face the music

Life just isn’t very fun anymore.

You know that, right?

Aside from making fun of people who are Weird Because They’re Different, the joy just gets sucked out of life once you become an adult.

It’s mainly because there’s always such huge consequences for when you do something stupid.  When you miss a payment on a bill, your credit score takes a hit.  When you punch someone in the neck for saying they don’t like Shrinky Dinks, you go to jail.

It’s not like when you were a kid, when the worst that happened to you when you fucked up was that you got detention.

I used to get detention all the time.

I know, you’re shocked.

But it’s true.  I went to catholic school from first to eighth grade and I would say I spent about 3/4 of my time in detention.

I’d be throwing my sweet ninja star that I made out of paper – detention!  I’d be trying to holler at Angela Abbodanza, that ball of brunette amazingness – detention!  I’d be trying to act like I saw the newest episode of The Simpsons even though I didn’t because my Mom wouldn’t let me watch it – detention!

I never minded it though, because detention was basically a meeting of all the cool kids.

I’d stroll in, high five Jake Breiding, nod a cool “what’s good” to Martin Craig and take my seat, knowing that the rumors were spreading about me and tomorrow the school would be filled with stories about The Bad Kids.

All I ever did in detention was draw Awesome Cool Things, like monsters biting the heads off of my teachers, and write lyrics to songs that were the shit, like “Same Ol’ Situation” by Motley Crue.

It was a really good time, as you can see.

No matter what I did, I could always count on going to see Sister Nancy – who had no eyelashes and no eyebrows (!!!) – and then going on to the detention room.

Detention was the easiest consequence I’ve ever had to deal with.

Today when I do something terrible, I get an adult punishment, which always makes me think twice about doing it again, because there’s no Angela Abbodanza in prison.

Bubba and “Give me your tater tots before I smash your face” yes, but no Angela.


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47 responses to “face the music

  1. Once I got a “cleaning detention” and had to clean the art room during study hall. I loved painting at the time and really just had to organize the paints and brushes. It was the easiest detention ever.

  2. Dear lord I was a dork in middle school, wasn’t I?

  3. In Jr. High, I once got detention for laughing when our gym teacher fell through the swinging door and onto the gym floor.

    It is apparently against the rules to have a sense of humor in gym class.

    Who knew?

  4. When I went to Catholic school, we would just get thwacked with a ruler. Then I got the hell out of there! (Kept the uniform though… wink wink!)

    Then I got detention a few times in high school (what? even GOOD kids get detention!) but my math teacher was also one of my swim coaches, so he let me do my detention in there and Tia and I would pretty much spend the whole time bugging him and trying to convince him to let us order a pizza.

  5. I only got it for chewing gum in class.

    I’m sure that’s on my permanent record somewhere. Probably will come up in a future job interview…

    “Well, Mr. Stanley, I have to say, I’m impressed. You’ve wowed us all with your charm, intellect, dashing good looks and, yes, that odor of manly wild flowers is enchanting. But there IS this unfortunate matter on your permanent record…”

  6. Matt

    Your mom didn’t let you watch The Simpsons?


    I’m sorry.

  7. Ben

    I got detention because an ad that I drew for a class assignment objectified women.


  8. I went to Catholic school from grades 1 thru 10… yeah! I don’t think I was in detention more than 5 times throughout that entire time period. Not because I was a good kid… only because I mastered the art of shifting blame and not getting caught!

  9. I got detention once and it was so damn boring. We actually had to WORK. Meaning, complete our homework assignments. I almost fell asleep!

  10. I LOVE the tags for this post 🙂

  11. I grew up in South America, so we didn’t have detention. Punishments were more like going to the principal’s office, being kicked out of the classroom and taking a note home. These were all terrifying options, but I still managed to get kicked out of class a million times.

    When I moved to the States for high school, I only got detention once and it was for being late to school 3 times.

  12. meagank

    I got detention once, for calling my sixth grade English teacher “trite” … that fucker should have given me an automatic A and sent me to seventh grade ahead of the idiots in my class.

  13. I wish I could get work detention – put me in a room and let me do nothing for a few hours.

    Best detention story – depantsing a kid in front of the principal – totally worth it.

  14. in school (i also went to catholic schools), we had a conduct grade. it started at 100 the beginning of ech quarter and every time you got a demerit for like a dress code violation, being late etc points were taken off your “grade”.

    let’s just say i always had a D or an F. my mom was so proud.

    detention WAS where all the cool kids hung out.

    excuse me while i go sneak a smoke in the girls locker room.

  15. @ Matt–not everyone got to watch the Simpsons as a kid….sniff sniff.

  16. On my whole life, I think I’ve been in detention… once.
    But, who knows, I still have my senior year to go, so maybe this could be the year I become a rebel and spend my afternoons in detention.

  17. longredcape

    That is true about the “cool kids” being in detention. I was always there for being late. LAME!

  18. deutlich

    but..but..but… acting grown is SO OVERRATED!

  19. Matt

    The Simpsons aren’t even bad though.

    Why would you censor The Simpsons? I feel sorry for you guys that missed out on them…because that truly is a tragedy.

  20. Angela Abbodanza MIGHT be in prison, just not the one you’d go to.

    Also, is that her real name? Because I wonder what she thinks of your blog when she googles herself and you have a label called “Angela Abbodanza got boobs first”.

    I bet she’s thrilled, that’s what I bet.

  21. Miz

    I was also not allowed to watch the simpsons….maybe THAT’s why I’m single! Thanks mom and dad.

