a-okay

I had to buy deodorant yesterday.

Deodorant is in the Personal Items category, and the Rules Of Life say you must buy something else when purchasing a product from said category.

If you walk up to a cashier and slam down just a stick of deodorant, you might as well just go ahead and grab them by the shoulders, pull them over to your armpit and say, “Smell me, go ahead, do it!  I stink.  Please, this is all I need to be normal again – please help me!”

It would not be pretty scene and the cops may also be called.

So when I went into the Duane Reade I knew I had to buy some other item to make it look like I was not on the verge of making people vomit with my body odor.

I perused the aisles searching for The Perfect Thing that would not make the cashier judge me.

Cards?

No.

No one is playing cards with a dude who stinks.  The cashier would never believe that I have friends.

Shampoo?

No.

I did not want the cashier thinking that not only did my armpits smell, my hair was also Not Quite Right.

I finally decided on a Kashi energy bar after much debate and brought it up to a cashier that was giving me a face like she loved her job.  Or maybe she was just hating her life and wanted me to know it.

It was when I sat my items down on the counter that I noticed that the label on the Kashi bar proudly proclaimed, “Now With 3X The Fiber!” in big bold type.

Perfect.

I was now a smelly man and approximately 85 years-old and/or had a severe problem with my plumbing.

I couldn’t say anything in my defense.  I just paid and left as quickly as I could.

I think I’ll stay away from that Duane Reade for at least a week or two, just because I don’t want to have to face that cashier again.

I’d go up to pay, she’d look at me then ask, “So how are we feeling today?”

And I’d have to lie and say, “I feel fine.  I feel perfectly normal.”

 

(I’m not gonna be around tomorrow, because I’ll be eating semi-charred foods and drinking too much alcohol, so if you’re looking for something to read, please take the time to check out the posts that I linked to on the Okay Playa! page.) 

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55 Comments

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55 responses to “a-okay

  1. deutlich

    You worry too much about what non-essential people will think of you, mister.

  2. You should have gotten a travel toothbrush or something. That would have said “I’m on vacation” or “I slept over at someones house and I’m not quite sure of their name.”

  3. You could have bought me a Take 5.

  4. Ben

    Me thinks Maxie is dead on. A little TOO dead on, isn’t that right, One-Night-Stand Maxie?

    Pour some flax seed in your grey goose or something to make sure the plumbing doesn’t get backed up again.

  5. Ben’s post inspires laughs and third world countries.

  6. I have no problem purchasing Personal Items by their lonesome. In fact, the last time I purchased one, I used my Duane Reade coupon (the one you get for shopping at Duane Reade too frequently) and then bickered about the price STILL being too high.

    Because I’m that kid.

  7. i’m not familiar with the ways of duane reade – do their employees only last 2 weeks each?? that’s crazy turn-over. and yet it must be an amazing business model given their success. i’m gonna have to google this stuff
    have a happy 4th!!

  8. I, too, bought deo yesterday. I think it was a theme.

  9. Matt

    You should have bought some beer.

    because that says…

    “Hey, I stink- but I like to party.”

  10. I know exactly what you mean.

    I have to do the same thing when I buy my Superflow tampons at Target only I don’t care about the cashier.

    It’s the damned Paparazzi.

    The fuckers.

  11. I love how worried you were about that. At least you’re not a girl and have to buy feminine products. That might be TOO much for you.

    Admittedly, when I worked at a book store, I judged the person by what they were buying. Maybe it was just because I was bored and needed entertainment. High five to the guy buying TWO playboy magazines.

  12. Reminds me of the Simpons episode where Homer’s trying to buy some fireworks…

    “Hi, I’ll take one of those porno magazines, a large box of condoms, a bottle of Old Harper, a couple of those panty shields [quickly] and some illegal fireworks [slowly] and one of those disposable enemas. Wait, make it two.”

  13. no way- she thought, “wow, this guy must work out really hard if the only things he needs in life are deoderant and energy bars.”

    I hate when people act like they are too good for the job they do. like fast food workers. unless you get the sweet old mcdonald’s lady (every place has one) that just didnt save well enough for retirment. which will probably be me some day.

    and i have to work tomorrow, so kindly suck it.

  14. The funny thing is I can totally see you grabbing the cashier, pulling them into your armpit, and telling them to smell you.
    It will happen the day you finally loose it completely. 😉

  15. Okay, this is a little weird….

    *looks around room*

    I was just at Walgreens buying deodorant and other items to take the attention away from the deodorant…

    *looks under couch*

    I mean, seriously I just walked in the door…

    *looks behind curtains*

    Are you stalking me?

