spread the word

Because two of my good friends got married over the weekend, I had to go inside a church for the first time in a very long time.

Churches have always been weird to me, going back to when I attended Catholic School from first to eighth grade.  I remember we used to have to go to confession once a week at the church on school grounds, and  my friends and I used to get together beforehand and make up sins to tell the priest.  My favorite was, “I yelled ‘shit’ when I fell down.”

That one always scored me Cool Points with the boys, but somehow failed to impress the girls.

Friday night I entered the church for the rehearsal, and instantly started making fun of it.  I did that because I’m mature.

As we lined up, walked, then lined up, then walked again, I just kept thinking of more and more things that made me uncomfortable about churches.

Like pews.

They’re really uncomfortable and every time you sit down, you end up slowly sliding down into an eventual heaping blob because the back is made of slick wood.  Then the other people cast their Judging Eyes at you because they know that Jesus never slouched when he sat and you are going to hell because your pants are making that weird boner shape that they make sometimes when they get bunched up.

What they should do is have a bunch of couches.  Then everyone can be comfortable and maybe not hate every second of being there.

And what about the pictures of Jesus plastered all over churches?

Look, I know why I’m there.

I don’t need to see Jesus’ smug face everywhere I turn.  Every time I saw another picture of Jesus in the church on Friday I kept thinking he was giving me The Stink Eye, knowing all about how I mostly tried looking up the Catholic school skirts of all the girls instead of studying the bible during class.

When rehearsal was almost finished I was ready to leave, having come up with many reasons why I hate being in churches.

But then one of the groomsman noticed a big cardboard sign that changed everything.

And to think, all this time I thought churches weren’t fun.

Let’s consider that picture a public service announcement.


(I have joined in the great Testament project over at Half Deserted Streets, so if you want to read a post of mine about dating, please take a minute and check it out.)


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44 responses to “spread the word

  1. I love the pictures in churches where Jesus is looking all buff and hot. Meow Jesus!

  2. That’s right! I’m first, and extra holy!

  3. Thank you for the picture, as requested.

  4. I bet your boner shape is the biggest of anyone’s.

    Because you’re God.

  5. idontliketoread

    porn, and you make baby Jesus cry

  6. deutlich

    boners and Jesus in the same post?


  7. I also attended Catholic school from K-5. I remember the confession lies. My go-to one was “I pushed my brother down the stairs.”

    I became a great liar thanks to catholicism.

  8. OMFG!!! I DIED laughing when I read the “Jesus never slouched and you’re going to hell” bit. Seriously, that’s hysterical. Love it!

  9. Good God, what Catholic church were you in?

  10. I went to Catholic school from K-12 and I have to say a quick thank you to Brittney Spears for making me look at those skirts in a WHOLE new way.

  11. but there is the problem with couch churches (if you can call them that)

    As a pastors kid I have been to churches of every shape, size, and seating. And when your dad is a guest speaker and you fall asleep in their comfortable chairs, fall out of said chair, and maybe possibly utter a almost silent curseword…well, lets just say it doesnt always go over well

  12. matt

    Awesome picture.

  13. That sign is the best thing I’ve ever seen in a church. Period.

  14. I get creeped out by the crucifix statues. Yucko.

  15. Boner shaped?

    Is that because, per chance, you had a boner in church? You’re for SURE going to hell. Boners are not allowed in churches. I think there is a sign out front and everything.

  16. Ben

    I told everyone that you got a boredom woody in church and I’m not sorry about it.

  17. i’ve totally had the boner shape in church. think about how much more embarassing it is for Me!

    oh, and church makes me awkward because i usually go alone and families try to pick me up for their sons. it’s really bizarre and makes it hard for me to find a seat each week. i always try to sit next to people that couldn’t possibly have a son my age… and i’m usually wrong.

  18. I am *forced* to go to church every Sunday. My mom and my dad are quite catholic and my sister is getting ready to do her First Communion. And I’m the one who is supposed to “set the example” for her.
    I’m kind of claustrophobic, so being surrounded by 500 people in a certain space isn’t that thrilling for me. Plus, it is hot inside churches, and I feel like I’m going to die of suffocation.

    But you know, that’s just my view.

  19. Seems weird that God would be sitting in a fake plastic chair by the window.

    We all know God would be hiding under the windowsill.

  20. Jesus loves you despite your pervertedness. And don’t lie about the fake boner. You totally got a real one when you were looking at Jesus wearing just the robe around his bits.

    And why is that sign pointing to hell. Shouldn’t it be pointing up?

  21. your next post is going to be about how hard it was for you to get that sign in your car isn’t it?

