saving the world one cubicle at a time

I’ve often wondered what super powers I would have if I suddenly became a super hero one day.

Becoming a super hero always seems to happen by accident or some Strange Incident, so I imagine I’d be ordering a bagel and instead of giving me scallion cream cheese the dude would give me Radioactive Cream Cheese and Zap! I’d have super powers.

My first choice is always to be able to fly, because then I could irritate all my friends by flying above them and throwing fruit at their heads.  Small fruit, of course.

I’m not a total asshole.

Then I think that maybe I’d want Super Strength, so I could play in the NFL and be The Best or maybe just be able to shove people really hard when they walk too slow.

The more I think about it though, the more I realize that along with some cool super powers, I’d be destined to get some kind of lame super power, like the ability to fix staplers when the staples get all stuck in there.

Not that I wouldn’t be in demand, because I would.

Nothing is more annoying than having a stapler jam on you.  You sit there, swear under your breath, then open the thing up.  Then you have to start digging at the little crunched staple that somehow messed up the whole damn operation and you always end up pricking your finger.

With me around though, the world would be free of this annoyance.

The instant someone’s stapler jammed, I’d get this feeling that Something Is Not Right, and I’d fly off to save the day.

It’d be a kind of crappy life for a super hero, always having to read about how Superman saved some kids (who were probably brats anyway) from a fire while I was off helping Steve in HR resuscitate his Swingline Heavy Duty.

But I’d do my duty because that would be The Good Thing To Do.

With great power comes great responsibility, right?

Right.

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46 Comments

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46 responses to “saving the world one cubicle at a time

  1. Ben

    invisibility FTW! just think of the possibilities!

    and for my lame power? it’d probably be some shit like knowing the exact time before a block of cheese goes bad. just about as useful as that heart kid from captain planet since cell phones became popular

  2. idontliketoread

    you already have the power of posting a super blog, and you’ve always been my hero!

  3. Wow, I’m totally with Ben on the lame power. Detecting the lifespan of dairy? That is totally key in a city where a small block of Jarlsburg can run you $7 or $8 bucks.

    Also, who do you think you are throwing fruit at people? Mrs. Doubtfire? Come ON now!

  4. Would you wear tights and a cape while saving the world from stapler catastrophes? Because super heros are both cooler and stranger with tights and a cape. And maybe a mask too.

  5. Echidnagirl

    http://www.flickr.com/search/?q=staple+puller

    You could have one of these staple pullers on your chest and be known as Staple Teeth Man.

  6. If I could have a superpower it’d be the ability to look at something and duplicate it. Think how bomb-ass that would be. You could save the world if something was flooding because you could look a a levy and just create one where it needs to be or you could just have fun and create unlimited red bull for yourself.

    I think it sounds pretty awesome.

  7. Well, you know about my superpower.
    They can be very burdensome.

    You know how dark and brooding Batman is, right?

    Be careful what you wish for Stapler Man.

  8. Would you go in the break room and change into your costume so that people didn’t know your true identity?

  9. matt

    The stapler was a horrible invention.

    Just horrible.

  10. It was a drive by fruiting!!

    Mrs. Doubtfire!

    Anyone?

    No?

    Okay 😦

  11. We played the super-power game in my office. I volunteered to go first and chose the ability to never need sleep. You could live the equivalent of two lifetimes! Every single person after me chose a power that would benefit mankind. What a bunch of losers.

  12. I have a feeling the girlfriend would get tired of it quickly;

    “Are you off to save a burning orphanage?”

    “No, someone’s stapler got jammed.”

    “Oh there is no way in hell you are skipping out on dinner with my parents for a stapler. Take that cape off and go vacuum the living room.”

    “yes dear”

  13. I know Mrs. Doubtfire, Jaime!

    True story: the first time I learned how to change the staples in the stapler, I held my finger in the danger zone of the stapler and then pressed down to close the lid. I was a very strong 6-year-old, however, and stapled right into my finger. A very painful lesson to learn, yes, but an effective one.

  14. I can just see you right alongside Batman…

  15. Staplers scare me. Really.

    And I can’t touch cardboard.

    I’m not kidding.

  16. I’d want the power of super fast tap dancing. That way, villians would be like, “hey, that guy can only tap dance” – then I’d tap the hell out of their faces.

  17. deutlich

    I’m not totally sure I’d entrust you to fix my stapler. I mean.. I’m just sayin.

  18. Damn! I needed your help yesterday! I had a staple issue yesterday afternoon! Where the hell where ya?! C’mon man! Do your damn job!!!

  19. i’d want to re-think the wearing tights thing. the possibility for snags is just too great….
    love your blog btw!

