just a boy

I couldn’t shave this morning because I ran out of shaving cream yesterday and I may have been too distracted to buy more and instead bought some Silly Putty.

Which is Good because you can make a ball and copy comic strips and then stretch them out and laugh, but Bad because you can’t use it to shave.  At least that’s what I hear.

Without a way to shave, I arrived at the gym and for the first time today looked at my face.  It was that instant that I realized something terrifying, disheartening and terrifying all over again:  I still can’t grow a beard.

This wasn’t a big deal when I was 17 because only the hairiest of the hairy could grow a beard.  But now, at 29, it is a big problem.

I remember my first attempt to grow some Man Face, and let me tell you, it was a disaster.  Back then I had two spots that wouldn’t grow hair and they were big – so I ended up with this scraggly Amish-looking beard that frightened small children and made women frown.

Not being able to grow a beard as an adult is especially troublesome to me because it basically means that I’ll never be a real man.

Never.

No matter what I do or say, because I have this little, tiny patch under my chin that won’t grow any hair for some scientific reason, I will never be able to proudly say that I Am Man.

Sure I work out and have abs that you could bounce a penny off of (that sounded manly right?) and sure I box and sure I like sports and sure I Enjoy The Women, but I’m not a real man.

It’s sad, but that’s the way it is.

At least I still have my Silly Putty, which, by the way, I made into a perfect little box last night.

That has to count for something, right?

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56 Comments

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56 responses to “just a boy

  1. Ben

    Abs you can bounce a MACHETE off of.

    Now THAT’s manly. I know this because I am among those Who Can Grow A Beard.

  2. Ben

    To be clear: not that I would ever want to. Having to shaving makes the puppies inside my brain cry but looking homeless is still worse.

  3. Ben

    Damnit.

    “Having to shaving”

    Seriously? Did I just do that?

    Okay. My commenting game is over.

  4. Silly putty AND shrinky dinks, dude, who needs a beard? Cool shit like that makes the man. And if you add some slime to the mix…whoa.

  5. It’s true, you will never be Man.

    But the world needs sidekicks too, so take heart.

  6. Well, if it makes you feel any better, you are tied for the winner of my one-liner contest. For your MANLY HILARITY.

    Better?

    Yes?

    Good.

  7. use a maybelline eye brow pencil in ebony…this should solve you beard problem, but not so much the manliness problem.

    i’m here to help!

  8. Red

    My 24 y.o. baby brother recently tried to grow a beard, also with somewhat comical results.

  9. Don’t feel bad; I can’t grow a beard, either.

  10. I think you should try putting rogaine or some other wonderful hair-growing stuff on that patch on your face. And let us know how it goes. Human guinea pig!

  11. go out and knock a few random chicks up. that’ll make you feel like a man again.

  12. Dan is the opposite. All he has to do is think the word beard and BAM! Lumberjack mode!

    What I will do is have Dan save his beard shavings and mail them to you.

    hmmmmm I just had a new business idea……

  13. I really only wandered over here just now to see how Ben “raped” your comment wall.

    But, after reading, I’d like to say we can never date – which was unlikely anyway, but your inability to grow a beard seals the deal. I simply enjoy the “manly scruff/starting to grow a beard” look far too much – feel free to ask my boyfriend all about it.

  14. What if you make up a really manly story about why no hair grows there, like it’s scar tissue because your face was shot off in the war, back ole’ ’68.

  15. I’ll send my boyfriend over to you. He can give you some of the hair that grows on his face. Boy can grow a beard in two days. Ok, maybe three.

  16. Ben

    The numerous comments suggesting a facial hair swap are going to haunt my dreams.

  17. Matt

    I am among Those Who Can Grow A Beard as well…

    We’re all starting a beard growing blog.

    If you want, I can sneak you in.

    Just kidding…I cant do that.

  18. maybe it’s not that you’re not a man but that you’re a Native American man. THat would explain it.

  19. My boyfriend has a patch under his bottom lip that will probably never grow hair. I’m okay with this.

    Don’t get all hung up on the beard thing. I can’t grow one either.

  20. Silly Puddy is the lifeblood that binds human beings and animals. Beards just make women bitch at us when they scratch their cheeks.

  21. Well, you’ll never look like George Michael. It’s a shame, but there are worse things.

  22. beards are gross. consider yourself lucky.

  23. ben – I should have said something like that, or maybe even a gun! Yes, a gun would be manly too.

    ballerina – What if I add Ecto Cooler? I am hot!

    maiden – Thank god!

    stealth – As an extremely competitive person, yes, winning makes me happy. But wait – a tie??? Well, at least Matt is cool.

    dmb5 – I’ll buy one at lunch!

    red – Tell him I feel his pain.

    aine – Oh c’mon, I’ve seen yours grow in pretty thick, don’t be humble about it.

    arielle – Maybe I’ll add some to my back just for shock value.

    jenny – Watch out women of NY!

    inreallife – I have to say that I don’t like that idea and I don’t think Dan will either.

    amind – Well, don’t wander over here just to read my blog, that would be ridiculous!

    dutchess – Yes! Great idea!

    marie – I mean, I grow a beard, just not in that little place.

    ben – You and I both.

    matt – Damn you.

    maegan – I’m going to start telling people that.

    amanda – That makes me feel better.

    jay – That’s a good point.

    megan – You lie!

    maxie – Thankfully Ari feels the same way.

