options

No matter how much you like your job, there is always a point in the day when you feel yourself slowly losing your mind.

This goes for everyone, even Matthew McConaughey, who just has to flex his pecs, star in terrible movies where he plays the same dumbass every time, and sometimes say brilliant things like “Alright, alright, alright!” for his job.

My Point Of Peril is always the last hour before I leave the office.  Everything is fine until then.  The beginning of the day is great, I do some work and make some calls. After that maybe I make some jokes about setting up a hammock between the printer and my desk and having my coworkers give me a push whenever they print something out.  

Then, in the space between the morning and The Last Hour, I do lots of other crap that isn’t very funny and rather boring, like counting how many paper clips I have in my top drawer.  There’s 27.

When that last hour hits though, I completely lose my mind.

I start to think about suicide, and how really, it wouldn’t be that bad of an idea.

I could just kill myself.

Just end it all.  Then there’d be no more Last Hours and no more watching the clock creep by.  

I’d just be dead.

Of course I’d type out a letter to all my friends and family, and even print out a good forwarded email (Snoopy drinking a beer is one of my favorites) so that they all get a laugh.

It really wouldn’t be that bad.

Sure some people would miss me, but they’d get on with their lives by thinking, “Well, he did say that his last hour at work seemed long, so I understand.  He’s in a better place now.”

Somehow I never end up doing it though, I trudge through my Last Hour and get up and do it all again the next day.

Maybe I should start flexing my pecs more.

Yes, I think that will make things better.

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47 Comments

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47 responses to “options

  1. 27? That’s pretty respectable. I have somewhere shy of 73, but that’s only because I stole a lot from my boss while she was on maternity leave and didn’t give them back yet.

    Meanwhile, I’m with you on The Last Hour. *shudders to think about it….*

  2. Ben

    That’s why I start work stupidly early. Coming in for 7:45 means that my last hour usually approaches before I even notice it.

    Please don’t kill yourself over one hour of your day. That would make me have to write a memorial post and it wouldn’t be flattering.

  3. Matt

    Can you send me that snoopy one. It sounds hilarious.

    Or do I have to wait for the whole suicide thing to pan out.

  4. I’m in the same boat, but with the numbers reversed. My first hour is great, it’s the last 7 that suck balls.

    Maybe we can start some sort of Matthew McConaughey Haters Club and devote the crappy parts of our work days to bringing him down? Would at least give us something to look forward to.

  5. You can’t leave us. Then we wouldn’t have such amusing posts to read and distract us from our own miserable last hours. See, it’s all about US.

  6. The 4 o’clock hour is typically the hour where I start counting seconds until I am busted from the joint.

  7. And that, my friend, is why I email you with retarded questions at around 3:45.

    And that is why you answer me in about 5 seconds.

    We are keeping each other alive, one email at a time.

  8. Why does McConaughey keep getting cast in movies? He’s goofy looking and talks out one side of his mouth. You should spend your last hour writing complaints to every motion picture company that cast him in a flick.

    Dear Sir or Madam, While I enjoyed the premise of “We Are Marshall,” Mr. McConaughey’s lack of acting ability made me want to stab my eyes out with a spoon. Sincerely,
    Shaba

  9. deutlich

    your mind works in mysterious ways

  10. I have 12 paper clips in my drawer. I loaned out 1, so I have 11.

    …I’m with you 🙂

  11. I’m embarrassed to say that my cousin is Matthew McConaughey’s assistant. He’s been on Perez many a time. Grandma’s pissed.

  12. I color coordinate my paper clips, rather than count them. I only use the black and red ones because I’m insane.

    Matthew McConaughey. Sigh. I guess I like goofy looking.

  13. for me its the 3-4 o’clock hour thats the WORST. it dragssssss. i should probably conduct some sort of study. i’m quite certain the minutes are longer in that hour. i’ll get on that…

  14. Your last hour is my entire day at work. This is exactly why I blog and read blogs. It helps the day move by so as to NOT commit suicide.

