discovered

I’m sorry.

I have something to tell you and you’re not going to be happy about it.  But I hope when this is all over, we can still be friends.  Or at the very least I can still drunk text you at three in the morning telling you how I just won three dollars by winning an arm wrestling match.

The thing is, I know how hard you’ve been looking for The Coolest Man In The World, but I found him.

I found him this morning, while on the train to the gym.

He is cooler than Montell Jordan.

He is cooler than ALF.

He is even cooler than that time you did a keg stand longer than everyone else at the party and didn’t even puke or sleep with anyone ugly.

Yes.

He is that fucking cool.  I wouldn’t lie to you about something like this.

You can keep looking if you want, but I found him.  Behold.

He is better than you.

He is better than you.

Notice the all white outfit.  From the “New York” tank top to the shoes – all white.

Notice the sunglasses.  Sure, it was 6:50 AM and he was underground, but The Coolest Man In The World must shield his eyes from the paparazzi, who lurk around every corner.

Notice the body language.  Not a care in the world.  No rent to think about because he simply tells landlords, “I will live here.  That is my payment to you.”  

The search is over friends.

You tried your best, but I think we can all agree, there simply is no beating this man.  

Victory is his.

(I’m guest posting over at A View From 5280Ft (a great blog) today so please go check it out.  I’m writing about feet, which I think is enough of a reason to get you to read it.  Go!  Please!)

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61 Comments

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61 responses to “discovered

  1. deutlich

    I think I’m jealous.

    I think

  2. Ben

    He’s like that dude who trashed an entire neighbourhood in Australia with a single party then refused to remove his nasty yellow sunglasses on television because he figured it was part of his ‘brand’.

    YOU ARE A PUNK. YOU DO NOT HAVE A BRAND.

    That’s like this guy. Only he probably could end up with his own line of Nike sneaks.

  3. You know that later he will be telling his buds about how he couldn’t even get away from the paparazzi on the train.

    “This guy was totally taking pics of me….it’s so hard being me….”

  4. I totally slept with that guy.

  5. Since he’s also wearing the coolest over-sized cross/crucifix, I’m going to replace my regular-sized Star of David with an even bigger one.

    Alas, he’ll still be cooler than me.

  6. OMG you did find him! Did you get his autograph by any chance?

  7. Drunk texts are the best.
    I’m hoping he makes that face all the time. When he’s in the shower. When he visits his grandma in the hospital. Whenever.

  8. DOOOOD!

    I think I saw him at Chuck E. Cheese the other day!

  9. I’m pretty sure this guy served me my Egg McMuffin Tuesday morning through the drive-thru window. He had on a uniform, though, so I can’t be positive. If I knew what kind of double life he was leading I may have sold that sandwich wrapped on eBay instead of throwing it out. What a gangsta.

  10. OMG is he wearing Blu Blockers? Because if he is I can not rest until I can be swooned by his coolness and have his love child.

  11. nancypearlwannabe

    How old is he? 13? 35? No one will ever know, but it doesn’t even matter because he is too cool for age.

  12. He IS better than me, isn’t he?

    Oh, and a drunk text that applies to feet. Ahem. My friend-he’s always madly in love with me when he’s drunk-sent me: heatherr you r my solemate.

    I replied “sole or soul?! i need 2 know!” to which I received no reply.

  13. Nothing, and I repeat- NOTHING- is cooler than ALF. Take it back. Now.

    This dude looks like the kind of guy that speaks to himself in the third person while he masturbates.

  14. he’s still not Montell Jordan…but who is. i wore all white once. then some fucker called me the stay puft marshmellow man. so i kicked his ass and wore his blood like a pair of Mike Schmidt wristbands

  15. Miz

    Is he single? Have him gimme a call…A man THIS COOL is a once in a lifetime opportunity!!!

  16. Ha, love it. I should start taking pictures like this. He is cooler than cool!

  17. k8

    He scares me.

    This is why I do not live in NYC.

  18. He is like the white P-Diddy. Only cool.

  19. Whoa, I am blinded by all the coolness, where’d he get that bling? I wonder if he knows he’s going to grow up to be the manager of Mickey D’s?

  20. almostrightword

    You absolutely need to check out this blog. The guy does a “Myspace Toolbox” section that is undeniably wonderful — he literally combs Myspace looking for the tooliest of tools and posts their pictures/bios on his blog…then proceeds to make fun of them.

    This guy, the white P-Diddy, as Narm so eloquently put it, would totally make it into the Toolbox.

  21. He’s a sideways/upside-down visor away from being my new hero.

  22. I bet he smells like Heaven. And Drakkar Noir.

  23. That guy is AWESOME!

  24. You do know that’s David Beckham!

  25. But what’s in the bag!? What could someone as cool as he is possibly be carrying in the bag!? It must be very important or His Coolness would have someone else carry it for him.

  26. that’s my little brother.

  27. And I thought there were no single men to be had.

  28. I think I just found my new best friend. He’s PERFECT.

    I love that he’s wearing sunglasses. Love it.

