routine check-up

What is with America’s obsession with TV shows based around doctors?

First there was MASH, which made war funny like I imagine it is (Silly Johnny, he stepped on a landmine!  But look, Radar is doing something quirky again!).  Following that we had Doogie Howser, who set the stage for a TV show where we watched someone typing on a computer (Carrie Bradshaw anyone?). Then there was ER, a show that will continue to air even after the Earth explodes.  Still, sensing that TV needed more doctor drama, there was Nip/Tuck, House (a doctor who plays by his own rules!) and Grey’s Anatomy.

I think that’s enough.

I don’t see what the lure is anyway, they’re all so damn fake. I don’t know about you, but my doctor visits are never anything remotely like what has happened on any of these shows.

My typical visit goes like this:

I walk in and scan the waiting room for the sickest looking person there, and find a seat as far away from them as possible.  I don’t want whatever Mr. Red Face has. I’ve got my own problems to deal with.

This seat is always farthest away from the magazines.  It never fails.

I sit until utter boredom takes over every cell in my body, including my sick ones, then venture over to get a magazine.  Of course the only magazines they ever have are either for kids or old ladies.  This gets to me, because what are they trying to say?  “Clearly you are a weak man, because only toddlers and grannies get sick. Hahahaha! You poor, sickly excuse for a man.”

I select Good Housekeeping and spend the remainder of my time waiting for the doctor reading about 30 minute de-cluttering tips for the laundry room.

When I finally get called into the room by the nurse, I examine all the posters on the wall and think that I probably have four out of the five diseases on them.

Finally, after the doctor comes in and does his magic/gives me pills before I even say anything, I leave the office, making sure to appear healthier and Full Of Knowledge when I pass by the poor saps in the waiting room.

That’s it really.

That’s all that happens.

I never see any impromptu make-out sessions between doctors, I never get to hear anyone yell about weird lumps on someone’s ass and I never get to see people who have some kind of crazy rash they got from a secret government experiment.

Though I bet Mr. Red Face is not as innocent as he seems.

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42 Comments

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42 responses to “routine check-up

  1. Ben

    Take the making out into your own hands! Make out with one doctor, then her sister, then her arch nemesis, then her dad and she will surely burst into flames with rage, giving cause for more excitement from all the other sexy doctors!

    do it.

  2. Plus my doctor isn’t sexy… not sexy at all. I wish I had a sexy TV doctor then I could engage in some mild flirtatious banter while I’m being violated in the disguise of checking my prostate… yeah… that’ll be awesome!

  3. JB

    ER is entering it’s last season. It only took a gazillion years and just as many cast changes.

  4. My visits are a lot more like Scrubs – except it isn’t quite as funny when the entire staff are idiots and it is MY health that is in question.

  5. My husband is in love with our doctor and really, really looks forward to having her give his undercarriage a how’s your father.

    She’s hot and she has big boobs.

    It’s like the closest he’s ever been to being with a hooker.

    To my knowledge, at least.

  6. Well, if the doctors were as sexy as in Grey’s Anatomy, I BET there would be more making out. Usually, my doctors are old and the nurses are just as old or even older. So, I really prefer the non-existing making out, because if it existed, I’d be more sick than before…

  7. deutlich

    It’s not just doctors, either – it’s cops! Seriously, how many Law & Orders and CSI’s can there be?!

  8. matt

    I hate doctors.

    I will say about 75% are just arrogant assholes who only practice medicine because they want to get paid.

    The other 25% may actually be good doctors…and they are the only one portrayed to us on tv.

  9. I stick with faith healing. Whenever I be illin’, I just go to the local place of worship and hope Jebus will stop the burning pee.

    Not that I’m at all religious, it’s just that, like you, I was tired of not seeing my medical staff getting in on in the supply closet. You’re much more likely to see that happen in a church.

