down under

I’m not big on traveling, but one place that has always intrigued me, should I be forced to travel – is Australia.

I dare you to try and think of one bad thing about Australia.

You can’t!

I’ve loved that weird place ever since I saw Crocodile Dundee for the first time many years ago.  Who doesn’t love that crazy guy?  I imagine every male over the age of seven is exactly like Dundee – walking around with a big ass knife and wrestling crocs wearing a leather vest with no shirt on underneath.

Australia is also home to the boomerang.  I’d visit just for this alone.  I could come back to the states after mastering the skill and anytime I needed something from someone – whap!  I’d hit them with my boomerang instead of having to say, “Hey, could you hand me that folder?”

Much more effective don’t you think?  And without Australia we’d never even know about it!

Oh – I haven’t even mentioned the animals that live there.

Hey ladies, how about a koala?  Love them!  You can snuggle it instead of your boyfriend after sex.  Okay, maybe that’s a little weird, but either way, koalas are damn cute and you know you love them.

I know, now all you guys are thinking, “Well, what about us?  What animal do we get?”

Kangaroos man!

If I visited Australia, the first thing I’d do is find a Roo (I’ve studied extensively for this post and I now know the local language) and befriend it.

Roos are arguably the coolest animal ever.  They’re like that big, dopey roommate you had in college, always good to have on your side in case a fight breaks out, but also kind of dangerous because you never know when he’s going to snap after one too many Bud Lights and kick your ass instead.

I bet you didn’t even know Roos drank, did you?

Of course they do!

That’s yet another part about Australia that makes it fucking awesome – every single living organism is drunk all the time!

It’s not like here, where people expect you to be a loser by being sober during most of your waking hours.

I’ve sold you haven’t I?

You want to visit Australia now, I know it.  Well, let’s do it.  Get your tickets and I’ll meet you by the tree near the landing strip.

I’m sure I’ll already be shitfaced with my new friend Larry The Roo, but come over and say hi anyway, we’re both happy drunks.


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55 responses to “down under

  1. I always wanted a dog named Larry…but a Roo? They kick.

  2. That’s not a knife.

    This is a knife.

  3. I wonder if Koala bears are as smelly as my husband.

  4. The one bad thing about australia:
    More Poisonous Snakes than any other place in the world.
    I still want to go there though…

  5. My nickname is Roo. I bet you ‘re jealous now aren’t you?

  6. Matt

    I would want to go just to see the reef- largest in the world.

    As far as Kangaroo’s go…

    I would totally try to fit a little pony keg in his pouch.

  7. I’ve wanted to visit ever since that Simpsons episode:

    Man: You call that a knife? _This_ is a knife.
    Bart: That’s not a knife, that’s a spoon.
    Man: All right, all right, you win, heh. I see you’ve played Knifey-Spooney before.

    Homer: [to bartender] Hey! Give me one of those famous giant beers I’ve heard so much about.

    [bartender puts a huge beer in front of him]

    Bartender: Something wrong, yank?
    Homer: No. It’s pretty big…I guess.

    Marge: I’ll just have a cup of coffee.
    Bartender: Beer, it is.
    Marge: No, I said “coffee”.
    Bartender: “Beer”?
    Marge: [slowly] Coff-ee.
    Bartender: Be-er?
    Marge: C — O —
    Bartender: B — E —

  8. If I cuddled maybe I’d take the Koala into consideration…

  9. I can think of 3 bad things about Australia:
    1: sharks
    2: snakes
    3: spiders

  10. No joke, my Aussie friends all drank me under the table many nights. They’re like, super human.

  11. hm, i think you’re kidding, but you should know, you are absolutely spot on with how cool and visit worthy Australia really is. i read this book by Bill Bryson and his travels through Australia…learned some pretty cool things and some freakin’ useless things. I finished the book wanting to see this wacky place though. Is 3pm aussie time too early to meet by the tree?

    ps. i don’t hate you for not guest blogging. though I should i have mentioned i had topics picked…mighta helped. oh well.

  12. i think if you tried to cuddle a koala it would claw your eyes out.
    i’ll take the roo. i have a dream of one day being able to ride inside of their pouch. just hangin out while we bounce around with my head sticking out so i can see where we’re going and enjoy the ride.
    maybe in the future that would be transportation, very environmentally friendly.

