sleight of life

David Blaine is at it again.

If you haven’t heard, the idiot’s latest “trick” is that he’s hanging upside down for 60 hours in Central Park.

Of course I hate David Blaine. I’m a living, breathing, person. This latest stunt from the so-called magician has just sent me over the edge, though, mainly because I’m more of a magician than he’ll ever be.

You want magic?

Yesterday I sat through eight hours of work and didn’t think about hurtling myself out of the office window once – that’s magic!

Then, after work I got drunk and only said “fuck” seven times – shazzam!

And even though I was drunk I didn’t massively over-tip the cabbie and make him think that I wanted to Go Steady – taa-daa!

This morning I took a shower and remembered to wash behind my ears – an amazing feat!

Before setting off to work, I picked up Jack’s pile of turds without getting any on my hands – there’s a trick for you!

And now I’m writing yet another blog post and not getting paid a damn thing – ooohh… ahhh!

Finally, ladies and gentlemen, I will do most of this all over again tomorrow! And the next day!  Until I die! That’s a fucking magic show for you:  Just trying to get through my life.

Come one, come all, for every day until he’s old and tired and has to wear diapers – which doesn’t seem like that bad of an idea – Chris The Master Illusionist!

Poof.

UPDATE:  Jessica just sent me this link, showing that Blaine doesn’t even hang for 60 hours like he says he is.  He stops once every hour!  I hate that guy.

(If you want to read my take on women’s fashion, please go check out my guest post at Kindredly.  Kablooey!  Hmmm… Kablooey?  Sorry.)

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47 Comments

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47 responses to “sleight of life

  1. That provided the perfect amount of laughter for nearly 10am this morning. Thank you. You are correct – getting through our days sometimes without injuring ourselves (or our colleagues?) makes pulling rabbits out of hats look like child’s play. Well said!

  2. Grab a couple of those water balloons and instead of filling them up with water, fill them up with mud and throw them at David Blaine.

    Your magic trick is way cooler than his.

  3. deutlich

    david needs to take a long walk off a short cliff

  4. David Blaine can suck it. You can probably hang up side down for like 60 days. His 60 hours is just lame.

  5. Ben

    Is he hanging by his neck? ‘Cause if he walked away from THAT, I might consider being impressed.

  6. Hmmm…. Why did you wait until AFTER work to get drunk and say “fuck”?! Oh wait, I get it. The “magic” part was you waiting until after work. Well in that case, Bravo!

  7. Fell asleep watching CNN last night and heard Anderson Cooper saying pretty much the same thing on his show. Think the exact words were “I don’t like David Blaine… I’m sick of him” and “I don’t get it… I don’t see the appeal.”

    Which I’m pretty sure is dreamysonofawealthysocialitejournalistese for “Go fuck yourself, Blaine.”

  8. David Blane is a fool.

    That is all.

  9. HAHAHA. Blaine fails.

    Also, I did see True Blood. Watched the first two eps. And now I have another fucking show to watch. Thanks, Chris. I’m up to 80 shows now I think.

  10. @deutlich – that’s his next trick

  11. Wanna meet me in Central Park? When all the blood has finally rushed to his head, we can throw pebbles and watch it explode like the painful, pus-filled zit he really is.

  12. So did you go see him or what?

  13. No shit on your hands??? I can’t even do that when I clean up my OWN poop.

    I just made your blog dirty.

  14. Red

    I just watched _The Illusionist_ last night. Pretty darn good. I don’t know anything about this Blain guy.

  15. Blain is a no-talent ass clown!

  16. longredcape

    I have the magical ability to attract extremely good-looking men who treat me like pieces of shit, while simultaneously attracting trolls who want to marry me and father my children.

    Yay?

  17. you’re supposed to wash behind your ears???

  18. Sometimes at the dog park, I make the motion of picking up the poop with the little bag but I don’t actually follow through.

    That’s a kind of magic, right?

  19. I’m going to use a set of words i don’t use often, unless i’m talking about people in church….and that word is….Douche Bag. David Blaine is a douche bag. This is going to be crass, but I honestly watch David Blaine’s stunts hoping for either his death or injury. of course, that’s the same reason you’d catch me watching the Boston Red Sox or the Cleveland Browns.

  20. Matt

    David Blaine is the devil.

    “And now I’m writing yet another blog post and not getting paid a damn thing – ooohh… ahhh!”

    But you should be getting paid? Where can I send my dollar?

