on the road again

This weekend Ari and I will be going to West Virginia to be in the wedding of two of our best friends, and this means two things:

1) I will be drinking Too Much and yelling about sports with all the other groomsman, which means I will be Happy.

2) I will be driving us there, which means I get to showcase my Expert Driving Skills.

I like to consider myself The Best Driver In America.  

I say America because I think there might be some Europeans who can drive better than me, because Europeans smoke long, skinny cigarettes and wear tight jeans and say things like “Bollocks!” which is all very Weird Because It’s Different, so it wouldn’t surprise me if there were a couple of them who were more skilled than me.

But here in the states, I am The Best.

Some people can paint amazing portraits, some people can cook decadent meals, I can drive the fuck out of a car.

Whenever I’m behind the wheel, I laugh at the other fools on the road.

The grandma driving the speed limit?  Ha!

The young man who thinks I don’t have the time or space to make my move?  Ha!

I time my passes perfectly – effortlessly weaving between cars and their stunned drivers, who I’m sure are thinking, “Oh my!  Such grace!  Such beauty!  The finest example of driving I’ve ever witnessed!”  Either that or, “Dear god that guy almost killed us!”

I don’t even use my blinkers because I change lanes so swiftly that they are a waste of my time. 

Then, when it comes time to park, you will not find a more able parallel parker my friends.

If you happen to get the privilege of being in the car with me when I park, please note the day and the time, because it will be a moment to mark your life by.

You’ll be sitting there, still marveling how we “Made amazing time!” when suddenly we’ll be parked perfectly.  Then we’ll laugh and laugh about how great things are and maybe sing along to some Frankie Goes To Hollywood.

Driving is something I take great pride in.

Yes, since I’ve moved to New York I haven’t driven in years and years, but it is a skill I can pull out and impress others with at any time, kind of like my ability to recite The Big Lebowski quotes at dinner parties.

This weekend I get to put my skills back on the road, and even though Ari rolls her eyes every time I bring up the subject of me being The Best Driver In America, she knows the truth deep inside and it makes her happy.

I just know it.


(The winner has been announced!  Check it out on the Win Something page)


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49 responses to “on the road again

  1. I need to say “Bollocks!” more I think.

  2. Ari ought to be very proud.

  3. I won’t deny that you are the best, but I will say that I am good. Sometimes on the weekend Boo lets me drive his car and he marvels at my amazing driving skills. And at how every time I get behind the wheel and realize how badly other people suck at driving that I am inevitably yelling out “Damn chick drivers!”

  4. Do you even drive a manual? Cause I know a chick, who you also know, who drives a manual like a mo fo? She’ll drive circles around my friend… circles!

  5. Europeans have no idea how to drive – look at how small their countries are! They are like – hey I’m going to drive all the way across Europe – be back in 20 minutes.

    I am good at geography.

  6. There’s no end to your mad skilz.

  7. oh man, WV (by the grace of god… hahaha)
    enjoy your Super Red weekend… if you get lost and end up in VA let me know : )

    … and what respectable 25-35yr old CAN’T recite Lebowski? c’mon man that’s weak

  8. Did you recognize this skill in drivers ed or was it something that developed over time? Wait what am I saying? I’m sure once the teacher recognized your obvious talent he sat back and let you teach the class.

  9. So, YOU’RE the guy we flip off on the interstate???

  10. West Virginia! Have fun with that.

  11. When you do drive to West Virginia this weekend, make sure to roll down your window and scream things out the window such as “bullocks” while you smoke your thin cigarette, wearing your tight jeans of course.

  12. Deutlich

    I’m going to have to second Mental360’s comment. This chick he refers to has the skill of a German on the Autobahn.

    And parallel parking? Pffftt… a child’s game.

  13. I trust you, but just let me know when you’re on the road so I can get off of it.

  14. I don’t care if the guys I date are GOOD at driving, I just care that they LIKE to drive. And they don’t kill me. See, I hate driving, so whenever I date someone who insists on driving us everywhere, I’m like “are you sure?OKAWESOME.”

    Ari should be happy you love driving, even if you’re actually not that good at it.

  15. Hahahaha… Driving. I have taken 2 driving lessons of about 10 days each. And I still don’t master the art of driving. Well, when I was with the instructor I did great. But when I drive with my parents (who have to judge whether I get the car or not) I get lousy. Weird.

  16. matt

    European drivers are better because their cars are far superior.

  17. You sound just like my Godfather. he puts the fear of God in me when he takes me out in the car. It’s like Extreme Driving: Risking Life & Limb.

    They should video that shit…

  18. Nobody fucks with the Jesus!

  19. I’m sure people flipping you the bird on the way are just jealous of your skills. It has nothing to do with the lacking signals. They love that part.

