a work in progress

Yesterday Ari and I went to the Brooklyn Museum because it was raining and it was the only thing we could think of to do that didn’t involve sitting on the couch.

I know you enjoy hearing about the intense boringness that is my life, so I have provided you some of the highlights from my day at the center of art and smelly old things.

  • The secret, apparently, to getting your collection featured in a museum is…  Boners.  That’s it.  Just put some boners on your art and there you have it. I counted at least seven different installations with boners galore yesterday.  Who knew that when I was 16 and busy staring at Leslie Carter in study hall I was creating a work of art?
  • Security guards at museums are not your friend.  They were giving me The Stink Eye the entire day, and I was seriously unnerved by it.  Of course, it might have had something to do with my Boner Speech that I made to Ari.
  • When we came upon a little stone statue of a bear, the title was “Crouching Bear.”  I remarked to Ari that I would like that to be my nickname from now on, saying, “It’s perfect.  Because I’m strong, but people don’t expect anything crazy from me.  Then, suddenly, I attack!”  She sighed and said that “Grouchy Bear” was a much better fit.  Sadly, she was right.
  • At one point I was talking loudly and Ari told me to stop being so loud.  Of course I got louder and started wondering why you have to be quiet in museums in the first place.  The art can’t hear you.  What, am I going to wake up the boobless mummy?  Is the ancient carpet going to rouse from its beauty sleep and maybe start vacuuming itself?  Because frankly, it could use it.  Silence is for losers.  And boobless dead people.
  • The people who work at the gift shops have to have the most boring jobs ever.  I was about ten seconds away from poking this woman yesterday just to see if she was still alive.  I also saw a pretty sweet dinosaur key chain and I wanted to know how much it was.  Yes, of course it was T-Rex.  I’m not some kind of idiot.

That about sums it up.

As you can see, I can be quite the entertaining museum guest, providing you with useful information and exclusive insights.  In fact, I may have just found a new career path.

I wonder if Leslie Carter is job hunting too.

 

(New links are up on the Okay Playa! page, so please go check them out and read some great bloggers.)

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41 Comments

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41 responses to “a work in progress

  1. Ben

    I hate living in a city with a handful of museums that never change. It’s hard to care when you’re looking at the same boner installation that you saw the last time. I mean, if I really wanted to look at a boner, I think we all know that I could do so without paying the $7 entry.

  2. I haven’t made it to MoMa yet, I’d love a good recap of that one.

  3. what a coinkydink! i’m starting a new career path too.

    maybe there is a way we can combine the two.

  4. deutlich

    I betcha your voice echoed in that place.

    betcha betcha betcha

  5. Man I didn’t realize dead people were boobless. There goes that fantasy.

    Too far?

  6. I love boners. You should have taken pictures.

  7. i went to the science museum on saturday (also because of the rain), and observed a lot of the same things. the gift shop was just lame. and dinosaurs make me happy too. they always make me think of that episode of sbtb when stephanie (?) knocks down the whole relic during the school field trip.

  8. Crouching Bear is so much better of a boxer nickname than your other one. You could even come out to the ring wearing a bear skin rug instead of one of those foofoo silk robes.

    Need to come up with a good song to run out to, though. So far, the only songs I can think of with “bear” lyrics are Teddy Bear’s Picnic and the theme to Winnie the Pooh.

    Don’t get me wrong. They both rock. But neither’s liable to make Ivan Drago tinkle his commie boxers in anticipation. Not the way you’d like, anyway.

  9. Did you touch any of the stuff?

    The security guards get their underpants all up in a twist when you touch stuff.

  10. Marcos

    Grouchy Bear, all that artwork we used to do in my basement would probably be priceless if I hadn’t thrown it out.

  11. When you said you wanted to be called Crouching Bear I thought “He wants to be known a bear taking a dump in the woods?” Then I realized that I was thinking of Squatting Bear….and then I realized that I’m not that funny in the morning

    FAIL

  12. Matt

    Do they sell alcohol at museums?

    No?

    Thats probably why I’ve never been to one.

  13. Hey Grouchy Bear, can you tell us all about the New York Public Library next? I hear they especially like loud people there.

  14. “At one point I was talking loudly and Ari told me to stop being so loud. Of course I got louder…”

    Hahahahahaha… that’s exactly what I’d do if Bee had told me to stop being so loud too. LOL. Why do we men like to defy so much, just for the mere sake of defiance?!?

  15. on my to do list for the year was to go to cleveland’s art museum (yes we have one). perhaps a rainy day is when i need to make the trip.

    so is the brooklyn museum as good as MOMA? heehee

  16. Pants

    It’s all about boners galore.

    And people dating Leslie Carter finding out about your high school wood when googling her name. 🙂

  17. chris, i’ve been to the Brooklyn Museum, and I just want to say i’m sorry. whether or not it was your idea to go, call it a lapse in judgement, the booze, the drugs, i’m just…i’m….christ. sorry.

