call of duty

When Things Go Wrong, I am usually the type of man to note it, and then promptly move on to things that don’t make me have to think or move too much.

But there is something happening in the world today that I cannot stand any longer – the downfall of Brad Pitt.

His girlfriend, Angelina Jolie (or as I like to call her, Devil Woman) has beaten and crushed the once dashing actor into a shell of a man, with the latest assault being the birth of twins.

I miss the real Brad.

I miss Fight Club Brad.  I miss Snatch Brad.  You remember him, don’t you?  He was a brilliant actor, and he still had some sort of soul behind his eyes.

Look at him – he was still alive!  That was Brad before Devil Woman stabbed his heart with her poisonous ways, snatching up babies faster than she made shitty movies, all the while somehow convincing the world that Brad was okay with this.

Trust me, he’s not.

Brad is dead inside.

Look.

Wait!

You looked into Angelina’s eyes didn’t you???  You fool!  You must break free from her spell!  Think happy thoughts – puppies, Count Chocula, anything!

Better?

Okay.

Now look at Brad and see how broken that man is.  That is not the picture of A Man Who Is Okay With Things.

Well, I’ve had enough.  It’s time to rescue Brad from the clutches of Devil Woman.  Who’s with me?

Now mind you, this is no easy task.  Devil Woman’s ways are cunning and if you get captured, she will use Extreme And Disgusting Torture, such as chaining you to a chair in front of a TV and putting Gone In Sixty Seconds on repeat for days and days.

But if you are strong and you have a sound mind, here’s the plan:  We sneak into their lair.  I grab Brad and start slapping him repeatedly to try and break the spell, while you distract Devil Woman by waving a brown baby doll in her face and telling her that, “It needs you, just look at it, all brown and little…”

Then you throw the doll in the air, and when Angelina goes to catch it, we run like hell with Brad in tow.

It’s time to do something about this travesty.

It’s time to take Brad Pitt back.

It’s time to make things right again.

 

(If you have some time, please check me out at Free and Flawed (a great blog), where I have a guest post today about the wonders of texting.  It’s worth your time – I promise!  Also, tomorrow I will be out of town, so I have another amazing guest post lined up for you, so please check back then and show some love.)

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66 Comments

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66 responses to “call of duty

  1. Boo Berry always gets me out of a funk.

  2. First off, Angelina Jolie saved him from that goodie goodie Jennifer Aniston, which was a banner day for all of us smart, sexy, outcast girls. For that I will always love her.

    Down with cheerleaders!

    Up with smart sexy girls!

  3. Ben

    I’ll distract Angelina with butterfly kisses.

  4. How could he not be happy when he has a flock of children to keep him awake all the time?!

  5. Goose

    Count Chocula?! You truly know happiness, and it is in every chocolatey bowl of marshmellowy goodness. Ok no, it’s not “healthy” but damn it would relieve any man from the clutches of evil!!! Or Sucubi such as that of Angelina…

  6. While you’re at it, don’t you think you should liberate Katie Holmes too?

  7. matt

    Men change after they adopt/have 7 or more children.

    He may be past the point of no return.

  8. Deutlich

    Brad needs help. Seriously.

  9. This rescue has been beyond necessary for quite some time.

    Count me in.

  10. When you find Brad, please tell him he owes me child support payments.

    Thank you.

    Fucking deadbeat.

  11. You know, I used to think Brad was a Dreamy Hunk. Then he got sucked in by, as you SO appropriately named her, Devil Woman, and he lost some hotness. I’m scrappy. I’ll help you take down DW.

  12. There is a possibility that Brad will need an orgasm to get out of the trace she has put him in, I volunteer to help him out with that. You know, should that be necessary.

  13. Remember when Angelina had a vial of Billy Bob’s blood around her neck?

    Maybe she’s carrying Brad’s balls in her handbag.

  14. Or in her diaper bag…

  15. First off, I give you so much stripes and cool points for referencing Snatch! That flick is a classic!

    Secondly, I think it’s gonna take much more than a brown baby doll to distract that succubus! We need something more real, like Gary Coleman or Webster to act like a baby.

  16. I’m sorry, what was this post about?…I was thinking about Fight Club Brad…….mmmmm…..abs……huh? where am ?…..Tuesday?

  17. okay, count chocula is Bad Ass! i love that shit.

    and as far as i’m concerned we can lock both of them in a box and drop them into the ocean. i’m not impressed by either of them, never have been. i think there are many men WAY more handsome than BP (and he’s got those thin lips). and i’m sorry but i just don’t see how she’s viewed as attractive. i guess i’ll never get it. to me she’s scary. and the fact that everyone thinks so highly of her makes me want to punch people…
    sorry, the subject of these two gets me fired up. i could go one for hours

  18. DUUUUUUDE! Thankfully someone else has seen the truth, a man no less. Every other guy seems to have fallen into the lazer-beam eye trap that Brad succumbed to. But I have ALWAYS seen through her slanted try-to-be-sexy-but-always-looking-evil eyes.