  22. You know how they have those “School of Rock” type camps for kids? We should start a “School” camp for adults! It could be a week-long vacation, but the whole thing would be set up like elementary school. There could be hot “teachers” and everything! It’d be awesome!

  23. I had like, one, detention in my entire life. I thought that would be a sign of good things to come in my adulthood. I was wrong. I should have gone for the detentions.

    (And the one I got was for not doing my homework on time. So lame!)

  24. Oh my hell…I LOVE shrinky dinks! Do they still make them? Probably not. Too “dangerous” for kids nowadays.

  25. There are people who don’t like Shrinky Dinks?

  26. stealth – Um, yes.

    kristen – I would have been right there with you on that.

    jen – Good move on keeping the outfit.

    justin – Oh yeah, you’ll never find a job with that on there.

    matt – I’m sorry too.

    ben – Wow – that is fucking stupid.

    mental – You were a much better criminal mastermind than me.

    marie – That sucks. Bad Kids don’t do homework!

    jenn – Thanks!

    douche – Oh yes, the principal visit was the worst.

    meagan – Damn right. I just looked up “trite.”

    narm – Hahaha – awesome!

    alexa – Hell yeah sister.

    andy – I, for one, hope so.

    longred – Well at least you were there.

    deutlich – I know – it’s terrible.

    matt – My Mom always said that “Normal families don’t act like that.” Yes Mom, normal families don’t act like us either though.

    mindy – Not only is she thrilled, she is also saddened that she missed her chance with me.

    miz – Your parents are to blame for that one for sure.

    todd – I’d be the first one to sign-up.

    noelle – Yup, that’s lame.

    ballerina – Yes they do! But I think it’s just stupid stuff now, nothing cool like it was back in the day.

    ifiweretina – It makes you mad, doesn’t it???

  27. JK

    My favorite punishment was when we got silent lunch. I was always there. Basically, what we did in silent lunch was throw things at the kids who were allowed to talk and then one of them would get blamed and get sent to our silent table.

    It was a riot!

  28. i don’t think i ever got detention. i was too good of a kid. and now i’ve missed my chance to screw up. damn.

  29. I can totally picture you in a plaid skirt and dreadlocks in little pigtails.

  30. Damn funny post. Damn funny, son. Oh and I apparently like calling people “son.” Deal.

    I went to Catholic school from K-12th grade, so I totally know whatchu talkin’ ’bout. But Sister Nancy was Sister Irma and she looked exactly like Ursula from The Little Mermaid. Not even kidding.

    Anyway, they say laughter is the best medicine, and after this post I’m pretty sure I don’t have the syphilis any longer. So thanks for that. Really.

  31. megkathleen

    So that is why I was never one of the popular kids. I needed to go to detention. I was too much of a goody goody to ever get in trouble.

  32. I had inside recess for a week one time because I wrote a note in class to a boy telling him I loved him. How cruel.

    I also had a teacher with no eye brows who used to draw them in. One day she only had one. But miraculously after lunch the one one appeared.

    I don’t know why eye brow pencils haven’t put Rogaine out of business. So natural.

  33. I too am a Catholic school alumni but all the way to grade 12 for me. And it wasn’t until my senior year, when I had all the teachers and deans on my side that I could get a detention slip and just not show up! {I’d still get them weekly though}

    In grade school, I’d get in trouble and they’d send me to “Sister’s Bench” …Sister Mary Bride, whose cheeks shook while she threatened you and pointed her finger at you …except that I was taller than she was and could totally take her. I never did, of course, but that’s what was going through my mind watching those cheeks wobble.

  34. I was in public school where detention was a never-ending fun playground of frisbee throwing and card games. At least once the teacher fell asleep it was.

  35. JL

    When I do stupid kid things as a pseudo-adult, stupid adult humans do stupid kid things as discipline like give me letter that says “I’m warning you”… the last time I posted a note in class I actually was a kid… LOSERS!

  36. I always thought it was Big Carl who greeted you in prison, but if you say it’s Bubba, we’ll go along with that.

  37. One time I was indetention with Emilio Eztevez and Anthony Michael Hall. they were acting all cool but then I realized we had a lot more in common then I thought.

    Maybe that didn’t happen.

  38. I think you spent waaay too much time watching The Breakfast Club. So who were you? The rebel (Judd Nelson) or the frat brat kid who’s family ignored him (Emilio Estevez). You could’ve been the good kid led astray (Ali Sheedy) but I don’t want to picture you in a skirt and make-up.

  39. There are people who don’t like Shrinky Dinks? But they’re a fashion icon!

    I remember detention being excruciatingly boring. I used to get it for being tardy, because that was the worst thing I did in high school. But let me tell you, those tardies add up, and then the Vice Pricipal can threaten you with Saturday School.

  40. Dude.

    I just realized.

    As a kid, I was lame. Not than I’m any cooler now. But when I had the chance, when it was perfect timing, when I could’ve fucked up and gotten away with it… I didn’t.

    I envy you.

  41. Consequences are way overrated, methinks.

  42. oh my gosh… i had a roommate in college with no eyelashes and no eyebrows

    she was the devil so i figured that was her punishment from God

  43. nicoleantoinette

    I never figured you for the detention type actually. More the “bad on the outside but shiny as fuck on the inside” type. Go figure.

  44. To all the credit nonsense and adult things, I say “BAH!!” Equally bad, methinks, is the parental guilt trip(s) that can come along with the already-obnoxious adult punishments. Yuck.

  45. I was such a goody two shoes in high school– I wish I had spent more time in detention. And kicked more peoples asses.

  46. Slightly in love with your blog. I feel we would have made good detention-friends.

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