assassin

I’ve discovered something about myself that I feel compelled to share with you – I am an expert Uno player.

The best?  Perhaps.  Better than you? I would bet my first born on it.

It’s uncanny, really.  It’s like I have this sense that tells me when and how to play the perfect card, leaving my opponents shocked and awed in my wake.

I’m even better at Uno than I am at the times tables, which is

64!

See?  I’m so good at times tables that I knew you were thinking, “Well if you’re so good, what’s eight times eight?”  But I’m even better at Uno.

I know you’re stunned.  I know you’re wondering how on Earth I could have a blog and be good at Uno, but it’s true.

From now on, I’m going to have to issue a warning to all who play me, because the swiftness and ruthlessness with which I play can crush even the most skilled player.

You’ll be sitting there, admiring the blue cards being laid down, then bam!  Next thing you know I’m dropping a Wild Draw Four on your ass, changing the cards to green and asking if you want a box of tissues to wipe the tears that I know are on their way.

It’s that brutal.

And trust me, I’ve been skipped and I’ve seen reverses that would make Robocop frown.  But I remain unfazed through it all.

My eyes will pierce you with their calm during the storm, just waiting for the inevitable:  Me yelling “Uno bitches!” and someone after the game saying that they “Can’t stand playing games with Chris.  What the fuck is wrong with him?”

But this is the life I lead.  I did not choose to be skilled at this game, Uno chose me.

Come and challenge me if you feel you have the skills, but I must warn you, it will not end well for you.  I am the best Uno player that

28!

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55 Comments

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55 responses to “assassin

  1. You don’t know Uno until you’ve played ENDLESS games with a 7-year old daughter and a Hanna Montana deck. It breaks your concentration.

  2. When did you figure this out? Yesterday at indoor recess?

  3. Absolutely hysterical.

    I would be a much better Uno player if I could pay attention for longer than 3 seconds at a time. I dominate up until I have one card – then I get Uno’d and throw a hissy fit.

  4. Ben

    I’m good at Old Maid.

    Or…at being an Old Maid.

    Either way, you win.

  5. 7×4!

    I haven’t played Uno in ages (or Old Maid for that matter). Now I kind of want to play. And kick your ass.

  6. deutlich

    I would totally WHOOP you at Uno. AND beat you in a car race – using a stick shift.

    Heh.

  7. have you ever played uno attack?!? that shit is crazy. cards flying everywhere!

    you must check it out – it’s uno for 2008!

  8. Bring it, pal.

    We used to play Uno en la clase de Espanol in high school. Because Uno supposedly means something in Spanish. And our teacher was obviously lazy.

  9. Red

    Real men (and women) play Trivial Pursuit. EG and I can take all comers! Mostly, I admit, because we have EG.

  10. Puh-lease. You should see me and my brother gang up on other people so that we can win at Uno. It’s remarkable, really.

    Times tables? That brings back so many HORRIBLE memories.

    What’s 12×9?

  11. Ah, but can you play a similar game using a regular deck of cards?
    On an aside note, since we no longer have the Hot Route to discuss this stuff, Ray Lewis is a murderous prick who deserves to rot in a jail cell, where hopefully he’ll play Uno in between bouts of being someone’s bitch, traded freely for a pack of smokes.

  12. Matt

    Damn not the wild draw four card…

    thats fucked up.

  13. Actually I was thinking 7 x 8.

    I can be extremely competitive when it comes to Uno, which means I can beat you. I’ll even yell louder than you. Ya, I’m that good.

  14. This is pretty much how I am at poker. Other than the fact that I’m not good at poker. But, you know, other than that little detail, I feel you.

  15. lol…of all things. Though, I too, have a desire to play Uno now.

  16. uno? pish. i was so good at uno i had to move on to greener pastures–Skip-bo, now that’s where it’s at. A wild card can be any number you choose-just. like. that.

  17. Ahh, Uno. I don’t think I have any particular skill, except calling other people out for not saying “Uno!” when they have that one card left. DRAW FOUR, DOPE.

  18. You are the reason why I’ve stopped playing card games. I HATE losing, and no one likes getting a papercut in the eye.

  19. expert UNO player? ha!!! HAHAHAHA! have you met deutlich??

    also, I am an expert skip-bo player.

  20. Me too with the skip bo.

    Wait. Does skip bo mean hand jobs?

    Did I just say that out loud?

  21. I’m gonna have to concur with dmb5_libra, Deutlich is a ruthless Uno player. I’d pay to see an Uno face off between you and her. Can we somehow set that up?… and probably sell tickets?