    I am totally packing my ninja gear RIGHT. NOW.

  19. ps. see my post of today to see just how awesome Brad used to be…

  20. meh. i hate angelina. it always amazes me that she is only 32. she looks acts and dresses like someone ten years older.

    im not a huge jennifer aniston fan but what angelina did to her and brad just pisses me off.

    death the the devil woman!

    and, all her movies suck.

  21. I’ll take Angelina. Seriously, the girl is FINE. I wouldn’t mind being dead inside for her…

  22. your girlfriend – Eh, I need my chocolate.

    melissa – No! She is NOT smart and sexy, she’s a fucking idiot. Plus, she HAS A FLAT ASS. Case closed.

    ben – Hahaha – Excellent.

    liz – I know, right?

    goose – Damn right.

    lynne – Yeah, but I don’t care about Cruise, so she can rot.

    matt – Noooooooooooo!!!!!

    deutlich – So you’re in?

    beth – Nice!

    kristen – He’s been brainwashed, so you need to cut him some slack – for now.

    stealth – Sweet. I knew I could count on you.

    dutchess – Hahaha – I was waiting for someone to say something like that.

    kristen – Yes! See Melissa? Moron’s do stuff like that.

    mental – Hahaha – well, I’m pretty sure Coleman could use some work so it won’t be too hard to convince him.

    inreallife – I have abs just like he did. But Brad’s abs are gone – so you need to help!

    jenny – Jolie is not hot. I agree about that, but Pitt is an awesome actor, so I have to disagree there.

    erikka – Yes! Ninja gear is definitely needed.

    alexa – Yup, every single one of them. She’s terrible.

    kali – Hmmm… two women? Sounds good to me!

  23. Someone’s been reading my US Weekly again…

  24. Yup, I see it. She’s sucked his soul out. I bet you she cackles at night and turns into an evil monster like the ones from the new Hellboy movie.

  25. Miz

    I can’t decide if my favorite part of this post is the content, or the tags!

  26. Brad looks as tired as I would expect a parent to look and he totally reinforces my decision to be barren, but she just keeps looking like she’s ready for more. How is that possible? Has she aged at all? I don’t like it. It’s creepy.

  27. i was under her spell. i never even realize any of this until your post.

    thank you for awakening me to DW.

    poor brad’s dead eyes.

  28. I’m in 100%.

    Oh, poor Brad. What happened? Didn’t he even watch Fight Club.

    He may resist when we try to save him. But he will come around after he has been out of the clutches of Devil Woman for a while and he realizes he came this close to brain death. That day will be the most beautiful day of Brad Pitt’s life. His breakfast will taste better than any meal you and I have ever tasted.

  29. So the plan is after you leave with Brad I get to have my way with Angelina, right? I am willing to guess I wouldn’t be able to handle her – but what a way to go.

  30. Angelina is hot. What was this post about? I am mesmerized.

  31. a) What was the last movie he made?
    b) Team Jennifer

    The free-Brad plan is foolproof. I’m sure of it.

  32. I wholeheartedly agree. Angelina is no good for him. Bring back Jennifer Aniston!

  33. If you need a “safe house” to store Mr. Pitt, I volunteer mine. Dead eyes or no, I’ll help him forget Angie and their 47 children through my special deprogramming tactics involving naked wrestling and fornication WITHOUT procreation.

  34. I’ll lure him back to the real world (or my loins) with three simple words.

    Birth.Control.Pill.

  35. he looks like he’s thoughtfully trying to hold in a fart….still sexy

  36. Dude, count me in!

    And I thought he and Jennifer Aniston were the cutest couple together…

  37. Some one need to tell Brad he is not his khaki pants….

    does no one remember than Angelina is INSANE and wore a vial of Billy Bob’s bloor around her neck. and totally lingering kissed her ug brother?

    finfact: in fightclub when brad is riding that bicycle around the house in his robe, hits a walland flies over the handlebars…that was an accident and they just decided to keep it in there.

    swoon.

  38. that was frought with typos.

    i like to say frought.

    http://www.groundedfitness.com

  39. But remember, he did Meet Joe Black before he ever heard of Angelina Jolie. So there was a time when he wasn’t the be all end all of cool.

