safety first

It’s officially summer time, and that means lots of things, like going to the beach, or drinking too many beers in the hot sun and almost passing out from dehydration.  And for some people, it means going to amusement parks.

I take in the occasional trip to those Lands Of Fun, and yeah, I have some Amusement.

And if you’re lucky enough (or famous enough) to accompany me on a trip to one of these places, you will always know where to find me.

On the ground.

No roller coasters for me, thank you very much.

I’ve tried them, okay?

I’ve tried strapping myself into a tiny box of metal and being hurled through the air like some kind of fucking idiot and it turns out that it’s just not for me.

Whenever my friends and I have gone to an amusement park, I am the one standing at the bottom, holding all the women’s purses, waving to everyone and thinking to myself, “Well, I hope they don’t die because we’ve had some fun times together.”

Of course you can try to peer pressure me into getting on one, but it won’t work.  This may surprise some of you, but I tend to be a little Set In My Ways.

But don’t let me stop you from tempting the cold hand of death.  Have at it!

You go ahead and place your life in the hands of a single metal bar across your lap.  It seems very likely that it will keep you from flying to your death and making me have to call your parents.

I’m sure that pimple-faced kid with the voice that cracked whose Mom took him and his girlfriend to the movies last night is going to be completely responsible handling the controls of the coaster.

It will be great and you should really go.

While you’re climbing to your impending doom on rides that warn you not ride them with names like Phantom’s Revenge and Raging Bull, I will be safe and sound below playing Duck Pond.

Yes, you can play a duck or two after you’re done, but that’s assuming that you will live through your Ride Of Death, and I don’t think we should make those kind of assumptions.

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63 Comments

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63 responses to “safety first

  1. i couldn’t agree less 🙂
    cedar point is a mecca.

  2. Thank you! Sometimes I feel like the only person in the world that thinks it is not fun to hurdle uncontrollably towards death. I should not have to pay someone to make me scream in fear. No thanks, I can do that for myself for free!

  3. Exactly! There are plenty of opportunities in a day to get killed or maimed other ways. I don’t need to tempt fate for the sake of amusement.

  4. Dude! Grow some balls! What’s the point of even stepping foot into an amusement park if you’re not gonna do the coasters?!?! Duck Pond? Are you serious? I’d rather stay home and play Super Mario Bros 3 for SNES than go to an amusement park for Duck Pond! I used to look up to you man… I used to look up to you…

    : :: Shakes head in shame :: :

  5. “Amusement” park doesn’t really sound that exciting. Like when I see a movie that’s just sort of funny, I might tell people it was “amusing.” If they really want to get my attention, they need to start calling them something like Raging Sweet Ass Grab You By The Fucking Balls parks.

  6. Dude I totally wish I had the friend that was willing to stand behind and hold the purses. That’s crucial.

  7. How many times have I asked you to be honest on your blog? Amusement park or not, you are always the one holding the women’s purses. You know why? Because you are a gentleman.

    Now, here, hold this.

  8. Matt

    Stick with the tea cups…

    I go to the amusement parks to have fun. Most people know that fun correlates directly with how-close-you-come-to-death.

  9. I love rollercoasters. The thing I hate? The one that goes up hundreds of feet and then just free-falls down. One day that stopping mechanism is so not gonna stop the damn thing, and everyone will end up with crushed leg bones. At least roller coasters are on rails.

  10. Never been on one and don’t ever want to be on one. Thankyouverymuch.

  11. You don’t steal the lipgloss and tampons out of the purses do you?

  12. i live near 2 parks and i want to go with my mom and sister when they come to visit (because we all love coasters) but we’ll need someone to hang with the chid’dens on the ground.
    are you rentable?

  13. I will help you the hold the purses next time. I am very good at it. And besides, I like it down there. You know, out of the head restraint (which in itself scares the ever-loving crap out of me) that slams my head back and forth in an attempt to scramble my brains or some shit.

  14. This post makes me fall even deeper in love with you than I was already.

    I too hate those death rides.

    Why anyone would volutneer to have the vomit scared out of them is beyond me.

    I’ll sit with you at the bottom and I’ll hold my own purse.

  15. It’s officially summer time, and that means lots of things, like going to the beach, or drinking too many beers in the hot sun and almost passing out from dehydration.

    That sentence might be my most favorite thing you’ve ever written…

  16. Would you hold my purse the next time I go on Space Mountain? There’s crackers in the front pouch in case you get hungry waiting.

  17. I also do not ride Rides of Death. I rode the Steel Phantom only because I knew it was closing, afterwards I ran off the ride, dry heaving like a little girl and that was it.
    Thanks for the Pittsburgh shoutout!

  18. I was going to post that same article that Mindy did about the kid that got decapitated, but I was going to do it to make you feel not so safe after all. Because the kid whose head got kicked off wasn’t on the coaster, he was on the ground.

    So be careful on AND off roller coasters, I guess. Anyway, I’m sort of on your side. When I was little I would go on any ride and now that I’m getting older and realize how dangerous these things are, I’m pretty wary of them.