  18. I’m not sure what’s wrong with spending the day sitting on the couch. That’s half the reason to love the rain.

  19. Red

    If you’ve never checked it out, First Saturday (of each month) at the Brooklyn Museum is fun. Admission is free, it stays open until 11, and there’s usually a dance of some sort and a movie or two. Of course, I haven’t been in years, but if they’re still doing it it’s probably still fun.

  20. Hmmm…to me rain means staying inside for a movie marathon while stuffing my face with cookies. You did not convince me to go to a museum next time it’s raining…even with the promise of boners.

  21. Ben pretty much hit the nail on the head with his observation about the Halifax museum scene. Which explains why Haligonians are more likely to spend rainy days either binge drinking, binge eating, knitting, or a combination of all three.

  22. Huh. I mentioned the Brooklyn Museum in my post today, too. I’d love to go back there under less stressful circumstances.

  23. ben – Me too. Not that I’ve ever done that before.

    dutchess – It’s going to be a long time before I do that kinda thing again.

    gina – I could give the tour at the hotel? And point you out?

    deutlich – It probably did.

    narm – Not far enough!

    maxie – I have some, but they will cost you.

    brookem – Lisa? I have no idea which episode that is.

    justin – That’s a very good point.

    kristen – Just myself.

    marcos – Hahaha – yes, those were priceless pieces of art!

    inreallife – I don’t know, that wasn’t that bad.

    matt – They do sometimes, just not this time. Don’t worry, you aren’t missing anything.

    marie – That’s next on my list.

    mental – Because it’s fun?

    alexa – Of course, everything in BK is better than manhattan.

    pants – I hope she doesn’t have a mean boyfriend.

    jay – My Mom was visiting. I would never have gone otherwise. I just didn’t feel like explaining that in the post.

    megan – Right, but my Mom was visiting. I guess I should have said that.

    red – Yeah I know about these, and someday, maybe, I’ll go.

    megkathleen – Even with boners??? You cannot be satisfied!

    aine – Those are good ways to spend the day too.

    noelle – You read my mind!

  24. I never want to visit a museum without you.

  25. tia

    i’d pay for that museum tour. for sure.

    i think lots of people would.

  26. I get really competitive in museums. On the tours I need to be the first person with my arm raised and shouting the answers. I don’t know much about art, but before going to the museum, I read about the featured artists on wikipedia and then I SMOKE those fools on the tour. Ask me ANYTHING about Diane Arbus.

  27. Karen

    motherinreallife…funny
    why can’t your stories be funny? your setups are a lot like that of Seinfelds so you got potentials…but your pointless stories are not getting LOL…just ha ha (lowercase).

  28. funny, my wife and i did the same thing when my parents were in. one of the perks of being a brooklyn public librarian is free entry into the museum/zoo/botanical gardens. i wasn’t much for it, but it beat the hell out of another trip to Times Square, Empire State bldg, and every other tourist spot.

  29. A good boner improves a lot of things, I’ve noticed.

  30. Let’s put Boner Stabbone in a museum too.

  31. I pretty much love this post.

    My friend and I went to the Field Museum in Chicago in February and spent like, 3 hours looking only at mummies and dinosaurs. Thankfully these were the exhibits that were the MOST full of children, and therefore loud as fuck.

    Hmm…if boners = getting featured in a museum, I think my blog is all set to be an exhibit in 10 years.

  32. jen – It’s too much fun, trust me.

    tia – Really? I like money, so maybe I should check this out.

    melissa – What type of camera did she use for her earlier works?

    karen – Oh my dear Karen. Mom in real life has a blog, please go visit her. She is funny. But thanks for telling me I “got potentials.” I really appreciate it. Also, please note that I am funnier than you.

    jay – Exactly, it’s the pick your poison kind of stuff.

    mindy – Hahaha – I think you should put that on your grave stone.

    rs – Yes!

    big time – I see it being the featured installation.

  33. Silence only suits boobless dead people. Because I am also boobless but I like to talk.

  34. man you are so productive and intellectual on rainy days. i probably would have been compelled to have a dawson’s creek marathon and curl up on the couch all day, haha.

  35. Good thing it wasn’t a stegosaurus key chain. That would be gay.

  36. The problem with museums is that we (being the grown ups) have to quiet down to make up for the screeching, running children. Don’t disturb me while I’m reading the plaque!

  37. I like going to the museum – luckily ours changes exhibits every few months, though it seems that pretty much every culture likes a good boner.

    That’s it. I found my calling.

    *scurries off to find a large rock and a chisel*

  38. Any boners that angled?

    What about ones that angled to the left? Those ones gets me every time.

  39. If you’re loud in an art museum, everyone will start talking loudly, and then you’ll all realize that you don’t understand the art, and you’ll go to a sports bar instead.

  40. The best thing to do with those pesky security guards is to leave a silent but deadly agent orange “puff muffin” for them to walk into.

    Priceless.

    well it makes me smile anyhow.

  41. Pingback: the incredible shrinking blogger « surviving myself

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