poppa please, some more of these

I was reading The Times just now, when I stumbled across an article about how a bunch of doctors have decided that kids should be put on cholesterol-lowering drugs to decrease their chances of having heart problems when they become adults.

Obviously I am in Full Support of this idea.

Kids are A Pain aren’t they?

Well, just drug those little fuckers up!

When little Johnny just can’t seem to sit still, pop an Adderall in his bowl of Kix and you can sit back, relax and not be bothered when The Bold & The Beautiful comes on.  Oh, and just to save you the trouble, there is no way Katie will be able to hold her feelings back, now that Bridget has accepted Nick’s proposal.  No way!

Is cute Sally putting on one too many pounds and suddenly Not So Cute?

Don’t bother getting her involved in physical activities like sports where she could not only form friendships with other kids but foster healthy exercising behaviors, get that bitch some drugs!

With a pill there’d be no having to drive Sally to practices, no having to Support Her in a new endeavor, nothing!

Simply tell your caring pediatrician – who is not controlled by bonuses given to him by pharmaceutical companies – about Sally’s Problem, and you’ll be annoyance free by the end of that day.

This is why I can’t wait to have a little tyke of my own.

With all the pills that can be given to kids to drown out any issues they may have, just the thought of watching the little zombies wander aimlessly around my house brings a big smile to my face.

But if I start to smile too much, I’ll be sure to see my doctor about it.

I hear there’s a pill for that.

(Everyone: I am having my first ever contest – so please go check out the Win Something! page for all the details)


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53 responses to “poppa please, some more of these

  1. If I had known raising kids could be that easy, I would have done it. Damn! Regrets!

  2. I give my daughter vodka and tell her it’s water.

    It makes her way more fun at parties and stuff.

  3. Matt


    Fucking brilliant. Let’s just get them used to taking pills and injecting themselves…

    That way, when their older, they will have no problem taking X and shooting the heroine straight into their veins.

    I love medicine.

  4. There’s one pill that could prevent all of those problems: Plan B.

  5. Damnit! I wish my parents gave me those pills when I was growing up! Kids these days, they have so many more options.

  6. JustinS’ comment cracks me up 🙂

  7. i saw this on the today show this morning. so obnoxious. pills are NOT the cure for everything.

  8. I can’t wait to have ONE HUNDRED BABIES.

  9. deutlich

    Uhm. I could rant for a few years about the stupidity that is over-prescribing meds


    and me? I work in the Mental Health field for KIDS! and some of them are given HEAVY DUTY ADULT DRUGS AT THE AGE OF 3 AND IT PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF AND NOW YOU KNOW WHY I HATE MY FUCKING JOB


    Didn’t mean to yell.

    except. I did.

  10. Keef

    Amen brother

  11. Hey if it doesn’t work we can always just blame the media!

    Do they make a pill for sarcasm?

  12. Are you saying there’s a pill that will stop my three year old from climbing the bookcase so I can read blogs uninterrupted. BRING. IT. ON.

  13. I wish someone would put me on drugs. Like now. Do they have a pill that makes that pesky little thing called Work go away?

  14. Loooovely. Yes, because the damage pill-popping so early would have on your kids would be nothing compared to the benefits of outsmarting heart disease!


  15. With the pharmacy currently chilling out in my purse, my kids are destined to be screwed. They are also destined to be short, so they can just start dealing.

  16. Drugs are the answer to everything, don’t you know? Too fat, too thin, too whatever? Just take that pill and everything will be a-ok. GAG ME.

  17. those little bastards. do they have pills to make them less self-centered? because kids are the most selfish people i know. what about ME? what about MY needs? no one caves to me when i stomp MY feet and scream that i want a banana fudge bomb NOW! little jerks.

  18. I have a sneaking suspicion that this entire post was written under the clever disguise of sarcasm… hmm…

  19. Soon we won’t even have to THINK of something to blog about… there will just be a pill for that, too! 🙂

  20. megan – I’m sorry, but at least you can still pop some.

    kristen – And you too, right?

    matt – It’s a perfect plan.

    justin – Hahaha – nice.

    marie – I hope they appreciate it too.

    free – I know, it was a quality link.

    alexa – Exactly.

    rachel – Hahaha – best comment ever.

    deutlich – Yelling is always encouraged here.

    keef – I knew you’d agree.

    narm – I sure hope they do.

    melissa – I’ll send you a month’s supply.

    maxie – Looking into that now…

    kali – Right!

    stealth – Dealing as in coping, or dealing as in pumping pills on the corner to all their addict friends?

    melissa – Yes.

    jenny – Hahaha – Man, I want a fudge bomb now too. Actually, that sounds like a really messy shit.

    mental – You are completely wrong.

    jen – Awesome!

  21. Touche…and I’ll leave that up to them.

  22. Rachel

    so……it’s wrong that we call xanax “Smarties” around here?

  23. The next one on the market: an auto-reproduction pill. No more pesky childbirth.

    And after that: auto-programming. No more painful conversations with “your” kids. Pills will teach them everything they need to know.

  24. I’m going with the red wine theory, the more I drink the better Diana becomes

  25. Well how ELSE is a kid supposed to keep his cholesterol down? And don’t say “eat less junk food and exercise” because that is just CRAZY TALK.

  26. While I agree with you in general, I think it’s pretty ignorant to assume no kid could possibly need drugs for ADHD. Yes, we’ve become an over-medicated culture, but for us to rail against every instance of drugs prescribed for ADHD as “needless” and “lazy” does not give credit to the disease whatsoever, and will further make people doubt the importance and effectiveness of drugs.