  20. I can’t compete. I’m just going to stick in the right lane, going 5 MPH slower than the speed limit.

  21. kristen – Of course you do!

    dutchess – Oh she is alright!

    stealth – Yelling at others is always a sign of Being Better Than Them.

    yourgirlfriend – Either one!

    mental – Oh yes, my last car before I moved here was a manual. I will challenge her!

    narm – Hahaha – yes you are my friend.

    melissa – None!

    jenny – Not weak! But I’m glad you can appreciate the classic movies.

    lissa – Exactly!

    shelly – Yes.

    arielle – I will of course.

    marie – I’ll see what I can do.

    deutlich – I challenge you! Do you have a car, cause I don’t.

    allthewine – Sure thing.

    mindy – We’d get along great then.

    andy – You must resist their judging eyes!

    matt – That is very true.

    kali – Hahaha – I’d watch it.

    jen – What is this bullshit? The Jesus don’t care! I would have fucked you in the ass Saturday, I fuck you in the ass next Wednesday!

    meghan – Sooooo jealous.

    noelle – I will try not to laugh as I zoom by.

  22. I can’t wait to hear about the driving!

  23. uhh…you don’t use blinkers!?!?!? that would drive me crazy!! (aren’t puns fun?)

  24. It does make me happy. Because you never make me drive. Which means I can sleep.

  25. Hey Buddy, What’s with the random Capitalization going on here? You a Fan of Hunter S. Thompson or something?
    SMB2 rocks.

  26. I challenge you to take on my husband. He can do all of that…in a big ol’ truck.

    Eat it

  27. I can’t drive. I almost caused an accident this morning. Well, it may or may have not been my fault. But as I drove off from an intersection, two cars almost hit each other, so I suspect I did something.

  28. You are only a real driver if you are driving a manual. Otherwise, you are merely well…a complete joke in the world of driving.

    If you are driving a manual, I commend you , young lad, you are the best in the land.

    If not, well…you’re a pussy?

  29. So when I see someone weaving in and out of traffic without turn signals and I wonder to myself, “Does that guy think he’s the Best Driver in America or something?” the answer is yes, that’s exactly what he’s thinking. You’re scary.

  30. you’re, like, such a guy. and i will totally challenge you to a stick-off.

  31. megkathleen

    Sooooo I think I am a good driver (even though my passengers claim they are fearful for their life), but I wouldn’t say I’m the best…are you giving lessons?

  32. The only points deducted on my driving test were for parallel parking TOO close to the curb. No, I didn’t hit the curb, either. I was docked for being TOO good. The DMV just can’t handle my shit.

  33. Be careful driving in West Virginia. That’s where all the horror movies are set.

  34. alexis – It will be a tale of wonders!

    almost – Puns are great!

    ari – I figured you say something like that.

    john – I actually never read any Thompson. I always thought I got it from A.A. Milne.

    inreallife – I ain’t scared!

    hollywood – Hahaha – The cops are soooo looking for you right now.

    m – Oh yes – I prefer manual!

    megan – Yes, yes it is. And we can still be friends, right?

    gina – I’ll see you in Texas! Bring your driving gloves.

    megkathleen – Of course. I feel that you’ll be a star pupil.

    mickey – Hahaha – that is fucking awesome.

    jessica – I know, I went to college there. Can I count on you to help me out if I get attacked?

  35. Jo

    My boyfriend likes to think he’s a rally driver as soon as he gets behind the wheel. Which would be cool, if the car wasn’t my car and he wasn’t going “Look! Next to us at the lights! He wants a drag race! Let’s race”

    No, love, let’s not.

  36. Oh man, I miss driving like crazy. My dad used to be a racecar driver, and I’ve perfected the art of driving like the world’s safest asshole driver. My friend will apply eye makeup while I’m throwing a car from lane to lane on I-90 while going at LEAST 80mph.

    Man….now I need to go driving. Thanks a LOT.

  37. suggestion 1: drink jack daniel’s. it usually makes me act more insane than normal at weddings.

    suggestion 2: scream bollocks whenever you have the chance while at said wedding.

  38. Two questions:

    (1) How well would you do in a car chase?
    (2) Can you outmaneuver the police?

    If the answer to both of these questions is yes, we should talk privately sometime. Otherwise, I was only asking hypothetically.

  39. I am offended that every time you go to WV I am out of town. This is ridiculous!

  40. I might have you beat at parallel parking. I probably am the best in the world.

  41. should we get you a driving medal? or a sticker for the car saying “watch out, best and most bad ass driver in america.” i bet people would move out of your way for that one.

  42. I loathe driving but I will challenge you to a parallel parking contest any time!

  43. Echidnagirl

    Bollocks is ok but you should add in some “Oh, bugger” as well for authenticity.

  44. Dude, I just drove in Manhattan and NJ last weekend and let me tell you, there is NO WAY that the best driver in America could live there. People were actively trying to drive into me.

  45. But can you drink a beer and smoke a doobie while driving like Lebowski?

    PS- seeing that I love random, isn’t that one of the greatest movies of all time? The quotes are outstanding.

    “I’m telling you man, the chinaman, he pissed on my rug!”

  46. jo – He really is!

    big time – Sorry.

    julie – I will do both and then tell people who question me to go to your blog.

    stoogepie – I’ll email you.

    maxie – I know! I’ll be in Shepherdstown on Friday and Morgantown on Sat and Sun.

    felicia – Lets take it to the streets.

    katelin – Yes!

    twink – I’ll be in BMore in 4 hours.

    echid – I’ll make sure to do that.

    nancypearl – You’ve got to toughen up!

    dan – Top 5 movies of all time, no doubt.

  47. deutlich

    I totally have a car and i will SO WHOOP YOU.

  48. Pingback: Bookmarks about Parallel

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