be a better man

I really hate it when people say they have no regrets.  Everyone has regrets.

Maybe it was that time you slept with that ugly chick/dude because you had one too many Icehouses, or maybe it was just getting up this morning.

Either way, everybody has regrets, even me.

Now I know you’re thinking, “But Chris, you have a blog!  What could you possibly feel badly about doing???”

It’s something that I’m not entirely proud of, so this is not easy for me to admit to you.

But here it is:  I’ve never worn a full track suit outfit.

I know!

I’ve never known what it was like to go out in public and have my clothing proclaim, “I am not afraid to wear pajamas outside of my apartment!”

The worst part about this is that I am a full supporter of sweat pants and the like being accepted as formal wear.  I’ve even advocated this to friends, suggesting that when they get married, sweat pants for all involved!  Of course they didn’t think this was such a great idea, especially the women.  But women are widely known to be Weird And Suspicious Creatures, so it doesn’t really surprise me.

Can you imagine living with this on your conscience?

Everyday I have to look at myself in the mirror, and immediately after I finish thinking about how I am quite the handsome man, I then remember my Track Suit Failure, and get sad on the inside.

Look, I’ve had 29 years to zip myself into some velvety heaven, and I haven’t done it.  It is wrong!

How can I, a respectable (at least on Tuesdays) human being, go through my life without having at least once walk down the streets wearing a track suit with the top unzipped exposing my bare chest to the world???

Well I can’t.

I can’t do it.

I can’t live with myself and it stops now.  I’m going to do some shopping and I’m going to pick out the best track suit my money will buy.

I’m talking the entire thing baby – velour to the floor.

No more regrets my friends.

No more.

In fact, if there’s ever a huge blogger meet-up, and I finally get to meet all of you fine people, just look for the guy in the velour track suit, smiling like he just found out he won the lottery.

That’ll be me.


(I’m going to be away tomorrow, but have no fear!  I have an awesome guest post ready for you, so please come back then and show that blogger your support.)


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52 responses to “be a better man

  1. deutlich

    I suggest Juicy Couture

  2. The only thing I ask is that you document this by way of a photo. You don’t want to regret that either, now do you?

  3. Matt

    Make sure it’s Sean Jean velour.

    Thats important.

  4. What are you waiting for? Get on it!

  5. i like to call my regrets “things i would change”
    and there is a shit load of them… hey, i’m honest. doing “it” with my college boyfriend and not shutting the door and ASSUMING no one would come home is up there on the list

  6. Ben

    Oh god. I’m nervous.

    Who am I kidding? I will rock their socks off.

    Though not in velour. I’ll leave that to you.

    I’m more of a mesh guy anyway

  7. I heard a comedian say that the irony is that track suits are worn by people who exercise the least! Self promotion commercial: For an even more ridiculous fashion trend, click over to today’s post on my blog.

  8. Can you wear some bling with it? I think it would be a perfect touch to the outfit.

  9. cornrows would be a nice touch as well.

  10. I expect pictures. Loads of pictures.

  11. “…a respectable (at least on Tuesdays) human being…” That’s genius.

    As would be head to foot velour.

    Photos please?

    Oh, and deutlich is right–Juicy Couture is the way to go.

  12. Have you been talking to my overweight, D&D playing, soda slurpin’, candy eatin’ brother-in-law? Because he LIVES in this wardrobe. Or one frighteningly similar. Parachute pants? Oh yes, he’s got ’em. Zubaz? Oh yes, he’s a BIG FAN of those atrocious things. He’s worn them to many-a family gathering. I’ll give you his email. He’ll pass along all the fashion advice you could EVER WANT.

  13. C’mon now. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

    I’ve… never worn a track suit either. It hurts to admit it, but it’s true.

    Just know that you’re not alone.

  14. I love anything with an expandable waist. It’s like heavan.

  15. I dare you… I mean seriously dare you, to appear like that when we meet up for the Daily Show. That my friend, will mos def make you Mr. Alladatshit!

  16. You mean you had the shoes but not the outfit? You know, I just asked about a New York blogger meetup on my blog and now I’m motivated to tackle the organization myself. Anything to see you in a full track suit. How about Olive Garden?

