yes he can

Ari and I are starting to put together some rough plans for the wedding, which mostly involves her doing everything and me watching Sportscenter, but there is one point that we both are stuck on – it’s just going to be a bunch of white people.

That’s all.

No black, no red, no blue, no nothing.  Just a big sea of whites, talking about stock options and comparing loafers.

It’s a dilemma because we don’t want people to think we don’t love minorities, because we do!  I mean, sometimes I even think Al Sharpton makes some good points!

But the truth is that we just don’t have any friends that aren’t white. Well, a couple of my friends are Greek and one is Colombian, but they’ve lived here so long they’re as white as golfing on a Sunday morning.

Faced with this Dire Situation Ari and I have started frantically trying to figure out who can fill that minority void.

The first one we thought of was this guy who always says hi to us when we walk Jack.  The guy is black and we like him, so we thought he’d like to come.  But then we remembered we don’t actually know his name and he doesn’t know ours, so he’s out.

Then we thought our upstairs neighbor would work because he’s black too, but I had to remind Ari that he probably doesn’t like us too much because whenever we come home wasted and I stand on the coffee table singing November Rain at the top of my lungs, he hears it.

Our final idea was to invite one of our landladies, who is black and a lesbian, but we thought she wouldn’t feel like driving to West Virginia to watch two people who call her at 6:45 in the morning to let them back in the apartment get married.

I had some minority friends in high school, but I can’t seem to track them down on Facebook by typing, “Not white friend” so they’re out too.

And really, that’s about it.

So here’s what we’ve decided.  Any of you who are a minority and want to come to our wedding, you’re invited.  

Of course you have to provide some kind of photographic proof, because I swear if you show up and you’re as white as me you’re getting kicked to the curb along with my alcoholic father.

If we can’t get any minorities, I guess we’ll go ahead with the wedding anyway, but it won’t be nearly as fun.  It’ll just be a bunch of white people standing around in their pleated khakis, googling each other on their iPhones and talking about how much they love our new president Barack Obama.


Maybe he’ll come!


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58 responses to “yes he can

  1. Send an invite to Al Sharpton. Tell him sometimes he makes good points. I bet he’ll show.

  2. Damn it, I’d love to come but I’m full blooded German, does that count? I could try to tan a lot. What if I come but only speak in ebonics?

  3. deutlich

    a) I’m sure that the whole WV thing is going to help the cause and
    b) I’m amused that Aaron and I are invited by default.

    You? Are SpEcIaL. It’s like Affirmative Action for weddings…

  4. deutlich

    oh, ps:
    ^Dutchess of Kickball – not all minorities speak in ebonics.


  5. But white people to the Electric Slide the best and that’s almost being black so there you go. You actually have an all black wedding.

  6. Ben

    Homo quota?


  7. I got your back!

    I’m black AND I have dread locks AND I’m from the Caribbean.

    It doesn’t get much more minority than that! I could even be ultra stereotypical and show up with a bucket of chicken and play the steel drums for you! That’ll liven up the white folks… so count me in!

  8. Do I count as a minority because I think The Replacements is a good movie? Because there can only be like 4-5 of my kind out there.

  9. All the weddings I go to seem to have one token black couple. I always wonder how that makes them feel, but then realize it’s probably everyday, all day for them. Maybe they are the same couple each time, like some sort of minority rental. You know- you get the flowers, the caterer, a limo, and the token black couple (by the hour.)

    The last wedding I went to had a guy from central America who was also gay. Two birds.

  10. Finally something good comes out of this minority thing! Because you know that affirmative action didn’t do shit for me!

  11. I can represent all of Eastern Europe….wait, that’s so white that I’m see through…..

    Dan keeps saying I have a little Greek in me, but I keep telling him that he shouldn’t refer to himself as “little”….

  12. My great-great grandparents were Jewish, but my dad’s side of the family pretty much WASPed that right out of me…

    I think you’re just going to have to have an RNC-themed wedding, that’s all.

  13. I’m a halfsie! (Panamanian)

    But I can’t come to your wedding; I have to be the token Hispanic at another one that day! Sorry!

