before 7:56

On my way to the gym, I’m sitting on the train and listening to some rocking jams when my phone freezes. Of course this is not shocking to me, because although the iPhone makes you 37% cooler than other people, it fucks up all the time.

I decide to just forget it and brave the commute without music.

The snoring coming from the Dog The Bounty Hunter lookalike to my left makes me want to vomit in my mouth, but somehow I don’t.

I get to the gym and realize that I didn’t pack my shorts.  I think for a second about how fun it would be to just work out in my boxer briefs, but then realize that it might be against club policy, so I decide that I’m going to have to buy some new ones at the store.

The store is closed.

I ask one of the personal trainers what time it opens and she tells me seven.

It is 7:10.

I decide to wait around for a couple minutes.

I stand in front of the store looking like some kind of jack ass as people pass by me and wonder if maybe I’m trying to get a peep in the women’s locker room, which is located right next to the store.  I think I even see one of the women mouth “Pervert” as she walks by.  I take it as a compliment.

After standing there for way too long and freaking out some of the women, I decide to leave.  Just as I’m about to walk out with my bag in tow, I see the guy who runs the shop opening it up.

I am excited.  I think that maybe my morning might not be so shitty after all.

The store does not have any shorts my size.  The guy tries to convince me that a extra large would fit me, but I just look at him and say, “I don’t think this is going to work out” and leave.

I walk to work and when I get there, I realize that because my phone won’t work, I can’t access the code to turn off the alarm once I get inside.

I decide to go in anyway because I think I can remember the code.

I get in and the alarm starts blazing.

I can’t remember the code.

I start searching the other desks frantically, hoping that someone has it written down somewhere. Meanwhile the alarm is going off, my phone won’t work and dammit I am not an extra large.

My ears are about to begin bleeding when I plug my phone into the charger to see if that will turn it on.  It works.  I turn off the alarm and sit down at my desk.

Ten minutes go by.

I hear the door to the front of the office open, and in walk two cops.

I tell them that I set the alarm off and they just shake their heads.  They ask me if I have any dead bodies hidden under the desk.

I smile and say, “Not yet.”

They leave and I turn back to my computer.  I try my phone and it does not work.  I tell it that it is going to burn in hell.

It is 7:57.


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58 responses to “before 7:56

  1. Ben

    But yet life still seems pretty good, no? Win bonus poinst with the future wife, damnit! SAY HOW NOTHING ELSE MATTERS!

    God…it’s so hard trying to get people laid these days…

  2. Oh no, much too early in the morning for all of those shenanigans. But hey, look at the bright side, you didn’t have to work out today! Bonus.

  3. Don’t you love it when the morning starts out so great?

  4. JK

    Just go home and go back to bed. Wait for tomorrow.

  5. The day can only get better.

  6. Damn! I bet you are ready for a happy hour drink already.

  7. that’s about the time you turn around and go home and try again tomorrow.

    and now the iphone freezes up too? Deduction in cool percentages.

  8. Proof positive: exercise is actually bad for you. I also believe that we are standing on the threshold of an iPhone backlash. Stories like yours will fuel it.

  9. Today is a day for drinking my friend, today is a day for drinking!

  10. Matt

    What kind of fitness club are you in that wont let you work out in boxers?

    I mean fuck, if some dudes can wear that spandexy shit…surely boxers would work, no?

    Unless they are the kind without buttons…I’m sure you know what I’m sayin.

  11. Bum out. iPhone loses a point…

  12. JL

    Don’t listen to the other voices. Your day can get worse, it can become like mine which is peaches and cream – I just got told to redo the last two weeks worth of work only better and in less than a week. I love my job…

    I’m going to put flies in the coffee.

  13. That was the best worst day story I’ve heard.

  14. This is why God made sick days. You don’t look so good, and your forehead feels warm – you better take the afternoon off.

  15. JB

    Someone’s had a rought morning. The day can only get better from there, right?