  21. lily – Thanks!

    marie – I like the way you think.

    deutlich – I totally agree.

    dutchess – I bet I could! But see, I wouldn’t want to, that’s why I don’t suck.

    ben – Me too.

    hillbilly – Thanks!

    word – I am bowing right now.

    justin – Damn, that’s about as hardcore as AC gets.

    trigirl – I think that’s all you needed to say.

    jessica – It’s cool right? I didn’t think I’d like it, but I do. You’re welcome.

    megan – Hahaha

    dingo – Ew, man, that is gross.

    alexis – Hell no.

    narm – Hahaha – that’s fine with me. I guess. Did you eat corn?

    red – You’re better off.

    amy – Sing it sister!

    longred – Hahaha – awesome! Yay!

    jenny – I bet you have lots of dirt back there.

    kiala – Yes! You are a master illusionist as well.

    jay – Yeah, I’d have to agree with you on that.

    matt – Bring it by my office?

  22. Dude, hate on him all you want, I’m totally going to see him in Central Park tonight. If you want though, I’ll mock him and tell him that he stinks and that only Losers and the Uncool hang upside down. Then I’ll ask him to autograph a picture of your face and write that you are the King of Everything (not to be confused with the QOFE) and that he is but a lowly stuntman.

    Will that help?

  23. I like his street magic.

    I said it.

  24. Is there anybody out there who likes David Blaine? Everybody hates him right? I just don’t want to live in a world where there is somebody who likes him.

  25. Agreed. But I’d still swing by Central Park and check it out.

  26. Watch me enter my blog name, e-mail that will not be published but is still required, my URL, and my comment!

    Chitty-chitty-bang-bang, that’s magic!

  27. it’s magical that i even showed up to work after my vacation.

  28. i’ll only show up in central park to see him 1)if i have a high powered Super Soaker gun to shoot up his nose 2)if i can find a bag of big and sharp rocks 3)if i can see those beautful fall leaves in bloom.

  29. Wanna see a real magician.

    Chris Angel FTW.

  30. “Shazzam” and “poof”???

    I’ve never been happier.

    You’re a Magic Man!

  31. Didn’t I end a post with the word “Kablooie” last week? Hmmm.

    Whatever. You should shop your brand of magic around to the networks. Maybe you’ll get your own prime time special.

  32. Finding a place at a park for a three year old to take a shadoobie with no one seeing.

    Now THAT takes some smoke and mirrors my friend.

    Let’s see the pussy magician man pull off that stunt.

  33. David Blaine is a magician in comparison to Chris Angel…

    I mean, who the fuck does Angel think he is? 0o0o0o0, he walks on water. 0o0o, he pulls a nickel from behind your ear.

    All lies. Stupid magicians. I saw that movie, you know, that one with Hugh Jackman – so cannot remember what it’s called – and I know how this shit works. Those fools can’t trick me. Nah-uh.

  34. I’m buying stock in pellet guns

  35. stealth – Only if in his interview after, he says that my blog got him through his ordeal.

    rs – You lie!

    alleged – Why thank you.

    megkathleen – I don’t think there is anybody. Thank god.

    nicole – I’ll go if you buy me a beer and a slice.

    arjewtino – Nice, I was waiting for someone to say that.

    erin – I know how you feel. I’m hungover.

    jay – I think that sounds reasonable.

    matt – Sweet.

    maxie – Doesn’t he wear eyeliner? The only dude who can do that is Brett Michaels.

    jen – Hahaha – I am!

    mickey – I totally stole that word from you.

    kristen – Hahaha – shadoobie is a great word.

    amind – Stick it to those bastards.

    zibbs – Trump is with you.

  36. I’m assuming he won’t take a crap for sixty hours, right? That’s still not all that magical.

    But I would pay good money to see Blaine take laxatives every hour and hang upside down for sixty hours.

    Very good money.

    That would be magical.

  37. k8

    I think I deserve some fairy dust for getting up this morning. Serious fairy dust. And I’m not talking about drugs. I’m talking about real magic here.

  38. nancypearlwannabe

    Yeah, eff him. His “tricks” aren’t even impressive, it’s like they were thought up by a bunch of idiots and performed by an even bigger one.

  39. I think we’re all magical for being able to drudge through the day – I have to straighten my hair every morning – now THAT’s magical.

  40. every HOUR? what a friggin lamo.

    abrica-friggin-dabra.

  41. i never say friggin, i prefer the real deal. but i just used friggin TWICE in that comment. odd.

  42. Pingback: Well hung David Blaine, well hung* « strict shenaniganist

  43. Maybe the best illusion you could hope to pull off is to make me think you don’t love David Blaine.

  44. I hate David Blaine, too.

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