  14. I have most of my original teeth still. Does that qualify me as a minority in West Virginia?

  15. @duetlich 2nd comment – HAHA!

    i’m greek but i’m 100% greek that’s gotta count for something right?!?

    are you guys going to be serving z bars at your wedding?

  16. How many people will turn around at that wedding if you yell out the name “Chas?” Will impromptu polo matches break out?

  17. Colombians rock!!!

    I’ve got your Colombian AND Native American quota right here! Play your cards right and I could get my gay Asian friend to come with me. Maybe a Mexican too…

  18. Jeeze.

    I’ve got nothing. I don’t even have a gay to call my own.

    It’s pathetic.

    And I’m cool, too.

    So what up with that homeslice?

  19. Ok so I’m white, but I’m Lebanese. I can talk in Arabic the whole time if you want me to. What say you?

  20. Matt

    What about me? I’m half mexican…facebook me, you’ll see!!

    ok fine, I understand.

    I’ll put in a good word with Mr. Obama for you. He should be out that way soon and I doubt he’s doing anything else that day.

  21. Marcos

    I’ll represent the browns.

  22. nancypearlwannabe

    If I were not so pasty pale I would drag my ass there just to see the November Rain rendition.

  23. i had this same dilema at my wedding, and i chose to go all white. my reason was simple. my black friends only know me to speak with an affixed street “accent.” for example to my black friends i say: i ain’t goin’ down’ere n shit. to the whites: i’m not going down there at all. i didn’t want to worry about the wedding AND my affixed street accent at the same time. it made sense…at the time.

  24. megan – Hahaha – I am thinking you’re right.

    dutchess – You’d have to tan A LOT.

    deutlich – I was thinking, “all I have is Aaron and you, and I don’t even really know you” But at least you’ll come.

    melissa – There will be NO electric sliding at our wedding! Unless you start one.

    ben – I was counting on you.

    mental – You could even tell them your name is Bob Marley, they’d love you!

    narm – You’re in.

    mickey – Hahaha -that would be great, rent-a-couple.

    lissa – Hooray!

    inreallife – Hahaha – no, he should never say that. Even if it’s true.

    noelle – That makes me sad.

    jessica – Hahaha – dammit! We’ll pay you!

    justin – Oh yes. You are in.

    alexa – Hahaha – Ari is gonna love that z bar comment. My friends are 100% greek too. Want to meet them?

    pistols – Hmmm… I actually don’t think we have any Chas’s, but I’ll try and find one during lunch.

    pithy – Wow! Alright, how do I bribe you to come?

    kristen – You can come because you called me homeslice.

    marie – That works for me. But no English!’

    matt – Thanks man, I am excited to meet him.

    marcos – And you’ll do it well.

    nancypearl – Oh it’s worth it.

    jay – Well, at least you tried right?

  25. Um, does Jewish count as a minority? (Here at Boston College, oh yes it does). In New York not so much. But in WV? Total minority.

  26. I’m practically albino – does that count as a minority? Cuz if it does, I’m totally there!

  27. What about the “short people” population? Because if you need to fill the void of vertically challenged folk, you know who to call.

  28. isn’t this what Craigslist is for?

    … and, uh, are you sure you really want to bring minorities into WV? they may not fare too well

  29. My cousins are half-Puerto Rican. They were the only minorities at my wedding. Want to invite them?

  30. Do you know how hard it was for me to keep reading after the GNR mention?!?

    (Also? I was kinda hoping that would be a link to a video of YOU singing “November Rain”!)

    (Also also? Has Ari given any consideration to wearing a dress like the chick in the video wears in her wedding? You would also look nice in that puffy shirt and weird jacket. And maybe you could invite Slash! He has his own tophat!!)

    If I convince you that “Scandinavian” is not actually “white,” can I come?!?

  31. Rose

    I’m Asian! and hot! Can I be the token asian girl?!

  32. this reminds me of the seinfeld episode where george wants to prove his not racist to he goes over to the only black people he knows house who he met while trying to see a movie and yeah…good times.

  33. FINALLY! All those random aiport searches and convenience store jokes have paid off!

  34. Damnit! I’m as white as they come…

    What if I bring a black friend? Could I come then? Or if I brought a black AND and an Asian? And what if the asian was gay – is that extra points?

