not right

Because I like to punish myself, I was watching the new season of Project Runway last night.  I was barely paying attention when a new contestant introduced himself as “Suede.”

Yes.

Like the leather.

No last name.  No “Suede Smith.”  Just fucking Suede.

I cannot tolerate people who go by just one name.  Of course Prince had to take it one step farther and name himself a fucking symbol, but let’s not even get me started on how much I think Prince is overrated and how I can’t fucking stand him and how one of his friends should have punched him in the neck for thinking it was okay to call himself a damn symbol.

If I’m ever lucky enough to have a healthy kid and he/she grows up and becomes famous or whatever and decides to change his/her name to just one odd name – I am not going to be a Proud Papa.

I can see him ready to discuss it, and me not exactly agreeing with the decision.

My Once Awesome Creation: [With confidence] “Dad. I’ve decided since my solo career is really taking off, I’m going to just call myself Tunes.  So from now on, just refer to me that way, okay?”

Me: [Looking up from my beer which is upset with me for leaving it] “What?  No. Your name is Jason.  Shut up.”

My Once Awesome Creation: [Confused and frustrated now] “But Dad – I’m 25 years old – I can do whatever I want!  I am going by Tunes!”

Me: “Oh you can do whatever you want alright.  You can go ahead with your plan of having everyone think you’re a fucking idiot or you can just go by your real name.  I’m sure everyone will love you Tunes.  They won’t think you’re a fucking moron at all.”

My Once Awesome Creation: [Storming off] “You just don’t understand my art!”

Me: [To myself] “You’re right, but I do understand my beer, because it never acts like a fuck-up.”

There’s no reason for the one word name.  None.

You either have talent or you don’t.  No gimmicks and one name crap is going to change that.

If my kid tries to pull this stunt on me, you better believe he will be disowned faster than he can say, “But Dad I love you!”

You love me?

No you don’t son.

No you don’t.

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58 Comments

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58 responses to “not right

  1. So I guess we can rule out you just naming a kid something like “Beast” or “Megatron” or whatever else you boys think is manly because it won’t have that second part to it?

  2. I think the first guy to get away with that was Buddha. Not Mr. Buddha or Buddha Moskowitz or Billy Bob Buddha. Just Buddha. He started it. And by the way, if you’re going to expose yourself to pap like Project Runway, then don’t complain when you get what you’ve asked for.

  3. i have to disagree my northern friend. prince changing his name to a symbol was a brilliant and shrewd business maneuver. i thought you of all people would appreciate sticking it to The Man. i am slightly disappointed in you (just like your dad! zing! you didn’t see that one coming, huh? i’m awe.some.)

  4. You know what gets me more than the single name? The now-that-they’re-dating-let’s-add-their-names-together thing that has apparently fucking swept Hollywood.

  5. I’m calling you Tunes Sr. from now on.

  6. I have to agree with nicoleantoinette. Combining names is just dumb. Can you imagine if when little Apple (Paltrow-Martin) grows up she dates a guy named Craig?? There combined name would be Crapple. Or just Crap for short. That would be cool.

    Your one name should be Blog.

  7. And there = their.

    I’m so embarrassed.

  8. i feel like the most telling sentence in this piece was when you said: “I do understand my beer, because it never acts like a fuck-up.” you are going to be the awesomest dad ever. i only wish my parents had raised me with that sort of sass!

    project runway is riding the short bus hard this season.

  9. What’s also terrible about Suede is that he always refers to himself in the 3rd person! I think that’s worse than giving himself one name.

  10. We should just go back to those descriptive Indian names anyway. Like “Dances with Wolves” or “Two Dogs Fucking.”

    Unfortunately, I think mine would be something like “Hair Fast Retreating.”

  11. I’m gonna have to agree with Arielle there. It’s the 3rd person reference that REALLY bothers me. That’s why I fucking HATE Elmo!

  12. plus he talks in third person.

    third person’s should be summarily ball gagged and ridiculed.

    (though with a name like “suede” im sure he would enjoy that sort of business)

  13. Haha, that shit pisses me off too. You wanna plan a trip together. You can punch suede in the neck and I will punch him in the brain stem and that will be then end of all 1 named idiots!

  14. i’m sorry but we can’t be friends anymore because Prince is the man.

  15. Yeah! Take that Tunes!
    Maybe I’m making this up, but I think the symbol-name thing was meant to be stupid, Prince’s way of sticking it to his record label so they’d have a difficult time making money off of him because they trapped him in a contract or something. I could fact check my story, but I’d rather peddle rumors.

