i don’t like sushi anyway

On Saturday night, Ari and I went out to dinner at a Japanese tapas place for our friend’s birthday, and things went slightly different than planned.

From the beginning, the people working at the restaurant seemed a little confused.

Drinks were wrong, food came out differently than it was supposed to and one guy even had to wait almost forty minutes for his beer.  Which he never got.  He ended up having to get a different one because after all the waiting, our server finally told him that the beer he wanted was out.  The guy is nicer person than me, because if I had to be sober for that long in public I would’ve punched someone’s baby.

As the night went on and I tried to pretend that the girl sitting across from me didn’t make me want to stab my hand with my fork, everyone got their final course, except me.

So I sat there.

And sat there.

I was being Adult Chris, mainly so that Ari didn’t give me A Talking To, so I just asked the server a couple times where my food was.

Forty-five minutes later, the owner comes out, and this is when the fun began.

He came to the table because he heard that we were complaining to the server about my food.  At first, he was calm, hearing about all the things that had gone wrong, and then, I think maybe he lost his mind.

He gripped the end of the table with both of his hands and yelled, “This is our best!”  Then he stormed off.

I thought about this, and how awesome it would be to always give this response, no matter the situation, but decided that yelling, “This is my best!” at people would just be another thing I do that does not make Ari very happy.

After the owner yelled at us, we decided, “Whatever, let’s pay and bounce.”

Meanwhile I was about as drunk as William Shatner because I’d been drinking Goose and sodas and still hadn’t eaten.

Then, like a bolt of lightning, the owner was back at our table.  He looked repentant, so I was thinking he was going to apologize for flipping out and making me grip my knife in defense mode, but he instead proceeded to accuse of us saying that we hate Japanese people.

I think that was the point we decided to leave without paying.

Not only was the dinner terrible from start to finish, we were now outed as the secret Japanese haters that we all knew, deep down, we really were.

Having gone and experienced this place and its loony owner, I think I’m now qualified to write a review:

Bozu offers a quaint atmosphere.  If you and your racist friends have always wanted to not get your food and get yelled at by an owner, then make a reservation.  For the full treatment, just be sure to make it under “Stupidjaps.”

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63 Comments

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63 responses to “i don’t like sushi anyway

  1. Holy crap. And I thought I had a problem with my sushi place. Conspiracy?

  2. that’s why i’m dating M. i figure what better way to express my hatred for a culture than to marry into it? it’s the same as going to eat there… kinda.
    awesome restaurant reco. it’s now on my list of places to go next time i’m in NYC… 1. peter lugers 2. Bozu

  3. JL

    The customer’s always wrong. That’s how they do it France. But there the food’s good because it arrives. Small. Good though.

  4. this restaurant is awesome. Is it one of those places that people go where they want to get rude horrible acusatory service?

  5. Oh. My. God.

    This may make you feel better: go to my blog, have a little something that will put a smile on your face. (I think.)

  6. Pingback: Pretzels in the morning « Couch Cubicle

  7. I’m impressed that you were initially still going to pay after the first yelling… that would have been it for me. Well done on keeping your composure!

  8. You should have said “Your best isn’t good enough here in America”. They love that kinda shit.

    If all restaurant reviews were this fun, I’d read them more often. Cheers.

  9. I can totally see you using that line next time in bed;
    “What? You’re complaining about 45 seconds of pure passion? THIS IS OUR BEST!”

  10. My service in a Spanish tapas (I didn’t know they had Japanese tapas but that must be a NY thing) restaurant Saturday night was nowhere near as bad (but it was pretty awful), and my friend and I left without paying too. I felt kind of guilty about it for the first 5 minutes or so, but seeing as I had never done that before, I felt like my time had come.

  11. nancypearlwannabe

    I kind of wish you got this on video. “This is our best!”

  12. Hey at least you got a bunch of free drinks. I’ll let anyone yell at me for free drinks.

  13. Ben

    Oh shit. People messing up my order when I’m hungry? No way. I’m not racist or sexist but I’ll sure as hell be a hateful asshole to anyone who screws with my food intake.