  16. Rachel

    I tend to hoard things like deo so I am not running out at an in-opportune time–but is there an opportune time? I digress.

    I buy the multi-pack…

    “They” must think I really stink it up.

  17. One time when I was in my early twenties I was buying panties at Banana Republic and I forced a salesgirl to get behind the counter and ring them up because I did not want a guy to do it.

    It seems retarded now.

  18. I think telling her you feel “regular” might be more appropriate Fiber Boy.

  19. deutlich – Never!

    maxie – You are smarter than me.

    ari – I know. Our love is ruined.

    ben – Good idea!

    dan – Wow – I bet it does too.

    stealth – I can just see you with your little card attached on your keychain, waving it proudly at the cashier.

    jenny – Yes. Google it. I only speak Facts on this blog.

    melissa – Alright! Did you get Right Guard Active?

    matt – Dammit!

    kristen – Well, yeah, that’s because you’re way more famous (and slightly better looking) than me.

    lauren – Hahaha – I would high five him too. But only after he washed his hands.

    justin – Hahaha – that’s awesome.

    everygym – I hope she did! And I’m sorry you have to work. Do some reps for me?

    sassy – It’ll be in the papers I’m sure.

    inreallife – You forgot to look in the bathroom! But give me a sec, I’m not done yet.

    rachel – Oh yeah, they totally do.

    kiala – Yes, yes it does.

    narm – You’re right. I am dumb.

  20. Cashier woman is irrelevant. If she says something to you, you should grab her by the ears and scream “YOU’RE A CASHIER!!” right in her face.

    She’ll be struck dumb. I can guarantee it.

  21. You should have picked up a pack of toilet paper too.

  22. I like to overwhelm the cashier with embarrassing items all at once. That way they don’t know which one to focus on. Then it’s always some young hotshot guy I can’t look in the eye. Every time, I vow next time to get my groceries delivered.

  23. I do the same thing with tampons but I take it a step further and look for a female cashier because she *knows* my pain.

    I just had a brilliant idea. We need to make a catalog, like skymall, for these types of purchases. They will come wrapped up just like porn (not that I order it or anything) and when your neighbors think man that guy orders a lot of porn you can just laugh because you will know its just your deodorant. Genius? I think so. (Patent pending.)

  24. I just realized I have way too much time on my hands to think about these things.

  25. The only acceptable product to buy with deodorant is a pack of gum.

    Gum and deodorant? Someone’s getting some tonight!

    I wouldn’t know about all that though.

  26. sooo what kind of deodorant do you wear?!?! is it uber manly??

  27. Sometimes I read blog posts and I think Ah! This is the reason for blogs! The voices don’t need to stay in our heads. We can broadcast them to the internet! And then people think the same thing. Thank god for blogs!

    Me, I’m just impressed that you blogged about deodorant. I’m too ashamed of my body’s functions to do so. No kidding. Talking about sex, no prob! Talking about my body in less than perfect ways? NO WAY.

  28. J

    Those drugstore people are so judgy, aren’t they?

    I prefer not to look them in the eye.

  29. Is it wrong that I just wouldn’t care? What other combinations could you buy…?

    A pregnancy test and some condoms perhaps – hey I’ll be more careful in the future

    Toothbrush and foot deodorant – the toothbrush’s for getting off the mould

    The possibilities are endless (well, obviously not that endless otherwise I would have come up with some more!)

  30. Well, I think you probably brightened the day of that surly store clerk.

    I’m sure after you left, she turned to another employee and said, “That guy just came in and bought deodorant and a fiber bar! Ha! He stinks and he’s constipated. Man I feel better about my life now.”

  31. i think i might start using man deodorant because while i’m a lady i sweat like a dude. tmi?

  32. You can avoid this issue entirely by buying the female-brand deodorants. It’s all the same deodorant crap anyway, but when you get to the counter with your girl deodorant you’re saying, “my wife or girlfriend stinks.”

    So, did you eat the Kashi bar and did you then take a winning poker hand of deuces?

  33. Great posts, I’ll have to keep up with your blog. I’m trying to find the best humor out there, and your’s is definitely the tops so far! BO is funny no matter how you discuss it. Enjoy the 4th!

    My blog is http://underdogs.wordpress.com/
    I’ve just started updating it again, mostly yarns about Yoda, the Hulk, Barack Obama, etc. Hopefully the humor will hit home, keep up the great work on this site.

  34. Do you think that maybe because YOU judge people so much, that’s why you think so many other people are judging YOU?? (I’m not judging– you totally get to judge people, because you have a blog!)

