under my skin

Hello everyone! Chris is having a spa vacation, getting facials and having his eyebrows waxed and his heels exfoliated and he asked me, Melissa Lion of Recovering Californian fame, to post for him. He also asked to borrow my fluffy pink robe and some pointers on “girl talk,” both of which I gladly gave him.

Because Chris has built a whole blogging empire on describing things that drive him nuts, I thought for my guest post, I’d add my two cents. I thought I’d identify new annoying things because perhaps these things are underrepresented. Maybe there are a few blog readers who are sitting there thinking, well, I love this blog, but what about the things that make me want to throw bricks and inanimate objects? What about the things that drive me nuts? Okay, that might be just me who feels that way. And I also might have the thought that Chris should post a picture of him with his shirt off. Maybe after his spa trip, he’ll share that.

Things that drive me nuts:

Renee Zellweger

What the fuck is she so pinchy about? What is so damn wrong in her life that she always looks like she just drank a pint of cat piss, and enjoyed it the tiniest bit? I’d like to believe she looks like that all the time because the war in Iraq isn’t going quite the way she’d like, or maybe the injustice that a book as seminal as The Bridges of Madison County never reached the status of, say, the Guttenberg Bible, but I’m fairly sure her face is permanently in ass-pucker mode because she not only slept with, but married a guy in a puka shell necklace.

Physical Affection

I’m not so into the touching. Particularly when I don’t know the person. Please don’t fake-slug me in a solidarity way, like, “hey, wasn’t that funny when I said that thing about The New Yorker’s Obama cover?” Um, it would have been a lot funnier if you hadn’t touched me. I don’t want to hug after the first time I meet someone. Sure we got along great, but if I hug you, some of your cells and hair and dander might be on me. Once we know each other for several years, then perhaps a hug is in order. Like at a funeral.

Exiting Public Restrooms

I’m not a germaphobe. I wash my hands after using the restroom, but I don’t use a paper towel to open the door, and I don’t use my elbow. I press the door open in the appropriate place with my hand. For a few reasons, 1) Enough people use paper towels to open the door that I’m fairly certain it’s clean by the time I get there 2) Enough people use their elbow that I don’t need to worry about their hands. However, seeing people contort themselves to avoid a potentially germy restroom door, makes me question my own tactics. I mean if it’s important enough to look like a jackass, well, maybe I’m in the wrong. Maybe I’m the one who’s a dumbass. What can I say, I always seek out an opportunity to be self-reflective.

Inflatable things

It’s just impossible to ever get them fully inflated. Impossible. The valve must close. And then ugh, that critical teaspoon of air escapes and the thing that’s supposed to be rock solid is squishy like an overripe peach and goddamn it, there is nothing you can do.

Sitting in the passenger seat in a parked, but on, car while the driver fiddles with the heater/ air conditioning / music selection.

These things are supposed to be done while driving.

Gritty Bits in My Sheets

One day (soon) when I’m a millionaire, I’m going to be a humanitarian. I’m going to travel to a third-world country and buy an orphan and bring him back to the states and show him how democracy works. He’ll live in deluxe accommodations in the basement, kept warm by the water heater; he’ll learn to read by cooking elaborate meals from expensive, inaccessible cookbooks for me and my family (he can totally eat the leftovers); and he’ll get his exercise by carrying me around town on a Chesterfield filled with feathers and draped with gold tapestry while my admirers throw gilded lilies at my feet. He’ll also change my sheets daily because as soon as I feel the smallest, tiniest little thing in my bed, I can’t sleep. I’m up and itchy and crying because Mumsie and Dadsie NEVER let their baby girl sleep in day old sheets and WHAT HAS MY LIFE BECOME???!?? Okay, I just get annoyed and then fall asleep thinking about what I’ll name my personal third-world orphan – Hope? McKenzie? Joe?

Okay, I think that’s it. Except I also hate the commercials on commercial radio, gristly meat, when mechanics tell me to “smile,” and melons. Maybe the next time Chris goes out of town, we can cover those other things, or maybe Chris will return and do a post about them as a form of thanks for the pink kitten-heeled bedroom slippers I lent him.


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25 responses to “under my skin

  1. Anyone, including a photographer, who tells me to smile is about to get a punch. It is so condescending. I hate it!

  2. But Zellweger is such a good actress! Who cares if she’s not all sorts of smooshy beautiful.

    Kudos to the inflatable things … it’s true: they’re never quite finished, are they?

  3. Agreed. Zellweger does always have a pinched pissed off look to her. Notice how her bones seriously began jutting out when she got super skinny? Ick.

    Mckenzie sounds good for your third-world orphan kid.

  4. I’m with you on the public restroom thing. Especially at work when there’s really not that many of us even using the bathroom. Safe to say we’re probably okay to avoid the herky jerky open door dance.

  5. If you want, I’ll lend you my third world orphan. You know, so you can take him for a test drive.

    I named him Taco.


    It’s appropriate.