  40. ari – I have not!

    marie – I bet you’re right.

    miz – How about both? And thanks!

    megan – Maybe she’s a robot? A Devil Robot! !!!

    heartbreaker – I try and help people. That’s what I do.

    stoogpie – Yes it will, yes it will.

    narm – It would be great and I wish you luck.

    rs – No! Not one of my favorite bloggers!

    heather – I figured as much, I’ve been constructing the plan for years.

    arielle – I’m not pro-Jen, just anti-angelina.

    whiskey – Hahaha – I’d like to know more about these tactics of yours.

    meghan – I think that’s a better plan than mine.

    sarah – Hahaha – if all men were that lucky.

    jen – Yes! Be strong Jen!

    everygym – Really? I didn’t know that. Thanks! You are forgiven for your typos. Frought.

    noelle – Hmmm… you are a thinking kinda person, huh?

  41. Jo

    mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

    I want Brad Snatch Pitt back too. He was bloody hot in that film.

    Still is hot for an old man though.

  42. I don’t know…I might be 0ver him anyway.

    I mean, I’d still do him. But…well you know what I’m talking about.

  43. This totally calls for a letter writing campaign.

  44. You might be in the only man in America who doesn’t love Angelina. Be honest, would you still bone her?

  45. megkathleen

    I am sooo in! It’s about time somebody took action. Just tell me the time and place and I’m there.

  46. I miss “Awesome Brad Pitt” – as opposed to “Vag-Attacked Brad Pitt.”

  47. i agree. we need to save brad.

    sadly, i will not be able to participate in the rescue mission. c’mon, i DID look at her eyes first before brad’s in that picture. i couldn’t imagine what she’d do in person. i’d be completely useless

  48. YES! For the sake of all women out there, Brad must be brought back to the land of the living.

  49. The best scene in Meet Joe Black is where he gets hit by a car. Seriously, I watched it with my mum. In slow-motion. Three times.

    He still looks hot though, so I’m totally in on the whole “let’s save Brad” plot.

    Oh and Snatch is awesome

  50. You can now defrost that special meal because you’ve been added to my very important blogroll on my very important blog.

  51. Holy shit, you’re totally right.

    AskAlice–I also reviewed that scene, about twice as many times as you did.

    I imagine he loves making Oceans movie with George Clooney–it’s like his fantasy life that he would be living. Now he’s got the colors of UB constantly pulling on him, and she’s…she’s just…she’s hot, I’m sorry. Kinda scary these days, but I have to love Lara Croft.

    He shouldn’t have cheated on his wife. Tyler Durden wouldn’t do that. Or would he?

  52. Very noble of you. I’ve always felt that at least Brad Pitt isn’t Tom Cruise. If he ever goes as far as Loony Tom, maybe someone should consider a mercy-killing.

  53. Hahaha.. I’m in. If I can nurse Brad back to health.

  54. oh i agree. sure, he’s older now but he looks so worn out. maybe it’s the half dozen kids running around.

  55. I think you just wrote this as an excuse to look at lots of pictures of Brad Pitt.

  56. Echidnagirl

    Boo Berry was always my favorite – loved that little blue ghost.

    On a serious note, I’m not a health care pro but I think Angelina has a problem and it trying to fill some kind of void by adopting/having all these kids to whom she can’t possibly devote anywhere near a healthy amount of time and attention. But because she does all this other humanitarian stuff instead of going all Britany Spears, the world just thinks this equally out-of-control Angelina behavior is admirable instead of deplorable.

  57. longredcape

    Angelina and Brad have been dead to me ever since he got divorced from Jennifer Aniston.

    HOMEWRECKERS!!!!

  58. Devil Woman has had Devil Twins?! Dear God, what has this world come to?

  59. Plus he’s grown a goatee. Thats the Devils work right there.

  60. I grab Brad and start slapping him repeatedly to try and break the spell, while you distract Devil Woman by waving a brown baby doll in her face and telling her that, “It needs you, just look at it, all brown and little…”

    Then you throw the doll in the air, and when Angelina goes to catch it, we run like hell with Brad in tow.

    Although this quote absolutely made my day, you are forgetting the Madonna factor. You’d have to be very careful to do this in a controlled environment to avoid the Angelina take-down. Madonna would push Angelina’s face in the dirt before stealing the brown baby and telling everyone Angelina and Brad told her to.

  61. I’ll distract her in a Hallowe’en costume with a Unicef box.
    “Children need your help!”

  62. Is it wrong that the two of them make the ideal love sandwich to me?! I just want to lie between them… They’re so pretty…

  63. All that compassion … seems so unnatural … it just gives me the creeps.

  64. Caz

    I’m so in on this with you! And don’t worry having somehow managed (unfortunately and not-by-choice) to see Gone in 60 Seconds about 15 times in my life, I will be impervious to Devil Woman’s torture and we will be able to rescue Brad oh-so-effectively.

    It’ll be great!

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