like no other

Joe, the guy who works in the lobby of my office building, is one of the most awesome people I know.  He’s even slightly ahead of Harrison Ford, but that’s only because I don’t actually know Harrison Ford.  

Every morning that I come in, he knows exactly the right thing to say.

If I’m having a bad morning, and I’m tired from staying up too late to watch The Island (c’mon Abram, you’re not fooling anyone – what kind of “major company” do you leave if there’s really a “big deal” closing?  You quit you fucking pussy) then I know that when I offer a “Hey Joe” he’ll just give a “Good morning Chris” back.

Nothing more.  No pressure to talk about work or anything else.

Then when I come in and I’m having a good day, he’s right there, ready with any reply necessary.  

If I’m talking sports, he talks to me about how he’s still not happy with the Jets.  If I’m telling him about how I just got a new shirt back from the dry cleaners and there’s still stains on it because I happen to eat like a small child, he tells me, “I’m real sorry to hear that Chris.”

I mean, he’s perfect!

Now I know you’re probably wishing you could come to New York and steal him for your building, but I haven’t even told you the best thing he ever said to me.

About a week ago, it was raining like crazy and there was no end in sight.  I walked in and being my usual witty self, told Joe, “It’s a beautiful day!”

But Joe had something even better than that. He smiled and said, “A beautiful day for ducks!”


I was floored – a beautiful day for ducks!  It was the most perfect reply I had ever heard, and on top of that, that’s all he said.  Because he knew that was all that needed to be said.

Whatever they’re paying Joe, they need to double, no triple it.  Men like that only come around once in a million years.

Imagine what he’s like at a cookout!  Or maybe don’t, your brain might explode simply from the thought of it.


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43 responses to “like no other

  1. Are there bad days for ducks? I mean, sure, winter and all that, but by and large, I don’t think there’s ever a time where seeing a mallard or two wouldn’t make it a slightly better day.

  2. maybe you’re secretly in a kate hudson movie.

  3. deutlich

    I want a Joe!

  4. Your reception dude sounds way cooler than the queen WT biotch at my apartment complex that does nothing but let strangers into my building and eat chicken wings.

    I say hi to her, she stares at me while licking her fingers.

    Wanna trade?!?

  5. You really can’t overestimate the value of people who know when they’ve said enough. I wish I had that skill.


  6. I wonder what Joe would leave as a comment. I bet it would be better than this one.

  7. You won’t find Joe at your building tomorrow because I’m planning on stealing him tonight. My blueprints are on my desk as I write this.

  8. that is unfair. I will trade you crazypants (the lady that asks me 5000000 questions every morning) for joe.

  9. Shoot, I didn’t see that last night. Brain is now exploded. Gross. What a mess.

    Are you sure Joe isn’t Canadian? First off, he sounds like a Canadian. Also, his name is Joe.

  10. Do you think Joe would come to my halloween party?

  11. i had a joe once in my life, and he was the complete opposite. my Joe was my old Super. this joe weighted 400 LBS, but acted like he weighed 100 LBS. sure, he was nice. He’d hold the door if i was carrying something heavy inside. problem was i couldn’t get past his belly—literally. i still have marks. My joe also smelled of Cabbage and Ass Sweat, and when he fixed something in the apartment, he liked to stay behind for an extra hour telling me and my wife how he was able to fix said broken item. my joe sucked. and the name still haunts me.

  12. You should solicit a list of one liners, parcel them out over a month, and record his responses. Then, and only then, will he be thoroughly vetted! (And it’d be an interesting post)

  13. For whatever reason, I’m thinking that Joe really likes to watch “Wheel of Fortune” and “The amazing Race”. I’m also thinking that he enjoys a good ham sandwich, much like myself.

  14. i want an office joe! the people in my office complex suck…or maybe its just me…

  15. I do believe I’d like to invite Joe to my next cookout.

  16. He sounds like a man of wise words. I respect that.

  17. I wish Joe would tutor me. I never know what to say, and then I respond with things like “my dog has seven toes.”

  18. longredcape

    Joe sounds like the antithesis of every employee in my building. Don’t you feel sad for me?

