you learn something new everyday

This morning at the gym I had a revelation:  I am not a big fan of people.

I’ve always kind of known this, but as I was busy acting like I knew what I was doing with this weird benchpress-like thingy, I heard this guy grunting extremely loud as he lifted a dumbbell – and at that moment I thought to myself, “Man, people really just piss me off.”

The thing about this guy was that his grunting was not just the normal kind of grunting.  He was yelling and I could hear it over the Belinda Carlisle playing on my iPod, and one thing you never do, you never – ever – get in the way of me and my Belinda Carlisle.

I put my music on pause to take in the full scene, and it got better when I actually saw him, because he was exactly what I was expecting.

He had a weight belt on, some loose at the top, tapered at the bottom cotton pants, a neon green tank top that did not cover his nipples because it was so small and he was sucking on a lollipop.  

A fucking lollipop!

You could tell he thought the lollipop was what the ladies really loved about him, because he kept taking it out and looking around, then putting it back in his mouth as he bobbed his mullet-covered head to his music.

And then of course, there was the grunting.

Every time he lifted the wieght, veins popped out of places that I don’t think you’re supposed to have veins and he would let out a “Yeeeaaaargh!!!”

I really just don’t fucking care for people who do that.

There is no need for grunting that loud.  If you have to grunt that loud, surprise! That means the weight is too heavy for you! 

No one cares that you can lift an 85 pound dumbbell – because you’re not even doing it right!  If you were you wouldn’t look like your head was about to explode while you were doing it.

It just doesn’t make any sense.

I watched the stupid fuck for about ten minutes, and then went back to my workout.

I was glad he came along because maybe I would never have realized that I really don’t like people.

Although I’m willing to bet I would have figured it out eventually.


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52 responses to “you learn something new everyday

  1. My favorite thing to do to guys like that is to turn to my girlfriend, whisper something, giggle and then indicate with my hands that I think he has a small penis. I do that to guys that drive Hummers too.

    I’m a cruel cruel bitch

  2. Ben

    Heaven is a Place on Earth was my official first favourite song at age three or four.

    Obvious foreshadowing.

  3. I hope to god you captured pics of this.

  4. I’m a little surprised it took you this long to realize you don’t like people–especially in this city where annoying people outnumber non-annoying people like, 1,000 to 1.

    And really? A lollipop at the gym? Lame, sir. Lame.

  5. My thoughts exactly!

    I also don’t like crowds. People turn into idiots when they’re in a huge crowd!

  6. And that is why I have a membership at Planet Fitness, because they kick out EVERYONE AND ANYONE like that man.

    Makes me happy =)

  7. If you are lucky, on one of his inhales he will swallow that lollipop. You MUST bulk up so that you will be able to prevent all the other muscleheads from reaching him to perform CPR.

  8. the mental picture created with your words is magical. thank you for that.

  9. My four-year-old daughter told me the other day that she doesn’t like people. When I asked her why, she told me “they make me MAD.”

    I’m not sure whether I should be worried or proud.

  10. You work in advertising and it took you this long to realize you hate people?

  11. My question is how did you NOT get this on camera? Video camera that is.

  12. You should have punched him in the face.

  13. I lift and 85 ounce barbell and I think my head will explode. I blame gyms.

  14. deutlich

    next you’ll be telling us you jam out to Wilson Phillips..

  15. matt

    Everytime you talk about whats on your ipod I am surprised.

    It’s like- I think I know you…then BAM! Belinda Carlisle.

  16. Dude, some people grunt when they get their swell on at the gym. It’s the same people who subsist on a liquid diet of protein and jagerbombs. JAGERBOMB. JAGERBOMB. JAGERBOMB. Sorry. I’m going to ban myself from YouTube now.

  17. Really? A lollipop? Hardly the thing to do to impress the ladies, methinks.

  18. I bet any of us could have told you that you don’t like people.

  19. inreallife – Damn! That is harsh.

    ben – Hahaha – awesome comment!

    dan – I wish, but I don’t work out with a camera.

    stealth – I think it just needed something like this to bubble to the surface.

    alexis – Yup! I haven’t been to a concert in a long time and I don’t regret it!

    beth – That sounds like a quality gym.

    dingo – More reps will commence on Monday!

    ang – Hahaha – you’re welcome.

    justin – Be proud my friend, be very proud.

    narm – I’m stupid.

    marie – Well it doesn’t fit in my shorts.

    jamie – Hahaha – you’re so gangsta!

    melissa – It’s the right thing to blame.

    deutlich – Not yet…

    matt – I know, I’m kind of all over the place.

    elle – Hahaha – good idea.

    phil – I know!

    arielle – Yeah, that’s a good point. You too though!

  20. him and lil’ wayne should hang out

  21. If we were in the same city, I would say this is the same guy who sets up a canvas with what I’m sure is someone else’s painting on the busy street near my house, where he dances, looks around to see who’s watching him, and occasionally pretends to make a brush stroke.
    So. Hot.

