are you busy Thursday night?

Since I’m getting married sometime in the next year or so, I am obviously subjected to all the jokes that come with it.  You know, the “It was nice knowing Single Chris” and the “Your life is over now” variety.

There are going to be some down sides to getting married, but one thing I absolutely won’t miss about being single is dating.

Dating is the worst.

It is fucking terrible and there is nothing good about it.

And I’m not even talking about the actual date, because dating begins all the way back when you first spot that woman with such a great smile that it makes you think, “No way she was looking at me, is there someone behind me?”

Once you get The Look, dating has officially begun.

You think about what to say to her.  You rack your tiny brain for days, begging it to come up with something clever to say to her, instead of thinking about why Rafael is the best ninja turtle.

If you’re lucky, you think of something and she accepts the offer of An Evening With You.

After that you spend the next days before the date wondering why she is dumb enough to want to date you and how you can prolong that effect until it is too late and she has no choice but to become your girlfriend.

Oh, and you also stress the fuck out about where you’re going to take her, because you can’t simply ask her where she’d like to go.  You are The Man, and being The Man means you now have to act like you know things about restaurants that don’t have two-for-one beer specials and Photo Hunt.

Finally, after asking your friends where you should go and picking her up and trying to only look at her boobs when she won’t notice, you must endure being in public together.

Being in public together is terrible because everyone is watching.

Everyone knows that you two are on a date and they are watching you fumble over your story about how smoking pot actually improves your driving abilities.

If all goes well and you somehow make it through Public Time without wanting to run away, die or punch yourself for picking someone so shitty to spend time with, then at the end of the night you might get a kiss and a “Thanks, I had a really good time.”

Of course, on your way back to your apartment, even though she said it was “a really good time” you analyze every fucking second of the night and ponder when you should call her next and if she’ll even answer and why the hell did I tell her I don’t always wear clean socks???

After all of that, if nothing clicks and you don’t see the woman again, you repeat the process.

Only this time maybe you go for someone a little more slutty, so at least you can get something worthwhile out of the date.

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56 Comments

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56 responses to “are you busy Thursday night?

  1. You’re talking about dating in the pre-roofies era, right?

  2. Argh… I agree… The whole dating thing is just as complicated for a woman, believe me.

    Because we have to choose a proper outfit, you know, that shows something without being vulgar.
    We must have make-up and hair done.
    And blah blah blah just to impress the guy so we won’t end up singles for the rest of our lives.
    And then, we have to wait for the guy to call us and we have to play even if we’re dying to call him, text him, whatever…

    *Rinse and repeat*

  3. I turned two men gay when I was dating.

    Except for this one guy who stayed straight.

    And so I married him.

    But yeah. Two of them gay.

    Once you go Crissy, you can never be with another woman again.

    I’m that awesome.

  4. Pants

    Dating blows.

    Having a guy break down why Rafael is the best ninja turtle would be a refreshing break from the nice-guy act I usually get…that disappears along with the guy when I actually become interested.

  5. Dating is fucking terrible. Sorry, I recently had a dating experience go sour and am contemplating a lifetime of crazy cat lady-hood. I am jealous that you will never have to date again.

  6. Damn this made me laugh and laugh. I especially liked these parts:

    You rack your tiny brain for days, begging it to come up with something clever to say to her, instead of thinking about why Rafael is the best ninja turtle.

    and

    If all goes well and you somehow make it through Public Time without wanting to run away, die or punch yourself for picking someone so shitty to spend time with…

    Man. Too funny. Go to hell for being funnier than me.

  7. Umm, hello? Clearly Leonardo was the best Ninja Turtle.

  8. deutlich

    Uhm… Michaelangelo was the best Ninja Turtle.

    By far.

  9. I never really did the dating thing. I kind of fell into my current relationship and I’m happy with that.

    But really, Rafael?

    LEONARDO.

  10. Don’t forget the part where you have to pretend that you don’t dress like a Homeless and own more than two button down shirts.

  11. That certainly was the most accurate description of why dating SUCKS that I have ever heard.

  12. Miz

    Thanks for reminding me how much fun it is to be single. I REALLY needed that reality check 😉

  13. I’m just glad both men and women are psychotic about this dating stuff. If it wasn’t such a put down to women, I would say you are just as bad as all the neurotic chicks I know!