    Also, I won’t be around tomorrow (or much at all this weekend because it is A Special Weekend), but I have some special stuff lined up, so you should still come over and play.

    And Happy 4th!!!

  35. I always buy extras at the drugstore. Just so I don’t have to go there again anytime soon.

  36. my friend once went to a grocery store and bought deodorant, a bottle of arbor mist and a cucumber. yeah he’s pretty weird. good thing you didn’t go that route, haha..

  37. kali – That is an excellent idea.

    exinator – Hahaha – yes, might as well just gone for it.

    megan – Delivering is probably the solution.

    lissa – Yes. I am on board with this. And so do I.

    rs – Yeah right – I saw you at the Playboy Mansion, you can’t lie.

    alexa – Right Gaurd Active. Not bad, right?

    melissa – This is why I’m here. To educate.

    j – Yes they are – they’re still looking at you!

    nutty – No, in fact, it is better for you not to care.

    hollywood – Yes, you’re right! I’m like a celebrity – making all the little people feel better just by seeing me. Right?

    julie – No. Not too much. Please tell me about your Cycle.

    stoogepie – Oh yes.

    tecmo – Thanks for reading!

    jen – Hahaha – Uh, yes. You just read me like a psychologist. And I will!

    noelle – That’s what I need to do – stockpile like it’s the End Of Days.

    katelin – Hahaha – yes, at least I didn’t do that.

  38. megkathleen

    I was never aware of this rule of buying something else when purchasing a “Personal Item”. Now I’m all concerned about the number of times said rule has been broken. I think I will have to start anew at a completely different drugstore.

  39. k8

    I like the clerk that just stared and gave my left ring finger “the look” when I bought a pregnancy test. I didn’t like that it was such a small town that I had to go back there the next day to buy tampons. I’m pretty sure if she had said anything I might have decked her.

  40. Yech, what IS that smell??? Oh it’s you!!! Hehehe, just kidding . . .

  41. Yes, you should have got toilet people. Then she would have maybe laughed in your face or something. Ew.

  42. Oh, I hate that situation. I know it’s stupid to be embarrassed, because everyone else in the world needs deodorant or whatever I’m buying, but I always am. And then I feel even more embarrassed for feeling embarrassed.

  43. you make a good point, but trying slamming down a box of tampons and saying, “blood is profusely gushing out of my vagina!”

  44. btw I just gave you an award

    it’s cheesy I know, but feel free to squeal anyways

  45. That’s funny. I didn’t know the whole add on purchase bit with the Personal Items products. Good to know. Gum next time? Always solid choice.

  46. All things being equal, I’m willing to bet that any cashier actually judging the products you buy would be happier to know you buy deodorant than to know that you DON’T buy it. Just saying.

  47. I would have just gone straight for the Playboy magazine. That’d make her forget the deodorant.

  48. I hear you. I used to worry in the same way, but I got over it, little by little. I’m now at the stage where I can ask for yeast infection pills and super tampax without shame. You’ve just got to stare these checkout people down. Good luck nex time!

  49. Jen

    You know I was cracking up reading that. Enjoyablex10!
    At least you didn’t have to buy pepto for someone else and the cashier was like asking if you have diarrhea.
    This happened to me. When I quietly told her it was for my dad, she sho nuff didn’t believe me in the least bit.
    And then I had to get tampons for my mom later on that day! Yeah, the cashier got a glare-from-hell when she almost commented on that box! Enjoy excessive amounts of alkeehawl 🙂

  50. I’ve worked in retail and never really judged people on their purchases. Do cashiers really do this? Hmmm. I wonder.

  51. It sounds like a certain cashier in NYC has just unwittingly volunteered to be the lightning rod of all of your future awkward purchases. I always get irked by these folks.

    I’m thinking Tampax x 20.

  52. My coworker recently went to Target and all she bought was a jumbo pack of toilet paper and a box of All Bran. She didn’t realize what she must have looked like until she walked out of the store.

  53. I’m with Deutlich. Who cares? Sometimes I like to do the opposite. Buy lube, an enema kit, and some bandaids, when all I needed was the bandaids. Then again I do have a rogue enema kit laying around… which starts interesting conversations if someone is ever unfortunate enough to stumble across it.

  54. Trust me. Buying a sole deo does not make you an awkward human. I cashiered at a CVS through highschool and a young guy came in and bought literally 10 things of KY while talking about a family reunion. Apprently I’m scarred for life.

  55. Pingback: Wednesday miscellany X « Parlez-vous moo?

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