  16. I hate days that start out like that.

    And THANK YOU for being the only person to make me not want an iPhone.

  17. Ah.

    That sucks, dude.

    Go home and hide in your bed.

  18. Jo

    Serves you right for getting up so early.

  19. that woman was trying to ask you out. i only date guys if they are perverts.

  20. If anything else goes wrong, I give you full permission to stab someone.

  21. ben – Dammit! I am so damn slow today.

    dutchess – Yes that’s true.

    sassy – It’s fabulous!

    jk – Good idea.

    essentially – I really hope so. Maybe Batman will go to lunch with me.

    marie – Oh hell yes.

    allthewine – I know! Deduction in cool points makes me sad.

    unbearable – You know, I could totally see that happening.

    word – Yeah, but I feel that way about every day.

    matt – Yup – no one wants to see Chris Jr swinging around.

    jessica – I know – I’ve had mine for a year and it always fucks up.

    jl – Good idea.

    alexis – Well, at least that’s something. Thanks!

    narm – You are a smart man.

    jb – I guess we’ll see.

    beth – Yeah, but honestly, it’s still really awesome.

    kristen – I wish I could.

    jo – I am a bad person.

    gina – Well damn…

    mental – Thanks. Come visit me in jail, okay?

  22. That’s too much to handle so early in the morning. It’s 10:35 a.m. and I can’t even imagine doing all of that yet. I still need some coffee!

  23. Keef

    i seem to remember from an earlier post that you are god (pic of god is here pointing at you), why couldn’t you have just done a mindmeld and solved that problem?

  24. At least you didn’t go for the extra small, they can get frightening.

  25. Don’t worry. Soon, that gym won’t matter at all. You’ll be married and can start to let yourself go.

  26. About two months ago, I was working out at the gym, minding my own business, when an older man walked into the workout room in his boxers and his undershirt. He was working out IN HIS UNDERWEAR. I’m glad you didn’t decide to do that.

  27. deutlich

    Uhm. I second what allthewine said. I would’ve already turned back and gone home by now. Sick days are totally worth using.

  28. i have my office alarm code in my phone too. i have it under a really awesome fake name.

    taylor tattlerbaum to be exact.

  29. Yep. Passwords in the iPhone. Me too. If anyone ever gets mine, they can totally steal my identity. Thank god the fucker hardly ever works. It’s a security feature.

  30. Welcome to my past week and a half.

    It fucking sucks.

  31. At least you didn’t go for the extra small, they can get frightening.

    Oh sorry, Dr Z already said that.

    Uhh.. lessee.. uh, well, I hope your day gets better. And if it doesn’t you can always bitch to me about it, if you want. That is, if I’m not busy. Which I probably will be. Listen, don’t you have a fiancee to whine to?

  32. Tara

    I too have an iPhone and here is what the Nice Person at 1-iphone-help told me. Hold the ‘home’ button and the power button together until you see the white apple (kinda like seeing the white rabbit but without all of the drugs) Turn phone back on and things should be ok. Mine did this several times and I finally got so mad that I sent it in for warranty (not as painful as it sounds).

    Good luck, and congratulations. It’s about time Jack got a Real Daddy!

  33. I also keep a cellphone note with most of my passwords. I wonder what might happen if my cellphone froze. YIKES!

  34. Wow, your days really run the gauntlet from good to bad, don’t they? You should have just gotten an extra large tee-shirt and worked out in your undies, no one would have known…

  35. Pants

    What an awesome start to the day!

  36. You did more before 7:56am than the majority of people in my office.

    And an extra large? Ouch…

  37. I dare you to buy a coffee. Just to see what happens.

  38. It’s 3:03 where you are now, isn’t it?
    I believe that is the start of the common urban ritual known as “happy hour”.

    Now get out and get a cocktail down your gullet, stat. Two or three more and you’ll probably forget today even happened.

  39. megkathleen

    It sounds like one of those days when the first word out of your mouth when you wake up is motherfucker.

