well

The Internet is down at work and I’m posting this from my phone.

This is going to be a very long day. I might keep a live blog going of my adventure.

Or maybe I’ll just take my life.

Tell Beyonce I love her and I forgive her for keeping our wild, lusty romance a secret.

10:41 – Decided not to take my own life. I remembered I like beer too much to do that. Also, just got finished playing Hangman on the whiteboard here. The subject was “tv shows,” so I made mine Thunder Cats. When someone guessed it right, I yelled out, “Hoooh!!!” for dramatic effect. Not sure if my coworkers got that I was referencing Lion O, because I laughed and no one else did.

11:05 – There’s supposed to be an electrician coming in about half an hour. This, according to building worker Jose, who one time laughed at me when I told him the elevator wasn’t working. I don’t have much faith in Jose.

11:26 – Just had our first breakdown. The guy next to me whirled his chair around and proclaimed, “Alright! I’m going outside. I’m going to stand outside. And watch people.” Before I could say anything he was gone. I hope he comes back some day, he was a nice guy.

12:07 – My boss sent one guy home because his computer won’t turn on at all. The rest of us just stared at him as he walked out. It was so quiet in here when it happened, I think I heard my soul die.

12:46 – I’m going to sit in the park for lunch, because the level of conversation is quickly declining. Two friends and I just finished one which ended in someone saying, “I’d be a great dog.” We looked at each other and, after a moment of awkward laughter, decided maybe not talking for awhile is a good idea.

1:50 – At lunch a man approached me and mumbled something that I couldn’t understand.  When I asked him to repeat himself, he said, “Do you believe in god?”  I glared at him and replied, “No.”  He was stunned and backed up from me, as if maybe – just maybe – I was satan.  Right then a woman he was with came up to me and started to ask the same thing, but I interrupted her by waving my hands in her face and saying, “Aaaaaaahhh – no!  Go away now.”  They both left my life as quickly as they entered it.  I’m still wondering if I’m satan.  If I am I’m going to have to make sure there’s air conditioning set-up for when I get to hell.

2:33 – I just filled my water bottle up with water from the cooler (which has no power to it now) and it is neither hot nor cold.  It is tepid.  I thought about this for about ten to fifteen minutes.  I believe that people who say/type the word “tepid” probably suck, so I’m not going to use it anymore.

3:42 – The last hour consisted of Jose convincing me that he could vacuum the water up, my boss telling us that we could leave and then promptly changing her mind and me playing 13 games of pinball on my computer.  I have a little less than two hours to go.  My body remains strong but my mind is weakening.

3:57 – The “water” that I was talking about in the last update is water that had leaked from the ceiling and onto the floor behind my desk.  Jose’s vacuuming trick did not work.  I am now looking forward to the mold that will eventually form, then give me a respiratory ailment which years from now will kill me.  And it will have all started with a man named Jose.

4:21 – The Internet is back on!  I am typing this from my nice computer, instead of my moody iPhone.  The first thing I did was check my work email to see if Beyonce emailed me.  She did, but she wanted me to tell you that she didn’t.  I’m such a gossip!

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40 Comments

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40 responses to “well

  1. No. Don’t take your life. It’s not worth it, man. We can get through this…

  2. don’t worry– I’m sure she’ll reveal it all at the funeral. you could try to pull one of those tom and huck things where you hide in the rafters.

  3. matt

    Fucking internets.

  4. I’m with Kristen. Stick with us. Plus, if you go, what will I read during the day to keep me from taking MY life? Come on man.

  5. deutlich

    I’m pretty sure I’d implode from lack of internet @ work.

  6. If you do decide life isn’t worth living, at least off yourself in some dramatic and creative way so those of us who DO still have Internet access have some entertaining way to pass the day.

  7. Don’t you have one of those fancy granny smith apple phones? Make it dance for you.

  8. This is a sad post too. Between you and Crissy, I’m pretty sure Y2K has finally hit the east coast and, like all trends and styles, it’s just a matter of eons before it reaches Portland

  9. I say take the rest of the day off! Work is over rated.

  10. JL

    Firstly, that’s a good excuse to not do work – I use the internet to escape editing a thesis written by what I can only imagine is a tomato pip and secondly, if you die can I have your iPhone?

