float like a butterfly

In the spirit of Learning Something New every 15 years or so, I’m now learning how to box.

Every day at the gym, I run, I lift and then I box.  Not with other people – I’m not some kind of idiot. I just hit the bag.

It is a lot of fun and a great workout and blah, blah, blah.

I could go on and on about how it improves your coordination, endurance and strength, but let’s be honest – I’m in it for the nickname.

Everyone knows the best part about boxing is the handle you get when you start learning the sport. Granted, I’m not actually fighting anyone other than a large, heavy, leather-bound bag, so I don’t really need a nickname, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want one.

I just want something to recite in my head as I hit that bag: “Chris The ________ My Last Name!”  (I’m not giving you my last name because then I know you’ll stalk me and probably ask for my autograph on your forehead and then we’ll get drinks and I’ll make you pay after you tell me you stole a pair of my boxer briefs.)

I don’t want it to be something too cheesy either, so I’m immediately crossing out The Destroyer, Hits You Hard and Iron Fists.

Yes, those were some I thought of this morning, and no, I am not more creative than that.

I also want it to be something that really strikes fear into that bag, because trust me, even though it’s an inanimate object, it’s heavy and it wears you out.  Kind of like trying to figure out Memento.

Of course I have to rule out anything to do with blogging, because I just don’t think “The Meme Poster” or “Obsessive Stats Checker” really have the effect I’m looking for.

I’ve thought of several more since I started writing this, and I have one now that I think I like.

Ready?

“Prime Cut.”

Oh snap!

You love it don’t you???

Think about it – it works on so many levels.  First, I’m a vegetarian, so there’s irony or something literary at work there and second (and the best reason) I deliver Grade A punches sucka!

Man, I am a genius or at the very least someone with too much time on his hands.

Okay, probably the latter, but really, could you do any better?

I can’t wait until tomorrow so I can tell the bag about my new nickname.  I will probably not tell the people training me, though.  I don’t want to make them jealous or anything.

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45 Comments

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45 responses to “float like a butterfly

  1. And then you would totally have to get a tattoo of a beaten up boxer holding a steak over his black eye! Yeah. I’d be scared of you, that’s all I’m saying.

  2. possible blogging boxing name;

    the Someecarder!

    No?

    If I let you sign my boobs instead of my forehead will you at least pay for the drinks?

  3. Ben

    Yeah. Prime Cut probably works better than Soy Slasher. But you don’t want PETA on your ass. Or do you…

  4. Um, so then it’s wrong that I took one of your boxers? Can you at least sign it with your new boxing name?

  5. And your slogan could be, “I don’t eat meat, I beat it.”

    That might not work so well.

  6. deutlich

    yes. waaaay too much time

    and Narm just damn near caused me to spit out my coffee

  7. Matt

    Prime Cut.

    Thats fucking money right there.

  8. And Narm, Ha, ha, ha, ha!!!!

  9. “Prime Cut”. Toatlly kick-ass. Literally.

  10. I’m gonna be honest— prime cut is pretty good. I’m impressed.

  11. I don’t know… I think that would make it too easy for your opponent to cut you up in the prefight press conference. Jokes about eating you alive in the ring and such, being a Prime Cut and all.

  12. Meghan

    Narm, that was funny as shit.
    And, I’m so happy that you have seen Memento. I always try to tell people about that movie and they never know what I’m talking about. Either because the movie is too crazy to explain, or because most of the people I talk to are stupid. It could go either way.
    I think that you should give the bag a nickname now though.

  13. um, “bag hitter” or “boxer”. i like “boxer” it’s short and to the point. there’s nothing scarier than making your name direct and non-fancy.

  14. meagank

    “Prime Cut” is very solid.

    I also like “Beef Ripper” — that just came to me.

  15. I always like boxing nicknames that have that touch of irony — like Sweet Pea or The Gentleman. Think about it. Sort of worse to have your ass beat by a gentleman.

  16. Prime Cut? I’d be running from that if I was in the ring with you.

    Like every TGIF sitcom where the characters were forced to box WWF caliber guys and just ran in circles the whole time. Just like that.

  17. you should just go with just Grade A. It’s tougher that way. I know when i used to box (i.e. get into bar fights or mugged, or fall over drunk on avenue A), many people called me by one of three nicknames: 1) fat drunk, 2) stop crying bytch, or 3) fat drunken loser, which I always found a bit redundant.