  22. unbearable – That sounds like something I don’t want to experience.

    minsf – Yes, jealous?

    narm – Uno requires a sharp mind!

    ben – I win!

    erin – Bring it.

    deutlich – Talk is cheap!

    alexa – No I haven’t, I better get on that.

    mickey – Man, there was nothing like having that one lazy ass teacher. I miss those days.

    red – Oh I’m down for some Pursuit as well.

    douche – 108!

    jay – I completely agree. He likes to talk a lot, but rarely anymore can he back it up. Scott is the real deal now, not him.

    matt – Life is fucked up man.

    marie – No way, I made a name for myself by yelling about pointless stuff.

    aine – Hahaha – exactly.

    duhn – It’s contagious.

    amy – I’ll learn skip-bo and then destroy you.

    nancypearl – That is an important skill to have.

    bloodred – It sounds like we both have the same problems.

    dmb5 – I am not scared of this Deutlich.

    kiala – I really hope so.

    mental – I am down.

  23. As good as you are at Uno, I’m THAT bad.

    It’s like I have a sixth sense for losing.

  24. tia

    i don’t think i’ve played Uno since i was like 9. but speed? now that’s a good card game.

  25. nic

    See now I like to play it down, make ’em think I’m still in the game, get them to not even notice the single card in my hand, and then WHAM! out of nowhere, I slap that baby down.

  26. Strip Uno? Did someone already say that?

  27. I don’t even think I know *how* to play Uno anymore. Sad day.

  28. The best at Uno huh? Obviously you haven’t played me. I would destroy you.

  29. I am scared. I will back off.

  30. When will Kanye come out with a song about Uno?

    Reverse, skip, skip, DRAW FOUR American Boy.

  31. yes, how about speed? how are you at that, chris?

  32. i can kick your ass at skipbo.

  33. You think that’s something? I can jump from a 10 foot high dive into a pool and land without my head going under the water. Totally serious.

  34. I was actually thinking 4×5 – you’re not as good as you think you are, donkey!

  35. Oh ya? Well, I’m unstoppable at Jenga. That’s right.

    …And that Crystal girl has nothing on me when it comes to SkipBo. No chance.

  36. You may beat me at Uno but I would dominate in Crib…Ya that’s right, don’t mess with me and my crib board biaatch

  37. You don’t even know what you’re talking about. I’m just sitting here giggling to myself that you are so naive as to think you’re better at me at Uno. HA! As if.

  38. Skip-Bo > Uno any day.

    and I am the queen of skip-bo.

  39. arjewtino – Follow me and you can become a winner!

    tia – Yeah, Ari crushes me at that all the time.

    nic – It’s all about the element of surprise, so I commend your technique.

    melissa – No, but I am down for that as well.

    nicole – That is sad.

    miss – I ain’t scared.

    noelle – Internet intimidation at its finest!

    stacy – Hopefully it’ll be on his upcoming album.

    ari – Bah!

    crystal – Probably, considering I’ve never played it.

    zibbs – That is pretty fucking cool actually.

    mindy – Did you just call me a donkey?

    amind – I’m always too drunk to play Jenga. Everyone drinks while playing that, right?

    alice – Hey, no need to call me a biaaatch.

    megkathleen – Laugh now. Cry later.

    maxie – I need to play this damn game everyone keeps talking about.

  40. Uno you can have.

    Psha. Cards. Ha.

    I’ll take down your family name in a game of Jenga.

  41. 20sbmeetup

    I love Uno! Sometimes it makes me want to punch people in the face, but that’s only when I’m winning. Which is always.

  42. What about the Uno Harry Potter edition? There are some super sweet wild cards in that one.

  43. Damnit. The comment from 20sbmeetup is from me. I forgot to log out.

  44. I haven’t played Uno in years! I want to now…I just have to learn the rules again. Thanks for what will now become a new addiction.

  45. Poor, poor, sweet Ari.

  46. Uh! I TOTALLY ROCK AND KICK ASSES AT UNO!!

    I could totally beat you.

  47. This is the boldest proclamation in the history of mankind.

    Wait now that sentence I wrote is the boldest.

  48. Toe

    Oh no you don’t. My Xbox 360 says I’m the champion of uno, the queen of the uno challenge!

  49. Challenge!

    (You’re going to be playing a lot of Uno. Do they have an online version? Look into that wouldja?)

    🙂

  50. I am the Sorry! Queen. You can have your UNO!!!!

  51. I want to come to NY and play you in Uno. I might kick your a**, beware.

  52. This is good to know, because even if we hung out every day for the rest of our lives, this would never come up in conversation. Ever.

  53. lettersandnotes

    UNO! …i win.

  54. Are you familiar with the game RACK-O? Because I will own you at that game.

    20SB meet-up agenda: Thumb war tourney, UNO, and RACK-O. Hotel Room 347. Be there.

    49.

  55. swayers

    ever play speed uno? once you start, you can’t stop.

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