Am I nervous about guest posting here today? HA. Don’t you know who I am?
I’ll have you know that I was once in the top five in a national writing game. Yes, in Canada – but it still counts, I promise!
I’m basically one of the top five funniest, smartest, best writers in all of Canada. I mean, it says it right there on the website.
Read IN BETWEEN the lines.
What I’m trying to say is that I can handle the pressure. Or, that because I didn’t win, I can handle the rejection.
When I got the boot from the show, it was after a round of writing and delivering movie pitches. Mine was very high-brow, no wonder those slobs didn’t like it. Actually, they also didn’t like me because I wore a tuxedo vest to the radio recording. I was just bringing the Sinatra, baby. And they didn’t complain when I was loaded on Scotch and beat up the host.
They told me that for radio you need to bring lots of personality – they didn’t say WHOSE.
Since then movie pitches have haunted me. Or they have at least for the purpose of this guest post. Convenient, no?
For some movies, it’s pretty clear how the pitch to the executives went down. I mean, some of them were completely easy street.
Bring it On
“Black on white cheerleader rumbles.”
Mr. & Mrs. Smith
“Picture this…Brad Pitt…Angelina Jolie…”
But then there are others – that even if they are considered great movies (I’m saying this only to appease Chris. I’d rather not have him throw away my guest post for insulting one of his mancrushes), you’ve got to wonder how the conversation went.
No really, you’ve got to otherwise this next part will seem really fucking stupid.
“So you’ve got this bus, right? And terrorists have rigged the bus so it’ll explode…”
“I love it.”
“No wait, I’m not finished. It’ll only explode if it goes above or below a certain speed…”
“Why would anyone EVER do that?”
“No no…stay with me…so the bus is barrelling through the city trying to maintain…”
“WHY WOULD ANYONE EVER…”
“Okay, okay…just think for a minute. Fast cars, big explosions…”
“Fast cars? You just said a speeding bus. Busses aren’t sexy.”
“Okay, but what if we put sexy people on the bus? Then you have a big bus of Sexy speeding along, trying not to explode…”
“But it has to explode…why else would I make this movie?”
“And it WILL!”
“It will? That’s a terrible ending.”
“It will AFTER the sexy people get off the bus.”
“Oh…I get it now.”
I’m currently working on my triumphant movie pitch comeback. Stay tuned for the major industry battle for the rights to the film adaptation of my life. I’m still working out the details but I’m pretty sure Jake Gyllenhall will give it some credibility. And I might throw Meryl Streep in there for good measure.
After Mama Mia? She’s up for anything.