    I’ve never dined-and-dashed but I’ve sure as hell wanted. Applebee’s messed up my order six times in one night. Yeah. Flat-out refused to pay for that one.

    “Vegetarian? Okay, I’ll take off the chicken that you didn’t order.

    Oh. You didn’t want me to replace the chicken with bacon? Okay, hold on.

    Oh. You wanted a completely new meal and not a half-scraped off meal with remnants of bacon still on it?”

    JUST DIE.

  14. I’m so proud of you guys for not paying!

  15. White guys never get to call people racist. Maybe that guy was just prejudice against hungry people. At least you have a new punchline whenever something goes wrong.

  16. Matt

    I can understand them not getting your food because lets face it, sometimes restaurants run out of food…

    but that poor guy who didn’t get a beer.

    fuck.

  17. I think the great philosopher Dee Snider said it best in his magnum opus, ‘We’re Not Gonna Take It:’

    If That’s Your Best, Your Best Won’t Do…

    Of course, yelling that at little Japanese restaurant owners works better when you look like this:

  18. deutlich

    good GRIEF! I would’ve flipped a shit

  19. Hey, if you aren’t going to be using , “This is my best!” then I think I’m going to take it as my own. I think I could really use that on a daily basis.

  20. I would have wanted to not pay, but I wouldn’t have had the balls. Nice work.

  21. you were much nicer than i would have been after having several vodkas and no food in your belly.

    you should yelp about it. i think that last paragraph could be your review right there…

  22. word – Exactly.

    stealth – Yes! I think it’s because we’re bloggers.

    jenny – That’s a good idea, marry into it! I need to see if Ari can become black or something.

    jl – I don’t think I’d like France.

    allthewine – I think it could be.

    marie – Thanks for that.

    mental – I know! I was being so good.

    kat – Now that would’ve been the right thing to say.

    inreallife – No way, I can totally go for like 49 seconds.

    erin – Right, I didn’t feel so bad at all.

    nancypearl – So do I, believe me.

    maxie – That was the best part about it.

    ben – Your first mistake was going to Applebees.

    kristen – That’s how we roll!

    narm – Starting to use it now.

    matt – It was terrible.

    justin – If I looked like Dee, than everything I did would be better.

    deutlich – It was pretty fucking crazy.

    heather – Go for it!

    megan – If you come to NY, I will teach you how to be more of an asshole and you can teach me how to be nicer. Deal?

    ang – That’s a damn good idea.

  23. Dayum. I think next time a table gets mad at me for messing up their order or something, I’m totally taking a page from your ordeal and yelling “This is my best.” I bet that’ll really put the bucks in my pocket.

  24. I would’ve killed somebody. And then said “This is my best!” As in, best murder. It would be my best and my worst since I’ve never actually killed anybody, despite numerous threats.

  25. “The guy is nicer person than me, because if I had to be sober for that long in public I would’ve punched someone’s baby.”

    I can sooo identify with this comment!!!

  26. I wish I could condone the dine-and-dash, but considering that I made my living as a waitress up until about a month and a half ago, I just can’t. I’m a bigger fan of paying the bill and then coming back at 5 a.m. in ski masks and turtlenecks for some good ol’ fashioned vandalism.

  27. Experiences like this truly are PRICELESS.

  28. meagank

    I did the dine n ditch once. It was an at Izzy’s. And it was because the clown who made balloon animals made me uncomfortable.

    Let me break that down for you again.

    Izzys. Clown. Balloon Animals.

    I hate my life.

    You were in the right. Fuck that!

  29. Oh hell no. I would have flipped the fuck out if I was you.

  30. Wow. I once had an old man complain to the waiter because “the girl talked too loud.” And then he got in my face and told me my use of like was making his ears bleed. He was very old, so I told him, “you’re going to die soon.” And my husband thought that was very rude of me. And then we got divorced. Huh.

  31. I’ve written “This is our best” on my hand so the next time I’m at a loss for words I can scream this. I’m really looking forward to that moment.