    Besides, if your kid is fat, you should drown it.

  27. megkathleen

    I’m too disturbed to be witty. That is just wrong. I actually have a coworker who’s 8 yr old son is way overweight and she keeps saying while wringing her hands, “I just don’t know what to do! He just wants to play his video game and he only eats pizza.” I just want to scream at her JUST BE A FREAKING PARENT. But I’m not ready to be fired so I don’t.

  28. still not as good a prize as the complete douche set.

  29. Those Flintstone tablets are the devil. I knew it.

  30. stealth – And you will be a good parent because of that.

    rachel – Hahaha – No – eat up!

    jessica – Now we’re talking!

    inreallife – I like that theory a lot.

    mindy – You’re right – and I have no room for crazy talk.

    john – I honestly think that 97% of the kids diagnosed with adhd don’t have a thing. That, of course, is my Medical Opinion.

    meg – A kid who only wants to play video games and eat pizza??? How shocking!

    gina – Nothing ever will be.

    rs27 – “Ten million strong and growing!” Man I miss those ads.

  31. I think this is an awesome idea! I wish I hadn’t waited until I was fifteen or whatever to discover pharmaceutical bliss. (I don’t remember the exact age. My rewind circuit does not work all that great.)

    The pharmaceutical companies could lend parents a hand here. Instead of boring names like “Klonopin” and “Diazepam,” why not pills called things like “Clown Buttons” and “Santa’s Vitamins?”

  32. Stoogiepie: I love you.

  33. This is what the future of 1960 promised. Emotions in pills. It’s here!

  34. Yes, and can they also please keep feeding the kids foods that have ridiculous amounts of preservatives and sugar substitutes. It’s simple math: MSG + Splenda + lots of drugs = HAPPY CHILDREN.

  35. biscuitinabasket

    I actually know someone who had the view of “drugging” their own kids so that they turned out decent kids when they grew up…. it is actually surprising that this article took so long to come out, because there are a lot of screwed up parents around who would support medicating their kids instead of being parents.

  36. I think I’m with Maxie on her comment. If it could not only get rid of work but also people who annoy me, that would be supreme…

  37. “Just give the bitch some drugs!”

    I laughed out loud at work. It was so awesome.

  38. when i was a child and being annoying, my mom had one prescription that always worked – more cow bell.

    no no, just had to say that.

    the prescription was – GOING OUTSIDE! Away from her! sending me out to be interactive with people, nature, whatever. she got some quiet time and i got to melt ants with a magnifying glass. this is what kids are missing out on today. instead – they pay hoes to sleep with them, bring them into the woods, do ’em, kill ’em, and walk out with mo’ money on Grand Theft Auto V.


  39. If yelling “Fatso” was so politically incorrect we wouldn’t have these problems.

  40. Gosh I don’t care for children. How about instead of popping them full of cholesterol-lowering drugs, you get their asses outside to play or watch what they eat? Unless it’s a hereditary issue, a little exercise and using the word “no” once in a while never hurts.

  41. noelle – Well, those were some.

    stoogepie – An excellent idea!

    robbie – Woo hoo!

    phil – Exactly.

    biscuit – That really doesn’t surprise me at all.

    paula – I would also like to add bosses who don’t give you proper raises to that list.

    big time – Thanks!

    erikka – Yes, very lame. I do think that some video game time is fine, but not all the fucking time. Thank you, this has been Parenting With Chris.

    zibbs – Yup.

    jessica – That’s exactly what I think.

  42. my parents gave my brothers jack daniels when they were teething, hell they probably gave it to me too, haha. i can’t wait to have kids.

  43. So you’re saying popping pills is a bad thing?

  44. Oooh – do you think there’s a pill to make stupid people go away? I’d be slipping that into a lot of people’s drinks…

    oh wait – we’re talking about kids? Yeah, well – they’re annoying too. Is there a pill that fixes that?

  45. addicted2pb

    Rachel w/ the 100 babies comment… If God gives you lemons, you FIND A NEW GOD.

  46. addicted2pb

    oh… oops. that would have been funny if you had said 400 babies. but you all should watch this anyway… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRuNxHqwazs

  47. Goose

    My kids aren’t gettin’ sqwat. Head hurts? Walk it off!! Flu?? GET YOU’RE OWN DANG OJ! Monster under the bed? Hope it doesn’t eat you kid. If my kid has ADD, the only prescription their getting is 4 hours on the treadmill…on high. That’ll get em’ to pay attention…it will also make it for a much more pleasant evening when they pass out at 7 like their supposed to.

  48. Echidnagirl

    I don’t know why but the old Woody Allen movie Sleeper just keeps popping into my mind – the scene where the giant vegetables torment him in the garden.

    Lack of sleep on my part I suspect.

  49. Echidnagirl

    Sorry for the double post but here’s a link:

    See – he was actually funny once…long ago…

  50. im hoping by the time i have kids, you can pick their personaliy.

    mine would be just like me, so that it knows I just want to be left alone.


  51. katelin – More whiskey for everyone!

    meghan – Only when you’re a kid.

    twink – Let’s hope so.

    addicted – I did not get it. But that was a good video.

    goose – I like your style! #1 Dad? I think so my friend.

    echidnagirl – Yes, yes he was. A long time ago…

    everygym – That’s a great idea.

  52. That’s why I take drugs now. So my sperm are pre-medicated. I’m doing it for my future kids.

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