  14. I completely disagree! Dating is (was) awesome! The vast majority of my dating memories are positive. It didn’t always work out, but I was rarely bored. Even when it’s crashing and burning it has a certain entertainment value.

  15. Oh, Justin S. stole my comment.

    I’ll try again —

    HOORAY SLUTS!

  16. Photo Hunt? Are you kidding me? Any dates that led me to Photo Hunt were fabulous dates. No doubt about it.

  17. You are so right. Dating is the absolute worst and that is why I will be single forever. I just can’t take the stupid pressure.

  18. JL

    Ok, Donatello was the coolest – not because he wasn’t cool and made me feel like I belong, but because he could beat you with a stick… if you can beat someone with a stick you can beat them with anything, like… a flashdisk or remote control.

  19. Have you turned into a girl? Real men don’t analyse dates. Do they?

  20. what is this “date” thing you speak of?

    hmmmmm.

  21. A-fucking-Men, on this post!!!

    Oh, and I gotta represent for the nerds and go with Donatello as being the best TMNT! I used to pretend my broom was a bo-staff and practice being him in my front yard as a child! Yeah… That!

  22. congrats, man! i once went on a date where at the end of the date the woman didn’t know she was on a date…i guess all men just pay for her. but i’m with you. dating blew. if my wife ever leaves me i’m moving to nevada and hitting the legal brothels once a week.

  23. you ain’t kiddin… that’s one of the absolute best parts! i love knowing that i’ll never date another dirty sock wearin’ a-hole again!

  24. justin – Of course!

    andy – It’s an agonizing process.

    kristen – Damn! Now that is something to be proud of.

    pants – I think I could find you a dude who wants to talk TMNT, just give me a day or two.

    shannon – Just don’t get more than 12 cats. Anything after 12 is really, really bad.

    falwless – Thanks! And I’m already going to hell, but thanks for wishing me well along the way.

    renee – Leo was too boring! Raph has the street sense to get the job done.

    deutlich – Michaelangelo was too dumb, he’d always be fucking things up.

    jamie – No way – it’s Raph. He has a bad ‘tude, which is what you need if you’re a teen, a turtle and a ninja.

    narm – Right – “No, I didn’t wear this the last time you saw me – don’t be silly!”

    dutchess – I’m really good at being negative.

    miz – I am here to help people.

    msr – Believe me, all dudes are like that.

    unbearable – I guess it can be entertaining, but I’d rather be relaxed and calm than entertained.

    melissa – Yay!

    stealth – That’s the spirit!

    maxie – You’re making the right decision.

    jl – Ok, not a bad point.

    nuttycow – Trust me, all guys are like this, they just don’t tell you.

    alexa – Something far, far away that is thankfully in my past.

    mental – Don was the second to worst, only to Michaelangelo. And I just spelled that twice and it was wrong both times.

    jay – Thanks man – and yeah, at least that many times.

    jenny – Hey! Us dirty sock wearers have feelings too!

  25. Ok so now how did you and Ari meet?

  26. its just as bad for girls! here’s a good test for the ladies to use though:

    drink heavily on the date. barf in his lap, if he calls back he’s a keeper!

  27. I think dating would be great if I didn’t have to go on any dates.

    And yeah, Rafael was my favorite, too.

  28. I can’t even TALK to dudes anymore. Seriously, I can barely look them in the eye. I can’t even imagine being single again. I was never any good at it. I feel like you have to be all breezy and self confident and I am the opposite of that.

    Plus, the sweating.

  29. You are leaving guyland.

    stumbled across this today.

    http://www.newsweek.com/id/156372/page/2

  30. I don’t miss dating either. Except I’m single, so I kinda have to start again don’t I? oops.

  31. Wow. So great to read a man’s perspective on dating. Congrats on never having to date ever again!

  32. Dating is awesome when you can date two ladies at once.

    I’ll take one.

  33. It drives me insane that men are all “your life is over!” once a guy gets engaged. SHEESH. Tell your friends they can kiss my ass.

