tips from one of the top five canadians

Am I nervous about guest posting here today? HA. Don’t you know who I am?

I’ll have you know that I was once in the top five in a national writing game. Yes, in Canada – but it still counts, I promise!

I’m basically one of the top five funniest, smartest, best writers in all of Canada. I mean, it says it right there on the website.

Read IN BETWEEN the lines.

What I’m trying to say is that I can handle the pressure. Or, that because I didn’t win, I can handle the rejection.

When I got the boot from the show, it was after a round of writing and delivering movie pitches. Mine was very high-brow, no wonder those slobs didn’t like it. Actually, they also didn’t like me because I wore a tuxedo vest to the radio recording. I was just bringing the Sinatra, baby. And they didn’t complain when I was loaded on Scotch and beat up the host.

They told me that for radio you need to bring lots of personality – they didn’t say WHOSE.

Since then movie pitches have haunted me. Or they have at least for the purpose of this guest post. Convenient, no?

For some movies, it’s pretty clear how the pitch to the executives went down. I mean, some of them were completely easy street.

Bring it On

“Black on white cheerleader rumbles.”


Mr. & Mrs. Smith

“Picture this…Brad Pitt…Angelina Jolie…”


But then there are others – that even if they are considered great movies (I’m saying this only to appease Chris. I’d rather not have him throw away my guest post for insulting one of his mancrushes), you’ve got to wonder how the conversation went.

No really, you’ve got to otherwise this next part will seem really fucking stupid.


“So you’ve got this bus, right? And terrorists have rigged the bus so it’ll explode…”

“I love it.”

“No wait, I’m not finished. It’ll only explode if it goes above or below a certain speed…”

“Why would anyone EVER do that?”

“No no…stay with me…so the bus is barrelling through the city trying to maintain…”


“Okay, okay…just think for a minute. Fast cars, big explosions…”

“Fast cars? You just said a speeding bus. Busses aren’t sexy.”

“Okay, but what if we put sexy people on the bus? Then you have a big bus of Sexy speeding along, trying not to explode…”

“But it has to explode…why else would I make this movie?”

“And it WILL!”

“It will? That’s a terrible ending.”

“It will AFTER the sexy people get off the bus.”



“Get out.”

“Steven Seagal??”

“Oh…I get it now.”

I’m currently working on my triumphant movie pitch comeback. Stay tuned for the major industry battle for the rights to the film adaptation of my life. I’m still working out the details but I’m pretty sure Jake Gyllenhall will give it some credibility. And I might throw Meryl Streep in there for good measure.

After Mama Mia? She’s up for anything.


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24 responses to “tips from one of the top five canadians

  1. Rachel

    Very funny–I’ve never read Canadian before, but you ARE good!

    As for Jake lending credibility…he’ll at least be up for a little tent rumble. I’d stick with Meryl–maybe a few dingos for good measure!

  2. As long as you get Kelly Clarkson to sing on the soundtrack I’ll watch. She’d totally do it right now.

  3. Yeah, Speed was pretty awesome.

  4. Aww, Ben. As a fellow Canadian, I have to say you’ve made me proud with this post.


  5. bring it on is one of my favorite movies of all time – ill say its in the top 25 for sure.

    “hey ladies, wanna see my spirit stick?”

  6. When watching Bring it On, it’s very hard to BEHAVE.

  7. Make the singing stop! Meryl Streep – let’s pretend you didn’t make that movie.

  8. Think “Speed” is hard, try “Pulp Fiction.” Okay, first we’re going to tell the film out of order…

  9. A big bus of Sexy, eh? You’re hilarious!

    Oh, and Jake Gylenhaal….drool…good call. ^__^

  10. I think you’re the first Canadian blogger I’ve read! Quite exciting, I know.

  11. Hahahaha… I am almost in tears of laughing so hard now!
    Well, after Mamma Mia, I think even Pierce Brosnan is willing to make anything. You know, in case Jake Gyllenhall feels this part is TOO much for him.
    All the excitement and the adventure may be more suitable to Pierce.

  12. Matt

    Top 5?

    You’re easily top 3.

    Dont sell yourself short Ben.

  13. In Mexico, it was released with the title “El Speedo” and, oddly enough, that Spanish translation was a mediocre box office success back here in the US when people assumed it was soft-core gay porn.

  14. For a Canadian, this is an acceptable guest post.

  15. Jake Gyllenhaal?


  16. What’s that movie where the bus SPEEDS through everyone and if it slows down its SPEED everyone will blow up so it just keeps SPEEDING?

    I think it was called The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down.

    /Homer Simpson

  17. Stealthnerd

    you forgot the pitch for “mean girls.”

    Hot young girls catfighting in short skirts.


    Very nice post tho–you did Chris proud.

  18. Pants

    I’ve decided Meryl Strep is capable of doing anything. I wish she’d come live with my parents and go to school for me.

  19. haha, speed is my all time favorite movie…ridiculous i know. but i would have loved to be in on that pitch too, haha.

  20. What’s the only pitch harder than Speed? SPEED TWO: CRUISE CONTROL. “Um, it’ll be like the one on the bus, only with a cruise ship instead. Don’t like it? At least this puppy has a cocktail bar on board.” Sold.

  21. Legend

    I dont get this canadian humour…it feels like I am watching curling… Get Matt Damon for cred and box office bang..

  22. So WHO are you??? (haha, just kidding) πŸ˜‰

  23. Bring It On is awesome.

    Cheerleaders are dancers who have gone retarded. What you do is a tiny, pathetic subset of dancing. I will attempt to turn your robotic routines into poetry, written with the human body. Follow me, or perish, sweater monkeys.

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