paris has got nothing on me

The best thing that could happen to me is that I’d become rich and famous by doing nothing.

A lot of people say that if they won the lottery they’d still work, but there is no way in hell I would.  I’d spend my time buying frivolous things, pursuing activities that lead to minimal growth as a person and going to parties that I have no business attending.

Also, I’d try and get my picture taken as many times as possible.

I’d be all, “No, please no more pictures.  Respect my privacy!” but then I’d smile and tell them about my blog.

The press would follow me around taking pictures of me and put me in all those shitty magazines that hot women read about celebrities doing Normal Things.

Like this:

Chris walks in the dark!
Chris walks in the dark!

After this picture ran in all the hottest mags, there’d be a sudden style surge in dudes who look very bald but seriously aren’t fucking bald dammit.

With all the money and fame I’d probably have to start a charity, because that would lead to even more good press and love from my fans.  I think it would have to do with helping all the people who still think it’s okay to pop their polo shirt collars.  Because they’re not only hurting themselves, but their loved ones, too.

Then I’d probably start doing some acting, because I’d want to and rich and famous people get to do whatever they want.

Maybe I’ll even release an album that absolutely sucks and name it “Oh Damn I’m Cool” and have every single track be about being cool.

I assume sometime after the album bombs and my acting career begins to bore me, I’ll hold a press conference and announce my retirement from Doing Selfish Things because I’ve become disillusioned with the world.

I’d probably also look into funding anti-balding medication research, but you know, just as a favor for this guy I know.  Not for me.


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55 responses to “paris has got nothing on me

  1. deutlich

    would your bombed album be all pop-centric or rap-centric?

    inquiring minds want to know

    80s style? 90s style?? 60s?!

  2. What? No rehab? What kind of boring celebrity are you?

  3. Can I get your autograph? It’s just so I can sell it in a few years for a couple of millions and make me some money.

  4. stars! they’re just like us!

    they drink coffee! they walk their dogs!

    they walk in the dark!

  5. “this guy I know”. Riiiiiight.

  6. You are wearing the shit out of that tee shirt.

  7. Walking in the dark with no sunglasses?!

    Celebrity blasphemy!

  8. When are you going to adopt a third-world child and then let a nanny take care of him/her?

  9. That is my dream life.

    Except for the bald thing.

    The rest of it? hell yea.

  10. Also, where’s your iPhone in that picture? HOW WILL I KNOW IT’S YOU?

  11. JL

    Oh shit! Chris walks in the dark… Why are you not famous already?! Seriously. I can’t do that because of the werecows. Also I’d buy your medication – not that I’m bald, or that baldness runs in the family but just because that shit would sell.

  12. dude, you forgot to have your own cologne. it could be called something like “nightwalker” based on the mentioned famous picture of you. then you could buy an arena football team. me…i’d buy an island and build a fence. then i’d start talking to volleyballs and carrying guns….er…bigger guns.

  13. Ben

    I’d be completely willing to host your reality show about finding a personal assistant, or a new best friend, or intelligence in small town America.

  14. I look forward to your sex tape

    wait, did I say that out loud?

  15. if you made a music video for your album you could win a moon man. according to that disgrace last night all you have to do is have a video out, there’s no competition.

    oh, and i could do your PR. i need a job : )

  16. What about a reality tv show? I mean we would want to see into the “real” life of Chris. It’s only fair if you are a celebrity. They all do it.

  17. Wait…didn’t I see that picture on Page 6 this morning?

  18. longredcape

    I’ve always secretly wanted to have the paparazzi take a picture of me walking down the street.

  19. work it boy! snap snap.

    and though paris may do nothing, she did do one VERY important thing….

    she was born a hilton – that’s all she needs.

  20. deutlich – Oh def. rap, because I could have Nate Dogg appear on every track. Fucking hot!

    narm – Fuck! I can still abuse someone or something! Does that work?

    marie – For sure.

    brookem – I had no idea!!!!

    jamie – Hahaha – prefect comment.

    coop – Really! I mean, he’s a really awesome dude, but unfortunately he’s balding.

    kristen – Hahaha – damn man, way to blow up my spot. I should have picked a different picture.

    alexis – Yeah, should’ve worn the D&G’s.

    melissa – The papers are in the works. And I know! I should have held it in front of my face.

    maxie – Not the bald thing? Why not???

    jl – But that stock up now man.

    jay – Yes! Then punch Beckham in the face. That’s off topic, but you know where I’m coming from here.

    ben – You are hired.

    inreallife – I’ll send it to you first. You could “leak it” and make millions.

    jenny – You’re hired too! And yeah, what the hell MTV?

    lissa – Another good idea.

    dutchess – Already? Oh dear!

    longred – I’ll send some your way. Or you could just walk next to me.

    alexa – Right. Fucking lucky bitch.