  16. Matt

    I never understood why women liked Prince…

    Apolonia was fucking hot- and how can you not be pissed to see her hop on the motorcycle with Prince?

    I mean come on.

  17. Can’t stand him

    Period

    “You’re right, but I do understand my beer, because it never acts like a fuck-up.”

    *writes this in ‘future comebacks for my kids’ book*

  18. I’m with Julie. Until you prove you can grow funnier mustaches than Prince – he is still the winner of the awesome contest.

  19. Prince is EVIL. Ya, I don’t like him much.

  20. Oh, you’ve gone and done it now. I’m an 80’s girl THRU AND THRU.

    (holds lighter above head and waves it)

    “I never meant 2 cause u any sorrow
    I never meant 2 cause u any pain
    I only wanted 2 one time see u laughing
    I only wanted 2 see u laughing in the purple rain

    Purple rain Purple rain
    Purple rain Purple rain
    Purple rain Purple rain

    I only wanted 2 see u bathing in the purple rain

    I never wanted 2 be your weekend lover
    I only wanted 2 be some kind of friend
    Baby I could never steal u from another
    It’s such a shame our friendship had 2 end

    Purple rain Purple rain
    Purple rain Purple rain
    Purple rain Purple rain

    I only wanted 2 see u underneath the purple rain

    Honey I know, I know, I know times are changing
    It’s time we all reach out 4 something new
    That means u 2
    U say u want a leader
    But u can’t seem 2 make up your mind
    I think u better close it
    And let me guide u 2 the purple rain

    Purple rain Purple rain
    Purple rain Purple rain

    If you know what I’m singing about up here
    C’mon raise your hand

    Purple rain Purple rain

    I only want 2 see u, only want 2 see u
    In the purple rain”

  21. I’m gonna go with Melissalion, Tunes Sr.

    You asked for it.

  22. Miz

    Prince = Creepy
    Beer = Wonderful
    Great post 🙂

  23. We have until March to think about baby names, but we already have them picked out. None of them can stand on their own as a single name like Cher or Suede… and oh yeah, none of them are fucking stupid.

  24. But I thought you liked Madonna.

    I’m confused.

  25. I really, really want to start going by a cuss word as my name. Like the F word. Yes.

  26. stealthnerd – No! Wait! I like Megatron! I’ll just make sure he uses his last name too.

    unbearable – Buddha was a pioneer!

    jenny – Oh! Very good. No – Prince can go to hell.

    nicole – Yes. That is very bad as well.

    melissa – No!

    essentially – Hahaha – “crap.” And don’t be embarrassed – I honestly didn’t even notice.

    gina – I know! #1 Dad in the making right here.

    arielle – I forgot about that – and you’re right, way worse.

    justin – Hahaha – mine would be “Blogs Badly.”

    mental – Yes – Elmo is such a dick.

    each – I think he would too.

    verb – Sure! But if you read my one post, I get my own snacks.

    julie – I’m sorry, but I cannot budge from this position. He had three good songs. That doesn’t make him some kind of genius.

    megan – It seems like you’re right, since others are saying that too. So you’re smarter than you give yourself credit for. It’s gonna be a good weekend!

    matt – If he wasn’t famous, women would be repulsed by him.

    inreallife – Hahaha – I’m glad I could help out.

    narm – He can win it, but I don’t have to be happy about it.

    marie – Good. Join in the hating!

    shelly – I guess I asked for that.

    kali – Dammit.

    miz – Thanks!

    melissa – Hahaha – you are doing well for yourself then.

    kiala – I do. Just no Prince. Am I violating some kind of rule I don’t know about? Give me your knowledge!

    maxie – Fuck!

  27. deutlich

    From now on, I shall be referred to as Queen.

    Not Queen B. Not Queen Bee. Nor Queen of All Things.

    Nope.

    Just Queen.

    Because, yes.

  28. I completely agree with everything you said here. And I honestly can’t stand Prince. I know you didn’t say he was terrible, just over rated, but I really dislike his music. Purple Rain makes me cringe. And all the stupid morons that sing it karaoke make me want to pierce my ears with pencils.

  29. oh haha wow you have some strong feelings about this. yeah the prince symbol? wtf was up with that anyway?

  30. I’m going by Feast from now on.

  31. True story: my dad worked at the law firm that represented Meatloaf when he went bankrupt in the 70’s. Around the office and to his face, they called him “Mr. Loaf.”

