Last night on the train ride home, I was thinking about how I love Beat It, but I can’t get fully behind a song that is essentially telling me to turn and run like a frightened little boy when faced with any sort of conflict.

I just can’t.

Then, while making a sad face On The Outside, I looked up and saw this.

This man had hair like I had never seen before, so of course I started to think about him and his life.

I wonder what his parents think?  Actually, his parents probably haven’t spoken to him for years because his father never understood The Hair even though his mother supported it.



He’s definitely in a relationship of some kind.  No doubt about it.  There is always someone out there who will see beauty in the hideous.  People still go see Mike Myers movies, right?

What was the thought process before he decided to do this to himself?

One day, while sitting on his couch, he must’ve just decided:  I am going to grow hair that upsets people.  I don’t care.  My hair will grow and grow and people will resent me for it until I die.

And the job he must have!  It must be an amazing job, something that allows him to rock hair like that without fear of termination.

In fact, he must be a Wizard.

Of course!

He must be on his way home from The Upper East Side, where magic happens all the time.  A land where people live in million dollar one bedroom apartments and there are street corners without crackheads trying to sell you a tent.

All of these thoughts happened between when I saw him get on and when I had to step off at my stop.

I wanted to ask him about being a Wizard.

I wanted to ask him to teach me a spell that would make be able to do The Robot really well.

But I didn’t get the chance to.

I stepped off the train, looked back through the window and watched as the Wizard left my life forever.

He was probably going to do Wizard Business for The Good Of The World, helping the poor and assisting the needy.

Or maybe he was just going to visit his dad and turn him into a frog.


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51 responses to “spellbound

  1. Have we had the conversation where we agree that Harry Potter sucks ass? I can’t remember.


  3. Some days I have hair that upsets people. Wait, no, it’s just me that gets upset by my hair, nevermind.

    Also, I live on the UES. Should I see if I can turn people into frogs and stuff too? Cuz I’d rather use my skills for good (read: turning them into something useful, like dogs, because I don’t have a pet yet).

  4. matt

    It looks to me like there is a plethora of ugly people who ride that train.

    I’m sorry you have to endure that.

  5. Rachel

    I think you might have been standing behind Bruce Vilanch.


    In which case, you were remiss to not get his autograph.

  6. How much are the tents?

  7. i think i have that hair. homeboy just needs some product!

  8. That’s my Aunt Gemma, you bastard!

  9. While for the most part Mike Myers makes me want to murder babies, So I Married An Axe Murderer wasn’t all bad.

    I actually heard a guy do the “Yeah Baby” Austin Powers voice the other day – is he out of style or bringing something old school back in style? Please help.

  10. I totally respect you for capturing that moment on camera. I always attempt these things, but they never turn out well. I should probably investigate how to turn of the “Capture Photo” noise on my phone. My ability to be discreet will probably increase dramatically.

  11. deutlich

    Dude. That hair? It’s, like, totally the hottest thing I’ve, like, evar seen.



  12. Oops. I thought that was a woman. My bad.

  13. i didn’t realize you were perez hilton with all the “FIRST” comments.


    ok so my real comment about this post is that i LOVE how you took this pic on the train home from work.

    i think you should turn it into a weekly post. weird people i see on the train and then make up a whole story about their life.

  14. A true Chicagoian would look at him and wonder;

    “I wonder how many years he has worked on the Bozo show….”

    Oh yeah and since your blog is the next hot thing….


  15. Did he board the train from platform nine and three quarters?

    …And are you mad at me for making a lame Harry Potter joke on your blog?

  16. Dude. You should have asked the wizard to get me a goddamn iPhone!

  17. Yikes! Now I’m a girl that digs hair, but this? I just can’t get down with that. Dude needs some serious product. Frizz!

  18. melissa – No, but I totally agree. And congrats on your achievement.

    stealth – Yes, you can turn people into dogs if you want. Let me know how it goes.

    matt – Actually, you can’t see it from this pic, but just behind the guy were three hot women in business attire, so it was alright.

    rachel – Man, that dude is fucking ugly!

    justin – I’ll find out for you, I usually just walk by.

    ang – Well tell him!

    fort – Whatever – she’s a whore and you know it.

    narm – He is out of style. Completely. It stopped being okay to do that voice three minutes after that first movie premiered.

    jenn – Yes, I think that would help.

    deutlich – You want his body.

    marie – I bet he gets that all the time.

    alexa – Oh yes, I am SO famous. And that’s not a bad idea.

    inreallife – It’s not the “next” hot thing – it’s the hot thing now baby! That was dumb.

    mental – Yes. Friendship over.

    jamie – I’m sorry!

    brookem – Like a couple cans of it.

