When Things Go Wrong, I am usually the type of man to note it, and then promptly move on to things that don’t make me have to think or move too much.
But there is something happening in the world today that I cannot stand any longer – the downfall of Brad Pitt.
His girlfriend, Angelina Jolie (or as I like to call her, Devil Woman) has beaten and crushed the once dashing actor into a shell of a man, with the latest assault being the birth of twins.
I miss the real Brad.
I miss Fight Club Brad. I miss Snatch Brad. You remember him, don’t you? He was a brilliant actor, and he still had some sort of soul behind his eyes.
Look at him – he was still alive! That was Brad before Devil Woman stabbed his heart with her poisonous ways, snatching up babies faster than she made shitty movies, all the while somehow convincing the world that Brad was okay with this.
Trust me, he’s not.
Brad is dead inside.
You looked into Angelina’s eyes didn’t you??? You fool! You must break free from her spell! Think happy thoughts – puppies, Count Chocula, anything!
Now look at Brad and see how broken that man is. That is not the picture of A Man Who Is Okay With Things.
Well, I’ve had enough. It’s time to rescue Brad from the clutches of Devil Woman. Who’s with me?
Now mind you, this is no easy task. Devil Woman’s ways are cunning and if you get captured, she will use Extreme And Disgusting Torture, such as chaining you to a chair in front of a TV and putting Gone In Sixty Seconds on repeat for days and days.
But if you are strong and you have a sound mind, here’s the plan: We sneak into their lair. I grab Brad and start slapping him repeatedly to try and break the spell, while you distract Devil Woman by waving a brown baby doll in her face and telling her that, “It needs you, just look at it, all brown and little…”
Then you throw the doll in the air, and when Angelina goes to catch it, we run like hell with Brad in tow.
It’s time to do something about this travesty.
It’s time to take Brad Pitt back.
It’s time to make things right again.
(If you have some time, please check me out at Free and Flawed (a great blog), where I have a guest post today about the wonders of texting. It’s worth your time – I promise! Also, tomorrow I will be out of town, so I have another amazing guest post lined up for you, so please check back then and show some love.)