freak out

Listen up everyone – I’ve got great news:  West Nile is back!

That’s right!  You remember back in 1999 when it first struck unnecessary fear into the hearts of millions of Americans right?  Well if you don’t, now is your time to shine!

I was just reading the Times and they are reporting that a 75 year-old man from Long Island died from the disease yesterday.

So have at it.

Whoever is next to you right now, turn to them and start talking about the good ol’ Nile.  Try and make it sound like they could get it at any moment: “You know, I have noticed some mosquitos near the coffee machine.  You go there a couple times a day right?”

Do it!

If there’s no one around for you to talk to, first – why don’t you have any friends, you loser? and second send emails out to some people and alert them that The Nile is coming for them!  Right now!  And their dog!

With West Nile striking fear back into our hearts, we can now brush aside things that we should be worried about and focus all of our energy on a virus that we’ll most likely never contract.

Having a hard time paying the bills?  Forget ’em!  You might get West Nile and then what would bills matter?

Girlfriend dumped you because you spend more time drinking Mad Dog and watching Fraggle Rock DVD’s than hanging out with her?  Hellooooo????  West Nile is really to blame here, not anything you did.

And I haven’t even started to talk about how lucky you are if you get sick any time soon.

Got the sniffles?  West Nile it is!

Nagging cough?  You’re going to die for sure!

Still think Margaret Cho is funny?  That’s just The Nile talking silly!

Just when I thought my life could not be more boring and lackluster, West Nile Virus has knocked on my door and greeted me with a big smile.

The only way today could get any better is if I get bit by a mosquito during lunch.  I’d run through the streets, screaming at the top of my lungs “I gots the West Nile!!!  I gots the West Nile!!!”  Then I’d try to sneeze on someone close to me, just to make his day, too.


(I’m won’t be around tomorrow, but I have a guest blogger lined up that will knock your socks off.  Or maybe just make you laugh so much your feet get hot and you take them off yourself.  Either way, please come by tomorrow and enjoy one of my favorite bloggers ever.)


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45 responses to “freak out

  1. The bf was just asking me if I got bit by bugs like he did the other day…aaaaahhh!

  2. I’m scared of the bird flu.

  3. And also Kathy Lee Gifford.

  4. deutlich

    dude, someone I know really IS scared of West Nile in that hypochondriac kind of way


  5. Yesterday, I couldn’t think of a funny boxer name.

    I was distraught, even though, being a vegemetarian myself, I enjoyed the irony of “Prime Cut” thoroughly.

    Now I’m quite convinced that West Nile has to somehow be incorporated.

  6. I thought they only sold MD here in my little corner of the ‘hood! My neighborhood liquor store has a whole aisle devoted to the MD and the Boone’s Farm.

  7. I think those moquitos carrying the West Nile virus go mainly to NYC. Ya, sorry to break the news to you, but it’s true.

  8. Ok, OK. I make stuff up sometimes! Crap, I think I have West Nile.

  9. i don’t think west nile every really went away, there have just been bigger issues. same with bird flu and mad cow. they’re still around. just not as much of a headline when you say “MOSQUITOS CARRY WEST NILE…. still”

  10. I’m holding out for Mad Cow Disease. Them cows is aaaaannnnngry.

  11. Okay, first, Narm makes me laugh with the comments every day. Second, I think I’m going to contract West Nile sometime towards the end of September. There should still be enough bugs around by then for that to be a viable excuse for a sick day, right? No? Crap…now I need a new plan.

  12. YES! thank you for referencing Fraggle Rock! That show was effing SWEET! Remember Uncle Traveling Matt? I always wanted an Uncle like that. Remember Red? The only female Fraggle? My friends and I used to argue who’s the bigger slut between Red and Smurfette? Smurfette of course… because Papa Smurf is pimping her out to the other Smurfs. They don’t call him Bigg Papa for nothing. Wait… what was this post about? Oh, the West Nile! Ok, I’m off to sneeze on my co worker right now!

  13. i had west nile a few weeks ago. it wasn’t that bad.

  14. Living in the Chicago area means we are threatened by West Nile all the time. You New Yorkers are a bunch of pussies.

    What’s that buzzing noise?

    Oh shit!

  15. Oh good. Now I know what my mother in law will talk about all night next time we have the family dinner. Thanks for the heads up.

  16. I found a gnat in my hair yesterday. It was dead. I might have SARS.

    Please don’t think too much of the fact that I have dead bugs in my hair.

  17. I have a mosquito bite on my ankle and it BLED
    I definitely have SARS

    Or wait, West Nile?

    I’m so confused right now.

  18. Matt

    Grape Mad Dog….oh, the memories.

