not worth my time

I never really got into the whole Where’s Waldo craze – and not because I don’t see the allure of the books. Mainly because I find Waldo to be kind of an asshole.

Think about what it must be like to be friends with that guy.

You’re hanging out, having a good time, you turn your back for a second and the dude is gone.

Then you spend the rest of your day asking people if they’ve seen a tall, lanky guy who tends to just stand around in one crowded-ass place with a goofy smile on his face.

And if you’re not already with him, just imagine trying to get in contact with Waldo.


Waldo doesn’t care about anyone but Waldo.

He’s traveling the world, having the time of his life, and you’re blowing up his cell, leaving voicemails that grow increasingly more angry as the hours pass by.

7:42 PM: “Yo, Waldo, my man – it’s Frank.  Me and some other dudes are heading out to the bars tonight, give me a call, trying to see if you wanna roll.”

9:58 PM: “Waldo.  It’s Frank.  Are you coming or not man?”

11:23 PM: “Dude – you fucking suck.  Where are you, the Great Barrier Reef or some stupid fucking place like that again?  Great. I’m not coming after you this time man – I’m not doing it!  Fuck you man.  Fuck you.”

Not only does Waldo always make you come find him – he always wears the same damn clothes.

Some jeans, a striped red and white long sleeve shirt and a red and white winter hat.

Every single day.

Even when you have to fly to Egypt to find his dumbass – there he is, wearing that outfit in the hot sun. What’s he trying to do – be funny?

I don’t think it’s funny.  Not at all.

I think he’s an annoying fucker who deserves to stay lost.

Where’s Waldo?

I don’t know – but I guarantee you he’s being a bitch.

(The contest is over – so go please check out the Win Something! page for all the great stories that I received.)


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49 responses to “not worth my time

  1. Cass

    Waldo is an ASSHOLE. I’m so glad someone finally had the guts to say it. I want to take that cane and break it over my knee.
    Awesome blog, it always starts my day off right!

  2. Waldo and Carmen San Diego totally need to hook up. All they’d do is look for each other.

  3. how you ever thought to write about Waldo in this way astounds me, but I am TOTALLY amused by this post.

    “I’m not coming after you this time. Fuck you, man.”

  4. Maybe Waldo had a tough childhood – did you ever think of THAT?

  5. Yes, but you keep calling, desperate for Waldo’s attention. It’s his animal allure.

  6. Matt

    I dont trust people named Waldo.

  7. Ben

    What’s he running from anyway? What could be so terrible that he feels the need to hide amidst a vampire and werewolf party? Or in that weird desert with the fire vs. water people?

    Was it an ex-girlfriend? Tax fraud? Stripey babies that he’d rather not have to provide for?

    Maybe we’ll never know.

    Oh…and re: being an asshole, I hated the one where you had to find all his stupid, tiny, coloured hats. FIND THEM YOURSELF, SHITBRICK.

  8. Waldo is a jerk.

    What kind of name is Waldo anyway?

  9. waldo is a douche!

    but – he does get to go to come pretty damn cool places.

  10. Plus those horizontal stripes are not flattering for his figure.

  11. You are missing the point – chicks dig loners. Waldo gets mad ass.

  12. I hadn’t realized you had a blog on worldpress. How very stupid of me.

    *goes to the archives*
    *starts reading*

  13. “You’re hanging out, having a good time, you turn your back for a second and the dude is gone.”


    Oh, and alice is totally right about Waldo and Carmen.

  14. My mom used to get me the knock off Waldo books–instead of Where’s Waldo, it was Find Freddie. I’m not even kidding. And Freddie? Freddie was MUCH cooler than Waldo.

  15. busypretending


    Ben cracked me up with “stripey babies he’d rather not provide for,” and I second Narm’s point on pulling chicks.

    Imagine the photo opportunities alone. Waldo’s wingman may not be a bad set-up.

  16. What always used to get me were the denizens of wannabes who couldn’t *quite* get Waldo’s outfit right. You’d think those dudes would develop their own styles. Sheesh.

  17. Whoopsie! I thought yesterday’s comment hadn’t posted! Anyway, I am enjoying myself very much.

  18. i have a friend just like waldo. he usually wears the same clothes too. he even has his own time.
    “Where’s X? He said he’d be here at 6.”
    “6 our time? or 6 X time?”
    “Oh, then he’ll be here in 3 hours.”

    and he just sneaks away. i have t get him one of those embarrassing leashes bad parents put on their children.

  19. Waldo is just lonely and confused. How dare you!

  20. cass – Hahaha – I forgot about the cane! And thanks!

    alice – That’s a great idea.

    erikka – Thanks!

    mindy – No excuses!

    john – He is rather nice looking.

    matt – A good rule to live by.

    ben – Hahaha – I see you feel the same way about the little man.

    inreallife – Thanks for that – it was awesome.

    freeandflawed – A jerk name.

    alexa – Yeah, but then he just stands there!

    mental – True that.

    narm – You think so? Maybe I should go find him…

    andy – Yup I do! And thanks for reading!

    heartbreaker – Yes she was.

    lauren – Hahaha – He just sounds cooler.

    busy – I know, I’m thinking about quitting my job.

    melissa – Yes, lazy bastards.

    andy – No worries! I’m glad you like it.

    every gym – Maybe he’ll finally learn something that way.

    rs – It’s tough love!