    Ok, fine, I’m cranky today. So what??!

  34. megkathleen

    I’m with you – if I have my way I will never date again. NEVER. It’s horrible. Plus I turn even crazier than I already am and at some point during the date I have to go through my purse looking for my pills.

  35. Michaelangelo is the best ninja turtle!! Also, I love photo hunt. And would totally love any guy who took me to a place that had it. So long as he paid for us to play it, of course.

  36. marie – She started working at a restaurant where I was waiting tables. I swept her off her feet by not being a dumbass like her last boyfriend.

    dmb5 – That is a perfect idea.

    noelle – Yup, that sounds about right.

    kiala – Yeah, pit stains don’t usually translate into love – but sometimes they do!

    allison – That was an a good read – thanks for that.

    paula – Unfortunately, yes. Good luck and hope you don’t go insane.

    peanut – I am celebrating every moment.

    rs – It is!

    mindy – My friends might take you up on that offer, so you may want to think twice about having me tell them that.

    megkathleen – Hahaha – but some dudes like the pill popper look.

    arielle – No way – he’s the worst one! He can never be counted on, all he wants to do is eat pizza and say “cowabunga.”

  37. longredcape

    Raphael IS the best ninja turtle.

    And I totally read Public Time as “Pubic Time.”

    I completely agree with the whole “I had a great time” thing . . . I mean, I’ve been “dating” a guy for over a month, we have spent the night together multiple times, and when I left his house this morning he said, “I had fun last night,” and here I am thinking “Was he just saying that to be nice? Is he ever going to speak to me again? Oh my God what did I do and what the fuck is wrong with me?!?!!”

  38. i’m glad we’re on the same page with the rafael thing.

  39. k8

    I just started dating again and yeah. Yucko. At least I’m getting laid now. Ha!

  40. If my engagement doesn’t work out, that’s it, I’m done. I don’t even know how to chat with the checkout people at the grocery store. How would I make small talk over an entire meal with a stranger?

  41. tia

    i’m submitting my counter-labels to your post.

    i was always partial to donatello, photo hunt is at my favorite bar, second dates are for virgins.

  42. Steph

    Oh God. The thought of dating again makes me want to crawl into a hole in die. This is inconvenient as I just got out of a long-term relationship. Damn. At least I know that a sufficiently large percent of the population echoes the dread of dating…

  43. Dating is a horrible concept. I’m determined to find some way around it.

    Also, I’m rather neutral on the TMNT front. I’m just happy all 4 of them were mentioned.

  44. rafael was my favorite turtle, i would be okay if a guy said that to me, haha.

  45. Fuck dating. That’s why I like to stumble through life consistently drunk so I don’t have to overthink things like this.

  46. KT

    Ummm Nudie Photo Hunt is seriously my favorite game. I drag people to bars with Nudie Photo Hunt. No joke. I even taught my parents to play.

  47. JK

    I love dating….really….I just love when guys pay for photo hunt!

  48. photo hunt and beer specials would be my idea of an awesome date.

    and yet i am still single. what’s the deal?

  49. Just don’t forget everything – most marriages end pretty quickly. At least mine have.

  50. Going on a date is like going to an interview for your coochie

  51. myr

    Loved this post.

    Here’s how I obliviously handled my current situation and reversed the roles.

    Are you working part time at the military exhibit?
    yep!
    are you working saturday?
    nope I get a day off
    Any plans for saturday night?
    Nope none…you gotta see the new tank they have!!! blah blah blah

    So now I have to ask HIM out because I realized after he left….that I fucked up.

  52. Personally, I liked the rat dude (Splinter?) better than all the turtles combined.

    And yeah, dating sucks.

  53. Pingback: Dating Brings Tears to Your Eyes | Word Perv

  54. Darting totally f-ing blows.
    I just want to get laid.

  55. Rafael absolutely IS the best!!

    I totally think dating can be fun… of course, I am the girl and I don’t stress much , and I think sex is all just a part of dating…

    Haha, you’re getting married!

    😉

  56. wait, wait, wait, WAIT —– there are restaurants withOUT photohunt?!?! what about my babes and hunks???

    also, yes, dating SUCKS. onto getting married…

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