I couldn’t shave this morning because I ran out of shaving cream yesterday and I may have been too distracted to buy more and instead bought some Silly Putty.
Which is Good because you can make a ball and copy comic strips and then stretch them out and laugh, but Bad because you can’t use it to shave. At least that’s what I hear.
Without a way to shave, I arrived at the gym and for the first time today looked at my face. It was that instant that I realized something terrifying, disheartening and terrifying all over again: I still can’t grow a beard.
This wasn’t a big deal when I was 17 because only the hairiest of the hairy could grow a beard. But now, at 29, it is a big problem.
I remember my first attempt to grow some Man Face, and let me tell you, it was a disaster. Back then I had two spots that wouldn’t grow hair and they were big – so I ended up with this scraggly Amish-looking beard that frightened small children and made women frown.
Not being able to grow a beard as an adult is especially troublesome to me because it basically means that I’ll never be a real man.
No matter what I do or say, because I have this little, tiny patch under my chin that won’t grow any hair for some scientific reason, I will never be able to proudly say that I Am Man.
Sure I work out and have abs that you could bounce a penny off of (that sounded manly right?) and sure I box and sure I like sports and sure I Enjoy The Women, but I’m not a real man.
It’s sad, but that’s the way it is.
At least I still have my Silly Putty, which, by the way, I made into a perfect little box last night.
That has to count for something, right?