  29. deutlich – Oh you are. Admit it.

    ben – You’re gonna hate me for this, but I loved that guy.

    inreallife – Hahaha – of course! I only added to his fame!

    nicole – You are one lucky lady – he has to be the best in bed.

    arjewtino – Keep trying!

    marie – No. I suck. Forgive me?

    megan – Oh I’m sure he does. And I figured you were a fan of a well placed/worded drunk text.

    kristen – He’s on an east coast tour!

    falwless – You were so close to being rich.

    dutchess – Wait, what are those?

    nancypearl – Of course he is! He’s timeless.

    heather – Hahaha – fucking awesome.

    whiskey – Hahaha – now that is something I didn’t think of. And you’re right, ALF is cooler. But just because he eats cats and has a sarcastic come back for everything. “Ha! I kill me!”

    jay – Awesome – I love the Mike Schmidt reference.

    dmb5 – Better get in line.

    miz – I will tell him if I’m blessed enough to see him again.

    caden – You should, it’s really fun.

    k8 – But what about all the crack heads here? They’re all so inviting!

    narm – Right, minus all the shitty TV shows.

    alice – I bet he can feel it.

    almost – Wow, that is a great idea, thanks for that link!

    justin – Damn! So close.

    kiala – Isn’t that redundant?

    todd – Oh hell yes.

    robbie – Hahaha – man, I should’ve told him to stop dating that scarecrow thing.

    dingo – I know, I wondered that too. Perhaps some more white shoes?

    alexa – Hahaha – dude acted like he didn’t even know me!

    noelle – You guessed wrong.

    lauren – I do too. It’s a great look.

  30. I bet that dummy has a high squeekey voice.

  31. Why is he dressed like that, particularly at THAT ungodly hour of the morning? Was he ALSO on the way to the gym? Or is that just the way he dresses? Wow, what style, what taste . . . I’m impressed…

  32. Megkathleen

    Well, that’s that. I broke up with Charlie and I bought a ticket to NY.

    I’ll be sure to send you an invite to what will be the wedding of the century.

  33. No one is greater than ALF.

    You take that back!

  34. longredcape

    I bet he’s listening to S Club 7 on his iPod.

  35. Wait.

    I thought YOU were The Coolest Man in the World…

    Now I’m confused.

  36. Geeeeeezus, how could I EVER live up to that?!

    Thanks for the laugh!

  37. oh gosh, you are so right!!

  38. Pants

    Cooler than ALF? That’s just crazy talk.

  39. ha – i wrote about montell today as well.

    so when you take pics of people on public transit…how are you sly enough for them to not notice you are capturing their mug via your iphone? or do you just not care? either way, props bro.

  40. You forgot to mention his super awesome silver chain with cross pendant… cuz noticing that just made him cooler in my eyes.

  41. zibbs – Me too.

    paula – You should be!

    megkathleen – Can I be in the wedding party?

    rs – I know, I know, that was a bit of a stretch.

    longred – I don’t even know what that is! That’s how cool he is. Wait. You do, so maybe you’re just as cool as him!!!

    jen – Well, aside from him I am. Certainly better looking.

    slick – You never will be able to.

    cecilia – I try my best.

    pants – I am glad to see there are lots of ALF supporters out there.

    ang – I pretty much just don’t care.

    mental – I know, it was a pretty sweet chain. I’m sure Jesus is jealous.

  42. Matt

    I bet he’s listening to something awesome like bobby brown or al b sure.

    Btw, awesome guest post today.

  43. Megkathleen — but would you BOTH wear white?

  44. how did you snap that photo of him? The coolest man on earth would make you pay for that photo. Also, I would expect white sunglasses …i dunno, you may have to keep looking.

  45. No one can beat him. I agree. Oh, unless it’s someone exactly like him BUT singing out loud.

  46. What a hunk. Think he’s single?

  47. I especially love how low-cut his tank top is. You can almost catch a glimpse of his man-cleavage. That’s hot.

  48. Are you sure that’s not you with blonde hair?

  49. I’d want to be that cool only because of the promise of free rent.

  50. The real question is, DID YOU GIVE HIM MY NUMBER???

  51. You know what’s great about that dude?

    Everything.

  52. “Cooler than Montell Jordan”?? Blasphemy. Total blasphemy.

  53. I cannot handle this level of cool.

  54. You need to teach us how you take these photos with your subjects being none the wiser from such a close range!

  55. That is awesome, he must never wear the same clothes twice or have a great laundromat to keep everything so shiny white. You must ask him for me!

  56. Echidnagirl

    He’s pretty awesome. We don’t get dudes that cool around here.

  57. That’s kind of spectacular. I think your subway sightings top mine.

  58. Oh my god you found my dream man! I’ve been looking for him everywhere.

  59. Wow.

    Did you happen to get a phone number?

    ‘Cause, you know, I’m sure someone might like to have it. Maybe. Like Britney Spears. The chick’s got eccentric no taste.

  60. Damn. The best blogging material is in New York.

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