prophecy

Bogus.

That was the first word out of my mouth this morning when I looked out the window and noticed that it was raining.  And unfortunately I was not just waking from an awesome dream in which I was hanging out with Bill and Ted.

I don’t use bogus lightly either, I usually reserve it for Times Of Great Stress, like when I found out that Horatio Sanz was getting dropped from Saturday Night Live.  Dude was awesome.

The first word you speak in the morning is an ominous one.  In my case, I’m pretty sure because I said “bogus,” my day is going to be, sadly, depressingly, bogus.

I’ll probably step in a puddle and get Wet Foot (the worst thing that can happen to you aside from dying) on my lunch hour, then have to replace the water cooler twice.  I’ll be living in hell, is what I’m saying.

If only my first word had been something more cheery and upbeat.  You know, something completely uncharacteristic of me.  Then I would have a good day, because once that first word hits the air in front of you – your day is planned out.

In a lot of ways, your first word in the morning is like your first word as a baby.

Whatever your first word was, it has a great bearing on what you’re like as an adult.

Mine was “ball.”

This sounds good, right?

No.  No it was not good.

I said ball, but what I held in my hand was an egg, which I promptly threw against the wall.

Perfect.

Now you see what I’m saying.  I said something pretty dumb and as an adult, I’ve never been confused for the brightest bulb in the pack.  I like simple things like Big Trouble in Little China, Gonzo Grape bubble gum and Coors Light.

If I had said something Brilliant And Thoughtful, like “Momma” when I saw my Mom, maybe things would’ve turned out better for me.  Maybe I’d be an engineer or that dude who invented Lunchables.

But I’m not.

I’m just a blogger and really, that’s okay with me.

As long as I don’t get Wet Foot.

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57 Comments

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57 responses to “prophecy

  1. At least you manage to say a real word when you wake up. The first sound to escape my mouth in the morning is some sort of grumble mumble. That’s often followed up by “balls.”

  2. What kind of parent gives their child an egg? That egg was asking to be thrown against the wall.

    Also, I miss lunchables. A lot.

  3. Ben

    I dunno what my first word was but I know I wasn’t born with the instinct to stop myself from falling. Split the same spot on my head open six times.

    I’m guessing my first word was: Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!

  4. deutlich

    Wet Foot sounds like some horrendous disease

  5. You can still eat Lunchables, Arielle!

    It’s actually quite liberating for a grown up to eat something so “bite size”, yet packs in a whole heap of calories and fat. Seriously, one of those things can pack upwards of 500 calories and 30 grams of fat.

    No wonder the kids these days are massive.

  6. Role reversal; It’s actually sunny over here for once. We clearly stole your weather. All over the city people are panicking, unsure how to cope with this freaky weather phenomenon. Our insulated Irish epidermises (epidermi?) are baking us in our own skins.

    TAKE IT BACK! GIVE US BACK THE RAIN THAT IS RIGHTFULLY OURS OR WE ALL SHALL PERISH!

    Well, all except me. I AM half-Spanish after all.

  7. The visionary artist and genius Paul Laffoley’s first word, at six months old, was Constantinople. He’s a genius and all, but I still bet his life isn’t as cool as yours, and I bet even he has had to endure Wet Foot at some point in life. So don’t sweat it!

  8. Wow. You actually say words in the morning? For real I’m impressed. If someone attempts to speak to me in the morning, I just growl at them. Yes, my co-workers do love, well love me in the ohmygodi’mscaredofhersojustsmile sort of way.

  9. First word as a baby: Fuck

    First words this morning: Holy Shit!

    Yes. My mother is very proud of me.

  10. Dude, Coors Light??!?
    so sad…

  11. If your first word had been “momma,” you just would have ended up being the first Pregnant Man before Thomas Beatie claimed the title. I think you’re better off with “ball.”

  12. Matt

    1. I bet the dude who invented Lunchables is a pimp.

    2. Big Trouble In Little China is an awesome movie that I havent thought about in years.

    Thank you. Now I’m going to rent it, drink beer and eat a lunchable.