    But now I think “When I have kids, I don’t want them going anywhere near these things!” But then again, I don’t want to be the weird parent who doesn’t let her kid go on rides!

  19. What about strapping yourself into an open metal seat (not box) and being hurtled straight up on cords without the track?

    Fine, that’s deadlier. How about the Himalaya?

  20. The only thing that comes to mind when I think of “amusement” parks in the summer are those bastard teeny boppers who go with dress like their girl/boyfriends and get fresh with each other because their parents let them out in the parking lot…then I get not-so-amused…

  21. Oh and Mindy, it’s sad that he died, but that was a just dumb idea…that kid climbed over 2 fences in the restricted area…nothing is THAT serious for me, especially not no ride at Six Flags…

  22. just so you know, you are now more of a p*ssy then my three year old daughter who loves roller coasters….then again, so is my husband…can you guys hold our purses?

  23. I can handle the namby pamby girlie rollercoasters (read: those that go 2mph and only slightly rock). But big fuck off ones. No thanks.

  24. longredcape

    Allow me to point you in the direction of an article detailing what happened to a kid at an amusement park. He was ON THE GROUND.

    http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25431893/

    Scary!!!

  25. They may be death traps but they are AWESOME death traps.

  26. “I’ve tried strapping myself into a tiny box of metal and being hurled through the air like some kind of fucking idiot…”

    This sentence should conclude with:

    “and it is FUCKING AWESOME!”

    Live a little, would you?

  27. I would have never guessed that you’re afraid of rollercoasters.

    I like rollercoasters that have the over-the-shoulder thingy. The metal bar across my lap doesn’t make me feel safe. I feel like I’ll slide out.

  28. JB

    *waves around wildly* HELLO. That right there? What you just described? Totally me, too.

    Now, try finally being dragged onto a rollercoaster for the first time, and it being MADE OF WOOD. As in, even the tracks are made of wood. DUDE. They could splinter and come crashing down around you and holy shit! I am never getting in a coaster again.

    Especially after my boss told me this morning about a 15 year old kid who got decapitated a couple of weeks ago from standing too close to a coaster ride.

  29. i love roller coasters. i even rode that rickety old cyclone in coney island this weekend – yeah, the one made out of 80-year-old popsicle sticks.

    adrenaline!

  30. so you don’t want to come visit cleveland and go to cedar point??

    i see how you are

  31. ang – Yes. The mecca of hell. Or something like that.

    dutchess – Exactly.

    megan – See, we’d be friends in real life.

    mental – Wait! I like hot women, beer and sports! Wait! Wait!!!!

    justin – I’d love to see the commercials for those parks.

    arielle – I am your man.

    melissa – Hahaha – you’re right. I am a gentlemen. But no, I will not hold your dildo, sorry, not today.

    matt – I will!

    sassy – Yeah, those are even crazier.

    marie – You’re lucky you never even rode one.

    shelly – Sometimes…

    jenny – Sure! It’s three cases of beer a day.

    stealth – Alright! Will you play wack-a-mole with me?

    kristen – I didn’t think it was possible for you to fall even more in love with me! And good, I already have too many purses as it is.

    julie – Thanks!

    meghan – Of course. You’re always so thoughtful.

    mindy – Yeah, that kid deserved to die. No. I didn’t mean that.

    alexis – I grew up in Pittsburgh! In Dormont! I got mad love for my home town!

    hollywood – You could be the weird parent with me! Fun, right?

    jessica – That sounds like something I wouldn’t like.

    lboogie – Hahaha – you and I both.

    inreallife – Yes, we will hold them.

    nuttycow – You’ll live much longer this way.

    longred – I saw that, it makes me think twice about even going.

    jamie – You are tempting Death and he is not a nice man!

    kali – Ok. Just for you.

    free – I can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic about that first sentence or not.

    jb – I did too! In Pittsburgh they have a couple wooden coasters, and mine was wooden too! Scary as hell.

    jessica – Hahaha – you are crazy.

    alexa – I’ll visit, but only if we get to hang out with your boy BronBron.

  32. Rachel

    Kristen won’t let you hold her purse because she keeps her flask in there…along with Ken’s stash.

    She’s Selfish that way.

  33. When I went on my senior trip I was one of the first people to ride the fast rollercoaster ther (roadster… or racer? I dunno) and it kept failing to get over the hump. It was kind of creepy.

  34. This is me as well! I’m the one going down the chicken ramp holding everyone’s damn bag, but what they don’t know is if they die that bag is MINE!

  35. Matt

    Tea cups can actually be really fun with enough alcohol in your system

  36. JK

    I don’t want your cotton candy. You’re only eating it because you’re bored waiting for all the cool kids to get off the rides.

  37. Rollercoasters. Hell to the no. Even with my eyes shut and my butt cheeks squeezed together I still have a nervous breakdown when approaching the initial drop. Sooo scary.

