Because two of my good friends got married over the weekend, I had to go inside a church for the first time in a very long time.
Churches have always been weird to me, going back to when I attended Catholic School from first to eighth grade. I remember we used to have to go to confession once a week at the church on school grounds, and my friends and I used to get together beforehand and make up sins to tell the priest. My favorite was, “I yelled ‘shit’ when I fell down.”
That one always scored me Cool Points with the boys, but somehow failed to impress the girls.
Friday night I entered the church for the rehearsal, and instantly started making fun of it. I did that because I’m mature.
As we lined up, walked, then lined up, then walked again, I just kept thinking of more and more things that made me uncomfortable about churches.
They’re really uncomfortable and every time you sit down, you end up slowly sliding down into an eventual heaping blob because the back is made of slick wood. Then the other people cast their Judging Eyes at you because they know that Jesus never slouched when he sat and you are going to hell because your pants are making that weird boner shape that they make sometimes when they get bunched up.
What they should do is have a bunch of couches. Then everyone can be comfortable and maybe not hate every second of being there.
And what about the pictures of Jesus plastered all over churches?
Look, I know why I’m there.
I don’t need to see Jesus’ smug face everywhere I turn. Every time I saw another picture of Jesus in the church on Friday I kept thinking he was giving me The Stink Eye, knowing all about how I mostly tried looking up the Catholic school skirts of all the girls instead of studying the bible during class.
When rehearsal was almost finished I was ready to leave, having come up with many reasons why I hate being in churches.
But then one of the groomsman noticed a big cardboard sign that changed everything.
And to think, all this time I thought churches weren’t fun.
Let’s consider that picture a public service announcement.
(I have joined in the great Testament project over at Half Deserted Streets, so if you want to read a post of mine about dating, please take a minute and check it out.)