    All good things.

  13. My first word yesterday was “eff.” I wore white capris (don’t judge, I’m a chick, it’s allowed) and promptly splashed rain/sludge water on them with my flip flops. Locked myself out of my apartment. And met a man who creates excel spreadsheets and didn’t know about “Ctrl F.”

    Sorry about your bogus day….

  14. my first word as a kid was ball too! then i promptly added a z to it. ballzzzzz.

  15. Coors light is bogus. Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure is extreme to the max, however.

  16. Maybe you could take a catnap and when you wake up, try again?

  17. You’re funny.

    And this post made me think of what you looked like as a baby.

    That was funny too.

  18. You should probably say “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious”, let’s see how your day turns out.

  19. The Silver Bullet? You are better than that.

  20. at least someone thought to write your first word down, or at least remember it.

    my parents THINK they wrote it down SOMEWHERE but they dont remember where…yeah cause that scrap of paper might still be on the fridge 23 years later…thanks guys i really appreciate that!

  21. But you’re a Super Hero with magic stapler un-jamming powers!!!! You CAN’T have a bad day!!!!! Now put on your cape and tights and shut the fuck up and smile.

  22. freeandflawed – Balls is not a bad follow-up.

    arielle – Exactly, it had it coming.

    ben – That sounds about right.

    deutlich – It is!

    essentially – Yeah, they are fucking terrible for you.

    kali – Hahaha – you can have it!

    mental – Thanks for the encouragement.

    marie – At least they still love you.

    kristen – See? It totally suits you.

    sassy – I love the Silver Bullet!!!

    justin – That’s a good point.

    matt – Gonna be the best 2 hours of your life.

    stealth – Oh man, you locked yourself out of your apartment? That sucks.

    alexa – You’re a genius!

    meghan – No way – I love it.

    maiden – I think I’ll try that.

    gooseberried – And that made me sad.

    andy – Okay – I’ll give it a try.

    narm – Man, everyone hatin’ on the Silver Bullet!

    bekah – Wow, yeah that would be disappointing.

    word – Dammit you’re right!

  23. I think my first word was mama or possibly Dizzy.

    In the morning I’m lucky to say anything before 9:30 am – and usually it’s just a mumbled “gmornin”. That you had the coherency to say “Bogus” (in the right context and everything!) is actually slightly impressive.

  24. Something about seeing Wet Foot capitalized like that made me literally LOL. And I never LOL.

  25. matt

    BTW, congrats on the 20SB award man!

  26. mine was also ball and i was holding an actual ball at the time. genius even as a baby

  27. why do men love big trouble in little china?

    there is nothing worse than being forced to watch that movie at 3am while trying to not vom.

  28. My first words are always “magic unicorn”. And guess what? I’ve never been hit by a car cooincidence?

  29. My first word as a small child was juice!

    As an adult, my first word of the morning is usually “merrrrrrr….”

  30. Dude! “Big trouble in little China” is one of my favorite movies!!! Every time I watched Kim Catrell on “Sex and the City” I would mutter “…girl with green eyes….”

  31. kk

    just found your blog – it’s great!

    I hate the winter version of wet foot, which is when you stop on what you PRESUME is a patch of frozen snow or ice, and find yourself ankle-deep in freezing cold water. It’s THE WORST.

  32. Guys who replace the water cooler are sex-ay.

  33. had the worst case of Wet Foot this winter. totally should have tested my boots in the bathtub to make sure they were leakproof before taking them out into a terenchal downpour. ugh, i cringe just thinking about the sloshing.

  34. my first word was slinky before it was invented. See what happened? SEE?!?! I have a big mouth and no Slinky money.