  19. Did you know a duck refers only to females? A male duck is a drake.

    I’m so glad I’m here for you.

  20. Ducks eat for free at Subway.

  21. pistols – True, all they do is sit in the water and eat. Not a bad life.

    gina – If I am, I hope I die.

    deutlich – You could be so lucky.

    dutchess – You do!

    alexa – Gross. No thanks.

    mickey – I think, deep down, we all do.

    narm – A billion times better.

    marie – Bastard!

    maxie – I don’t think I like that trade.

    aine – Hahaha – I’ll have to ask him.

    amy – Not bad.

    kristen – If I vouch for you, I bet he will.

    jay – Man, that sucks, I’m sorry opening up old wounds.

    foxy – That’s a good idea.

    whiskey – I think I saw him eating one yesterday!

    dmb5 – Hahaha – I hope it’s not you.

    maiden – I’ll let him know.

    jade – Much wiser than me, for sure.

    megan – Hahaha – see, that would make me like you even more.

    longred – I really do.

    arjewtino – I am too. Thank you friend.

    mermanda – They do? Of course they do!

  22. Matt

    Joe is the definition of awesome.

    Except that he is a Jets fan.

    That sort of bothers me, but to each their own.

  23. There truly are few people like your Joe. Perhaps he’s so wordless because he just doesn’ t know what to say, so he says little or nothing.

  24. That’s kind of awesome. My lobby guy just says “morning morning morning.” 3 times. Every time. That’s not at all fun.

  25. I wonder how much it would cost to have Joe follow me around all the time. Will you ask him for me?

  26. Oh man, watching Abram walk off like that….I mean Derrick is newly married with a kid on the way but you don’t hear him whining about it.

    Abram’s a pussy

    Just don’t tell him I said that

  27. Our concierge is named Adam and he is about 12 years old.

    It’s awkward because he’s a friend of a friend but he has to bow and scrape before me and help me carry packages.

    I love it.

  28. It’s nice to see someone with the qualifications perfectly suited for his job.

  29. Joe is a real person or no?

  30. Our person is an older, jolly lady. She’s nice and gossipy, and I use her as my tool to spread nasty rumors about my coworkers because I know she talks to everybody.

  31. pj

    Is his last name, costanza? Its gold joe, gold!

  32. Tell whoevers in charge of the building how much you like him. Compliments should always go to the higher-ups.

  33. Joe sounds awesome.

    My friend called me “my fragile little ducky” yesterday. I’m not sure why.

    I like to talk about ducks.

  34. I got sucked into watching the Island too. Last night I watched 3 episodes in a row.

    I’m hooked.

  35. Damn you make me laugh.

    (And also, I am 31 and still watch every RR/RR season and The Real World and The Hills.)

    (Shut up.)

    (Seriously. Please stop laughing.)

  36. matt – Yeah, but at least he’s not happy about them getting Favre. So he’s not delusional.

    duhn – That might be it.

    stealth – I bet it’s some kind of code.

    megkathleen – It would be too much!

    inreallife – Don’t worry, I got your back.

    kiala – I would too.

    noelle – It is, isn’t it?

    rs – Yes.

    justin – Excellent. (in your best Mr. Burns voice)

    pj – I don’t think so, but let me check.

    nicole – Good idea.

    zibbs – Yeah, pretty much.

    jen – That’s kinda weird.

    alleged – It’s awesome, right? I love it.

    falwless – I’m cool with that list except The Hills. Of course, Ari loves that show, so I can’t hate on you that much.

  37. I envy the pragmatically correct minimalist man that he obviously is.


  38. I wish Joe worked at my office. That way when I asked simple questions, I would get the perfect answer instead of the spew of insanity that I inevitably receive.

  39. tia

    i want a joe of my very own.

  40. Echidnagirl

    Ducks are where it’s at.

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