  11. Being without internet is probably the single worst thing that can happen to you at work. Even getting fired isn’t as bad, because at least if you get fired you can just go somewhere else to use the internet, you know?

  12. What? No online shopping for your track suit? No finding ways to hack around the restrictions to access porn?

    I say, go home. Go to bed. Start fresh tomorrow.

  13. So you’re saying Beyonce is back on the market?

  14. Next thing we know, you’re putting a camera on a baseball cap and we’ll be all day long looking at your life.

  15. It is now 12:36. I hope you’re at lunch and not dead.

  16. Your live blogging is hilarious! We never realize how we’re such slaves to the machine until the machine breaks down!

  17. everyone should get to go home. like a snow day. because seriously, what can you do at work if there is no internet? nothing. at. all.

    wish it was NY time here in CA. …it’s only 9:49am damnit!

  18. P.S. : I am starting to think this is a science project to see how many times people come to see updates on your status…

  19. How do you function at work without the internet?!?

    Oh wait… obviously, you don’t.

    Good luck!

  20. This is hilarious! I’m sure not for you, but for your readers, it’s great. Great updating!

  21. Miz

    I feel your pain. We had our server down a couple of weeks ago…people were stir crazy..and this one guy actually started walking around the office proclaiming “I am Batman.” Not really…but that would’ve been hilarious! Keep surviving..YOU CAN DO IT!

  22. I really did laugh out loud when I read the Thunder Cats thing. I hope I get to play Hangman at my new job.

  23. I’ve often had the same thought… I WOULD be a great dog… dammit.

  24. sounds like the same thing that happens when the internet goes out at my work. everyone is all confused because we can’t do ANYTHING.

  25. Sounds like a productive day so far!

  26. Our parents can remember the days when they faced the sudden onslaught of the Tet Offensive and watched their friends die nearby for a war they neither comprehended nor cared to comprehend; we have our similar struggles, such as The Day Where The Internet Was Only Accessible By Phone Because Jose Is Not On The Effing Ball.

    Stay strong, brother.

  27. Why are you still at work? Go home!

  28. I want to go to your office and tape a documentary.

    I would hide behind the office plants and exclaim;

    “If you look closely you can see that worker start to chew on his own wrists in hopes of ending it all….”

  29. I agree about “tepid.” That word is for pussies. Who the hell says “tepid,” seriously? Show me to them so I can kick them in the shins. I’m having a bad Monday, too, can you tell? I’m with ya, brotha from anotha motha. (Listen, let’s just let that go, because I’m too lazy to backspace, all right?)

  30. meagank

    I just spent 45 minutes cutting out little paper trees. I. Am. At. Work.

    And yes, the internet is working just fine in my office.

  31. YAY! Congrats on the return of internet! And with what, 20 minutes left (since we KNOW you take summer Mondays….) Still, it must be reassuring.

  32. Seriously. How the FUCK did we cope before the internet was invented???

  33. I wouldn’t have got your Thundercats reference either…sorry.

  34. Did the guy from outside ever come back?

  35. megkathleen

    I’m kinda freaking out here – are you trying to tell me that I am reading Satan’s blog? This is very disturbing.

  36. At 1:50 when I wasn’t quite sure whether I was satan or not-I’d have called it a day.

    Extraordinary display of sticktoitiveness.

  37. good god, how did you survive until after 3pm?

  38. People always approach me and ask me if I believe in god too. I thought it was just me….but now I feel better. Be glad you aren’t here in the bible belt or they would try and convert you too…..I love pissing them off!

  39. i don’t know why i’m just reading this now. clearly i need to have less of a life. or just start posting from my phone! you are an inspiration, my friend.

  40. tk

    I HATE it when some computer app at work is down and you boss forces you to stay even though you can’t work at all. Free money?? Nice. But wouldn’t you rather be curled up on your bed, catching up on episdoes of “Burn Notice”, eating a homemade cream puff?

    Yeah, I thought so.

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