  22. Church reminds me of funerals… both literally and figuratively speaking. It’s not for me.

  23. You should change your blog’s name to ‘Surviving Almighty’ now.

  24. My sister is a child and I am an adult. She goes to Catholic school, where I was raised a heathen. I’ve had to go to her mass/graduation/communion events with all their richie-rich snobby friends.

    Last time, Justin and I collapsed in a fit of giggles during the service. Not giggle, giggle, done, but a long, drawn out, tears and all, noisy giggle fit. My step-mother was mortified, and I haven’t been invited back.

  25. I think you should go back and re-take that picture, but this time point at your crotch.

  26. Now where are the pics of you with your shirt off?!?

    God would want you to share those.

    So would girls in Catholic schoolgirl uniforms… maybe even EX-Catholic shoolgirls…

    I’m just sayin’… 😉

  27. I think it’s creepy to have a building that’s empty six days a week. What a waste.

  28. Why can’t all religions have cool gods like that one religion that has a god that’s an elephant with a whole bunch of arms. You know the one.

  29. melissa – He was such a hottie.

    stealth – I am a servant of the people.

    kristen – It totally is!

    idont – Best comment ever.

    deutlich – I’m trying my best here.

    allison – I know! Isn’t it great?

    word – Thanks!

    marie – St. Bernards, in Pittsburgh PA.

    narm – Yes. When I saw that video for the first time, I was like, “Yeah, I remember that.”

    bekah – Hahaha – that’s a good point.

    matt – All of the groomsman took one, it was great.

    lacey – I agree.

    maxie – Yeah, they can be kinda depressing.

    mindy – But I never saw that sign!

    ben – You’ve always hated me.

    jenny – Oh man, that does suck. Glad I’m not you.

    andy – You’re right on, just give it time, your sister will figure it out eventually.

    rs – He’s just so sneaky!

    essentially – But I was right there, so it pointed right at me.

    inreallife – Well, it was. Thanks for ruining it!

    mental – I could see that.

    robbie – Hahaha – good idea.

    megan – Sounds like a good thing to me.

    hollywood – Hahaha – I wish I had that idea.

    jen – I think Eva Mendes has all of those, but I’ll see if I can get some off of her.

    noelle – Right – they should turn it into an ice cream parlor in the off days.

    zibbs – Exactly, at least keep us entertained.

  30. I went to Catholic School too. I was always trying to blow out the Hope Candle without anyone knowing it was me.

    This was impossible because because I laugh too loud at my own jokes.

  31. J

    You know what? Jesus judges. I’m sure he does. So does Pops Christ. At least, *my* kinda Jesus judges.

    He forgives and shit, but oh, he laughs his ass off at us.

  32. Catholic School student going strong over hear. Since I was four. That would make it 17 years now. And I still don’t like church. I mean, I like churches for their architecture, but not for mass. God for me is a little more personal. Mass is ok once in awhile….

  33. I volunteered at the SPCA to be able to miss church when I was a kid. I can’t decide if that makes me Good or Evil.

  34. megkathleen

    Please, please, tell me you stole the sign!

  35. nicoleantoinette

    Clearly, this is just what your ego needed.

  36. kiala – Catholic school has produced some good bloggers at least.

    j – For sure.

    angela – Wow – that is a long time. I have no idea how you do it.

    alice – Oh Good – in my mind at least.

    megkathleen – I didn’t. I’m sorry!!!

    jamie – It’s pretty awesome.

    nicole – What ego?

  37. I went to Catholic school from first to eighth grade!


  38. mumsie lou

    Priests like boners!

  39. I’m awkward when going into churches, but I think it’s only that whole being Jewish thing. Two years ago I went with my boyfriend (who is Hindu) to a very VERY religious wedding in a church. Across the street was a sign that said “HE is coming back! Repent!” I think we burned a little when entering the doors. Not for being bad people, but for not being good enough for them.

  40. I hadn’t been to church in five years until this year when i had to go to my gran’s funeral and i couldn’t remember for the life of me what to do AT ALL!

    BUT perhaps with you as the new god, you could make mass more interesting for us all . . .

    Shit, I am sooo going to hell now.

  41. My husband thinks it’s really funny whenever we’re in a church (which is very rarely) to point out that I didn’t burst into flames upon setting foot inside.
    Every. Time.
    Good times.

  42. Oh. My. God.

    I could’ve cried from laughing so hard. Pretty sure it had a little something to do with the “Jesus never slouched” part.

    Seriously, this made my day.

    Oh, and I want one of those signs. You should market them.

  43. catholic school sucked ass. i.hate.church.com – I just made it up. don’t look it up. or do?

    I never remembered what I was supposed to say to the priest before telling him my sins. good thing there was a cheat sheet.

    The Stations of the Cross were worse than confession. f.o.r.e.v.e.r.

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