  15. longredcape

    That’s odd . . . my last hour is usually the hour in which I think, “Oh crap! Was I supposed to do some work today?” and then I get a burst of energy and end up doing a whole bunch of crap.

    But those last ten minutes?

    Those last ten minutes can go fuck themselves.

  16. nancypearlwannabe

    My last hour is from 1:30-2:30, so I don’t really have too many complaints about that. My real complaint is the first hour, which starts at 5:30 a.m. I might consider taking my life to get out of ever waking up when it’s cold and dark.

  17. Off yourself in the last hour and you’ll undoubtedly be reincarnated as “surviving myself 2.0” whose point of peril is the last 2 hours instead of just that last hour!

    … 6 loose paper clips and a box of ’em too

  18. Don’t you know? If you kill yourself in “the Last Hour” you get sent to purgatory which is basically The Last Hour…..forever!!!!

    P.S. please introduce me to your reader Kate so that I can arrange a friendly raping of Matthew McConaughey.

  19. That last hour is what we in the Biz call “The Power Hour”.

    You’re welcome.

  20. wow, i would kill for some days like that.

    my last hour could be any time. usually i find myself growing increasingly busy around 4:45 and then i freak out and realize i won’t be able to leave at 6 like i’d planned, but more like 7:15. and then do work from home. and then claw my eyes out.

    sorry, i’m whining all over your blog.

  21. good idea! how exactly would you off yourself at your desk? staples to the frontal lobe? pencil into the eyeball? hang yourself with a paperclip rope?

  22. I usually spend the last hour of my day thinking about who I’d punch in the face first if given the green light to do so.

  23. Hmm, the last hour reflects the way I feel the last THREE HOURS. Or in cases like today, from about ten a.m. And I was in LATER than usual today . . .

  24. i was contemplating suicide just an hour ago….well either that or going downstairs to buy a bottle of wine and chug it….

    and i still have 4 hours left in this god-forsaken fluorescent hell….

  25. stealth – It’s always good fun stealing office supplies. It’s like a mini adventure.

    ben – Oh yes it would. “Chris was such a good blogger. He was loved by all.”

    matt – Yeah, wait until I’m dead, then the laughs begin!

    justin – Yes, and we can make t-shirts for the club.

    word – You’re so selfish!

    dutchess – Freedom is what we all dream of.

    kristen – I know, you make my life livable.

    shaba – Hahaha – that is a perfect letter.

    deutlich – I am taking that as a compliment.

    katie – Who knows how many you’ll have at the end of the day!

    kate – Really??? Grandma should tell him to tell Mattthew to put a damn shirt on already.

    heather – Hahaha – yes, yes you are insane.

    angtrig – Let me know what you find.

    marie – Blogs really do save lives, I knew it!

    longred – Motherfuckers.

    nancypearl – Damn, I get up at 5:40 and I hate it, I can’t even imagine what you do.

    foxy – That would not be good.

    inreallife – I knew you were gonna say something about him. I hear he’s terrible. Ok, maybe I didn’t. Maybe I’m jealous of his pecs.

    kiala – Thank you!

    erin – Hahaha – here’s a tissue.

    amy – Oh, I like the paperclip rope. Thing 27 will do it?

    twink – Hahaha – that is a good use of your time.

    paula – Yeah, some days it can stretch out.

    dmb5 – I vote wine. It’ll make your emails that much more entertaining.

  26. You know what I do to pass time in the last hour? I read blogs. Its working out pretty well for me.

  27. I wonder if Matthew McCon ever feels like really stretching his acting chops by occasionally playing someone who wears a shirt.

  28. i see your point. but think about Matthew Mahogany’s last hour on the film set. yeah, i know his last name isn’t really Mahogany, but i don’t care. what if they saved the kissing Sarah Jessica Parker scene until the last hour of shooting. i mean here is Mahogany flexing, “acting,” and probably propositioning the caterer, and then all of the sudden it’s 4pm and he has to kiss tha scabby-titted bitch. Sometimes we don’t know how good we really have it, you know, being common folk and that. could be worse–you could be an NFL quarterback this season on an 0-3 team.