  21. We should all be grateful to Waldo.

    It’s plain that Waldo is in the Witness Protection Program. The mafia puts out those books and we do their dirty work of finding Waldo over and over again. Then Waldo has to uproot his family and start all over again.

    That’s the price Waldo pays for our freedom of speech.

  22. You know, it would suck for Waldo if more people started wearing that sweater. It would throw his whole game off. And be assured, it IS a game to him.

  23. OMG!!! I cracked the fuck up @Lauren’s comment. LOL! I had to go see if that Find Freddie thing was true… it is:

  24. Where’s Waldo will always remind me now of the episode of Viva La Bam where Don Vito wore a Waldo costume trying to hide from Bam in Manhattan. Classic.

  25. Waldo is just a free spirit with his own sense of style and a knack for travel. I’d hit that.

  26. megkathleen

    He probably smells bad too.

  27. If Waldo wore different clothes no-one would ever, EVER find him.

    Also, did you know that ‘Where’s Waldo?’ used to be banned in the U.S. because there’s a topless woman on one page?

    Waldo is badass!!

  28. I personally believe Waldo has a whopping i.q. of about 68.

    He’s spent his life wandering alone, not able to establish any real relationships.

    He will die alone.

    Feel better now? ^__^

  29. Jo

    I know they like to change things for the american / UK markets…but I can never understand why they bothered to change our ‘Where’s Wally’ into your ‘Where’s Waldo’. Or visa versa.

  30. I always hated Carmen Sandiego.

  31. i think i owned every ‘where’s waldo’ book there was. is that sad?

  32. That’s why encourage all kids to read only one book. It’s called the Bif Red Rock eater. It’s a joke book and one of the punchlines is “a big red red eater”. Is there really anything else you need to know?

  33. stooge – That is a very good point.

    stealth – He thinks everything is such a game – well it’s not! It’s not!

    mental – Hahaha – I know, funny as hell. And thanks for that link.

    angela – Man, I never saw that one! I used to love that show too.

    meghan – You are such a hussy!

    megkathleen – Well now you’re just being mean.

    kali – I didn’t know that! I want that book. I know, but topless women are great!

    heather – Yes, yes I do. Thanks.

    jo – That is weird – like we couldn’t figure it out if he had the same name?

    yourgirlfriend – She was a whore.

    katelin – No, it makes you interesting.

    zibbs – Nope!

  34. You’re absolutely right!

    Waldo is a total buttmuch.

  35. I saw Waldo kick a puppy once.
    And I hear he’s into midget porn.
    He’s a real piece of work, that Waldo.

  36. Waldo is a pain in the but, however the real bitch is that Carmen SanDiego. She had you chasing her all over the damn world and right when you think you caught her, she takes off in a freakin’ helicopter. At least Waldo would sit by the beach and wait for your ass.

  37. OK, Chris… even though I LOVED “Where’s Waldo?” books as a kid, I LOVE this post! Hilarious!!!

    My new favorite!! 🙂

  38. He is the worst wingman ever, because women never even notice he’s there, and then you’re the crazy fucker with an imaginary friend trying to run game. And that only works like, never.

  39. It is his “fuck you” attitude that makes you want to hang with him more.

    He’s like an addiction. I look for him everywhere.

  40. What I want to know is why he just doesn’t wear camo. It would make things a hell of a lot easier for him.

  41. JK

    I never got the Where’s Waldo craze either. What was that kids magazine they used to put them in? Hallmarks or something like that? Do you know what I’m talking about?

  42. Waldo should be fat because he is always just standing there like a doofus. And what’s up with just wanting to blend in? Totally lame.

  43. tiedtogetherwithasmile

    Loved this, I also hate Waldo. In grade school people would be all “let’s find waldo, where’s waldo” and I was like “who the eff cares tell his lame ass to stay hidden. stupid hat, its august.”

  44. 1. I used to LOVE those books
    2. Where does your crazy ass brain come up with this stuff??

  45. I always thought Waldo was pretty wack. I mean, does anyone actually know someone named Waldo? I know I don’t…

    I didn’t like the books, but when I did “read” them I wasn’t looking for Waldo. I would look at the random ass shit that people were doing…now that’s entertainment!

  46. kristen – Let’s not invite him out anymore.

    whiskey – Damn! Midget porn? But wait, I thought you like that stuff too?

    dolce – Very true.

    jen – Thanks!

    pistols – You’d be going home alone every night for sure.

    twink – Hahaha – you love him! Does your husband know???

    pointful – I think it’s because he really is just that much of an ass.

    jk – Was it Highlights?

    m – Totally lame. I agree.

    tied – You figured it out before I did!

    nicole – 1) A lot of people did, I know. 2) I have no idea and I think it’s better that way.

    lboogie – Yes!

  47. I spent a lot of time as a kid looking for Waldo. And I’m glad someone beat me to giving you the Waldo Ultimatum link, because I’m too lazy to find it myself.

  48. m.

    ah, so good to read this funny post on a friday morning at work.

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