  17. You’ve never worn a full track suit?! I think you just lost some cool points…

  18. Pink velour Juicy Couture is the only way to do it at this stage, Chris. You’ve left it too late to wear shiny Adidas shellsuits.

  19. (This is gonna be long, be prepared)

    I DO have regrets… Do you know when you start drinking while seated, and you actually don’t feel hit by the LARGE amounts of alcohol you have consumed, so you keep having more, until you feel *slightly* tipsy? And then you stand up because you want to go pee, but suddenly you realize you’re barely able to walk? And you fall on your ass/face? And then your also drunk friends have to pick you up and you all laugh like stupids? And all the people around you looks at you guys with a “WTF?” face? Yeah, I’ve been there. More than once.

    And about the tracksuit, I have some, but I wear them separately. It remembers me too much of the gymnastics teams during competitions. All the members look THE SAME because they have the same outfit. And I am HOPING for pictures of you in that tracksuit. (I go with deutlich, go for Juicy).

  20. But what if you buy the suit and post pictures, then seeing you in it becomes MY latest Moment of Regret? Then I’ll have to go out and try to get some sort of Total Recall-esque memory erasing procedure from some quack doctor to rectify the situation…

    And convincing me that he could actually do that procedure will probably become the quack’s Moment of Regret when, after he sedates me and cuts off the top of my skull, he realizes that everything he knows about surgery he learned from watching The Man With Two Brains 47 times while stoned…

    Then word will get to Steve Martin about it, and suddenly the fact that he ever made that movie will become his biggest Moment of Regret, surpassing his stupid fucking Pink Panther movies…

    Then, since he won’t regret having made TWO stupid fucking Pink Panther movies, he’ll go out and make another one.

    And every one of you bastards will regret that.

  21. MAKE IT HAPPEN. You still have the chance to make your dreams come true! I fully support you in your track suit endeavors.

  22. Marcos

    Dude, remember Tassos’ purple velvet track suit? That thing was pimp!

  23. deutlich – I’m too sexy for that.

    essentially – That’s very true.

    matt – Yes – I’m leaning toward Sean John.

    maiden – I’m going! I’m going!

    jenny – Oh no – parents?

    ben – You are great and everyone will love you. Or else…

    unbearable – I’ll check it out!

    marie – Oh yes – gold chain coming right up!

    ang – You know, I actually wanted corn rows at one point in my life? How bad is that?

    lauren – It may be too much for you, I’m warning you.

    stealth – I will do my best, I promise.

    word – Sounds like a plan to me.

    beth – Thank god!

    mrstwink – Hahaha – nice.

    mental – We’ll see what I can do.

    dingo – Unlimited salad and bread sticks? Hell yes! And really, lets do a meet up!

    freeandflawed – I know, I really did. And I only have myself to blame.

    kali – But don’t you think that’ll be just too sexy?

    andy – Ah, those are the best times.

    justin – That comment was better than my entire post.

    arielle – Thank you!

    marcos – Hell yes! That’s the inspiration here.

  24. LMSO (Laughing My Socks Off)

    I absolutely love your blogs! You sound like we would probably be good friends in real life (v. blog life).

    I definitely think the velour suit with some scraggly chest hairs (if you dont have your own) painted on would be great! get a cheap gold chain while you’re at it! HOT! = )

  25. Maybe I should mail you a tracksuit as a gift. What color? I see you in baby blue.

  26. you so need to post a picture.

  27. I demand picture evidence as well. Make sure you aren’t just all blog and no bite.

  28. Then call up Tony Soprano and tell him that you ard your new track suit are ready to be his most faithful Lieutenant.

  29. Matt

    and make sure it says juicy on the ass…

    Ari will like that.

  30. you better be careful. once you get that track suit you might be headed straight for another regret. the regret that you haven’t taken that suit on a cruise.

  31. I wore a pink velour track suit once to the grocery store. When I ran into the hottest guy in school, that was my Moment of Regret.

