hair envy thing. He is hot.

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