  13. OK, I desperately wanted to go to Australia to study abroad one semester in college, but you know, I drank like an Australian and my grades would not permit it…but I did gads of research and I can tell you there is one bad thing about Australia…SALT WATER CROCODILES! Can you imagine, swimming in the ocean, minding your own business, keeping an eye out for sharks…and bam, chewed up by a crocodile?

  14. I looked at a travel book on Australia once and the ENTIRE FIRST CHAPTER was dedicated to the MANY WAYS to die in Australia. That was enough for me.

  15. Croc Dundee is a living monument. personally, i’d like to funnel about 2 dozen Foster’s with him, get our Roo, and kick some ass. Yeah! who’s faking sick at work and going home right FUCKING now to watch Crocodile Dundee 1 AND 2 with a mop bucket full of Foster’s oil cans… guess…ME.

  16. deutlich

    Crocodile Dundee was mentioned in Tropic Thunder a whole lot — and honestly? It was a pretty damn funny movie.

  17. You should work for Australia’s tourism board.

    The snakes and spider business… (thank you Debbie Downer(s)), just hang with your friend, Roo and he can fight at least the snakes off.

    Brilliant! 🙂

  18. One bad thing:

    Blue Ring Octopus
    Species: Hapalochlaena lunulata and Hapalochlaena maculosa.

    Description: It starts life the size of a pea and is fully grown at about the size of a golf ball.
    They have a life span of approx. 2 years.
    Carry enough poison to kill 26 adults within minutes.

    Distribution: Southern Western Australia, to southern Qld and northern Tasmania

  19. longredcape

    Australia is TOTALLY at the top of my list of “countries to visit before I die.”

    And Roos are my ABSOLUTE FAVE. I about lost my shit when I saw them at Wild Adventures.

  20. I want a koala. Get me one when you come back from down under.

  21. i want a kangaroo so i can climb in it’s pouch and it can take me to work. how green would that be?!

  22. Their women are hot too.

  23. meagank

    I have a sorority sister who is in Australia right now for study abroad.

    She says the beer is super-alcoholic, everyone is wildly sexual, and nobody wears full clothing. Sounds bomb.

  24. I really thought koalas were vicious. Slow, but vicious. Is that not right?

  25. I studied abroad in Australia and it is every bit as awesome as you think it is. Even MORE awesome, probably. The roos are awesome, the koalas are adorable, and the booze is plentiful. The weather is fabulous even in the winter, and the people are as laid back and friendly as the stereotype. Crocodiles, snakes, spiders and all that nonsense aren’t a problem unless you probably go looking for them. Oz FTW! I’ll meet you by that tree fo sho.

  26. shelly – Which is what makes them so rad!

    dan – I was so pumped when I saw that scene for the first time.

    kristen – I’m pretty sure they smell like roses.

    sassy – If you’re drunk you won’t feel them bite you.

    jamie – Uh, yes!

    matt – And he’d be down with that too.

    justin – That’s a classic episode – h…. the Simpsons when they were still funny.

    your girlfriend – My kind of woman!

    hills – But beer and boomerangs top all of those.

    megan – I believe it. You should train harder!

    erikka – I read A Walk In The Woods and I loved it, what book is that you’re talking about?

    jenny – That is a good dream.

    dutchess – But don’t you think Dundee would save me?

    gman – I see you didn’t get to the chapter about beer.

    jay – Fucking right man. I love that movie.

    deutlich – I will NEVER see that movie.

    trigirl – Exactly!

    hollywood – I guess I’ll steer clear of that part of town.

    longred – What’s that?? I must go!

    marie – Consider it done.

    sarah – Can you suggest this idea to Obama? Please???

    rs – Which we all know to be the most important thing about anywhere.

    meagan – Sounds like fucking heaven.

    melissa – I don’t know, but I bet with your hotness you could settle one down quickly.

    arielle – I can’t believe you did that! I am jealous beyond words.

  27. You said “landing strip”. Hahahaha.

  28. Australia is the easiest to acclimate to of all other countries, its the most like ours in culture/food/etc.

    but if you like ketchup, you are shit out of luck.

  29. “Now this is a knife”…wait..did anyone say that yet?

  30. I always think of “The Princess Bride”…

    “Where was I?”
    “Yes Australia! And as everybody knows, Australia is entirely populated with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as YOU are not trusted by ME.”