    (this is totally a Cosmo-girl story I stole)

  32. Velour sounds comfy. I envy the man in the velour track suit.

  33. speaking of huge blogger meet ups i want to plan a 20SB one! i think you should post about it because everyone reads you (enough with the ego boost)

    but seriously i really do think it needs to be done.

  34. Miz

    I fully encourage you to buy old school sneakers two sizes two big, and sporting them sans laces. YOU CAN DO IT! WE ALL BELIEVE IN YOU!

  35. Might I suggest going to the cheapest, dirtiest 2nd hand store you can find and purchasing something that costs no more than $3? Because you know you won’t be wearing that again. Right? RIGHT?

  36. I agree with that Mindy up there. She sounds smart.

  37. This is very sad. You need to know what it’s like to wear a track suit, preferably with bulky sunglasses and some accessory, like a scarf or a do wrap. The right footwear, by the way, is sandals.

    I suggest you arrange for a NYC meetup where we all wear track suits. We’ll be the NYC track suit mafia. Oh, wait. The actual NYC mafia is already also the NYC track suit mafia. Well, we’ll be something or something else.

  38. I haven’t either. But I have wore those tear away basketball warm up pants!

    *plays ‘What A Fool Believes’ on the bongos*

  39. meagank

    Chris, I suggest J.Lo Velour. Why, you ask? Because it feels so good against naked, lotioned skin. If you’re going to bare your chest, you should feel like you’re being caressed by a million tiny hands.

    J.Lo knows how to make a man feel sexy. Just ask her husband – he look like a goblin and seems to walk around thinking he’s the shit.

    Just a thought.

  40. I think I have regrets about reading this particular blog entry. But that is just no way to live.

  41. megkathleen

    I hate to say this because I adore Ari, but Brit Brit might be your soulmate. Don’t you remember her wedding where the whole wedding party wore matching tracksuits?

  42. thedoll – I will most def be rocking a gold chain. And sorry about your socks.

    hollywood – Yes! I think that sounds perfect.

    ingrid – I will, I will.

    narm – That would be the worst thing to be.

    your girlfriend – Done and done.

    matt – I like your thinking!

    gina – Hahaha – I didn’t even consider that yet!

    alice – Hahaha – OMG!

    nico – I know, me too.

    alexa – I want one too, but I doubt it’ll ever happen.

    miz – Thank you. I feel a tear coming on.

    mindy – Yeah, I should probably go for the bargain.

    jill – Have you two met? I think you’d get along. Though don’t tell her I said this, but I hear Mindy’s a bit of a hussy.

    stooge – Right! We would be cooler because we all have blogs.

    dan – Those are classy!

    meagan – You are brilliant. Let the million little hands touch my body!

    noelle – I’m sorry. This is the best I got.

    megkathleen – No I don’t! Aw man – I knew I was dating the wrong woman!

  43. Weird– one of my co-workers and I were JUST discussing that whole “no regrets” thing!

    I have to say, I HAVE rocked the full tracksuit look. (But then, I am a girl…)

    I have also worn pajamas outside of the house. Whatever.

    Don’t you judge me– I have a blog too!! 😀

  44. I’ve never donned a full track suit either. Reminds me of NJ and I just can’t handle that.

  45. My biggest regret was well over twice my weight and wore tightie whities.

  46. My boss used to wear a velour track suit. People that he was the man.

    I would like to be that man.

  47. please get one with JUICY or HOT STUFF written on the ass, that’d just make it that much better. 🙂

  48. Oh, blogger meetup! When, where?

    I’ve never worn a track suit either. And I thought those white shoes you posted about a few weeks ago were cute. I’m a double loser.

  49. I am way not okay with the full track suit outfit. I support you having that regret. And I’ve also regretted sleeping with the ugly chick/dude myself. Icehouse calls to me.

  50. The next logical step is for you to go on that I Want to Work For Diddy show.

  51. Pants

    The entire state of Utah has conquered your regret. Which by the way, is the gateway to wearing Crocs.

  52. JK

    My friend is dating this guy who dresses really well but the first time we met him, he was just running to the store in a…yup…you guessed it…track suit. To this day, no matter how well he dresses we call him track suit guy.

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