  10. longredcape

    That is exactly how my doctor’s visits go, too. Except trying to appear more Full of Knowledge on the way out, I just look at them and think, “Ha! You’re still WAITING. I’m DONE. PEACE.”

    And my doctor’s office has the WORST magazines. What is UP with that?

  11. How do you come up with the ideas for your posts? Do you just wake up in the morning with a brilliant idea or do you have a blog-a-day roll of toilet paper?

  12. I had a great doc. He switched my lovely little anti-baby pills and guess what? No bleeding (this might be too much for you men readers. Sorry, just deal). I call the doc up and say, “Is this normal? Okay? Cuz it rocks…” They say, “Come in to see the doc.” Fine, whatever. I go in, the doc says, “We have to do a pregnancy test.” I reply, “I know I’m not pregnant.” He asks, “Are you sure?” I laugh, no – snort, my reply, “I’m on the pill. My husband’s had a viscetamy. And he’s deployed so I haven’t had sex in three months. I’m pretty sure I’m not pregnant.” He looks at me. Blinks rapidly. Then it hits me like a TON OF BRICKS. He thinks I might be pregnant based on the possibility that I’m cheating on my husband. I roll my eyes as I roll up my sleeves for the blood test. Guess what? Not pregnant. Glad we went through all of that.

  13. JL

    I also don’t see any floating heads. I want a floating head doctor that I can put in a bag and force to diagnose my dying plants. If he says “I’m a doctor not a botanist” he goes in the bucket or I let the dogs play with him.

  14. you forgot the part where you have to fill out all the damn insurance forms and pay friggin copays.

    but on a random note i am friends with a group of about 8 med students at the clinic and their lives kind of do resemble grey’s first two seasons. its odd, very odd.

  15. And don’t forget, that all the magazines have to be at least 10 years old. I think it’s some sort of waiting room policy that current magazines (or even magazines that feature such technological advances such as cell phones or microwaves) are outlawed.

  16. Wait.

    I’m pretty sure all of those shows revolved around a hospital…not a doctor’s office.

    So, you need to break your arm or get a UTI or something in order to see the sexy shenanigans.

  17. I never see any impromptu make-out sessions between doctors, I never get to hear anyone yell about weird lumps on someone’s ass and I never get to see people who have some kind of crazy rash they got from a secret government experiment.

    That pretty much describes my morning. Except replace ‘doctors’ with ‘nurse Todd and his patients’ and ‘government experiment’ with ‘STD’

  18. I work with a bunch of doctors and, when everyone all gets together… well, the shenanigans come out, my friend!

    Of course, I may be the one starting/encouraging that, but I say somebody has to make the first move…

    😉

  19. who, besides my mom, is keeping ER on tv? honestly. who watches it? i couldn’t even tell you who’s on it anymore. last time i saw it Clooney (aka the man who blew his chance with me) was one of the stars.

  20. You know what, it IS just grannies and toddlers getting sick. Though, I tend to get sick a lot. Does this make me a granny or a toddler? Oh crap.

  21. Are you one of those people who doesn’t *watch* tv? Those people annoy me.

  22. I like to think of Doogie Howser as the world’s first blogger. He’s my inspiration daily.

    And you’re right, the real doctor’s office is a yawn-fest. Now if they were ever to make a show about my life as a sales rep at a book wholesaler, then they wouldn’t have to embellish a thing! Because seriously, this is non stop action over here.

  23. ben – But my doctor is ugly, does that matter?

    mental – Every man’s fantasy.

    jb – Well it’s about damn time.

    narm – No, definitely not.

    kristen – Man, Ken is fucking lucky! Which doctor is that…

    andy – Yeah, that’s how I feel about the whole thing.

    deutlich – Yes, I am with you on that one. Though I still LOVE Cops. That show is fucking great.

    matt – I think your calculations are right on.

    justin – Priests love them some alter boys!

    longred – Good to know I’m not the only one. And I have no idea, it’s kind of disturbing.

    melissa – They should.