  35. I’m Jewish and have an Indian boyfriend. Can we come?

  36. I think I’m pretty much in the same boat as you in this situation.

    However, while I admire your diversity initiative, I wonder if maybe it will be worse to have one token minority in a sea of white faces. Obvious, no?

  37. I like that you and Ari have already identified this problem so early into the wedding planning.

  38. arielle – Actually, Ari is technically Jewish, so sorry we’ve got them covered.

    jill – It counts as being gross, yes.

    stealth – Hmmm… short people might qualify.

    jenny – Hahaha – I am so going on craigslist now.

    todd – Yes. Please send them an email.

    jen – If Slash came to my wedding my life would be complete.

    rose – Hell yes!

    chicago – I love that one! I really love every episode, so thanks for that Seinfeld reference.

    rs – See? The full body cavity searches were worth it.

    megkathleen – Oh yeah, total bonus points for that.

    lauren – Like I said, Ari is “jewish,” but please tell your boyfriend to come.

    hollywood – Yeah, that’s true, but I have got to try something dammit.

    nicole – Yes. We can feel our whiteness radiating off of us.

  39. Bwahahha… so funny. I’m Mexican! Can I come? Do you have any hot white friends you can set me up with? Tee hee.

  40. I’m English-Irish-Scottish-Welsch-Canadian, that’s gotta be a minority!?!

  41. I can’t believe no one has a problem with this post, or these comments. Have we really gotten to the point where, as a bunch of white people, we can sit around and giggle about how segregated we are? Are we honestly laughing about our idiotic white guilt and the brash, racist thoughts we have to cure it?

    And what’s this “I don’t have a gay to call my own” shit? What am I, a fucking party favor? Can you buy me in a store? Jesus Christ, people. I wouldn’t be so offended if this shit was at least funny.

  42. Uuuh. See you at the next Klan meeting.

    This post was weird. Not gonna lie.

  43. I think you should compensate by only playing music by minorities at the reception.

    I’m only a halfsie, but if you want I can bring my dad.

  44. “I stand on the coffee table singing November Rain at the top of my lungs”

    i el oh eled

    yes, i just said that while pretending to not say it.

  45. peanut – Actually, I do.

    alice – Yes, I do believe that is.

    john – It is funny! So you should be even more offended that you didn’t get it.

    yourgirlfreind – I’ll bring the sheets!

    underpaid – Bring him!

    sarah – I’m glad you didn’t say it.

  46. If I tan a really whole lot will you invite me to your wedding?

  47. Sweet so I’ll be there. I expect an Evite with a South Korean flag on it. And how do you not have any minority friends when you live in NYC??

  48. Zakary

    To the Barleycorn:

    Don’t get too excited about hoisting your sincerity at us. This thread is funny. Because it chooses to be honest about being both a minority and a majority. Because it does not seek a lie. Because there is no need to protect anyone. And if you haven’t heard we’re all a little racist sometimes.(


  49. Yes! Finally a reason to go to West Virginia. Are you registered at Crate and Barrel? lol

  50. I’m not a minority. Can I still come to your wedding? I’ll bring beer. And not Miller Lite.

  51. if i go, obama is sure to follow me. 🙂

  52. I’m Canadian and a redhead. We’re practically an endangered species. See you at the open bar!

  53. I’m probably as light skinned as you are, but I swear I’m Hispanic! You can check out my facebook and you’ll notice all my comments and stuff are in Spanish.

    Can I come to the wedding?

  54. How about an Aussie Asian aye aye aye?

  55. Whoo! I’m half korean. I’ll break out my traditional Korean dress. 🙂

  56. I can’t stop laughing at this. The ending was glorious, and so was the post tag “please don’t send me a link to stuff white people like.”

  57. Black? check
    Female? check
    Handicapped? Well, kinda. Other than being fatally morbid I did survive a brain tumour and I do have a rare disease. So, check.
    I can also bring other minorities: My sister is married to a Jew, my cousins on my Mum’s side are half Chinese and on the other side?
    Check. I win. Send the invite.

    Oh yeah, and I’m Canadian

  58. Dude I am blacker than night. You can invite me.

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