  22. men + lollipops = gross…

    except for lil wayne. Because he makes lollipops hot.

  23. I know that guy! He is in every gym in the country, all day, every day.

    What a phenomenal douche.

    How dare he come between you and Belinda?

    ps. i also have major problems with the mullet and lollipop. lollipop a the gym? seriously?

  24. Ya I agree with everyone else about the lollipop – it’s not exactly the universal sign of masculinity. That dude comes to my gym too! I like especially how he looks at girls while he tries to lift the weights to see if they’re impressed.

  25. I keep having a problem with dudes who want to know what I’m listening to on my iPOD.

    And then I tell them and they have no fucking idea what to say next because they don’t understand any words other than “Maroon 5” or “Nickelback”.

    It’s awkward.

  26. “He had a weight belt on, some loose at the top, tapered at the bottom cotton pants, a neon green tank top that did not cover his nipples because it was so small and he was sucking on a lollipop.”

    Is it wrong that I laughed for about 5 minutes non-stop?

  27. KT

    This guy at the gym sounds hot, especially with a lollipop in his mouth. Do you think you could get his number for me? 😉

  28. people like that are why i stopped going to the gym

  29. It is the Olympics.

    Just sayin’

    Sayin’ what?

    i don’t know.

  30. Sounds like The Incredible Hulk where I go to the gym…. Except for the lollipop. That is TOO much and just TOO funny.

  31. Sometimes people suck…

    … on lollipops!

    (See what I did there?!? Clever.)


  32. alexa – I think they’d get along great. I think that they both share a love for Zima too.

    megan – He sounds hot, I’m vaguely aroused right now. Can one be “vaguely” aroused?

    maxie – That dude is the most overrated hip-hop artist out right now, he took the title from 50.

    maria – I know, it makes me dizzy when I think about it.

    alice – He is everywhere!

    kiala – At least that keeps them at a safe distance from then on.

    andy – Not at all. And thanks!

    kt – Done and done.

    julie – It’s a good enough reason that’s for sure.

    rs – Yeah, that was confusing.

    angela – It does! Do you think they’re in a gang together?

    jen – You are a genius!

  33. HRT

    I started reading your post, and I was thinking,

    “Did I write this?”

    Because I think the SAME thing using the same words. I am not a big fan of people. Especially Jerktroids who think that the world revolves around them. I think that’s why they workout so much, to increase their gravitational pull so that more objects in the universe revolve around them.

  34. There are steriod lollipops??

    Who knew?!

    You can be buff, enraged and cute all at the same time. Genius.

  35. Pants

    DUDE! I’m sucking on a lollipop RIGHT NOW! Do you know that means? Creepy tank top, nipple exposing guy and I are MFEO. Please pass on my email next time you see him!

  36. Circles in the Sand.

    I love her.

  37. The lollipop shows the ladies my playful side, as does my comically undersized shirt.

    God, it’s like you don’t know what women want at all.

    Also, my goal in life is to build a time machine and date all of the Go-Gos circa 1979, so nice musical selection.

  38. seriously where is your gym? you have the most random assortment people there it’s crazy.

  39. god i hate those toolboxes at the gym. though my gym is a “judgement free zone” and there are signs that say “absolutely no grunting,” no one pays attention to it.

  40. One day he’ll choke on it. Fingers crossed . . .

    I’m not a big fan of people either. Particularly not in the gym. Which was a good excuse to stop going . . .

  41. JL

    I agree with Deutlich. And people suck. I have known this for a while and no matter how much you shout out the car window like a stuck pig that people suck, they don’t seem to stop sucking. I think I need a bigger window.

  42. I really think Belinda is on my iPod too. Heaven is a place on Earth came out a very formative time for me.

  43. Rurg.

    A mullet + non-nip nip covering garments
    = run for the love of Baby Jesus!

  44. adorablybitter

    Well, there is a chance he will accidentaly choke on that lollipop, have a near-death experience and come out of it a better person.

    Or not.

  45. When I see people like that I immediately snap my head around to see if there is somebody playing a joke on me and filming my reaction. It’s like some people are a caricature of a caricature of themselves and it just seems too good to be true.

    Congratulations on your revelation, by the way. Quite a surprise.

  46. A lollipop in the gym…seriously?!

    Although, I’m willing to bet Lil Wayne would be proud.

  47. And that, my friend, is the very definition of Douche Bag.

    You should take his picture and send it in to the dictionary making dudes.

    They’ll be very grateful to have it.

  48. Echidnagirl

    Sad thing is there are some babes who probably hang on every word he says. Both words he knows in fact.

  49. You know that dude was looking in the mirror thinking “Me like lollipop and Girls think me Hot!”

    LOL!!!!!! Oh this post was too funny!

  50. I don’t like people either. I am so happy to know that you feel the same way. And there is an amazing array of tools at the gym… really gets under my skin.

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