once bitten, twice shy

It must be hard to be from Transylvania.

Think about all the vampire jokes you’d have to deal with every single day of your life.  You’d never be able to escape them, no matter what you did.

You simply cannot introduce yourself as Ralph from Transylvania and expect the same reaction that Ralph from Iowa gets.

Every moment of your life would be marked because some dude named Bram Stoker wrote a book about a million years ago. And of course ol’ Bram wasn’t even from Transylvania, so he never had to deal with it.  He just got to be that dude who wrote about Creepy Stuff and as we all know, the ladies love them some Creepy Stuff.

Being from Transylvania, you don’t get to enjoy the finer things that Bram did, you just get the jokes.

You’re at your desk, enjoying a jelly donut and looking up quotes from Krull to drop at the next party you go to, and someone says, “Whoa there Dracula – you’re really loving sucking the jelly out of there aren’t you?”

You’re on a date, you tell the woman where you’re from and she drops, “So after dinner I bet you’re gonna turn into a bat and fly away.”  Of course you’d like to reply, “Possibly – if you don’t stop eating like a rabid hyena.” But you don’t.

You sit there and you smile.

You learn to tune them out and sometimes give the standard “Dracula pose” to get laughs when all you really want to do is punch someone in the knee.

It’s not your fault you were born in Transylvania, but really, just look on the bright side:  You can wear a cape at any time and no one will say a damn thing.

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40 Comments

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40 responses to “once bitten, twice shy

  1. Punch someone in the knee?!? Out of all the places to punch?!? I think that’ll hurt my fist… I’m no Chuck Norris.

  2. Ben

    And just think, you can’t even hypnotize people and get jiggy with them without it being a big giant cliché.

  3. Who punches people in the knee?!

  4. I’m part Transylvanian!! My grandmother is from there. I’m awesome. And I will punch you in the knee.

  5. looking up quotes from Krull? …really?

  6. I get interesting reactions myself when I tell people where I’m from. Unfortunately, I do not punch people in the knee.

  7. You’d have it even worse if you were a tickety tack tranny from Transylvania….hot mess.

    Anyone? SNL? No? Okay 😦

  8. JB

    Or if they go on a blind date with someone who has seen The Rocky Horror Picture Show, after introducing himself as Ralph from Transylvania, the woman might think he’s a transexual and attempt to figure out if he’s wearing a garter belt and stockings under those dress pants.

  9. I digress. The episode of Bugs Bunny in Transylvania was ALWAYS my favorite.

  10. FACT

    Bram Stroker never even visited Transylvania when he wrote that book

    FACT

    I’m a nerd

    FACT

    I love Jamie’s joke. She’s fierce….

  11. ralph from transylvania could also have a problem with girls chasing him trying to give him the “honor” of earning his red wings.

    i’m sorry. that was gross.

  12. I once went on a date with a guy who showed up wearing a cape.

    True story.

    He didn’t bite me though. He just dumped me because I lit up a cigarette at a bar and I’m just thinking, dude. You wear a fucking cape. Who are you to judge people?

    Seriously.

  13. nancypearlwannabe

    Now I really want to come up with some good Transylvania jokes, in case I ever meet a native.

  14. deutlich

    capes are the new black

  15. Rachel, you are my favorite for picking up on that!

  16. You also automatically get the nickname “The Count” which is pretty cool. And Halloween is pretty much covered every year.

  17. Matt

    I remember that movie, once bitten…

    that made vampires out to be nice, good people.

    I like that

  18. i think it would be really cool to be a vampire pirate.

  19. are you kidding? i love being from transylvania! do you know how many chicks like to be bit! being from transylvania is fucking awesome. not to mention we have primanti’s and the steelers, and philadelphia too!

  20. arrrrrrrrrrrrrgh mwah ha ha! rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh mwah ha ha!

    sorry, i’ll stop now.

