Life just isn’t very fun anymore.
You know that, right?
Aside from making fun of people who are Weird Because They’re Different, the joy just gets sucked out of life once you become an adult.
It’s mainly because there’s always such huge consequences for when you do something stupid. When you miss a payment on a bill, your credit score takes a hit. When you punch someone in the neck for saying they don’t like Shrinky Dinks, you go to jail.
It’s not like when you were a kid, when the worst that happened to you when you fucked up was that you got detention.
I used to get detention all the time.
I know, you’re shocked.
But it’s true. I went to catholic school from first to eighth grade and I would say I spent about 3/4 of my time in detention.
I’d be throwing my sweet ninja star that I made out of paper – detention! I’d be trying to holler at Angela Abbodanza, that ball of brunette amazingness – detention! I’d be trying to act like I saw the newest episode of The Simpsons even though I didn’t because my Mom wouldn’t let me watch it – detention!
I never minded it though, because detention was basically a meeting of all the cool kids.
I’d stroll in, high five Jake Breiding, nod a cool “what’s good” to Martin Craig and take my seat, knowing that the rumors were spreading about me and tomorrow the school would be filled with stories about The Bad Kids.
All I ever did in detention was draw Awesome Cool Things, like monsters biting the heads off of my teachers, and write lyrics to songs that were the shit, like “Same Ol’ Situation” by Motley Crue.
It was a really good time, as you can see.
No matter what I did, I could always count on going to see Sister Nancy – who had no eyelashes and no eyebrows (!!!) – and then going on to the detention room.
Detention was the easiest consequence I’ve ever had to deal with.
Today when I do something terrible, I get an adult punishment, which always makes me think twice about doing it again, because there’s no Angela Abbodanza in prison.
Bubba and “Give me your tater tots before I smash your face” yes, but no Angela.