    Aww, Australia. England’s prisons’ dumping grounds.

  31. In the kids book, Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day, his day sucks and where does he keep saying he wants to go?

    “I think I’ll move to Australia”.

    Even the kids know what’s up.

  32. a homeless person once told me that people in australia don’t get cancer because they drink fosters.

    i think he’s wasting his money when he could be drinking natty light.

  33. I agree that Australia is one of the most awesome places on earth-right up there with New Zealand-and I so want to go.

    I have two, more than likely avoidable, negatives:

    1.They might throw Larry the Roo on the grill.

    2.Koalas may be cute little fuzzy vegetarians, but they’re still bears and will bite the fire of you.

  34. I luz me some koala bears.

    I mean that. No sarcasm. For serious.

  35. nancypearlwannabe

    After reading Bill Bryson’s book all I can think about Australia is how it’s mostly desert and super hot in the summer. Also, it’s the place to where people in exile were sent. Exile!

  36. jill – I did. I much prefer the no-hair look though.

    each – Wait. I love ketchup – what do you mean? Should I bring a bottle???

    zibbs – Yeah, but good try anyway.

    big time – I love that movie. “No more rhyming now, I mean it!” “Anybody want a peanut?”

    jamie – Yes – kids are smart little people.

    maxie – Yeah but I but Natty Light only prevents the measles.

    heather – Who would dare to eat Larry??? He never showers!

    kiala – I believe you.

    nancypearl – Exile is not good for anybody.

  37. This might not do anything to help our friendship, but I’m going to Australia in two weeks. I’ll see if I can bring you back a roo.

  38. Augusto

    I would love to go because the big down-under is fascinating and it is the last continent to visit so I can say I’ve been to all 7.

    But, it is almost entirely uninhabitable desert. That really isn’t appealing to me for some reason.

  39. when i hear australia i think kangaroos and boomerangs. that alone makes me want to go, haha.

  40. I’m actually not a traveler either but Australia has always been #1 on the list. Since childhood. Thinkin’ bout New Zealand now too …mostly because of Brett and Jemaine though.

  41. KT

    Why not go to Australia for your honeymoon?

  42. Everything I know about Australia I learned from watching Real World: Sydney.

  43. I don’t think you needed to provide an animal for the guys after you said they wouldn’t have to cuddle after sex anymore.

  44. Please take me with you to Australia. I’m an excellent drunk.

  45. I would LOVE a koala bear as a pet!!!

  46. i cant read ur post. im drunk/.

  47. You should all buy tickets and I’ll wait at the airport.

  48. Echidnagirl

    Anguish! You didn’t mention the lovely echidna…


    I remain a faithful reader regardless.

  49. Erikka was talking about “In A Sunburned Country” which I also highly recommend. Everyone in my family read it before we took a trip there in 2001, and everything we saw was almost exactly as Bryson described it.

    So I either recommend spending $18 on the Bryson book or $1800 on a trip to Australia. Either way, you will not regret it. But if you go, go for two weeks or more, because it takes at least the first week to get over the flight.

  50. megkathleen

    My cousin lived in Australia for a year and was drunk off his ass the entire time.

  51. I’m pretty sure that koalas have claws. So maybe not IDEAL cuddling partners.

  52. Wasn’t there an Olsen twins movie set in Australia?

  53. Aussie-land my home.
    It’s definetly a place worth visiting, from the red deserts of the alice to the blue and gold of the beaches, definetly a gorgeous country.
    Bad Things = Summer heat, droughts, and the bars close early on a sunday, cut’s into the drinking hours.

  54. “but if you like ketchup, you are shit out of luck”

    dude i AM an austrlian we have ketchup but we call it tomato sauce – its the same thing

    “I really thought koalas were vicious. Slow, but vicious. Is that not right?”

    lol no there actually very tame i’v been to several place’s that have had koalas rescued when they’ve been hit by car’s or what not, and there very content to just be held, you cant be to loud tho,

    its really funny and a little bit annoying when people think we have kangaroos just hopping down the main street, its also funny to see so many of you say you liked Crocodile Dundee everyone i know including myself hates that lame ass movie


  55. sam

    Haha I’m going abroad to Australia in the spring and I love this post!

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