  6. I have seen WAAAAAY too many people not wash their hands to open the door the way it was designed to be opened. Ughhh I use my shoulder to shove it open.

  7. Rachel

    3rd world orphans aren’t all they’re cracked up to be..it took too long for mine to stop going outside to defecate and he thought that he was supposed to weave a rug from the toilet paper. I sent him back.

  8. I just carry around Purell everywhere I go. I have to take off my sanitary mittens to put it on most of the time, but that’s ok – at least I know only I touch them.

    Great post – I’m off to scrub every last layer of external skin off. Who knows what has touched my keyboard lately…

  9. Dutchess: Or what about if you’re just walking on the street and someone does it? Ack.

    John: That’s fine if she’s a great actress, and no one needs to be beautiful, but she just looks so unpleasant all the time. Like she’d shiv you for not smiling on command.

    Marie: She has lollipop head.

    Stealth: But doesn’t it sort of make you nervous, a little?

    Kristen: Taco = Brilliant.

    Kali: I know, but I just can’t do it. I have to push with my hand, as scared as I am, I just do it.

    Rachel: You beat him first, right?

    Ask Alice: Have your orphan do it for you.

  10. Deutlich

    I really can’t get down w/the physical shit either. Cuz no.

  11. So, I’m glad someone else thinks RZ looks weird. She may be totally skinny, which I am the COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF, so I shouldn’t judge, but her cheeks always look chipmumk-ish to me…..maybe she’s pursed to try to minimize the cheeks? She seems sweet enough, but I just don’t GET the hype.

    Another person who has alot of hype that I don’t get is Cameron Diaz………she’s plucky and all, but she’s not all that pretty……

    I must confess that I’m an elbow, paper-towel door bathroom exiter. I work in an office where people come to work barfing and hacking up a lung, and I really REALLY don’t want to share with them.

  12. Melissa, you are hilarious.

    Also, you would get along great with my mom, who has hugged me four times in my life.

  13. Zellwegger, so much ugg, so little room to stuff it all. I met her in Detroit when she was dating a white stripe. She looks like a human squirrel that ate an animal squirrel but didn’t have room for the whole thing and stuffed it in her cheeks for later. Throw up!

  14. I don’t hug either. Except I do hug Dave Allen (from Gang of Four, because I don’t know if the internet knows, but I travel in rad luminary circles) and I like hugging him. He smells nice.

    AAAANND…..I shake out the sheets every day before making the bed. It’s just part of the making the bed process, and then I have to have clean lotioned feet before getting into the bed. And lip balm.

    I’m annoying myself now.

  15. The sheeets. I thought I was the only one in the world who couldnt stand dirty sheets.

  16. Cool, we both hate the same things. And when an acquaintance touches you, it’s not physical affection, it’s pawing.

  17. Deutlich: I always like meeting people who won’t touch me. Yay for a force field!

    Shelly: God, I totally forgot old Cameron Diaz. So true. So true.

    Fort: Mine too! It’s where I get it from.

    All: Did you just want to hand her a hamburger and tell her things will be better in about ten minutes?

    KK: Can I sleep at your house? And you and Dane will sleep at another house? But you’ll make the bed?

    Andy: No, we are legion.

    Noelle: When family members touch you, it’s pawing.

  18. megkathleen

    I never use paper towels to open the door and I’m not dead yet.

  19. Meg: Not yet… I kid. Me neither.

  20. Hilarious!

    I want to see the Chris pics too! 😉

  21. Why do I want to give you a big hug so much right now?

    About the bathroom, do you pee on your hands? Because if you pee on your hands, you might need to wash them. You also should probably try to stop peeing on your hands. But if you don’t pee on your hands, your hands are probably not dirtier when you leave the bathroom than when you entered it unless you spend a lot of time touching the bathroom itself or you forgo toilet tissue and just use your fingers. Which are their own issues. All I’m getting at is, touching your own body should not dirty your hands by default. Unless your body is dirty. That’s a different issue, too.

    Of course, take all that with a grain of salt. I do not even know if I own a second pair of sheets.

  22. This is spectacularly hilarious.

  23. I hate when people I don’t know breathe on me. Or when a creepy guy on the bus sits too close and I can feel his leg hair. Ughhhhh.

  24. Gah. Stranger leg hair. Sick.

    Glad to see so many people share my abhorrence for minutia. You had me at Renee “I eat lemons” Zellweger.

    Would like to add: people who have too many kids for the sole purpose of inflating their self-esteem. And name them stupid names like Driskel, or Chase, or Kerrington.

  25. Jen: I’m waiting. And trolling Flickr. I know they’re out there.

    Stoogie: There’s a book called Oh the Glory of it All, and the dad in it tells the son that he should wash his hands before he uses the restroom because his penis is clean, but his hands are dirty. Just something to think about…

    Nicole: Thank you.

    Princess: Oh, both good ones.

    Moxie: What if I buy several orphans to increase my self esteem and then name them stupid things. I’m just trying to save the world, you know?

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