    And I can’t help but think of the scene in The Sandlot every time I see a Tilt-a-whirl (shudder)

  38. oh yeah, after I saw that movie Final Destination 3, I’m good. However, the last time I rode a roller coaster I peed my pants and I was like 15 so, um, yeah that too.

  39. I LOVE rollercoasters, and you can’t put me off them! If you went on Nemesis at Alton Towers, I’m sure you would love it, honest!!! 🙂

  40. Yes, those Rides of Death give me the heebie-jeebies too. I cannot, will not, and ABSOLUTELY REFUSE TO ride them.

    Because they can KILL YOU.

  41. what about the pirate ship? you like the pirate ship.

  42. The best is going on a rollercoaster after you’ve been drinking heavily and eating cotton candy.

    your seat mate loves that.

  43. rachel – What a bitch.

    maxie – The Racer!

    lissa – They are all suckers.

    matt – I think that goes for just about anything.

    jk – You do so want it!

    your girlfriend – It is fucking terrifying.

    mspuddin – Hahaha – yeah, and no one wants that to happen again.

    paula – I don’t believe you. I think you’re trying to trick me.

    girl – Exactly!

    ari – The Pirate Ship is my favorite ride!

    rs – I’m sure they do. And the person behind you too.

  44. What are your opinions on Tunnels of Love?

  45. Hahaha, I don’t even know what else to say. I recently stumbled upon your blog and I think it’s hilarious and well written. However, I am one of the fools that tempts “the cold hand of death” from time to time. Ah well, c’est la vie.

  46. Right, cause the pirate ship won’t go flying off it’s rocker-thingy and kill you. I hate that ride…. But I’ll wait at the bottom and hold your purse for you. 😉

  47. deutlich

    dammit.. now i’m going to be even more paranoid about rollercoasters than before

    I tell ya one thing though, I’ve been ADAMANTLY against Six Flags for a decade. Re.fucking.fuse.

    Some kids HEAD got CHOPPED OFF!

    What?!

    WHAT?!

  48. I was at Six Flags in Jersey recently and The Boyfriend made me go on Kingda Ka. On our way up that big ass hill the roller coaster stopped and rolled back.

    Apparently this is a normal occurrence and the ride just started and went again, this time making it over the hill.

    I have never been so scared in my life.

    THere’s something about a 500 ft roller coaster TYPICALLY NOT MAKING IT OVER THE HILL that just doesn’t seem right.

  49. what about the rides at disneyland? those aren’t nearly as bad or death defying. gotta love those at least, right?

  50. megkathleen

    I love love LOVE taking my life into my own hands. It’s my absolute favoritest pasttime. When I’m not riding death traps I’m playing Russian Roulette.

  51. grant – I am a fan of tunnels and of love and combining them makes sense to me.

    heather – Thanks! And good luck with Death.

    sassy – hahaha – Thanks, I knew you’d help me out.

    deutlich – I know!!!

    beth – Yes, see that is not right.

    rachel – See – that link is what I’m talking about.

    katelin – I’ve never been there. Sad, right?

    megkathleen – I figured you were that kinda girl.

  52. Now I want to go to Six Flags!!! You’ll miss me when I’m gone…

    Keep the blog going, in my memory, OK? 😉

    (I LOVE thrill rides! Shocking, right?)

  53. I loathe roller coasters. I tried to force myself to like them as a teen but realized the stupidity in it. Fuck being scared!!

  54. Love me some rollercoasters. It’s the teenagers sucking face in line for the rides (as if they are going to die in the next 15 minutes) that scare me.

  55. Goose

    Oh come on now…the only people that really get hurt are the people trying to get to the front of the line. Some people just lose their heads over those things…http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25431893/

  56. tiedtogetherwithasmile

    Wow goose, nothing like being harsh & rude about someone’s death. I especially like the fact that you are essentially an anonymous poster with no link. good job

    I am not a roller coaster fan, that just sounds like a horrible idea, I’ll be on the ground eating cotton candy and laughing at the annoying kids.

  57. this is the biggest way I hath turned into my mother 🙂

    I was never allowed.
    I resented it.
    My Toddler Tornado shall never be allowed.
    Im ready for the resentment.

  58. Echidnagirl

    Now this really breaks my heart…

    http://articles.latimes.com/2008/mar/19/local/me-smallworld19

    Die Disney people, die

  59. I’m just saying that because of those Final Destination movies I can’t even make tea for chrissakes without thinking something horrible and firey is going to happen.

    So I’ll wait with you and hold some purses.

  60. We can start a parental amusement park awareness group…or PAPAG, I guess for short. And talk about issues of raising our kids to be complete wussies.

    I’ll run the west coast chapter, and you the east.

  61. turnonthestars

    I’m jetting off to the USA in four weeks time, and am going to disneyland and disneyworld. What my travel companions do not yet know is that I will also be sitting out the rides, watching safely from below. They got me on rides last year and I never fully recovered.

    I’m with you on the Anti-Ride.

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