  21. mental – It’s the element of surprise man, no one expects to get punched in the knee.

    ben – Done and done.

    jenn – Transylvanians!

    arielle – I could sense it when we met.

    maegen – Yes. I love that movie. It’s a classic!

    marie – Well you should start.

    jamie – Sorry, I didn’t get it.

    jb – That would not be fun.

    heather – I never saw that one. Does he dress up like a woman in that one? Why the hell did he always do that?

    inreallife – FACT – those were all FACTS.

    dmb5 – Yes, yes that was nasty.

    kristen – SHUT UP. I think you need to write a post about that.

    nancypearl – Something to make work go by.

    deutlich – Tell Marc Jacobs!

    narm – Yeah, that is a good nickname.

    matt – Never saw it. I bet it was bad.

    alexa – Hahaha – your vampire pirate imitation is pretty awesome.

    jay – That’s a good point – women do love to get bit.

  22. Ralph from Iowa IS a fucking loser.

  23. So what exactly is the standard “dracula pose”? I had no idea there was one…

    I’m with Alexa too – it’s my dream to be a vampire pirate.

  24. See, after dinner I would say “Now I’m going to suck your…

    … blood.”

  25. Transylvania was pretty much the best computer game ever.

  26. Soooo…did you watch True Blood or what? What prompted this?

  27. That is my least-favorite non-Kiss song of all time.

  28. That’s tough. Poor Ralph. All the girls would be worried about neck bites and hickeys are hard enough to cover up. He’d never get a lot of action.

  29. Matt

    It was.

    It starred Jim Carrey when he was young. The girl in that movie was super hot though.

  30. I was sitting here thinking OH MY GOD MARY SHELLEY WROTE DRACULA. And I was feeling very, very smug. And then I realized I was wrong. Whatever.

  31. Jo

    I went to Transylvania a couple of years ago, Brasov to be exact. We went to ‘Dracula’s Castle’ and it was the shittest place I’ve ever been. Surrounded by stalls selling mock horror masks and vampire memorabilia, oh, and then there’s the fact that Dracula has about as much to do with the place as the bean bag in my room. Sod all. Bram Stoker “may” have stayed there “once” (unlikely), but apart from that, it’s just featured in the book.

    Worst tourist place ever. Fact.

  32. I actually know someone from Transylvania. When he tells people that’s where he’s from, they don’t believe him anyway. So maybe life isn’t so tough.

  33. mindy – You know him too?

    megkathleen – It’s when you kinda hunch your shoulders and hold your hands up and say something dumb like, “I vant to suck your blood!”

    jen – Right!

    maxie – Oregon Trail is much better.

    kiala – No I didn’t. I was walking past someone on the street and they said they were going to Transylvania.

    mickey – My, My, My!

    stealth – Yup. A big loser that guy is.

    matt – Boobs?

    melissa – Yes! I beat a novelist.

    jo – Hahaha – that is awesome. Thanks for that.

    hollywood – Really? Well throw a Dracula joke at him for me, will you?

  34. Does this has anything to do with The Twilight series and Edward Cullen? No.

    Oh, jeez. I’m kind of traumatised for life.

  35. I would have otherwise mocked someone from Transylvania into oblivion had I not read this blog. This totally matters.

  36. I feel so sorry for Pennsylva.. wait, what? Transylvania? Oh. Geez. No wonder this post wasn’t making much sense.

  37. i’m sort of with hollywood sucker on this one, translyvania just sounds so made up…sort of like north dakota, haha.

  38. I’m not sure what Krull is, but I’m almost completely sure it’s uncool.

  39. I totally have a good friend that’s from Romania, and actually spent the first 7-8 years of her life growing up in the region we call Transylvania. She has a completely American accent now, but she does Dracula like no ones business.

  40. Echidnagirl

    And you would have to live down trying to explain just what the Director was thinking when he picked Keanu Reeves for the Bram Stokes Dracula movie.

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