  35. alice – Dizzy is pretty cool. And thanks, I am trying my best.

    hollywood – That may be the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me about my blog, so thanks!

    matt – Thanks man, I’m pretty excited about it.

    sarah – Hahaha – In that case – I challenge you to a game of Paper, Rock, Scissors. I’ll put your genius to the test.

    julie – I think because of all the fighting and weird things. Just a hunch.

    zibbs – I’m gonna try that tomorrow.

    yourgirlfriend – I bet “merrrrr” means “I can’t wait to read Chris’ blog!”

    inreallife – You are even more awesome than I thought. +347 for that.

    kk – Hi and thanks! Yes, winter Wet Foot is even worse.

    melissa – Girl you don’t need to tell me! I know!

    heartbreaker – I am sorry for your loss.

    rs – The gods have punished you for your seer ways.

  36. yeah i don’t even remember what i say first thing in the morning, so at least you’ve got that one going for you. even if it is one of keanu’s favorite words.

  37. You mean you don’t jump out of bed every morning, throw back the curtains and yell, “Good Morning World!”? Am I the only one?

  38. Close. “Merrr..” is actually, “I wonder if Christ is going to link to YGIU today.”

  39. My first word as a baby was “No.” It was pretty much downhill from there for my parents.

  40. Bill & Ted = quite excellent

    Wild Stallions!

  41. My first word each morning is usually “FUCK”. And not in the good way, either.

  42. My brother’s first word was “ball” too. I understand your theory. (My first word was actually two words– “wuz that?”– clearly I am a curious genius.)

    My first word today? Uhh… I think it was “who,” as in “Who the fuck is texting me before 6:00 in the morning?!?” Good day.

  43. Also? Horatio Sanz broke character more than any other player EVER (except, maybe, Jimmy Fallon)… still awesome.

  44. tia

    i like coors light too. we’re just simple folk.

  45. erikka – Only on the weekends.

    katelin – Keanu and I are like twins.

    noelle – If I was you I would!

    yourgirlfriend – Good things come to those who wait. Or something like that.

    liz – Yeah, I would bet so.

    dan – Awesome!

    mindy – That’s a shame.

    jen – Yes, yes you are. And he did? Well, I thought he was funny.

    tia – Hell yes!

  46. My first word was Dada. Analyze, please.

  47. megkathleen

    My first word today was motherfucker – shows what kind of day I’m having.

  48. My mother claims my first word was “cheese”. How did I not invent lunchables?

  49. I wonder what it says about me that, most mornings the first word out of my mouth is “motherfucker”. And I say it like this: “Mother! Fucker!”

    Come to think of it, that may have been my first word as a child too. That would make sense.

  50. nancypearlwannabe

    I hope you didn’t get Wet Foot today. How about you start tomorrow with “fan-fucking-tastic!”? Then you’re sure to have a great one.

  51. JK

    You said bogus because you were dreaming about Bill and Ted….DUH! Don’t overthink it!

  52. Wet foots is the worst. Especially when accompanied by the dreaded wet sock.

  53. One time I watched “Bill & Ted” while…under the influence. I thought it was a documentary.
    I was incorrect in my assessment.

  54. Holy twelve disciples you’re effing popular. I only get 50 comments on a post demanding shitty drawings for my birthday. What are you, some sort of celebrity? I don’t know whether to leave you a comment or scream like a little tween. I’ll go with both.

  55. girljordyn – You’re a genius, but just haven’t figured it out yet. Am I right?

    megkathleen – Damn. Yours is worse than mine.

    ifiweretina – Really? I have no idea. You messed up big time!

    whiskey – Yes, yes it would.

    nancypearl – I will try to do that.

    jk – No, I said I wasn’t dreaming about them!

    princess – Tell me about it!

    big time – Hahaha – that is awesome.

    falwless – No way, I’m not a celebrity. But I’m glad you screamed like a tween. If I ever get on TRL will you do that again?

  56. longredcape

    If what you say is true, I am just going to wake up every morning and say “sex.”

    And, referring to Mindy’s comment, I recently dated a guy whose first word every morning (well, at least every morning I was around) was “fuck,” and usually, we did.

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