  24. This is a shame, since if you ever become fat like me, you can’t grow the It Sort Of Hides Your Double Chin beard, which is crucial (see: George Lucas, Kevin Smith, et al).

  25. The copy/print function of Silly Putty was one of my favourite highlights of it.
    I mean in no time you could copy a whole sheet of a newspaper–well actually it would be in some time, in fact it would take about 5 hours or so.

    I bet if you bought like 5 Silly Putties you could set up a business to rival Xerox.

  26. deutlich

    LOL @ DMB. Oh, Danielle.. cracks me the fuck up.

  27. Dane has the beardiest beard ever. But he also doesn’t have the manliest chin ever so I feel like God or whatever gave him an assist.

    See that? A sports metaphor! For you!

  28. A micro-weave perhaps? Or Bro-extensions? Or you could simply commit to gender reassignment surgery.

  29. awww, poor thing, but if you can´t grown a beard, that means you´re not ichy when you kiss 😛

  30. Clearly the most obvious solutions is to make a beard out of silly putty.
    Real men have green beards.

  31. My favorite beards to make fun of are the one’s grown by dude’s that don’t have a chin. They think they’re fooling everyone but we all know.

  32. I can’t grow a beard either, but I survived.

  33. Having a beard is just another thing that just pisses off your girlfriend… trust me on this (or ask Deutlich). Count your blessings that you can’t grow a beard, Ari doesn’t need another item on the “my girlfriend puts up with a lot” list.

  34. Look, if you take out the trash without being asked, and give oral without being asked, then you are the manliest of men.

  35. Don’t worry sweetie.

    I can’t seem to grow any boobs.

    I get you.

  36. When I was a teenager, I was despondent that I couldn’t grow armpit hair.

    Now, it won’t stop.

  37. I don’t really care much if my “man” can grow facial hair. It’s less irritation during kissing if he can’t.

    Although, one of my friends says beards make her hot…she can’t resist them. It’s even resulted in meaningless, out of control sex…I suppose you’ll never experience that sort of attraction…eh, oh well.

  38. Hey Chris, remember back when you wanted a nickname? How about Naked Face??? 😉

    I just taught my three-year-old niece about the joys of Silly Putty and comics. The world is good.

  39. meagank

    You’re very brave for sharing this. My BF can’t grow more than a soul patch and a neck beard. It looks like a reverse beard. I’ll make him read this. Maybe he’ll find comfort in your story. And a kinship with you, of course.

  40. My man has some bald spots when he grows his facial hair too. It results in a beard that appears to be grown by a pre-pubecent 12 year old. It’s funny and gives me the giggles when I tease him about it. Luckily he has no desire to grow a beard (and I would never want him to either) so it doesn’t really matter.

    Now the real question is, can you grow a stasche? B/c those are hot. 🙂 Haha…

  41. Beards are overrated.

    That’s all I have to say on the matter.

  42. That’s the third strike. I’m not friends with men who can’t grow beards.

  43. Facial hair is hot.

    Try some Rogaine.

  44. You just have to power through it! My husband can’t really grow much of a beard either but he just kept on going… and it eventually filled in. It’s no Brawny man beard but it was good enough to me.

  45. pistols – I am shamed beyond shame.

    robbie – Would you like to be my business partner?

    deutlich – I’m coloring my face right now.

    kiala – Hahaha – this is why we’re friends.

    foxy – Chrissy it is!

    antonella – That’s right, I am one smooth operator.

    princess – I’d be the coolest person ever, that’s for sure.

    zibbs – So you can see through their lies!

    noelle – I have no idea how.

    mental – Hahaha – I bet Ari completely agrees with that.

    melissa – Really? Well then I am the manliest man of all time.

    kristen – As long as you have a nice butt, you’re fine.

    arjewtino – Hahaha – just wrap it around your head and tell people it’s a hat.

    jade – Aw man, but i love meaningless out of control sex!

    jen – Naked Face sounds a little less manly than I’d like.

    meagan – We can hold each other.

    kellie – Oh yeah, I could do that for sure.

    paula – I am a fan of that comment.

    megkathleen – Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!

    yourgf – I’ve got the 5oclock shadow thing going, is that good?

    twink – Yes! Determination is all I need.

  46. As a brown person that can grow a beard in 3 days, let me just tell you how lucky you are.

  47. My words of comfort for you are those spoken frequently to my husband.

    “Baby, look at Johnny Depp. LOOK AT HIM! The man IS sexy. Why? Because he can’t grow one either. Manliness is all about the baldness under the chin, the mustache’s issues with fraternizing with the rest of the facial hair, and the miracle grow thing going on with the side-burns. You’re beautiful.”

    It doesn’t work with him either, but I still like motivational speaking.

  48. Obviously since I require all of my suitors to have Hugh Laurie-style scruff at all times, I regret to inform you that we can’t date.

    Ben, on the other hand, should call me.

  49. That little patch under your chin that won’t fill in? That is God’s way of making it so that you can never, ever have a soul-patch and look like a big douche-bag. It’s a blessing, really.

  50. Breaking News:
    Facial hair deemed gross and itchy by gorgeous women everywhere.

    I thought you should know.

  51. Nope. It counts for nothing. YOU ARE NOT A MAN!!!

  52. i can’t grow a beard either.

    not that i want to or anything, but just saying.

  53. Beards are weird. It’s why it rhymes.

  54. tia

    beards are overrated. i like abs much better.

  55. You could compensate for this by growing a mustache. A powerful one.

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