  32. You should make one of those motivational posters for this restaurant.

  33. I am so going to use that “this is our best” line over and over and over again.

    Just to further exact revenge for the terrible service you got, I just may visit this restaurant and skip before paying my bill, too. I have a bit of expertise in this particular area.

  34. jay grochalski

    chris

    this is why i avoid Williamsburg at all costs. that, and hipsters make me want to slap my own dead grandmother.

  35. I will be in New York this weekend and since I love all things awkward I shall make a reservation. When the bill comes I will pay half the amount and yell out THIS IS MY BEST! I figure that phrase will cover everything.

  36. Did you at least punch a baby on the way out? I hear that’s what drunk, racist people do all the time.

  37. Karen

    funny post; it could’ve been funnier.
    mominreallife’….her response – very funny

  38. amind – I think it’s worth a try.

    mindy – The first of many, I would guess.

    paula – You and many others.

    aine – I was a server for two years, so I know the deal, but this was craziness. Ski masks huh? You’re gangsta!

    jamie – It was so off the wall, that all of us were too stunned to know what the hell happened.

    heather – That sums it up.

    meagan – I try to be whenever possible.

    melissa – Hahaha – that is why you and I would be a terror if we ever met.

    megkathleen – Let me know what happens.

    alleged – Good idea.

    stoogpie – Do it, the food is actually pretty good.

    jay – Yup, they are everywhere, with their skinny jeans and bands that suck.

    lissa – Hahaha – I think so too.

    dingo – Of course!

    karen – Ok, you write about it, and then we’ll see which is funnier. Ready…. Go!

  39. I think you should write restaurant reviews for a living.

    But still blog. We likey.

    You do your best…

  40. Shit. I’m just glad you decided not to pay. Racist.

  41. Sounds downright awful. Not getting your food? Yelled at? Fail.

    That always happens to Jesse, though. Seriously, I’ve never been to a restaurant with him where something doesn’t go wrong with his order. And this is even after he started eating meat again. Bah.

  42. I wonder if I can say “This is our best!” in situations such as me not paying my student loans?

    Well, it’s worth a shot anyway.

  43. Pants

    Wow. I wouldn’t have thought it possible for him to top “THIS IS OUR BEST!”

  44. Wow, I hope “This is my best” will prompt my boss to give me a well-deserved raise. Somehow, I doubt it.

  45. Your story made me want sushi for lunch. So I got some.

  46. Mmmm… I still don’t get WHY you were still there after waiting for over 20 minutes.

    They should have a Pizza Hut policy. 15 minutes or it’s free.

  47. wow i can’t believe you never got your food and your friend didn’t get a beer after 20 minutes. that is just craziness. crazy i say.

  48. So you’ll be back next week then?

  49. Goose

    I would have told him to calm down and not go Kamikaze on us…what? Too much??

  50. Oh man. Like you ASKED for bad service so you could complain? What a crazy man. Your waitstaff was terrible, and obviously the owner wasn’t any better.

  51. Holy shit that’s insane. I can’t believe you even thought about paying in the first place. That guy is f*cking crazy.

  52. Wow. Just wow. Definitely put that shit on Yelp.

  53. so how much did you tip?

  54. tia

    i can just see you sitting there, trying so hard to be “adult” chris…and then finally just going “eff it.”

    hilarious.

  55. I heard that when you left, the owner was heard muttering, “Me so brokey”.

  56. The best part of this entry is that it’s tagged “being a racist is hard.” Dude, everyone knows the Japanese have Latin tempers.

  57. I would’ve left a dollar bill with a note that said “This is the best I can do for your crummy service!”

  58. Seriously? Seriously???!!!

    Please write a review on Yelp. Here’s a link for your convenience: http://www.yelp.com/biz/bozu-brooklyn

  59. Wow. I’m going to try that next time I fuck up something. Which should be in like 10 minutes. Maybe I’ll throw in some racism just to mix it up.

  60. Wow is right. Hilarious. I’m going to start screaming “This is my best” next time someone asks me a question about Marketing Emails.

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