    jenn – I actually thought of this one because I saw an ad for that show Private Practice, and I thought the first line of the post to myself. But I wish I did have that toilet paper roll!

    word – Damn, that is fucking crazy!

    jl – That sounds like a good idea to me, even though I really don’t understand it.

    alexa – Really? I’ve actually never watched that show, but it seems very gossipy.

    brandy – Yes! That’s true too!

    kiala – Oh yeah, well maybe I should. You want to join me? I call the UTI!

    todd – Hahaha – man, I’m sorry about that.

    jen – Yeah, I’m real surprised it starts with you.

    jenny – Poor, poor Clooney.

    stealth – Hmm… A toddler.

    yourgirlfriend – Not at all. I hate those people too. I love my TV.

    noelle – He was! Nice call.

  24. I work in an ER…. I actually have seen impromptu makeout sessions between doctors and doctors, doctors and nurses, etc…. usually it’s at the christmas party after everyone’s thrown back a few. probably wouldn’t make it on abc or cbs, but maybe public access would pick it up.

  25. I havent been to the doctor in a while, but I have been to the free clinic and that’s even worse. No McSteamy dreamy in there, just a bunch of accidents and stds.

  26. Pants

    I’m afraid to touch the magazines in the waiting room of my doctor’s office because of Mr. Red Face.

    Unless I’m at the gyno and then I feel OK reading magazines…unless I can catch being pregnant. Probably best to stop reading them, just to be safe.

  27. I think you forgot “Scrubs”

    I hate the doctor…why are they always fat smokers too? …telling you to eat well and quit smoking.

  28. megkathleen

    I can’t get enough of the doctor shows. I think because it gives me hope that the next time I go my doctor will be a hottie.

  29. you’ve clearly never come to a doctor appointment with me. it’s never the norm.

  30. i can’t really explain my love for dr. shows either, scrubs and grey’s are both on my lineup. i wish my doctors were as hot as the ones on grey’s though, that’d be awesome.

  31. Don’t knock Grey’s. That’s my show! Ridiculousness and all.

    That’s my shit.

  32. You forgot Scrubs! I would love to go to a hospital were those crazy antics happened. I also would like my doctor to be as crazy and neurotic as Dr. Cox.

  33. I am full of fail and cannot handle fake blood or fake operations or fake doctors.

    Except Scrubs. I can handle Scrubs and that is the extent of my fake doctor tv.

  34. No Scrubs mention? Blasphemy against the almighty Cox.

  35. I’m all about grey’s…. only because I hope that someday all doctors will look like mcdreamy and mcsteamy.

  36. ER will never go off the air. They should have quit while they were ahead. Really.

    And by the way. I would love to hear some of the de-cluttering tips. Feel like sharing?

  37. The last time I was at the dermatologist a 70-year-old man was definitely reading CosmoGirl and very into it. He had his pick between Newsweek, Time, NYT, Good Housekeeping – I don’t know. Definitely a little weird.

  38. Man, this was too funny. I’m totally with you on the shitty-ass magazines in the waiting rooms. More than once I’ve been relegated to finding the hidden items in the picture in an old issue of Highlights.

  39. My Tivo thinks I want to watch ER all the time. NO TIVO!! Reality Dr. shows only, please. My favorite is Mystery Diagnosis, where some poor schmuck goes to different doctors for 10 years with symptoms of colon cancer, and they just tell him he has a sinus infection or some shit. Then one day, a MIRACLE, some doctor says he has the cancer, and that’s that. Now that’s a good show.

    I would make out with House. What?

  40. What?

    You mean, real life isn’t like it is on TV?

    I was convinced that, after nursing school, I’d for-sure find a job with a McDreamy.

    Damn.

  41. Confused

    Have you ever seen Green Wing? It’s a British series set in a hospital, completely random. If you like British humour it’s superb. The scary thing about it is that my aunt, who’s a doctor herself, says that’s what it’s really like where she works… 😉

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