Writing has been a part of me ever since I was about ten years old, and I have a collection of notebooks to prove it.
Of course I didn’t call the notebooks diaries, I called them “Gatekeepers.” Currently, I have about ten volumes of the Gatekeeper in my apartment, which I’m sure will be sold to the highest bidder when I die and everyone finally understands my genius.
But just so you don’t have to wait until then, I have unearthed three true gems from my childhood for your viewing pleasure.
The following literary masterpieces were written when I was about 14 years old.
Can you feel the despair?
Despite the girl leaving me “etched in stone,” I can’t seem to remember her name now.
And what about this other guy who is short and blue? Was this girl who caused me so much anguish dating a smurf??? Was I really that much of a loser when I was 14 that a smurf beat me?
Yes, I smoked at 14 – I had to, okay? I was a poet!
I think the best line of this one is “long lines for the bathroom.” If having to wait a long time to piss doesn’t make you write dark poems about how your vacation sucks, there’s something wrong with you.
Man, did I capture what it must be like to be a tire or what???
Please, though – I know I insist that you “drop your kid and see to the tire,” but don’t ever do that. Put the kid in the car seat first.
Those are just a few of the hundreds of poems that one day I’m sure will garner millions of dollars from collectors of my works.
Maybe next time I’ll share the one I wrote about rain and how I didn’t care that it was hitting my face because “all I ever wanted was her.”
But that’s only if you’re lucky.
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