  40. jenn – I know. I might die.

    keef – I can’t just use my powers all willy-nilly! I have to use them for causes like solving poverty and making sure the Wayans brothers stay away.

    zibbs – Very good point.

    justin – Yes!

    angela – Damn – I hope you didn’t get a peek.

    deutlich – I should have done that, but you know, I have deadlines today and blah, blah, blah.

    alexa – Nice! Mine is “Jackson.” No last name. Just Jackson.

    megan – They should make a new ad about that.

    jamie – We should meet between Chi-town and here and drink our sorrows away.

    falwless – I knew you’d be busy, so I didn’t want to bother you. I am nice like that.

    tara – Thanks for the help – but that didn’t work. I’ve used that before, and that guy is wrong anyway – you only have to hold down the top button to reset it, not both at once. It’s working now for some reason. It was soooo worth the money! Right?

    andy – Nothing good.

    noelle – Hahaha – awesome!

    pants – It was really very fun.

    twink – I know! How rude.

    kiala – You know, I honestly think I’d freak out and end up in the hospital. Good blog material though!

    whiskey – Congrats on being the first person to ever say “gullet” on my blog. I am sending you a gift. Maybe.

    megkathleen – Hahaha – exactly.

  41. It seems like a lot of people have had that kind of day today. Something in the water, perhaps?

  42. I feel better about my day now. Thanks.

  43. Extra larges fit everyone. You would look weird, but people would just mistake you for a rapper or something.

  44. In at 8? Can you at least leave early? That should be a good balance for your uber shitty morning? Which, while it did suck, still provided good blog fodder and you can’t knock that, can you?

  45. You should just go home. Days like that should be spent in bed or at the beach.

  46. and i thought my mornings started out hectic seeing as to how i always forget something when i go to the gym in the morning.

  47. Goose

    I love my iPhone but man sometimes I could chuck it off a cliff. I’d cry uncontrolably afterward but atleast it wouldn’t freeze up!!

  48. Kat

    I know I’m supposed to be all, “Oh poor baby, what a hard life,” but instead I find myself feeling vaguely jealous that you could go through all of that and then post about it within an hour.

  49. I don’t have any of my passwords/codes stored anywhere… what’s going to happen if I forget them?!? Holy crap, I never thought of that.

    Ummm… I recommend beer. Take two and call me in the morning.

    I’m a neurologist! 😉

  50. do you have beer in your office? I would’ve grabbed one.

  51. I need to know about this iPhone freezing up thing… do you regret the purchase?

  52. Man, if I had a nickel for every time this happened to me…

  53. Thrilled that you’re a Rise Against fan! I would have gone home and bought a ticket to see them live, in order to make the day happier. If you haven’t seen them live yet, GO. They’re amazing, seriously.

  54. Truly, Ja Rule was right: life is pain.

  55. Well, even though the universe hates you, you still have someone who wants to marry you. Surely that counts for something.

  56. modern – Maybe, just maybe… Should I call Bloomberg?

    jamelah – You’re welcome.

    rs – I should have done it, I knew it!

    stealth – Yes, I guess so.

    chardsy – I know, I was stupid not to.

    katelin – It can get pretty crazy, which just kind of sucks.

    goose – Exactly my thoughts.

    kat – So what you’re saying is that I’m Superman, right?

    jen – I wish all doctors were like you.

    allison – No way. Do you? If so, can I come by?

    maxie – Not overall, it’s still awesome. If you’re willing to accept the occasional fuck-ups, then I’d say get it.

    arjewtino – What? What would happen????

    phil – My friend turned me on to them a couple months ago – yes, they are kick ass.

    pistols – Isn’t he always?

    mindy – I guess.

  57. “I smile and say, “Not yet.””

    Hahahahaha yes. I hate those mornings.

    Although, it must be pointed out to you that it is not physically possible to be a civilised human being before 8am.

    Just so you know.

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