This weekend Ari and I will be going to West Virginia to be in the wedding of two of our best friends, and this means two things:
1) I will be drinking Too Much and yelling about sports with all the other groomsman, which means I will be Happy.
2) I will be driving us there, which means I get to showcase my Expert Driving Skills.
I like to consider myself The Best Driver In America.
I say America because I think there might be some Europeans who can drive better than me, because Europeans smoke long, skinny cigarettes and wear tight jeans and say things like “Bollocks!” which is all very Weird Because It’s Different, so it wouldn’t surprise me if there were a couple of them who were more skilled than me.
But here in the states, I am The Best.
Some people can paint amazing portraits, some people can cook decadent meals, I can drive the fuck out of a car.
Whenever I’m behind the wheel, I laugh at the other fools on the road.
The grandma driving the speed limit? Ha!
The young man who thinks I don’t have the time or space to make my move? Ha!
I time my passes perfectly – effortlessly weaving between cars and their stunned drivers, who I’m sure are thinking, “Oh my! Such grace! Such beauty! The finest example of driving I’ve ever witnessed!” Either that or, “Dear god that guy almost killed us!”
I don’t even use my blinkers because I change lanes so swiftly that they are a waste of my time.
Then, when it comes time to park, you will not find a more able parallel parker my friends.
If you happen to get the privilege of being in the car with me when I park, please note the day and the time, because it will be a moment to mark your life by.
You’ll be sitting there, still marveling how we “Made amazing time!” when suddenly we’ll be parked perfectly. Then we’ll laugh and laugh about how great things are and maybe sing along to some Frankie Goes To Hollywood.
Driving is something I take great pride in.
Yes, since I’ve moved to New York I haven’t driven in years and years, but it is a skill I can pull out and impress others with at any time, kind of like my ability to recite The Big Lebowski quotes at dinner parties.
This weekend I get to put my skills back on the road, and even though Ari rolls her eyes every time I bring up the subject of me being The Best Driver In America, she knows the truth deep inside and it makes her happy.
I just know it.
(The winner has been announced! Check it out on the Win Something page)