  18. dutchess – My first ink! I’ll do it.

    inreallife – Of course.

    ben – Yes, think of all the press it would generate.

    marie – Yes it was wrong, but yeah I’ll sign it. Now stop clutching them all weirdly.

    narm – Hahaha – I don’t like that one so much.

    deutlich – But now you’re thinking of names for me aren’t you? No?

    matt – It’s good right?

    kristen – That sounds like some S&M movie.

    andy – Yes!

    maxie – Really? Thanks! I am having a good day.

    justin – Yeah, that’s a good point. They’d be having a field day with me.

    phil – I will do my best!

    meghan – I think it’s a little of both, because I’m kinda dumb and that movie confused the hell out of me when I saw it a long time ago.

    jenny – Hmmm. Boxer is not bad, but baghitter is kinda lame.

    meagan – That sounds gross. Or is it just me?

    melissa – Yes! See, this is why I read your blog – so you eventually come over here and tell me all your smart ideas that are better than mine.

    stealth – With the funny music too?

    jay – Hahaha – At least “stop crying bitch” showed they cared.

  19. No….it’s got to rhyme. Chris ‘the Diss’ Yourlastname.

    Or something.

  20. megkathleen

    Prime cut – that is pure genius.

  21. Did you know you can cheat in Memento and play it forwards?
    You can also play the Seinfeld backwards episode forwards.
    I’ve never tried doing this myself as I’ve heard if you play these forwards the Devil or a ancestor appears and takes you away….

  22. 1. Memento is awesome
    2. Chris “Grade A” or “Prime Cut” are the best so far methinks.

    You could also go with something like Chris “The Wall” you know, because nothing can touch you or something

  23. Chris the Piss!

    Er…hang on.

  24. Chris: Are you being sarcastic? Because maybe I deserved that. But I was serious about The Gentleman.

    Chris The Gentleman {blank}

  25. I got a good one.

    Chris.

    Man I am good.

  26. How about ‘Serenity Now’ …

  27. Prime Cut is pretty genius, I’ll grant you that. It’s certainly better than Glass Joe, which is what I use to box under in the 80s.

  28. Great name! Of course, I’m not going to slag it off . . . scared you might punch me!!!

  29. Wait, you’re a vegetarian? Really? You?

  30. tracie

    Ha. Prime Cut. And you’re a Vegetarian like me, except I’m more of a Pescatarian because I still eat sushi. Funny funny funny. Seriously, though, don’t tell anyone else your name. People can be name-stealers. It happened to my one preggers friend 1 who told her other preggers friend 2 that she (preggers 1) wanted to name her baby William. And preggers friend 2 had the baby first. Guess what the name is.

  31. Chris “Flyer than Giraffe Pussy” Last_Name.

    Your Welcome!

  32. I’m now changing your name on my blogroll to “Prime Cut.” Brilliant.

  33. When Lacey and I were on a soccer team we ironed nicknames onto the backs of our team’s tshirts and one season my nickname was Iron Fist. For real.

  34. shelly – Yeah, rhyming does seem to be needed here.

    megkathleen – Thanks! I’m gonna tell my Mom you said that.

    robbie – I don’t think I’ll ever do that then.

    alice – Hahaha – you seemed really into your suggestion.

    kiala – That sounds like what kids used to say to me on the playground.

    melissa – I was being serious! I love The Gentleman.

    rs – Amazing!

    nyc – Hoochiemamma!!!! Wait – you get that reference right? I’m not calling you a hoochiemamma.

    pistols – Good thing I know your signature move of moving back three steps, taunting me, and then going in for a right hook.

    paula – That’s right!

    nicole – You’re clearly shocked because I’m soooo manly.

    tracie – I eat fish too, but I’m too lazy to have to describe everything to people.

    mental – Hahaha – how could I forget that???

    cherry – Sweet!

    arielle – Really? That is awesome!

  35. The vegetarian, naming himself after steak. I love it.

  36. I thought you would’ve gone with Chris The Fist. Seems like such a good boxing name…

  37. Pants

    I almost want to start boxing just so I can use the nickname Iron Vagina.

  38. Chris the Prime Cut [Last Name]… makes you sound like meat.

    I like it!

  39. i would love to have some kickass boxing name too. like katelin “tornado maiden” ….. or something like that. it’s ridiculous i know, but totally awesome too.

  40. mom in real life – that is PERFECT for chris!

  41. um, i had no idea you were a vegetarian.

    but prime cut? i like it.

  42. JL

    Prime Cut… yes, the irony. How about “Chris The Boxer” – no last name. I think it’s not entirely a give away, but maybe that’s what you want. You know. But it does kind of sound like you’ve been doing it a really really long time… and you couldn’t think of anything better… except for Prime Cut. Yeah. That’s… better. Stick with that. Ignore me.

  43. Echidnagirl

    It’ll be hard to top Laila “She Be Stinging” Ali (my favorite).

    You could probably take on Owen “What the Heck” Beck pretty easily, though.

    You can find 101 others at http://boxing.about.com/od/history/a/nicknames.htm

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