Because I like to punish myself, I was watching the new season of Project Runway last night. I was barely paying attention when a new contestant introduced himself as “Suede.”
Like the leather.
No last name. No “Suede Smith.” Just fucking Suede.
I cannot tolerate people who go by just one name. Of course Prince had to take it one step farther and name himself a fucking symbol, but let’s not even get me started on how much I think Prince is overrated and how I can’t fucking stand him and how one of his friends should have punched him in the neck for thinking it was okay to call himself a damn symbol.
If I’m ever lucky enough to have a healthy kid and he/she grows up and becomes famous or whatever and decides to change his/her name to just one odd name – I am not going to be a Proud Papa.
I can see him ready to discuss it, and me not exactly agreeing with the decision.
My Once Awesome Creation: [With confidence] “Dad. I’ve decided since my solo career is really taking off, I’m going to just call myself Tunes. So from now on, just refer to me that way, okay?”
Me: [Looking up from my beer which is upset with me for leaving it] “What? No. Your name is Jason. Shut up.”
My Once Awesome Creation: [Confused and frustrated now] “But Dad – I’m 25 years old – I can do whatever I want! I am going by Tunes!”
Me: “Oh you can do whatever you want alright. You can go ahead with your plan of having everyone think you’re a fucking idiot or you can just go by your real name. I’m sure everyone will love you Tunes. They won’t think you’re a fucking moron at all.”
My Once Awesome Creation: [Storming off] “You just don’t understand my art!”
Me: [To myself] “You’re right, but I do understand my beer, because it never acts like a fuck-up.”
There’s no reason for the one word name. None.
You either have talent or you don’t. No gimmicks and one name crap is going to change that.
If my kid tries to pull this stunt on me, you better believe he will be disowned faster than he can say, “But Dad I love you!”
You love me?
No you don’t son.
No you don’t.