The best thing that could happen to me is that I’d become rich and famous by doing nothing.
A lot of people say that if they won the lottery they’d still work, but there is no way in hell I would. I’d spend my time buying frivolous things, pursuing activities that lead to minimal growth as a person and going to parties that I have no business attending.
Also, I’d try and get my picture taken as many times as possible.
I’d be all, “No, please no more pictures. Respect my privacy!” but then I’d smile and tell them about my blog.
The press would follow me around taking pictures of me and put me in all those shitty magazines that hot women read about celebrities doing Normal Things.
After this picture ran in all the hottest mags, there’d be a sudden style surge in dudes who look very bald but seriously aren’t fucking bald dammit.
With all the money and fame I’d probably have to start a charity, because that would lead to even more good press and love from my fans. I think it would have to do with helping all the people who still think it’s okay to pop their polo shirt collars. Because they’re not only hurting themselves, but their loved ones, too.
Then I’d probably start doing some acting, because I’d want to and rich and famous people get to do whatever they want.
Maybe I’ll even release an album that absolutely sucks and name it “Oh Damn I’m Cool” and have every single track be about being cool.
I assume sometime after the album bombs and my acting career begins to bore me, I’ll hold a press conference and announce my retirement from Doing Selfish Things because I’ve become disillusioned with the world.
I’d probably also look into funding anti-balding medication research, but you know, just as a favor for this guy I know. Not for me.