  32. I am scared of the future.

  33. I wanted to stab ‘ol Suede from the moment I heard his voice.

  34. you will be a great father. welcome to the club.

  35. Rachel

    Madonna is the queen of the 1 word name and you love her…no one is calling her Ms. Ciccone–or Mrs. Ritchie.

    Is it okay for her because it’s her real first name?

    And if I ever meet him, I too will call Meatloaf, “Mr. Loaf”.

  36. megkathleen

    So I guess we can’t be friends anymore because I was going to make an announcement today about how I’m changing my name to Chanteuse.

  37. Prince has no friends, which is none of them could punch him in the neck.

  38. Ultima Dea

    Damn, people beat me to the Madonna comment.

    And Prince is Prince’s real first name, too. The symbol was his way of giving the finger to the record company that pretty much owned him, his name, and his music.

    Not that I like his songs. They suck.

    But so does everything Madonna put out after about 1992.

  39. deutlich – Okay. You got it.

    lyla – That’s his worst hit, no doubt.

    susel – I have strong feelings about everything.

    hollywood – Hahaha – I like it.

    noelle – Wow – that is fucking awesome.

    jen – Me too! I hate Mondays!

    big time – I like the way you think.

    village – Sweet – thanks. Do we get hats?

    rachel – Yeah I realized this just a little while ago. And then I found out that Prince is his real name too. But I am allowed to do whatever I want. So Prince sucks because he’s overrated and I still love old school Madonna.

    megkathleen – Friendship is over!

    cherry – Hahaha – well at least that explains it.

    dea – Yeah, I know, like I said to Rachel though – it’s my logic so it makes sense to me. Maybe I need to hire a fact checker before I blog from now on?

  40. I think you are just jealous that you aren’t “cool” enough to be known by just ONE name. Someday you will understand.

  41. MissP

    I fucking LOVE Project Runway!!!

  42. That chick ripped me off. I’ve “calling” myself Suede for years. The only difference is that I’ve taped a swatch of suede to my forehead and when people ask me my name I just point to it.

  43. If only I could be half as funny as you. Only half.

  44. hats? dude, you get an entire wardrobe, picked out by your wife/S.O.! never having to shop for yerself again is one of the perks….

  45. Those one name people just irritate the crap out of me too, like God and Cher and Criss…

    Oh.

  46. You’re just mad because you couldn’t come up with a cool moniker, aren’t you?

  47. i totally agree, the one word names are ridiculous. well the symbol is more ridiculous, but you get the point.

  48. Agreed, Yoda. “Suede” is kind of a fucking joke. BUT, I admit I do love Project Runway, and even though this season seems a tad short-bus (to borrow the term from a comment above), I also admit that the good part about it is watching Michael Kors, Nina Garcia, and the ever-fabulous Heidi Klum just rip all the designers to shreds.

  49. I never went by one name until I became a parent. Recently I go by the name of ‘bitch’. I know they use it lovingly as they clean their rooms and tidy up.

  50. tia

    and Tunes will write a blog and call it “surviving my dad” by Tunes.

    and one of his labels will be “my cool name makes my dad cry into his beer”

  51. love this post….gawd, suede pisses me off cuz his “name” is one word, he has a blue faux-hawk, and he speaks in third person occasionally. at least if you’re going to speak and third person, do it all the time, not just when you’re doing you diary/confession/candid taping for BRAVO.

  52. What if he decided to call himself “Beer”? You seem to like beer, would THAT be okay??? 😉

  53. Damn that’s why I don’t want kids, no time for them to grow and resent me and how I raised them. I like how you equate Project Runway to punishment. I need to start talking about myself in the third person like Suede now too.

  54. callmekp

    Wow. You are fantastic. I appreciate your theories on singular monikers, however… Prince is among my not so guilty pleasures. Can’t lie.

    He doesn’t have to be cool to rule my world.

    (Congrats on featured 20SB blogger! Finally!)

  55. I have a one word name…Cara.

    Go to any blog and ask about ‘Cara’ and people would point you to my blog.

    Why?

    Because there is only one Cara

    :-p

    Teehee!

  56. Pants

    Is Suede the contestant who talks about himself in the third person? I desperately want to kick him in the baby maker.

  57. When “Suede” said what his name was, I actually had to replay the DVR. Who the f goes by a fabric?!

  58. Your mind works in magical ways.

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