    I’m thirsty now.

  19. You know, when I read the magic name “Fraggle Rock” I knew I had to comment. And I should have known, M360 beat me to it. He has a weird obsession/affinity for puppets…. you did read his rant about seseme street a while back right?

  20. dutchess – Been nice knowing you!

    kristen – Yeah, she freaked out Kramer too.

    deutlich – Time for them to get a hobby.

    heather – You probably couldn’t think of one because you have West Nile!

    ballerina – Hell yes! That is one classy store.

    marie – You do!

    jenny – That’s a good point.

    narm – That’s because they’re so fat.

    stealth – No, I think it’ll work. If it doesn’t, throw in some measles too.

    mental – Of yes, smurfette for sure. What a hoe bag. I hear she gave terrible dome though.

    ari – That’s because you had a loving boyfriend to take care of you through the hard times. Fiancee.

    inreallife – Just another Chi-town resident with NY envy.

    megan – I was going to send you a card, but I figured this would do.

    melissa – Friendship – over!

    alice – Both!

    matt – I think we should both drink some over the weekend and report the results.

    sassy – Oh yeah, it was awesome.

  21. fraggle rock! yay!

    dude, two summers ago i was doing the all natural thing and not wearing insect repellent. my motto was: “west nile? bring it!”

    yeah, i’m cool. i have mottos for each summer.

  22. Damn, i thought we were in the clear. Fucking West Nile. I better, repeat, BETTER, not get West Nile before I can go out next tuesday and buy the New Kids on the Block reunion CD. Cause I’m not about to be hangin’ tough with the West Nile.

  23. Matt

    Heh heh heh…I’m game if you are my friend.

  24. I don’t wear socks. What will happen to me???

  25. Actually, I DO still think Margaret Cho is funny. Not her “Assassin” tour so much. But I got to see her life for her new show, “Beautiful,” here in LA, and damn, that shit was funny.

  26. “Got the sniffles? West Nile it is!
    Nagging cough? You’re going to die for sure!”

    OMG, I got sniffles AND cough!!
    OMG I’m gonna die.
    But wait, I’m in El Salvador, not in the US.
    *relief sight*

  27. @Kristen…I’m scared of Kathy Lee too.

    Wait, this isn’t Twitter isn’t it?

  28. i’m more afraid of mad dog than west nile. that shit used to give me the shakes.

    ok, maybe i was 17 and shouldn’t have been drinking it in the first place.

  29. megkathleen

    Done and done. Charlie’s had a cold for the last week and I have now convinced him he is dying of the West Nile. Good times.

  30. Why the hell does Africa get to name all the cool diseases? West Nile, Ebola, all that jazz.

    What do we get?

    The Flu.


  31. They just sprayed around Philly for it and all these old people got scared.

  32. dmb5 – You are cool!

    jay – Buy me one too?

    matt – I could write that post right now: “I feel like shit. What the hell is wrong with me?” So I think we should pass. Do me a favor and high-five Obama for me tonight.

    paula – Kiss your underwear goodbye!

    phil – I hear she’s getting a new show too, so we’ll see.

    andy – Lucky!

    erin – You are right to be more scared of Mad Dog.

    megkathleen – Good job!

    rs – I know!

    zibbs – Hahaha – old people are lame.

  33. Matt

    Done & done.

    I just posted about that actually.

  34. I wanted to make some stupid joke about being in denial but incorporate West… it didn’t work. Obviously.

  35. yes! one of my all time favorite quotes from college involves west nile.

  36. jay grochalski

    deluxe edition, or just the regular version of The Block?

  37. Awesome. I brought back several bites from California. I will go into a public place and scratch them just for you.

  38. Pants

    I wrote about West Nile a few years back when I was living near a stream…and someone commented about their grandma contracting west nile. Way to kill my joke.

    Pot kettle black? Who me? 🙂

  39. mosquitoes love me, and it is just not cool.

  40. Oh Lord, you hate both Margaret Cho AND Prince? I’m not sure if we can continue this relationship.

  41. This is even better than the triumphant return of snap bracelets!

  42. JL

    We don’t have West Nile here in Africa. We have a ton of AIDS though. That’s also kinda fun to mess with people, ‘cept it’s not really. Damn. Why can’t we get ineffectual once off diseases instead of an effin epidemic. Bugga.

  43. Echidnagirl

    Fraggle Rock is awesome. I used to want to live there. On second thought, I still do.

  44. JK

    I’m so tempted to turn to my napping friends next to me right now and scream that there’s a west nile mosquito out to get them! What a nice way to wake up!

  45. I guess I’m old fashioned in that I still talk about the SARS.
    It ate my homework.

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