  29. That’s the hour where I ask myself if I should grab a beer at work, or save myself for after work. It’s kind of awesome really. Everyone should have booze at work.

  30. Matt

    Kind of like tupac.

    Brilliant!

  31. the coolest way to off yourself in the office has to be a paper cut to the wrist

  32. 27 is the greatest number in the world.

    It’s no 42, which is the answer to life, the universe, and everything. But it’ll do.

  33. Just today a coworker came in my office and said he was going to just end it all. I talked him out of it by offering my entire life savings for the last bullet to use on myelf. So, um, this is goodbye. I can’t turn down a good deal.

  34. Teresa

    You could save up those hours and use them to watch the TWO hour “David Blaine: Dive of Death” special on ABC tonight. That should push your right over the edge.

  35. i do so much random crap during the day it’s sort of ridiculous. ridiculous i say.

  36. I too can’t deal with that last hour! Most of the time I’m worried about the last 10-15 mins, thinking “If that fucking phone rings and it’s a client stuck in Budapest who lost their passport..I WILL…”
    And I follow with things like: Stab myself in the eye with an unsharpened #2 pencil, jump off the roof of my 24 story building, hurl myself down 13 flights of stairs, etc.

    I know how you feel bro!

  37. For me it’s the hour after lunch. Every time I’m shocked that I have over three hours left in the day. I always go to look for the gun I taped behind the toilet and then remember that I forgot to bring it to work AGAIN. One of these days I’ll remember.

  38. I think that, if you ever decide you’ve really had enough, you should go the ultra-crazy route and kill a bunch of people before doing yourself in.

    Why be selfish when you can save others from that last hour, too?

  39. Maybe you should invest in some multi-colored paper clips or start building a house out of post-its during that last hour.

  40. tia

    why is it that days off go by so much faster than working days? i’ve spent whole days doing absolutely nothing, and time flew by, and yet 2 clients at work feels like 100 years.

    i blame it on el nino. why not?

  41. And yesterday you argued with me about how you weren’t morbid…

  42. maxie – Like all good workers!

    pistols – That’s the first thing he looks for in the script, “They got me with my shirt off, right? I’m in!”

    jay – SJP is gross, I definitely would rather be me and not have to interact with her.

    megan – So not only do you have pits at work, you also have beer??? I really, really need to work there.

    matt – Thug life baby!

    mental – Yes, that would be brutal.

    arjewtino – Really? Well damn, then things are okay.

    narm – Have a good one man.

    teresa – Oh hell yes it would.

    katelin – Live blog time!

    alleged – 13 flights of stairs would certainly make you think about something other than work, that’s for sure.

    megkathleen – Make a post-it, but maybe don’t let your coworkers see it.

    stoogepie – True, want me to stop by your office first?

    jenn – A house out of post-its??? Share your skill!

    tia – Man, I miss me some El Nino talk, so thanks for that mention.

    hollywood – Hahaha – I know, I was going to email you about this.

  43. You think you have it bad? I’m in the last half hour of work, and I’m only up to your blog as I catch up through the reader that I ignored all weekend. So much reading yet to do before I go!

  44. Masturbating? Is that an option?

  45. Before you end it, give me the log in info for your blog so that I may carry on the legacy.

    I’d grow a powerful beard in your honor.

  46. I can’t stand Matthew Mchasdnfsdaiogey. He can take his rock hard abs and shove them up his ass! (Or somewhere more clever…it’s too early for me to be thinking right now.)

  47. I am currently 38 minutes into my last hour of work. I’m a receptionist. Currently, the phones are pretty slow. However, in approximately 18 minutes, they will pick up. Everyone who has anything to say to anyone will call in the last 4 minutes of the day. They will all annoy me and my Friday will end poorly. Perhaps it is time for me to print out a particularly amusing forward…

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