  20. I think I’d like to fly. Or be invisible. Or just have like a high metabolism so I can eat as much as I want.

  21. I think I actually have that superpower already.

  22. ben – Hahaha – dap for the Captain Planet reference!

    idont – Yes, but you are the wind beneath my wings.

    stealth – You better watch out! You might be first!

    word – Just a mask I think. And some Jamz.

    echidna – Not a bad idea…

    maxie – That is a great idea! Can I steal it?

    kristen – I know, I know. I must be cautious!

    narm – Of course!

    matt – So you’re a paper clip kinda dude?

    jamie – I didn’t even think of that when I wrote this, and now I’m sad that I did.

    unbearable – You were right to think of only yourself.

    inreallife – Yeah, that sounds about right.

    phil – Damn! That sucks.

    jessica – Maybe I could be in the next movie?

    melissa – Cardboard??? Really? You’re weird.

    zibbs – Hahaha – I’d love to watch that happen.

    deutlich – You lie!

    mental – I’m sorry man, my shoelaces came undone!

    voice – That’s a good point. And thanks!

    hollywood – Oh man, that would be great! Ice cream and french fries for every meal!

    noelle – Are you serious? Well perfect. Now what do I do?

  23. matt

    Paper clips and binder clips all the way…

    represent.

  24. Have you seen the staple-less stapler? How would you handle that one?

  25. My office needs a Xerox superhero. If I have to clear one more jam I might get all Office Space on it. Perhaps I’ll show it a video of what they did to the fax first, as a warning.

  26. This is why if my stapler jams I just throw it out and buy a new stapler.

    I don’t have time for the little things.

  27. essentially me has a staple-less stapler.

    rs27 throws out his staplers.

    it’s looking like you might have to find a new lame super power if you want to stay in business.

  28. If I had a lame super-power it would be something like loading the dishwasher so absolutely everything fits. No hand-washing dishes for this girl.
    As for a real super-power I’d definitely like to be invisible, imagine all the trouble you could get into!
    Also, I need your staple-man help.

  29. Ari will be thrilled to know you’ll be rescuing damsels in peril. Especially the ones who ALWAYS have troubles with staplers.

  30. I can’t touch cardboard either.

    That’s why Melissa and I are friends.

    There are probably some other reasons but that one seems the most important.

  31. In case the staple-less stapler puts a stop to your superpower, I suggest you become the guy that prevents those little paper circles from escaping the infamous three hole punch.

  32. megkathleen

    My brother always wanted the superpower of being a human stereo. Music appropriate for the situation would just emanate from him at all times. It would be perfect because he wouldn’t be required to save anybody and he would be the life of the party.

    I’m pretty sure it would be the perfect super power.

  33. What if people stopped using staplers and started using paperclips or staple-less staplers. You’d be one superhero out of a job, my friend.

  34. I’d have the ability to lull people to sleep by explaining exactly why my lame ass jokes were funny. I’d be able to summon charts and expert witnesses and all sorts of exciting shit to hammer home my punchlines.

    Then, after they lost consciousness, I’d check their pockets for loose change.

  35. well at least we know that if you do get the power to fly, you wouldn’t be throwing big pieces of fruit, right?

    If I could have any kind of superpower, I want to either have the ability to fly or just be anywhere i want to be anytime *just like that*

  36. matt – So gangsta!

    essentially – My arch enemy!

    freeandflawed – If you do go all Office Space on it, please tape it and post it on your blog.

    rs – You are more important than us small people, that’s why.

    heartbreaker – I know. I’m starting to get worried.

    alice – I knew I felt something – I’m on my way now! Have no fear – I will find you!!!

    andy – Damsels are always hot too, so yeah, she’ll be jealous, but she’ll get over it.

    kiala – That is definitely the most important one.

    ifiweretina – That sounds really hard.

    megkathleen – Your brother sounds awesome.

    meghan – Never happen. People will always fall back to the little piece of metal that could.

    justin – Nice. Can I borrow some of that change?

    susel – Yes, that is a really good one too.

  37. Oh if I were a superhero it would be to have amazing strength and read people’s thoughts. I would be so rich.

  38. I still want to be Evie from “Out of This World.” She can freeze time just by touching her fingers together!

  39. My stapler is EMPTY… fix it!!!

    Wait… does that fall under your domain?

  40. I’ve (for some reason) been holding on to a stapler that is so jammed I bet not even a staple-removing super hero could unjam it.

    Take THAT!

  41. i would take any power except rogue’s, seriously lame.

    but i prefer to fly, teleport or be invisible, both would be awesome.

  42. have you seen my stapler?

  43. I would just get the amazing ability to earn money so I could buy like 6 staplers, then throw the broken ones at ugly people like it weren’t no thang.

  44. Based solely on the fact that you eat scallion cream cheese and hate people who walk slow, I think we’d get alone just great in person.

  45. jessica – Yeah, people would pay good money for your services.

    rebecca – Oh – that’s a good one too.

    jen – Yes! I’ll be there in two minutes. Leave the door unlocked.

    mindy – I have confidence in my abilities. Just give me two minutes with it!

    katelin – Yeah, Rogue was arguably the worst super hero ever.

    alexa – No, but I can find you a new one!

    pistols – That sounds good too.

    nicole – I completely agree.

  46. Pingback: We’d Make a Helluva Super Hero Team | Word Perv

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