  21. I think I just realized that the way to get rich is to start a service for photographing ordinary people so they can get rich. Wow, Chris walks through parking lots. Just like me!

  22. When are you going to have the big emotional meltdown? Saving it for the Barbara Walters special – “Confessions of a 20 Something Blogger”

  23. dude, you punch Beckham in the face, and when he falls i’ll kick him when he’s down. it’s always been easier that way for me in a fight. that and creeping up behind people.

  24. Okay, but when you host a reality show looking for a new BFF, I totally want to be on it. Just saying.

  25. Don’t all musicians write songs about how cool they are, though? I mean, really, when you think about it, they’re all just saying “I’m better than you”. At any rate, with your huge ego I think you could make an even better album about how cool you are, so I say go for it!

  26. nancypearlwannabe

    I’d like to hear your ideas on how to go about getting rich and famous by doing nothing. I mean, Seinfeld did it. It’s totally possible!

  27. Matt

    You should have done the pic in that green night vision…you know.

    That sells.

  28. This happens to me all the time.

    I just can’t get any peace.

  29. You could do it. You have the celebrity walking pose down.

  30. After you’re famous, I’m totally telling the world I’m pregnant with your child.

  31. You forgot about your sex tape. Someone has to release a sex tape staring you, in order for you to truly solidify your “I’m cool and famous for doing absolutely nothing” status.

  32. This seems very Kathy Griffin of you…and I LOVE IT!

  33. You’re pretty. You should be in a magazine! And on TV! And in movies! And…everywhere! Just being you, so we can all admire and attempt to emulate everything about you.

    That’s it, I’m starting a blog too!

    Oh wait…

  34. This could be like a caption contest – let’s see . . .

    “Chris couldn’t remember what car he brought with him today” (due to being so rich, you have about ten of them)

  35. are you talking about shawn?

  36. How I long for a life of leisure!

  37. noelle – That is the best way, please take pics of me!

    alice – That’s right, she’s going to ask about my childhood and I’m just gonna let the tears fly.

    jay – It’s a plan.

    stealth – You will be the first invited.

    mindy – I thank you for your support.

    nancypearl – And now he’s doing some really, really bad ads for microsoft. I hate those things.

    matt – Damn. Next time for sure.

    kiala – I hope we get our pictures next to each other some time.

    megan – I do? Thanks! I worked on it all weekend.

    justin – That’s a damn good idea.

    mental – Oh I didn’t forget, it’s in the works…

    stacy – Thanks!

    jen – That’s the first part of being famous, start a blog!

    paula – I think that would be the winner.

    ari – Hahaha – dammit.

    alegged – As we all do.

  38. i always wanted to open a gourmet dog food shop although i don’t really like dogs and am a terrible cook.

    i of course would hire someone to do this for me while i was laying on my piles of money being fanned by my husband, justin timberlake.

  39. As a very famous person, let me just say that it never gets old. And the perks? Sweet.

  40. Fame or no fame, please inform the world that popping collars DOES hurt others. Family, friends, we all notice that popping. And it hurts. A lot.

  41. Are you wearing moccasins?! Not sure how far you’d get in the cool department there my friend.

  42. I’m pretty sure this is how Dustin Diamond molded himself.

  43. And you’d buy us all a lot of fucking drinks, right?

  44. You forgot the part where you go to jail. That’s integral – you can’t forget to get multiple DUI’s.

  45. what? no sex tapes, crotch shots, or nip slips?


  46. Stars…they’re just like us!

    They wear giant silver watches…apparently.

  47. um you’ve gotta flaunt the bling or the crotch shots or something at least, haha.

  48. That picture is so going in my locker. The girls will squeal as they walk past. I’m totally going to be the most popular girl at school now!

  49. can you open a restaurant? or a bar?

    only requirement is that it has a theme. or the name has something to do with where you grew up or the name of your imaginary friend from childhood.

    and a clothing line! design a clothing line! the name can be whatever you don’t choose for your restaurant.

  50. Walking at night? That guy must be famous!

  51. callmekp

    Talk to me about a clothing line. Something highlighting tight t-shirts with metallic, script writing all over them. And that writing must be something wonderous, something deep and wide open for interpretation. Like, “Duchess” or “Street” or “Sick Wit It.”

    Would you venture into women’s shoes? You know, something for the ladies?

  52. Echidnagirl

    I bet Cool Guy on the Subway from a couple of posts ago would even want to hang with you.

  53. I guess that’s all that Paris Hilton does need to do. She needs to GO into retirement. But for real. Not like Jay-Z or Brett Favre.

  54. Wow you definitely have the paparazzi face on in there. I would think you’re ready to throw something at me.

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