  19. ifiweretina

    Are you sure that’s a man? I definitely thought it was a woman.

    I would pin “him” more as one of the crackheads that sell tents.

  20. he reminds me of a lion i’d like to pet…

  21. If by Wizard, you really mean “guy who cleans the video booths at the porn store,” then YES!

    That man is a Wizard.

  22. I wish you had gotten a shot of his face. I’m so curious. And I have a feeling that he grew his hair like that just so you could blog about it. You don’t get into that kind of shit without wanting oodles of attention.

  23. Maybe he was in a “cover band” Those people always do crazy stuff like that.

  24. Ben

    That dude is NOT in a gay relationship, I can tell you that much.

  25. I wish I rode the train to work.

    I almost NEVER see weird people in my car with me.

  26. Hey. No one’s allowed to call her that except Uncle Wilbur.

  27. megkathleen

    Hmmm…I wonder if he looks at everybody else and thinks to himself, “Man, I bet everybody is green with envy over my hair. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY rocks hair like I do.” He probably thinks he’s the hottest thing ever.

  28. You know, a lot of guys might just let hair like that air dry and be done with it, but this guy clearly brushes it out after it’s dry, maybe every time he leaves the house, and that is a nice touch.

  29. J

    Only wizards have hair THAT redonk.

    Because only wizards can zap someone when they make fun of hair that redonk.

  30. Dude, that is not a dude. Can’t be. Looks like a butch lesbian from Slovakia (no offense to lesbians and Slovakians)

  31. ifiwere – Maybe he works with them?

    julie – Hahaha – yes!

    kristen – You are more intuitive than me.

    noelle – Damn right. His face was just normal looking – no scars or tattoos or anything.

    rs – Crazy stuff like be those losers in cover bands.

    ben – Duly noted.

    yourgirlfriend – Hahaha – well done.

    jen – Aside from when you look in the mirror! Zing!

    well-intentioned – Thanks!

    fortknocks – My bad man.

    megkathleen – I bet he does!

    megan – He’s a Caring Wizard.

    j – Now that is a good point.

    cruz – No worries, everyone knows lesbians can’t read.

  32. Now you’re hating on Mike Myers and Big Hair? Is nothing sacred anymore?

  33. I wish the end to my day was that exciting. Mine often involves idiots who like to brake for no reason with nothing in their paths for miles. Not wizards with shiny orange hair.

  34. I thought ugly people rode the bus not the train… weird.

  35. Isn’t that YOUR boyfriend?

  36. As far as I’m concerned, you’ve come face to hair with the real live, blonde version of Pat.

  37. Nat

    Quite the good Samaritan you are. Look, no one else on that ride is giving the guy the time of day, not even a slight glance, and now, dozens of people have devoted an entire day to his existence.

  38. Maybe that dude was Beck.

  39. JK

    The hair is disturbing but the way that shirt is tucked into those pants makes this he/she highly offensive.

  40. Quite possibly going to the Post Office uptown branch to track dead letters. Every P.O. or warehouse has that one guy who comes in half an hour late and everyone says “you the man, Gandalf!!!” is vaguely kind of a ****up but does a good job after a couple of bonghits and he gets the Gap Band cranked up to 11 on the company stereo.

    I’ve assumed it was a myth until now. Damn. It’s like finding a unicorn.

  41. there was a guy i used to see on the bus everyday with that exact same haircut. no joke.

    and i used to stare everyday.

  42. There are so many strange characters on public modes of transport. And don’t even get me started on the crazies who perform all day on the platform. My favorite in chicago has to be the odd asian lady, who models her look after Michael Jackson and plays violin, guitar, harmonica, sings and tap dances all at the same time. I wish I was fucking kidding!

  43. I do wonder about your brain and the way it works sometimes 🙂

    But yes, I agree with you, he is a wizard. Either that or a really bad cross dresser.

  44. Firstly, are you SURE it was a man??? (I thought it looked a bit like my mum circa 1985 for a minute).

    And secondly, hasn’t he ever HEARD of serum? I would ask if he was too much of a man to use it, but having seen the hair, he clearly isn’t THAT much of a man . . .

  45. I agree with Ben. And I really don’t think he’s dating a a woman because no woman would allow a guy to have hair like that.

    I kind of want to touch it. Ew it’s probably dirty.

  46. Wow I totally thought that was a woman. Oops. Very femmy hair. I like Beat it too but I’m more of a Smooth Criminal kind of girl.

  47. Ever wonder if people are taking pictures of you on the subway and then blogging about it?

  48. wow i can’t get over that guy’s hair. i seriously thought it was a woman stuck in the 80’s. yikes.

  49. I bet he was going home to cry and masturbate to Elf porn.

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